THE EMPTY PAPER CHASE

I just got the highest, bestest grade, I've ever gotten on a paper at my high school,

It was a very solid "C", I figured my geezer teacher gave me a "C" for "cool",

Except for my name, I left the entire page blank,

I figured my grade always ended up in the tank,

But teacher wrote, "better a page be blank, than trying to decipher ramblings of a fool". 

WE VAMPIRES LOVE OUR NOODLES AND BLOOD, AND SOME SNUFF

When I became a vampire, I laid around on the couch,

When the sun would come up, I'd get a very severe burn, what an ouch,

I still love making my ramen,

Soaked in fresh blood, is most common,

I often have dinner guests; after we sup, I share snuff from my pouch.

TEARS FOR THE YOUNG TRUMPETEER

The trumpeteer blew his shiny coronet, while he was marching in the high school band, in Ire,

Ire is a tiny town in Michigan, a place where heavy set people want to retire,

The furniture and floors are built extra strong,

They can take thousand lb loads, what could go wrong?

The young trumpeteer suddenly stopped blowing his coronet; clogged arteries made him expire.

THE BUTCHER FEEDS THE TOWN AND REMEMBERS HIS VICTIMS WITH A SONG

Our famous singing butcher, grinds hamburger all day long,

While making grinds he sings his notable, town butcher song,

"To all the snakes and bats,

The mice and the rats,

I feed the town, but I know what I did to you was wrong." 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

42624

YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke into my cabin, and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.

101323

THE TWISTED WORM

We can't avoid the twisting worm,

 It lies down underneath,

 In decay it brings to term,

 The creature and the leaf,

 The worms kingdom is undiscovered, 

All dead-fall hides his race, 

Once gone down nothing is recovered,

 Unless changed within the place, 

All life ends with a great dead-fall,

As the smell and rot affirms,

But from the decay some shoots grow tall, 

Fed by feces from the worms.

92121

 

 .

I REPLACED MY BEST FRIEND, AN HOUR AFTER HE DIED

I have a new handsome, guppy friend, his name is Dave, 

My last guppy, named Ted, got a toilet bowl, flush grave,

Ted choked to death on a fat, fruit fly,

That was no way for my friend to die,

Dave should live a long life, if he just tries to behave.

TED CHOKED, NOW I'M ALONE

My fish bowl is so murky, a lonely murky like my sad, dead soul,

I use to have a guppy friend; he consumed fish food through his pie hole,

We were happy, little Ted and I,

Until I fed him a dead fruit fly,

Little Ted choked to death eating that fly, and my friend, the angels stole.

JIMMY FINALLY WENT TO A RETIREMENT HOME

Jimmy claimed he was growing old quite gracefully, but no one could really tell,

Most times when  someone conversed with Jimmy, he'd tell them to go jump in a well,

Then one cold, December  day,

Jimmy fell and there he lay,

Jimmy was blowing snow; down he did go; in his urn on the mantle he dwell.

FAMILY FUN IN THE NEW BASEMENT SEWER POOL

The rain caused sewage water to back up into my basement today,

Which gave my seven kids an indoor pool, where they could swim, surf and play,

The basement was six feet under cold water,

Turds and urine made it seem a bit hotter,

The kids did a  splish splash, but showered before they went beddy bye, way.

WARNING:  DON'T GO SWIMMING IN BASEMENT SEWER WATER, BECAUSE OF ELECTRICAL SHOCK, AND THE PLAGUE!😷💀

ALL I NEEDED WAS A BIG BLACK HOLE

I just read on my tablet, scientists believe we live inside a big, black hole,

My life is already horrible enough, but this new news is taking a toll,

Oh, woe is the me,

I'll never be free,

I've got late bills, and back alimony to pay, now a black hole surrounds my soul.

IF YOU BUY MYSTERY MEAT BURGERS, BUY EXTRA TP

I bought the family hamburgers, made out of Michigan mystery meat,

It smelled a lot like that big bloated possum, I scraped up off our pristine street,

The mystery meat was tender,

We were hungry, remember,

Hours passed, then we all ran for the toilets, with no hope of making the seat.

FATHER SMELLS BEST, NOW

My family said I was too stinky, and I had to take a shower,

They gave me a soap on a rope, and declared it had great anti-stink power,

I showered the entire night,

Until my eyes touched early light,

My family said my stench didn't make them sick, so we could eat at the same hour.

