HEAT, LIGHTS, TIGHTS AND POO SOAP

The Christmas presents I got, I took back to the store,

I can use the cash from the returns, much, much more,

I can pay my heat and lights,

Maybe, buy new ballet tights,

And some soap, to scrub the dog poo off the floor.

THE WOOD WHITTLER

Tiberius played the trombone everyday,

He inherited it from his Aunt May,

He would have sounded good,

But his bone was made of wood,

For Aunt May would whittle wood, and whittled wood away.

WILLIE THE SUNFISH WANTS A PRESENT

Willie the sunfish, sent Santa a list,

Willie wanted most a watch for the wrist,

Jolly Santa wrote to Willy,

Told Willy he was silly,

But, Santa said Willie will get one, if he shows Santa a fist.

"NO WINE FOR YOU!"

I went to the wine shop to buy some fine wine,!

To impress some fancy dressed new friends of mine,

But the clerks were not nice,

Complained about my head lice,

They escorted me out the door, I said, "fine".

WANDA WENDT WENT SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The day before Christmas, Wanda Wendt went store Shopping,

From store to store, Wanda Wendt went whip hopping,

When Wanda uncorked red wine,

Wanda Wendt was real fine,

Then, Wanda got munchies, and went Burger King Whopping.

FEE-FI-FO-FOOP, I SMELL PORCH PIRATE SOUP

There was a little porch pirate who lived in the bushes near my stoop,

I knew he was living there, because I could smell his soup,

Every single day,

He'd steal my packages away,

Even my lawn mower, and my retro hula hoop.

YOU CAN ALWAYS BE A GARDEN GNOME, IF YOU NEED A JOB

I was told I was a really bad, bad bad, boy,

That's why on Christmas I did 't get one darn toy,

So I ran away from home,

Became a garden gnome,

Now scarring away little bunnies gives me joy, joy, joy!

MOM AND DAD TOOK MY PRESENT I GOT FROM SANTA LIMERICK

Santa left a present, but I don't think it is mine,

It is 15 gallons of spiced rum, but I am only 9,

I gave some to my dog Duke,

It made him gag then made him puke,

Then mom and dad took the rest and said it was divine.

I GOT A QUANTUM COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS

I got a quantum computer but, don't know what it does,

Never heard of a quantum in books or in buzz,

I've been doing just fine,

Learning Albert Einstein,

With quantum, I don't know my now from my was.

THE NEIGHBORLY HILLS

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes,

They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes,

In my neighborhood,

Most are proud they're no good,

So, I never accept gifts of cookies or cakes.

STUFF FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas,

He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease,

But, he brought me no candy,

Just a stuffed chicken named Andy,

And, a jar of honey manufactured by bees.