CHRISTMAS EVE AND REINDEER STEVE

Again it is now Christmas Eve,
Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve,
Steve is the official weather reindeer,
But, he has drank too much beer,
Let’s hope his sobriety he’ll retrieve.

A WREATH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

I needed a holiday wreath for my front door,

Could not afford to buy one, because I'm dirt poor,

I took wire and branches of pine,

Built a circle held together with twine,

The wreath might not look good, but it's artwork of mine.

DAVY OF THE NAVY

There was  mouse I called Davy,

He kept chewing into my dry packs of gravy,

I told him I will get very rough, 

If he gets into my salty stuff,

So, Davy ran off to join a salt water navy.

HARRY UNPACKED HIS OBOE

Santa brought Harry an oboe, and he unpacked it Christmas Day,

Once the oboe was assembled, Harry began to play and play,

Harry was a happy winner,

Mama cooked him Christmas dinner,

After Christmas dinner, Harry napped in bed, where he would stay.

A DOCTOR WHO SATURDAY

It's Saturday, and I don't know what to do,

Maybe I will visit buffalo at the zoo,

I guess I'll go to the beach,

There, volleyball I will teach,

Then I'll head home to watch Doctor Who.

I HAVE "THE WATCHING THE SNOWFALL MONOTONY BLUES"

I have "the watching the snowfall monotony blues,"

In Michigan the snowfalls always come in twos,

One lasts all night, the other lasts all day,

And, I expect the last one at some midpoint in may,

And, what about that rascal sun,

He shows up at sundown and then he is done,

And, what about the moon and stars?

They're simply legends told in snow stuck cars,

For summer days I have been grieving,

Though perhaps my memories are deceiving,

I remember the warmth from the golden, bright skies,

Perhaps, in my winter dementia the truth, it lies,

How could summer weather be so keen,

And, winter weather triple mean,

I do not know when I snowblow,

If I'll freeze a finger or a toe,

In Michigan we dig our ditches deep,

Sliding vehicles we stack in a heap,

And, if my wood pile does not stay dry,

Then, I will quickly freeze and die,

So, if you're looking for a place to go,

Come to Michigan, we have ice and snow,

 For we have sleds, and skies and affordable dining,

But, if you love sunshine, better quit your whining. 

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THE GLOWING SNOW WAS PAINTED BLUE

Chips of blue paint covered the new fallen snow,

The moonlight hit it, and the moonlight, it glow,

It's my peeled house paint,

The white snow it taint,

I would have repainted, but I didn't have much doe.

HILLBILLY CHRISTMAS DINING

I bought me a chicken, and had me a fry,

It tasted so good it put beams in my eye,

Then I had me some beans,

And fried mustard greens,

I got seeds in my dentures from raspberry pie.

HARRY BOUGHT SOME BONGOS

Often Harry would play in concert his sweet kazoo, 

Then he bought a nice metal flute, and it was brand new,

Then he bought a clarinet,

Found reeds were hard to get,

Harry bought some bongos, and played them in concert too.

WINTER HONEY IS THE BEES KNEES

I saw some weird little winter bees,

They had their own little toboggans, and their own skies,

They might look funny,

But they make tommy honey,

Tasting best after the honeycomb freeze.

I ATE TUNA ALL WINTER, NOW ALONG COMES A BEAR

Area bear watchers have gotten their wish,

There's a bear around here searching for some nutrish,

He loves smelly containers,

Like trash can retainers,

But, my house smells like canned tuna fish.

PSYCHO HEAT MIND

NASAL HYGIENE AND WARFARE

The picking of the noses is a family tradition,

Most do it for the fun, others do it for the nutrition,

Dig for the boogers deep, deep, deep,

The ones you like, you get to keep,

The others you can use as personalized ammunition.

THE CANDY CANE POEM

It does not take any brains,

The best treats are candy canes,

I do not hesitate,

I quickly manducate,

Then my teeth all suffer pains.

I CUT THE CABLE TV BUT, I DID NOT CUT THE ELECTRIC WIRE

When I dug a hole to plant a red maple tree,
Oops!  I cut the cable to my cable TV,
But, the cut electrical wire,
Which caused a neighborhood fire,
I didn't do so, please don't blame me.

IRREGARDLESS, I SAY

For Bill, "irregardless" is his favorite word,

But amongst PhD scholars it's a word never heard,

Now Bill gets a thrill,

Telling the smart ones to chill,

Saying, " irregardless is the newspeak of the nerd."

