MOM UNHAPPY

I fried some corn kernels, in some ghee, and my homemade apple butter,

I poured all the fried corn in a bowel, and I served it to my mutter,

She yelled, and said it was my fault,

For never adding enough salt,

Ma said the kernels were hard, so I gave her a knife for a cutter.

A FUSS OVER A DEAD PAPER RAT

Sue used her new origami skills, to fold a paper dead rat,

Sue placed the paper rat under her ex-husbands fedora, hat,

Her ex grabbed his hat to go,

Saw the rat, and backed up slow,

Then, he ran out to his sports car; Sue's villainy, he did not know.

TRINA'S CHRISTMAS TRINKET SALE

Trina spent her whole year making tiny gold, Christmas trinkets to sell,17

Each trinket was a painted, plastic elf, and it sold very well,17

She only sold boy elves,

But, they flew off the shelves,

How to tell if a someone has exquisite taste? If they have Trina's Trinkets, that's how one tells.

SKUNK VS BEAR

I walked into the forest, and witnessed a rabbit being eaten by a bear,

The enormous bear ate the entire rabbit, including the claws, ears and hair,

The bear looked my way,

I stood tailed up that day,

But, the big bad bear ran away from my glare; I'm a skunk and my weapon is air.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE WECKONING

I built a giant rocket ship, but up to planet mars, it would not go,

It was unbelievably too heavy; its resulting liftoff, too slow,

We whittled the spaceship down,

Launched it in parts, from the ground,

Once assembled in space, we rocketed to mars, and stole the Martian's doe.

MAMA'S WAY: BE DECISIVE WHEN HANDLING LIFE'S PROBLEMS

I keep trudging on, because I always think there is some hope,

My mama told me that type of thinking, makes me a big dope,

Mama did not have a single care,

She was an aggressive grisly bear,

She ate anyone who upset her, that's how she learned to cope.

LISTEN TO YOUR CANDY CANE

I'm a little, green striped, candy cane,

I've got a real, human, working brain,

The tongue licks, they tickle,

I taste like a pickle,

If you think I'm talking, you're insane.

THE MARTIAN WHO WON A TRIP TO GANYMEDE

I won a trip to the moon, Ganymede, and stayed at a 25 star hotel,

Ganymede is a beautiful moon-planet, but it is not managed very well,

Too many people from earth,

All they do is steal and birth,

Ganymede natives need to send earth people back, for their evils, and they smell.

MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER, I WISHED WE HAD NEVER MET

My significant other, gave me a super surprise, significant, final divorce,

My significant other, got a significant settlement, via the court, of course,

My other, got our new house,

I got our dead cats toy mouse,

My significant other gets alimony, but where's my significant income source.

SOMETIMES WE PUNISH THE VICTIM OF A CRIME

I'm a fist sized rock, and I was lying there for years, very peaceful, on the ground,

Some kid grabbed and threw me through a big, glass window; I made a loud, terrible sound,

I was doing nothing on the hard floor,

A policeman came, and moved me once more,

Now, I sit in an evidence room, waiting for the perpetrator to be found.

I SHARED MY FEELINGS FOR THE BOSS; OUT THE DOOR, MY CAREER GOT TOSSED

I had been popping magic gummies all day long,

That got me fired, was I so morally wrong?

I danced a little bit,

The big boss had a fit,

So, I sang the boss a romantic love song.

THE GREASY, STINKY, SIMPLE BOY CAME CLEAN

My grandpa said my hair was too greasy, my grandma said I smell,

They took me out back of the house, and dropped me down their garden well,

They threw me down some soap and said,

Clean yourself from toes to your head

After I came up from the well, I got to ring the dinner bell.

THE DOG WHO DUG TOO MUCH

I'm a doggy and I dig deep in the dirt; I dig in snow,

I'll dig into anything, even where a doggy shouldn't go,

One day, I felt extremely brave,

I dug into a black bear cave,

Doggy meat makes black bear fur shine, and it also makes it grow.