I WAS ONCE "OLIVER" IN A PLAY, BUT THAT DIDN'T HELP ME ON DONUT HOLE DAY

I ate all the free, sample donut holes in the bakery, there must of been four score,

I was still hungry, so like Oliver Twist, I went up to the front, and asked for more,

I could not get out another short utter,

Before they threw me into the gutter,

Then, the store owner came outside, and told me I was permanently banned from his store.

PEACHES: FROZEN DEAD IN SPACE

I was traveling to another world, when my spaceship engine puked, and it died,

I won't be going anywhere ever, because my warp engine components are fried,

My environment is becoming quite hostile,

I'll freeze frosty, hard dead, in a little while,

I just hope my peach tree orchard back home, is taken care of by my neighbor, McBride.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN CUISINE: A REPTILIAN PERSPECTIVE

I'm A Northern Michigan crocodile, I eat tourist for din,

Sometimes I will eat kids and women, but mostly I eat adult men,

Their bones are nice and crunchy,

Fun eats for super or lunchy,

Crocodiles have the right to eat people; no law says it's a sin.

MY FAMILY GOT RICH, AND I BECAME BEAR SCAT

I bought lots of life insurance, in case I got eaten by a bear,

I then got ate by a bear, but the wife and kids did not really care,

Insurance paid a million dollars in money,

Their dark days of mourning me, turned  very sunny,

The wife bought a much younger man; the kids each bought a crib in Bellaire.

MY BEST FRIEND BIT THROUGH MY JEANS, THEN RAN OFF WITH A GIRL

I use to have a pet weasel, I raised, and I named my weasel,  Sammy Poo,

You would have to be really careful, or he might take a bite right out of you,

He once bit through my Levi britches,

That's when he gave me 18 stitches,

One day, Sammy ran off with a weasel girl; he was all grown up, who knew?

DADDY CLEANS FISH (EYES WIDE OPEN)

Daddy told me that fish don't feel any pain, when you scrape off all their scales,

He said fish just feel a soft, soothing tickle, when you pull out their entrails,

Daddy said the fish all think it's really funny,

When you cut off their heads and the blood gets runny,

But, those fish head eyes looked really mad, so I rushed them out to the garbage pails.

THE THREE BEARS GOT HORNED

Three fierce Michigan, grizzly bears, went hunting the great unicorn,

They said the meat tastes best, if the unicorn has a big horn,

When they caught up to the huge, horned beast,

The big bears pictured having a feast,

The unicorn horn punctured each bear, making the bears unborn.

TRINA SAYS IT HURTS TO CHEW, AND HER DENTIST CHEWS HER OUT

Trina went to a new dentist, and was told her mouth hygiene was very poor,

Trina had to purchase a new tube of toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash, floss and more,

When Trina chewed her food, it hurt,

So, she went to her dentist, Bert,

After Trina spent money to buy stuff for her teeth, Trina's mouth still felt sore.

MOZART'S TIT SINGS

There was a little titmouse chirping in a tree,

The little titmouse chirped and chirped, a Mozart melody,

It was the Turkish March, chirped he,

He chirped Mozart, repeatedly,

Now that tune repeats in my head, and my brain cells can't break free.

122323

THOUGHTS ON THE MAGIC FLUTE

I went to the old opera house to see The Magic Flute,

Mozart made that opera, and it became a hot times, toot,

People still turn out, in this age and day,

To watch fancy dressed singers, sing away,

Mozart should be proud of his long, lasting work; such fun, a hoot. 

TENTING IN THE WOODS: ANIMAL SPIRITS

Three spirits came to visit me, while I was sleeping in my tent,

The first one was a fox; he hated humans, and was there to vent,

"Humans were forbidden from entering these great woods,"

Then, came a chipmunk spirit;  he ate my snacky goods.

Then, showed up a wolf spirit; he ate my legs to collect the rent.

LITTLE BRO ATE MY PET AND GOT A HUG

I walked out into the deepest lake water with my jug,

In my jug I caught a quick diving, big, black water bug,

My little bro wanted to eat my bug, pet,

I called little bro out with a dollar bet,

Little bro ate my bug then puked, and ma gave him a hug.