THE CLAWS OF THE YETI

I walked into a mountain cave,

And, found the bones that would mark my grave,

Then, in walks a two-headed yeti with claws,

And, long sharp, teeth in both jaws,

And of course, it did me no good to be brave.   

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART III

Gordo slayed a dragon so big,
He couldn't haul it away with his donkey-cart rig,
So, he decided to stay,
And, ate well for one day,
Then, rode off like a pot-bellied pig.

PURVIS THE SNAKE LIKED TO LOOK AT THE SKY

Purvis the snake liked to look up at the sky,
He imagined his his meals in the clouds on the fly,
Purvis would often wish,
He saw either bugs or fish,
But, a frog was his favorite meal in his eye.

THE TREE WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

Out in my backyard,

Stood a maple tree on guard,

Beneath it's tower,

Was my patio of power,

Where stories flowed from every bard,

My neighbors, relations and some I barely knew,

Would speak each's faults both false and true,

Conversations if in the public stew,

Many partakers would surely rue,

Then one day at my patio party,

The old maple tree started to talk,

Passing on such gossip,

I hoped that my guests would laugh and balk,

But, of all the loathsome stories,

That were tattle-tailed that day,

Was the one of my endless glories,

Regarding always having things my way,

Of course, my wife was there to hear,

The maples stories told to jeer,

My wife's behavior then took a steer,

And, she dumped down the drain my homemade beer,

Then, in her more anger there arose,

As she threw out all of my cloths,

And, she slapped off half my nose,

Then, stomped upon my twinkle toes,

I so surmised that this maple tree,

Really had it in for me,

So, I decided to act like a mid-evil Sax,

And, chopped down the tree with my double ax.  

HOME 4 SALE

I bought an  expensive piece of lake frontage land,

A million dollar mortgage, I signed with my hand,

I live barely week to week,

Higher wages, I had to seek,

Just now at work, they told me, I'm screwed and I'm canned,

DRAINING THE SWAMP CONSEQUENCES

My old hound dog peed on the floor, and he drained a swamp,

My contractor slipped on the floor, and is now on work comp,

What could I do?

My contractor sue,

My brain heard that circumstance song that has pomp.

THERE ONCE WAS A SNOWMAN NAMED BILL

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He always had a bad chill,
But, one sunny day,
Bill melted away,
So, getting warm wasn't a thrill.

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He sat on the side of a hill,
As the snow melted one day,
Bill slid down like a sleigh,
And, he forgot to leave us a will.

THE OVERLY RIPE STRAWBERRY LIMERICK

I picked strawberries that were overly ripe,
And, the juice ran off my counter, oh cripe!
Of course it takes work and not brains,
To get out carpet stains,
So, my white carpet has a red stripe.

AFTER NOON, I WENT TO THE MOON

I decided to take a trip to the earth moon,

My new spaceship, and I and my dog, named Baboon,

My spaceship shifts by stick,

We rode it there real quick,

Partied with the natives, who hoped we'd be back soon.

WINNING THROUGH BROWN NOSING

I went to the city theatre, which was located downtown,

They wouldn't let me in, so I called the manager a bad noun,

Although I have no money,

My soul is bright and sunny,

I should have a free pass, since I compliment my nose brown.

WILLIE THE SUNFISH WANTS A PRESENT

Willie the sunfish, sent Santa a list,

Willie wanted most a watch for the wrist,

Jolly Santa wrote to Willy,

Told Willy he was silly,

But, Santa said Willie will get one, if he shows Santa a fist.

I GAVE MY DOGGY A TUMMY ACHE

I bought some healthy meatless protein burger, today,

It was rather expensive, for my very low, low pay,

I know it is a costly waste,

But I let doggy have a taste,

He vomited all over, now in his bed he lay.

HARK, THE GURGLING GERD

Listen, hark, the carrot angel food cake,

With chocolate frosting, I did two take,

Later I heard,

Gurgling gerd,

All who ate cake, got a bad belly ache.

THE LIFE OF THIS DOG

When I eat off the carpet, everything tastes like feet,

And, the water in the toilet tastes worse near the seat,

The life of this dog,

I narrate on this blog,

And, I'll bite master on the tail if he forgets that I eat.

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THE COUGAR BED AND BREAKFAST

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay,

They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away,

They dated the local guys, 

Local gals had hateful eyes,

My local bed and breakfast, the gals tore down, one sunny day.