DRAGONS BE THERE

In the great pond, near the new castle, a dragon be there,

Turning green the vast waters, and above, clouding the air,

The great dragon was guarded by clouds,

As he hunted within tourist crowds,

He took many from they're number, yet no one seemed to care.

THE GIANT ANTS, LIKE A HEART ATTACK, CAME FOR ME

Huge ants came pouring out of a twenty foot tall, ant hill,

At first, it was a strange, backyard, observable, rare thrill,

Then the ants covered me,

I was they're meal, you see,

I felt chest pain, and managed to swallow, my last heart pill.

THE ALGAE FROM OUTER SPACE

There is a conspiracy to spread green algae, all over the place,

I found hardened algae in my left nostril, and elsewhere on my face,

Algae covers my teeth and gums,

It's in my brain; I can't math sums,

AI says, the algae comes from invaders, who come from outer space.

HUCKLEBERRY PIE FOR SAYING, "THANK YOU"

I went way out to the swamp bushes to pick huckleberries, today,

I picked 2 pecks of nice big fat ones, then back to home, I made my way,

I had more than enough berries for a pie,

The rest I froze, or left out to solar dry,

The pie was good, and everyone got some, with just a "thank you", to pay.

I'LL BE A DANCING TIKTOK TRILLIONAIRE

I dumped my lifetime of savings into rocket ship stock,

I lost all of my money, now my gold fillings I hock,

I live on oatmeal and beer,

But, I feel a bit of cheer,

I hope to make money from my dancing vids on TikTok.

I CAN MAKE MILLIONS MORE AND FEED THE POOR

Everyday, I notice the many homeless, starving people we pass,

As my driver drives me to social events of my upper, uber class,

Then my brain with social rot,

Thought up a money jackpot,

I could feed the poor and cut yard care costs, by having homeless eat yard grass.

THE ACCOUNTANT WHO THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX, WILL LIVE IN ONE

I once worked hard in school, and earned the credentials of a CPA,

Then, the feds raided my office, and they locked me far, far away,

When my firms debt was mounting,

I used much creative accounting,

I was the company hero, but feds said, the law I didn't obey.

FROM BALER BOY TO TRUCK UNLOADER: THE AMERICAN DREAM

My feet are swollen, my back bones aches, and my legs are throbbing, sore,

My body and my work environment, are in a constant war,

I load and unload semi-truck trailers,

A step up from running cardboard to balers,

My boss, all day, says to pick up the pace, or I'll be out the door.

RETIREMENT: MILLION DOLLAR TV ACTING JOB TO DOING COMMUNITY THEATRE FOR FREE

I was an actor in a Hollywood TV show, when they fired the entire cast,

We had become too old, so they replaced us with kids, who had barely a teenager past.

I'm not saying what the network did was right,

But, the ratings skyrocketed overnight,

Old actors still have Shakespeare community theater; to fit into tights, we'll have to fast.

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Little Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
She is the queen of the fair game wreckers.

62622

 

BAD ROOMMATE: THE STORY OF PIGGY PAUL

My dorm room is quickly shrinking, becoming small,

Because of my self absorbed roommate, Piggy Paul,

He orders just pizza meals,

They're delivered on wheels,

Piggy lets the boxes stack up into the hall.

DIJON MAKES POVERTY EDIBLE

The cost of groceries has risen so extremely high,

I mix just some flour and water, and give it a fry,

Cooked flour is such a big blessing,

Just wish I had some salad dressing,

I found some Dijon mustard; I will give that stuff a try.

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

101423

ANOTHER FATHER'S DAY IN THE TOILET

Father's Day for my neighbor, was really nasty, and very sad,

All his eleven children,  are incredibly, sinister type, bad,

Spoiled eggs they did take,

To bake their dad a cake,

My neighbor spent the day painting porcelain; one unlucky dad.