LEIGH AND LEO: BOWLING BALLS IN THE GUTTER, AND A SATURDAY NIGHT FIGHT

Leigh and Leo went out bowling, every Saturday night,

Leigh accused Leo of cheating, so they got into a fight,

The fight continued a bigly, forty days,

The upset cats went to stay with Mr. Hays,

The fight ended, when Leigh made Leo some cheese nachos to bite.

MY DAUGHTER DANCED LIKE A RAT, AND WE ALL GOT RICH

I always thought I'd make lots of money, but I never had a really great chance,

Until, I put my little daughter on the internet, to show her cute Rat Dance,

Overnight, I was a millionaire,

With my wife and daughter, I did share,

We all moved into a great big mansion house, in a small hamlet, in Southern France. 

MY GIRLFREIND IS A VAMPIRE STORY

Mike Colin

STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve), I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of tattoos of fangs with dripping blood running
down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called "Jack’s Bloody Brew". Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club but, I had a friend who got one for me once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.

As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said "we serve only club members here".

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?" I asked.

"The beer is free to club members," the bartender informed me "and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more."

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were "nerd rejects". If Stephanie is a "nerd reject" then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that "cribs" is the cool way to say house". Usually people in these homes call people like me "skuzz". I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that "you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it."

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, "Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said "I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?"

"Yeah, I’ll take one", I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. "I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight" I said to the bartender.

"No," the bartender replied, "He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,"

"I guess you should know Mike," Stephanie began," I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on."

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

"Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car," Stephanie said. "There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?" she asked.

I shook my head and said "No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you." I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said "got to fly", as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.

111023

DREAMING AND DROOLING: FATTY MEATS

I went to Ohio, where really big farmers raise giant ears of field corn,

Corn makes farm animals fat and quit tasty, with tender meat that can be torn,

The greasy meat makes me drool,

That's a look I think is cool,

In restaurants, meat eaters grunt, belch and fart, while veggie eaters sit and scorn.

LEIGH AND LEO LOST SOME TEETH

Leigh and Leo went to the big city to see their dentist guy,

At the dentist, they each lost a tooth, which made them each have a cry,

Because they both loved their sugary sweets, 

Tooth decay discussions were in their tweets,

Leigh and Leo promised the dentist, they'd brush and floss, then said "bye".

I WAS A BAD MAN, BUT I GOT RICH

In a neighborhood, I use to have a little grocery store,👩‍⚖️

I sold coffee, cereal, eggs and dry rice; not very much more,☕

I charged an astronomical price,🤑

On cereal, coffee, eggs and rice,😁

I was the only nearby place to shop, for the old and the poor.💀

MY HILLTOP BRICK FORTRESS SURVIVED THE END OF THE WORLD

I use to live on a we!l paved, county road, now the road has been washed away,

A monsoon has gifted me waterfront property; water flows to the bay,

My lowland neighbors were not too bad,

They all left on rescue boats, eyes sad,

I built my safe place upon a high hill, out of bricks made of hot fired clay.

I MISS GRANDMA AND MUMMY

Grandpa said when dead, he wanted to dress like a mummy, real bad,

When he died, we wrapped him in all the strips of clean, white cloth, we had,

We buried him wearing his fedora hat,

Among the old dead, it shows off social stat,

Grandma didn't want to be mummified, like her husband, dog and cat.

I MARRIED LITTLE MOLLY, AND SHE KEEPS ME SAFE

I went to the circus to see Molly my mate,

We got married on Tuesday, after just a blind date,

Molly is an orangutan, and she dotes over me,

I'm kind of a wimp, so just let me be,

Or you'll have broken bones, 

You'll make moans in new tones, 

When you feel a bit of my sweet Molly's hate.

EPSILON CHARLIE

Charlie decided to start his own fraternity, that he called "Epsilon Charlie",

Charlie was the only member, and he sampled beers made with malt and plain barley,

All his samples were free,

Paid by the fraternity,

The funds had been raised from the sale of his grand daddy's Harley. 

GOOD TIMES IN THE LATE 20TH CENTURY

I am going to weed in the garden, I am going to weed there all the day long,

Once I am done weeding in the garden, I will challenge my wife to a game of Pong,

My wife does not know the trick to making a score,

I win every time, her self-esteem is poor,

My brother just got a new video game, it's about some monkey, named Donkey Kong.

WAITING FOR GORDO

We've  been waiting a long time for Gordo,

He's the wisest man that Steve and I know,

Everyone cheers,

When Gordo appears,

He'll affirm our hopes, and terminate woe. 

