HECTOR THE WEASAL LIMERICK

Hector was a wily weasel,
He drove a truck that ran on diesel,
During a winter storm,
The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm,
Now hectors hair is on a brush for an easel.

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RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Goodell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,

When she bites me, I'll let out a yell.

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THE ITSY BITSY SPIDERS, GOT WASHED AWAY

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried,

Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died,

They all washed far away,

Got buried under clay,

Momma trusted the weatherman, but he lied.

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NO POINT COMPLAINING TO JACK

On a recent travel, I went up a mountain pass,

I rose up to the city with the towers of glass,

I got a coffee to go,

The service was slow,

I told the waiter; he yelled at me, what a jack sass.    

MY TAINTED TUNA

My tuna fish was kind of tainted,

With blue and green dots it was painted,

Although, it was my main course,

It smelled like sweat from my horse,

With the garbage the tuna was acquainted.  

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MY NEIGHBOR EATS DIGITS

Your neighbor next door down, knows,

That you have juicy fingers and toes,

As the neighbor's belly gets tight,

He'll definitely take a bite,

And back, your lost digit, never grows.

FLOWER GARDEN OR LAWN?

My tiny, sick  panzy would not grow,

My little, white lillies, they grow slow,

My roses are all dead,

Both the pink and the red,

If things don't turn around soon, I'll mow.

THE ARMY OF FOREST MONSTERS IS COMING

The evil monsters are no longer hiding in the deep woods,

They want to take my simple home, and my hard toiled for goods,

Alone, I have no choice, but to fight,

Forty to one odds are very tight,

My last thoughts are for my family; I'm joining them tonight.

PATCHES DUG HOLES LIMERICKS

Patches was a dog who liked to did holes,
He dug up frogs and mice and little ground moles,
But, on one fine day,
Patches went away some say,
When a snake made Patches part of his fat rolls.

Patches dug holes to bury his meals,
Patches dug holes to hide the kids cars, called Hot Wheels,
Patches was nice to your face,
But, he'd bury your briefcase,
Patches will bury most everything he steals.

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ALIEN TRANSFORMATION B

Look what those bad, alien Martians came and done to me,

I use to be all human, now I am all honeybee,   

They transmitted each human cell,

Into a bee body, oh, well,

I will visit pretty flowers, and make and eat honey.

I HAD A PIG NAMED PAUL

I had a pig named Paul,
He lived with the horses in a stall,
He wouldn't live with the pigs,
He did not like their digs,
Paul was not very piggy at all.

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I WENT SALMON FISHING IN THE SPRING? LIMERICKS

I went salmon fishing early this spring,
I was pulled in like a real ding-a-ling,
The fish pulled me down river,
The cold gave me a shiver,
I don't know if it was a coho or king.

I went salmon fishing in the early spring,
But, salmon run in the fall and that's the thing,
I did get my wish,
I hooked a big fish,
He yanked my arm off and my gold ring.

I went salmon fishing in the spring,
I hooked onto a big log or some other big thing,
I had very bad luck,
My bait would not come unstuck,
My line broke and made a loud ping.

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A SAD BUGLE MEMORY

School is back, and I took my golden bugle to school,

I play it between classes; I'm the kid who looks cool,

But when I play sad taps,

It reminds me of paps,

And the day I found him lying face down in the pool.

I AM WHAT I ATE, SO I STAY HOME

If I were what I eat, I would be a big bow shaped noodle,

That is the food I eat, and I share it with my toy poodle,

I look like a big pimple soar,

I don't consume them, anymore,

I stay in the house, and with crayons and paper, I doodle.

MY FIRST HABOOB

I was caught in my very first major haboob,

I lost all my internet and had no YouTube,

I felt my sad heart race

When there was no MySpace,

I would have played trombone, but I had no slide lube.

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil, dumb, old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His deep bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

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MY LITTLE TEKKI TORCH

My little tekki torch
I left lit on my porch,
The porch caught fire,
Results were dire,
Nothing survived the scorch.

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WHAT BILLY CAN AFFORD

All Billy can afford is noodles, rice and beans,

He has to pick some boogers, if he wants some greens,

Billy went to the great food store,

He was arrested at the door,

Billy tried stealing ham in the crotch of his jeans.

I'M SO RICH, I CAN BOB AN APPLE WHEN I WANT ONE

I use to take a pickup full of whole corn, and cut it from the cobs,

I ate the corn kernels and sold the cobs, and made money by the gobs,

Then I made a million dollars,

Built a mansion in the hollers,

I bought a half barrel of floating apples, when I want one, I bobs.

NED HAS HEAD PLUGS

It felt like the fall of mighty Rome,

When Ned lost all the hair on his dome,

At just age twenty-five,

Ned felt barely alive,

He had hair plugs, and scalp treatment foam.

BABOON DATE NIGHT

I opened up a large can of tuna,

I shared it with my cute baboona,

We climbed some trees,

Chewed on some leaves,

We held hands, and stared at the moona.

SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real doosey,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
Drowning made me feel really oozey,

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