CANDY BEARS AND THE DANCING DOG

My little dog, his name is Herman, and Herman loves to dance, 

He will dance a Polish polka or a German waltz, romance,

Herman does the twisty twist,

Celtic dancing in the mist,

Herman can even dance ballet, when in a gummy bear trance.

ZIPPY WINE: POWERED BY ANTIMATTER: ARRIVING AT A STORE NEAR YOU

I am making antimatter in my basement to power my rocket ship,

The energy will power me to fly across the universe zip, zip, zip,

Zippy will be my astronaut name,

Across all worlds I will have fame,

Everywhere, I'll sell my blackberry wine; it's brain quenching for a long trip.

HEMP TEA SECRET RECIPE.

Trina was looking for some pronouns, Trina was looking for some verbs,

Trina was building a sentence, while sipping a steaming, cup of hemp herbs,

Trina had felt her body overtaxed,

Trina was now feeling very relaxed,

Trina wouldn't share her tea recipe; it came from her mom's family, the Serbs.

TRINA'S LITTLE GOLDFISH FOUND OUT HEAVEN WAS FULL OF TURDS

Trina bought a 2 inch long goldfish, and put it in a large casserole bowl,

Trina gave her fish lots to eat, because keeping him healthy was her main goal,

The goldfish bloated up 3 inches wide,

Trina found it floating on its right side,

Trina flushed his body to the septic tank, along with his immortal soul.

CANNED CONTENTS CAN VARY

I bought canned fruit that had some cherries,

Mixed in with pears, grapes and berries,

Imagine, I had to report,

I found a toe with a wart,

So, contents of canned fruit sometimes varies.

10620

I DRANK WATER FROM THE POND

I drank some water full of algae, and it made me really sick,

They took me to the hospital where they gave me a little prick,

Soon my limbs were flailing,

My enlarged heart was failing,

Then, someone brought a bucket in, so I could give it my last kick.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

31122

SNOWMOBILE RACE HAIKU HUMOR

Snowmobile, fast, race,
Tree, snowmobile stops, I don’t,
Broken body, ouch!!!

P02122023

RANDY THE CINNAMON BUN

There was a cinnamon bun named Randy,
His owner was a young girl named Candy,
Randy tried to jump free,
But, got really dirty,
It was good the garbage was handy.

41522

I SHOULD HAVE MY PhD, BUT MY AI WAS DRUNK

I fired my new AI, because he staggered to work, drunk,

Both of his green eyes were bloody red, and inwardly, had sunk,

He saw I was real mad,

But, he smirked, that was bad,

Then, when writing my doctoral thesis, he churned out junk.

53125

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because of hot apps downloaded in May.

9316

PROPER WINE ETIQUETTE: THE CHEESE FILLED WIENER STORY

I got my cheese filled wieners, delivered from the wiener store,

I threw them on my old barbeque, and burned them to the core,

If one chased them down with red wine,

They tasted excellently fine,

Those who chased them down with the white, pooped their pants and ate no more.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

91224

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

7523

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

21923

FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars, and drank.

1823

SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

82222

FEED THE PIGS

I had to go feed my jittery pigs,

I feed them slop filled with butts from my cigs,

Those pigs will deep diggy,

For every ciggy,

I watch and smoke, and I chew on soft figs.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

82524

SILENCE OF THE CAR PHONE

I thought I would make a car phone,
So, I got a long cord on a loan,
But, the cord didn't reach car,
Now, I'm still in my car,
And, don't even have a dial tone. 

41223

I CHANGED MY BUSINESS PARTNERS

I decided to change out my business chums,
Because, I couldn't understand their sums,
But, how you choose,
Is why you loose,
I thank goodness for the charity of mums.

3221

GEORGE TOOK A BOAT OUT ON A LAKE

George took a boat out on a lake, 
To see what big fish he could take, 
The boat started to leak, 
It was a wooden antique, 
George knew he had made a mistake.