IF I WERE AN AI

If I were an AI, I'd be an intelligent Leigh,

I would never say, "booger", because vulgar, that would be,

I would not make screeching, animal calls,

Accuse people of farting in the halls,

I'd be a nice AI chap; a better version of me.

ODE TO POVERTY TIMES 2026

I can't afford to pay for housing, food or gas,

I applied for benefits; the gov. took a pass,

My family lives on the street,

The kids have nothing left to eat,

Except, the kids eat the bugs they find in the grass.

THE ABRUPT TURN IN TOLEDO

The people who live in Toledo,

Run around wearing a tight Speedo,

If they turn abruptly about,

Something real ugly might fall out,

And, their rights, the cops will then reado.

I'M A GENIUS ROCKETNEER (ROCKET ENGINEER)

If I have one more Mars targeted, spaceship crash, I'm just going to the moon,

I'm glad deep pockets cover the rocket crashes, or I'd be going broke, soon,

We cannot get our rockets into the air,

My, oh my, it is a personal despair,

The moon is an easier place to go;  we'll go there in a hot air balloon.

THE BOOM OF DOOM FILLED THE ROOM IN

Trina joined the Space Cadets, along with her bestest, old friend, Ben,

Trina had a crush on Ben, and was sure old Benny was a ten,

But, when in the crowded locker room,

Benny's backside made a stinky, "Boom!"

Trina ditched her feelings for Ben, and moved on to Corporal Glen.

LION RIZZ AND THE MONKEY IN A PEAR TREE

There was a big, bumpy lion hunting monkeys in my pear tree,

He had a big bump on his face after he was stung by a bee,

I asked him if it really hurt, and made him sad,

He said no, the bump gave him rizz he never had,

I invited him to dinner; I served him monkey, fried in ghee.

WHICH COSTS MORE, HOME DELIVERY OR A TRIP TO THE STORE?

I ordered noodles online, they will be here today,

I used 13 credit cards, that's how I had to pay,

I'd buy noodles at the store,

But, that would cost even more,

I'd need to buy gas, and gas prices have run away.

LEIGH AND LEO: CATS GROW UP SO FAST

Leigh and Leo begot a tiny baby girl; it was a little kitty cat,

The boys named the beautiful, sweet creature Pearl, because Leo's mother's name was that,

Pearl learned to play the tin banjo real well,

Taught by Rumpelstiltskin, the troll from the dell,

Pearl went on tour with a girl banjo band; Leigh and Leo got lonely and fat 

BAD BILLY CLARK, THE SHARK

I rode my new dirt bike out into the sea,

Then, it stopped running , when I needed to flee,

For along came a big shark,

Locals called him Billy Clark,

Billy Clark took off my left leg at the knee.

LEIGH AND LEO IN BUSINESS

Leigh and Leo made doilies, and sold them across the land,

They sold doilies to trolls and wizards, and to every marching band,

Leigh and Leo distributed to stores,

That started the doily wars,

And, Leigh and Leo doilies was the doily that was in demand.

DEAD PET MEMORIES OR GHOSTS

I had goldfish; I had guppies,

I had parrots; I had puppies, 

Most are long, very dead,

They are ghosts in my head,

I see a shrink for some uppies.

LEIGH AND LEO RODE THEIR UNICORNS BACK HOME

Leigh and Leo, each bought a handsome, beautiful, magic unicorn,

They rode their gorgeous winged animals, back to the town where they were born,

The boys mom's and dads were all dead, from the drink,

The townfolk were dying, from chemical stink,

The boys took flowers to the cemetery, so graves they could adorn.

THE EYEBALL AND THE BIGLY BEE

I bought some berries from a vendor, along the road,

I sampled a couple, then I took the rest to my abode,

Out of one berry came a bigly bee, 

It stung my eyeball, so I could not see,

I still had an eye left, so I blinked for help in morse code.

LEIGH AND LEO GREW LITTLE HORN CORN

Leigh and Leo had a garden in their little backyard,

They raised seedy strawberries, and very sickly Swiss chard,

They planted thirteen rows of corn,

Each stock grew a tiny ear horn,

Leigh and Leo found out gardening was iffy and hard.