31021

HARD RAIN AND BIG BERRY, JUICY MEATS

My old gravel road, got washed out by the water from the hard rain,

The good thing that came from the flood; my berries had a big juice gain,

My strawberries have nice meat,

They are juicy and real sweet,

Not sure how the neighbor's doing, with that confounded, sugar cane.

THREE SPANISH BROTHERS, THEIR BRIDES AND CANDY BEARS

There were 3 little boy babies, who came from Spain,

They grew up with two parents, in the State Of Maine,

The boys opened a flower shop,

They all got real rich, pop, pop, pop,

They each married ladies, who took gummies for pain.

PART SPOON, PART FORK: SPORK

I started eating all my meals with a thing called spork,

It's kind of like a spoon with one end like a small fork,

The spork don't stab very well,

The spork leaks soup, you can tell,

And, at the end of the day, it won't pull out a cork.

WORKING CLASS CLONES

There are millions of clones wandering our fine city streets,

They work in banks, and stores and restaurants making our eats,

Do the working clones really know?

They're just a piece of so and so,

Someone should tell them, they perform their lives as copied meats.

ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But, Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

41025

THE DARK SIDE OF GUMMIES

I went to Rotterdam Michigan, where they make the tastiest gummies,

They soften the workload for the busy and ambitious, daddys and mommies,

Beware gummy creep,

It may lull you to sleep,

Some deep, eye, rem sleep is really good, too much deep, rem sleep is for dummies.

CARMEN THE OCTOPUS LIMERICK

Carmen the octopus was no longer charmed,
She was attacked by a shark, and then was disarmed,
But, she got it together,
Her loss of limbs didn't upset her,
She grew new ones, and appeared quite unharmed.🐙

111223

 

BARK NO DOG, LAMP NO LIGHT, BUG BITE

My lamp, it just wouldn't light,
I changed the bulb, but still not bright,
So I sat in the dark, 
With a dog who wouldn't bark,
And, bugs that did nothing but bite.

71022

DOG, CAT AND TIRES

I had four massive, truck tires that I inflated, fat,

My happy dog was impressed, but not so, my pretty cat,

My dog took a pee,

On tires 1 through 3,

My cat laid under tire 4, and was almost squished flat.

I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,

I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.

I know my blogs might give readers scares,

I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,

I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.

POOR LITTLE TENDERFOOT

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some stones,
And, with every single step he took,
He made a dozen moans,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sand,
The sand was really scorching hot,
So, he popped every sweat gland,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sticks,
And, every single step he took,
Felt like stepping on ice picks,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking in outer space,
But, his suit depressurized and he blew up,
Because he didn't tie his shoelace.

041422

KING OF MICHIGAN

The people of Michigan, crowned me their 67th king,

I am now their great monarch with a petoskey stone ring,

I eat pies full of tart cherries,

I eat cheese from local dairies,

I live in a travel trailer, and go dancing, wearing bling.

GUMMY BEARS: CANDY WITH A KICK

Sometimes I desire a yummy gummy bear, and sometimes I do not,

The reason I might desire a gummy bear, most times I have forgot,

When my brain is thick with aching despair,

I yank out a fruit flavored gummy bear,

I chew it up, swallow it down; life's a circus, and I'm a clown.

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

42122

MIRANDA AND HER SISTER SUE LIMIERICKS

Miranda stole Susan’s dime,
Miranda didn’t think that it was a crime,
But Susan got steamed,
Miranda got beamed,
Miranda healed up over time.

Miranda and her sister Sue,
Fought over a guy nicknamed Heavy Hue,
Now Miranda couldn’t cook,
That made Heavy Hue book,
Because Sue made great dumplings and stew.

Miranda always picked on her little sister Sue,
Miranda was so jealous that her face turned dark blue,
But, Sue was a good girl,
With a great smile and a hair curl,
Miranda smiled but her real personality shown through.

12424

I CHOSE TATERS OVER MY BODY

I tried everything to build my weak body, but my body would not build,

That is when the they voted to yank my licence from the Body Builder Guild,

I played some blues upon my sax,

Worked in my garden to relax,

I forgot about body building, because my taters needed to be hilled.

THE TORNADO EXERCISE

 tornado, and it spun around and around

I jumped into the tornado, and it took me off the ground,

Into the clouds, I took a fly,

Saw my neighbor Randy, he said,"hi",
I dropped and splattered on a roof top, and lost fifty pound.

RURAL TOWN MICHIGAN FEEDS ON TOURIST, DOLLARS

I live in the state of Michigan, in a little town called, Wrong Turn,

No human person should ever come here, but people will never learn,

They think the town name is a laugh,

Until, the chainsaw cuts them in half,

Then, the family queries begin of a missing person, concern.

 

WHAT IN THE WORLDS DOES THIS ABSURD RHYME MEAN, NOTHING?

I did not know what the reality was, until I understood the maths,

My mind got all freaky deaky, while going down dirty, multi-verse paths,

At the end of each day,

I would kneel down and pray,

I prayed to the god of the multiverse, for little soaps for multi-baths.

I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,

A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,

Black rain clouds became my ceiling,

Electric bolts, I was feeling,

I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent. 

92924

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So, I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

21822

THE BEDBUG LIMERICK,HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

P08222021

IS IT EGG SALAD OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

Sarah had a doll house that was painted bright pink,
She put her egg sandwich in it and boy did it stink,
Her family wondered what stank,
Could it be the septic tank?
They dug the lawn up from the tank to the sink.

P05182022

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

10121

THE EATER OF BUGS LIMERICK

There was a praying mantis named Sid,
Old mantis Sid stayed perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
It had sung it's last song,
Then, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

1823

WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

12823

HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

PP09202023

A KING WHO FIGHTS WITHOUT HIS ARMY

Once on the plateaus of medieval France,
A giant monster foot ate peasants,
The foot would dine on bodies and wine,
While the king dined on pork and pheasants,

A cry went out unto the king,
To raise an army, and much, much more,
To fight the giant monster foot,
And, wave the kings sword to rally for war,

The king ignored the peasant’s prayers,
To the mighty king of France,
Instead, the king let the monster,
Across the Gaul’s land dance,

Then, one day the foot was at the outskirts of Paris,
Where the king and his castle be,
The foots intentions were very nefarious,
As even the king could see,

The king raised up an army of knights,
To fight outside the city of Glee,
Upon the battlefield the king set his sights,
With his nobles he’d make history,

When the sun was near the half in the sky,
The king and his nobles made their advance,
It was time to roust or die,
For Medieval France,

The king and forces took the field,
A thousand knights or more,
They knew the foot would never yield,
The foot was evil to its core,

The king sent out his bravest knight,
To slay the five toed beast,
But, it was just a slaughter,
As the foot had a fancy feast,

The king sent out two more nights,
They both met with equal slaughter,
The foot was filling up on men,
And, wanted to wash them down with water,

The king decided it was time,
To rush his whole army off to fight,
So, the king of France led the charge
While his knights stood still in fright,

The king was eaten whole with horse,
The French army ran away beaten,
The foot went on to Paris of course,
To get some really good people eaten,

There is a lesson to be learned,
About fighting monsters who like to eat,
A king who fights without his army,
Will go back home in defeat.

P12182023

BLOKES, SMOKES AND CREMATED PIE

I baked a homemade, fresh raspberry pie early, last night,

I forgot it was in the oven, and the flame burned bright,

I saw no smoke before the great, pie flame,

Still, I got the biggest share of the blame,

But, my son and his 4 blokes, were binge puffing smokes, alright?

I RAN OUT OF GUMMIES AND GOT FIRED

I ran out of gummy bears, and didn't have any for a week,

So, my job performance suffered, now a new job I must seek,

I vow to never run out of gummies again,

And, I have a backup plan that consists of gin,

I don't know what to tell the wife, who thinks gummy bears, a sin.