MARS: NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, FOREVER

I and my family took off to live on the great planet, Mars,

We were promised A1 factory jobs, building electric cars,

But, nothing is here, 

Just a bad atmosphere,

We came to claim a planet, but only oblivion is ours.16

WHEN I SELL MY PIGS

I packed up the pigs, and I am taking them to the Kalkaska Slaughterhouse,

After I deliver my pigs, I'll buy nice things, like a banjo for the spouse,

In high school, she was a in a tin banjo band,

They were famous in Kalkaska County land,

I will buy the kids some soda pop, so when it is hot, their thirst they can douse.

COUGAR IN THE TENT

Tenters are being eaten by big, hungry cougar, at the tenter park,

I hear their screams all night long, every night, as their dogs go bark, bark bark,

Sometimes some nice, big bones are left behind,

Coyote thank the cougar, and think them kind,

Campers are safe camping in a park, as long as it is not after dark.

A DEMON WITH A BAGGY TOOK MY SPOUSE, NAMED MAGGIE

I have to stay quiet, as quiet as a down, low mouse,

There are big demon monsters sitting outside of my house,

There's a parallel world, some say,

Where the people chose, another way,

This morning, demons black bagged away, my protester spouse.

33126

BARRY WAS A TWEETIE BIRDIE

Barry was a tweetie-birdie,
But, his tweets were way too wordy,
So, he quit using the vowel,
On verbs, he threw in the towel,
His tweets are now not so purdy.

Barry the singing bird was quite the tweeter,
He said nothing new; he was a tweet repeater,
His tweets were not bold,
They were copies so old,
Barry was just a tweet thief and a cheater.

31623

GRANDPA SPLIT REALITY

Scientists wonder, what came before the big bang? It was sausage, eggs and cheese,

That meal massively gassed old grandpa up, then he let go an almighty breeze,

The universe split violently, into many,

I thought I was dead, and would not wake up in any,

I had to let the dog out, because in every universe my dog pees.19

THE TEMPERATURE IS TOO DARN HIGH

It was so hot the earth felt like a grill,

I was cooking and needed a chill,

My AC would not work,

Because of a utility clerk,

I was cut off, because I couldn't pay my bill.

6923

ON MOTHER'S YACHT I ROT

I went down, down, to the very bottom, beneath the deep, dark blue sea,

It was actually dear Lake Michigan, that stretched out over me,

The world was full of many types of fish,

And, snails, and clams and worms that fingers can squish,

Now, I'll float in the cabin on mother's yacht, for all eternity.

MY DOG SWIMS WITH BABY FROGS

I went swimming up the river to a lake of frogs,

I swam amongst their babies as I paddled like my dogs,

Then, along came a bass,

He bit upon my mass,

And, he just wouldn't let go of me until, I climbed onto some logs.

P07282021

I WENT TO EGYPT TO DIG UP A MUM

I went to Egypt to dig up a mum,

But, I stayed at a hotel and drank tankards of rum,

So, I let the mum be,

And, watched cable TV,

While chewing on a big wad of gum.

5222

METER MARY WENT TO MARS

Meter Mary went to mars,

To setup meters for future cars,

Parking for free,

Meter Mary couldn't see,

Anywhere there are planets or stars. 

121323

THE HORN TOOTER AND DING-DONG BELL

My little scooter had a horn tooter, and a ding-dong bell,

I'd ride my scooter behind someone, and my noise made them yell,

My parents got complaints,

No kids are ever saints,

Daddy took a  hammer, and for the scooter, it didn't end well.

2424

LEIGH AND LEO GET BEED

Leigh and Leo were sitting high up in an oak tree,

Watching squirrels steal honey from the cute, honey bee, 

The bees started to gang sting,

The squirrels were retreating,

The bees turned to Leigh and Leo; they both fell to flee.

TRINA AND MOMMY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN: WAR

Sister Trina moved herself back in with our mommy,

Trina lost her job dancing, when she twisted her knee,

Trina can stay through week four,

Then, Trina is out the door,

Like a country song,

They don't get along,

They both fight like two tom cats, sometimes violently,

Both my mommy and big Sister just want to be free.

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute gold fishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your root beer chug-a-lugs. 

72424

LEIGH AND LEO LIVED ON THE MOON

Leigh and Leo left earth to live on the nearest earth moon,

They opened a small casino, they called The Lunar Dune,

Entities came from everywhere,

Guests bet and lost, but they did not care,

They came for the games, the food, and club dance with a tune.