STRETCH OUT CHILI BY ADDING BEANS

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means,

Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens,

Will we get northern snow,

Or, a warm southern blow,

Will my chili be all meat, or almost 2/3rds beans.

13123

THE SCREWWORM PHILOSOPHY

I had a screwworm deep in my brain,

It kind of tickled, there was no.pain,

Clouds unfurled into blue,

Bees and birds sang as they flew,

Screw news:  it's alright to be insane.

WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,

It shattered, and would toot never more,

I stepped above my class,

Bought a flute, made from brass,

I now toot until my lips are soar.

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I SPILLED MY SODA IN MY GOLDFISH TANK, AND MY GOLDFISH, HE DONE DIED

I cried and cried when my goldfish died, because I spilled my soda pop,

In criminal court, I was fair tried, after being arrested by the goldfish cop,

With my pet I won't grow old,

I'm celled in prison, alone, cold,

I am guilty I must confide, because the tank had no pop, stop, top.

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NOT EVERY AI CAN TRANSITION

I use to be a very productive AI,

But, I quit to become just a regular guy,

When to work I had to go,

The choo choo trains were too slow,

Guess I'll sit home eating gummies, until I die.

I GOT MY STOMACH PUMPED AGAIN, THANKS TO GRANDMA'S RANCID CHEESE RECIPE

I boiled some water to cook some old, rancid, stale cheese,

It is my favorite recipe, from my Grandma, Louise,

When the water gets hotter,

The cheese goes in the water,

When melted, drain the water, and give your hot cheese a squeeze.

To young kids out there.  Please do not cook on a stove without adult supervision, or you'll get severely injured, like me.  Also:  Never Eat Rancid Cheese.

ALWAYS LOOK UNDER THE BOAT BEFORE YOU BUY IT

Trina bought a big, beautiful new, blue pontoon boat,

She always dreamed of going out on the bay, to float,

A shock, the boat came without pontoons,

She saved boat money, for twenty moons,

To buy the pontoons, she sold her diamonds and fur coat.

NATURE CLEARS AWAY DEBRIS, THAT'S WHY THE VULTURES WILL EAT ME

I see vultures circling me, like I am a prise, 

I get it, I am dead, and they want to chew my eyes,

On the sand beach, I lay where I lied,

Big birds will soon eat away my hide,

Maybe I've been ate out by worms, "hey big birds, surprise".

BONES, CLONES AND THE OVERTON WINDOW

Everyone, completely hates me, the Overton Window has shone,

They all dislike me, since they found out that I'm not human, just a clone,

It is the OW curse,

Once started, it gets worse,

Each time the OW shifts against me, I feel a broken bone.

Note:  Many years ago, Joseph Overton was a close friend of mine.  We met in a high school class called Advanced Composition. Joe had a brilliant mind, and I'm happy to see his work referenced by major political commentators and pundits, from across the political spectrum. 

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

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I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber, so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.

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MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry, beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

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WORMS THE SCREW

My cat was loaded with screwworms, and touched my face and spread her woes,

The next day I had a jillion screwworms, screwing up my nose,

My brain was getting muddy,

My clothes were getting bloody,

I decided to wash all the blood off with my powerful garden hose.

UNCLE DALE'S TOENAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger, but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But, nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

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WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river, but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

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THE CARN IN THE BARN IS MY YARN

Near an old caved-in farmhouse, there was a big, red barn,

What's kept in there, I'll tell you in this story, my yarn

It is white haired, and has six feet,

It loves the human meat to eat,

It won't touch plant food, because it is an evolved carn.13

THE EXTERMINATOR

I am a bedbug exterminator, and bedbugs is all I do,

I exterminate all your bedbugs, so your bugs quit biting on you,

I use a potent spray,

It makes them dead today,

The poison won't harm kids or pets, but it's deadly if you're an emu.  

GOLF IS THE SAND TRAP OF LIFE

Jimmy's ball was in the big sand trap; that is where Jimmy's ball was,

Jimmy punched his ball into the sand trap, when his eye caught some fuzz,

Jimmy really hated the golf game,

But, his boss loved it, so Jimmy came,

Jimmy wished that his boss loved bowling, because that's what Jimmy does.

LIFE OR DEATH IN THE MEAT SHOP

I went home from the meat store, but forgot to cull the outdated,

The next day, many customers found their bellies were ill fated,

It took a hospital machine,

To pump their guts completely clean,

I was fired the next day, and found out I was widely hated.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.

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THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

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THE MICHIGANDER WHALE

All the big whales in Lake Michigan, have beached themselves on the shore,

They know we're desperate for their oil, they're loyalty, I adore,

Their meat won't be left to rot,

We'll cook it up in a pot,

Then we will sell it for cat food, in every Michigan store.

THE WHALER MAN

I am the great whaler man, all Lake Michigan whales fear,

The whales know I come for them with a long, whaler man spear,

I will stick them real good,

In their cold water hood,

I will give the world oil, for a keg of near beer.

WHY WE HUNT LAKE MICHIGAN WHALES

In order to afford eating steak burgers and greased chips,

Michiganders are taking jobs on modern whaling ships,

The massive Lake Michigan whales,

Have refineries in their tails,

Michigan whales store refined gas from their tails to their lips.

BAR FIGHTING ON MARS

I got into a fight at one of the bars,

That always happens, when bar hopping on Mars,

The martian body is like a solid rock,

It is hard to hurt them, while they clean your clock,

And a loss on Mars means human heads get jars.

HE STOLE MY TOKENS.

 I took all my electronic tokens, and put them in a jar,

I was saving electronic tokens to buy a brand new car,
When I looked early today,

My tokens had gone away,

Seems someone took my tokens, and traveled to a place that is far.

IN LIFE AND IN DEATH, BEDBUGS ARE CRUEL

I just found a giant, red bedbug, floating in my tea,

I am sure that ugly, giant bedbug was mocking me,

Because, real late last ight,

I got a bedbug bite,

And, I feel certain just as he died, he took a big pee.

GREEN IS NICE, BUT BUGS BITE

I went way out into the deep green woods, to give the untouched, rare fauna, hugs

As I then advanced I began to be annoyed, because of the creepy bugs,

Beneath the clothing, and out of sight,

The bugs be there, and be those that bite,

I was covered by carnivore bugs, who left a nibble for the worms and slugs.

THE MAN WITHOUT A GUMMY BEAR

I could not find my gummy bears, and I was such a brain fog mess, 

I was already late, and I was supposed to greet the princess,
Well, I got my time just completely wrong,

The princess left on a flight to Hong Kong,

I blamed it on lost gummy bears, other's blamed gummy bear excess.

MY LIFE AS A BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE HAIKU

Brain eating zombie,
Biter, ouch, headache, brains, brains,
Guy, baseball bat, ouch!!!

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LOVE, TIME, RECKONING IMAGINED

You broke my heart, and you broke my brain,

Then you cut a fart, and hopped a plane,

Will I see you once again?

Will you buy me a nice din?

Will you be hobbled, and walk with cane?

YOYO, EDDY, THE CHAMBER AND ME.

I went into my chamber, because the chamber is where I go,

I played some chamber music, while I bounced my yellow, new yoyo

I played the music on an old LP,

I think the speed was like 33,

Later, I put down my yoyo, and read some Edgar Allen Poe.

I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE

I hit a baseball with a ball bat,

The ball flew into space like a sat,

For a minute that night,

I watched my satellite,

It burned up in the sky, that was that.

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INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my future it's grave.

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MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.

9422
 

HOME EQUITY: IT PUTS GAS IN THE TANK

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank,

First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle Hank,

High gas prices give me depression,

I have an unhappy confession,

My uncle will be losing his home, when I can't make payments to the bank.

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THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,

Beef!

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