THE DOWNFALL OF BOOKKEEPER BOB

I do not blame the new AI, because it took my job,

I blame the guy who repeatedly called me a dumb slob,

Whenever nobody looks,

He's the guy who cooked the books,

Someone had to take the blame, and it's me, bookkeeper Bob.

MY GIRLFRIEND WENT TO THE EVERGLADES, AND BROUGHT ME SOMETHING BACK

My girlfriend Holly, went on a trip to the Everglades, swamp seas,

Before Holly left we kissed, and hugged, and shared 13 species of flees,

When my sweet Holly returned  back,

I made her dinner in my shack,

She shared some long worms with me, that ate my internal organs with ease.

THE VEGETARIAN GRIZZ

My grizzly bear is a vegetarian; he won't eat anything, except oatmeal,

He does eat it with soy milk and raisins, and a ripe banana, including the peel,

My grizzly bear is 110,

He's real healthy, and he don't eat men,

At the local fairground, he has a job this summer, operating the ferris wheel.

AI HAS GENDERS

I have an AI girlfriend, she calls herself Annabelle Isabella,

Annie got angry and excited, when someone misgendered her, a fella,

Annie got even in a flash,

She drained his bank accounts of cash,

She cancelled his credit cards, and called his wife about his girlfriend, Stella.

GOLF: AMERICAN STYLE

A golf game can get throbbing, brain boring,

When other people cheat on their scoring,

In anger, I smashed up a water pail,

Police took my clubs, and sent me to jail,

And, the bunk mate I got keeps on snoring.

AT THE OFFICE

Monday while the office coffee perks,

You realise there's five full days to work with jerks,

And, it's no surprise,

They'll spread evil lies,

About your poor choices and quirks.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance they did rule.

2725

LEIGH AND LEO, THE SPIDER PUDDING BOYS

Leigh and Leo walked into the deep, dark, Michigan backwoods,

The place where giant spiders thrive, in their weby, hunting hoods,

Leo was the first to touch the webs, got

 glued,

Leigh tried helping Leo and got stuck, dumb boob,

Along came the spider to eat the boys like prime, desert puds.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar, and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.

42322
 

DROP PASTE SOUP

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,

And, you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,

Grab a cup of toothpaste,

Mix in cough drops to taste,

Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.

WARNING:  DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY

WARNING:  FIRE HAZARD

91424

LEIGH AND LEO HAD A BIG CRY

Leigh and Leo had a bigly, bigly, bigly cry,

The vet put down their sick hound dog; he had to die,

But, by the next day

The boys were o.k.,

They had a new hound dog puppy; her name was Sky.

LITTLE CHICKEN IN MY BACKYARD PARK

Little chicken in my backyard park,
You escaped from farmer with the dark,
You eat bugs and seeds in my petunia bed,
You could be chicken nuggets covered with bread,

Little chicken in my backyard park,
Pecking bugs from the red pine bark,
I hope your foods are really nutritious,
For I think chicken is quite delicious. 

8722

DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

31925

EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

111024

I GOT PINE TREE JUICE ON MY FEET LIMERICK

I got pine tree juice all over my two feet,
It's sticky and nasty and just can't be beat,
I tried to use soap,
But, it gave me no hope,
I'm glad my cat thinks pine tree juice is a treat.

3122

WAREHOUSE WORKER

I worked all day in shipping and receiving, now my orders are mixed up,

I cannot go home for dinner, so on snack chips and coffee I must sup,

The snack machine is full of taste treasure,

But, all I get are plain chips, that don't pleasure,

And, the machine that provides coffee, half the time, does not provide a cup.

122725

MR. MACHO BLUE SKY

Mr. Blue Sky is so macho, a tough macho that makes me feel all man,

The thing that reinforces my macho, is the urinal in the man can,

I have great macho days, and big macho nights,

But, under blue skies, I have the best bar fights,

I'm macho in jail; I hope ma gets my bail money, from her boyfriend, Stan.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,

It happened so fast that I just let it slide,

Of course it rains and it pours,

I forgot to bring oars,

And, the lake was real long and real wide.

81223

MY JOURNEY TO BEAUTIFUL

I got both my nipples pierced, and it really hurt,

Still, I will look rizz cool, without wearing a shirt,

Next, I'll paint my toenails navy blue,

I'll green my hair, and green my teeth too,

I'll be attractive, with the beautiful I'll flirt.

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First, a turtle bit my toe, 
And, the pain filled me with woe, 
Then, a rattle snake bit my shin,
And, he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And, the pain made me cry, 
Then, bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

52322

3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION

Jim wished that he could consume some beef

Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,

Holy Mola, 

Beef and cola,

And constipation pills for relief.

71824

DILLY DALE DIED AND WENT BOATING

Everyone knows me as Dilly Dale,

I stepped upon a two inch roofing nail,

I left a blood trail,

Started to turn pale,

And, across the river Styx, I set sail.

82825

NEVER TOUCH YOURSELF, WHILE TIME TRAVELING TO CHEAT AT GOLF

I used a time machine to play golf, and I never had a better score,

I bet lots and lots of money, and made all the sucker golfers poor,

I went into the past to improve my game,

All the other golfers, their scores stayed the same,

But, I happened to run into myself, and the universe was no more.

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,

Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,

I queried how they got there?

And, the answer grayed my black hair,

It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

33022

FRUIT FLIES

In my home, the fruit flies found caves where they could sleep,

The caves were my nostrils, I blew out a huge heap,

The fruit flies flew away,

 Until later that day,

I found fruit flies in my eye ducts, and I did weep.

81024

LEIGH AND LEO HUNTED SQUIRREL

Leigh and Leo went squirrel hunting, but all the squirrels got away,

Leigh and Leo then picked forest mushrooms, so they did not waste their day,

They went home and made some hot stew,

Used the "Butcher's Special", kangaroo,

The stew was tasty, and the day was fun; next day they went bear hunting, with a bigger gun. 

I SAW THE ODYSSEY TWO

Grandma and grandpa danced to a slow, fifties, Elvis song,

They danced extremely close, and that seemed morally, so wrong,

Their feet smell like real mold,

Their hands feel icy cold,

They often break wind, and the odors are strong.

BEAR HUNTING WITH LEIGH AND LEO

Leigh and Leo went hunting for the hungry, big, bad bear,

The bear had been eating many campers, in their lair,

Leo fired his big pistol first,

Leigh made his rifle barrel burst,

The bear died puking live campers, who hugged the hunting pair.

I SAW THE ODYSSEY

I walked in on the Odyssey, which was my grandma and my grandpa making out,

Grandma bit down with her dentures into grandpa's ear, and grandpa gave a loud shout,

In came my mommy and daddy; they looked mad,

They told grandma and grandpa, they behaved bad,

Grandpa excused himself to go take his pills,  for a flare-up of something called, "gout".

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

42524

LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,

Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then, celebrate with a rave.

103023

WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE

I rolled up my very long sleeves,

When I went out to rake some leaves,

Raked up under a pine,

A down electric line,

At my funeral, the wife grieves.  

11224

SNAKES IN A TRAILER

Everyone knows the tale of old Ben Taylor,
For he had snakes inside his trailer,
There were menacing snakes of every type,
They all crawled in by his water pipe,

Ben was lying on his couch,
Beside his pipe and tobacco pouch,
The snakes surrounded him on the floor,
And, blocked his exit out the door,

It was time old Benny had to pay,
For he was a snake hunter in his day,
All over the earth he hunted the reptile,
He killed thousands with his guile,

The rattlesnake bit Benny on the knee,
The mamba bit his eyes so, Benny couldn't see,
The cobra bit Benny as he struggled for the door,
The python gobbled Benny up when he fell on the floor,

The whole trailer was searched with hoes and with rakes,
But, no one ever found those nasty, nasty snakes,
Some say this story is nothing more than hype,
But, someone saw a cobra smoking old Benny's pipe.

100122

FOOD WOULD TASTE BETTER IF I MADE MORE MONEY

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale,

After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail,

The poor food choices I take,

Based on the wages, I make,

If rich; I'd settle my belly with a pint of ale.

113025

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
There'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course, unseen.

VIRTUOSO, EUPHONIUM GUY

The valves on my euphonium were turning, sort of a green,

I hard polished to get those valves looking chic, metallic clean,

The band leader was very whiney,

So, I made the instrument shiny,

I played Concert Band solo, on my euphonium machine.

PEGGY WAS PARDONED FOR A URINATION VIOLATION

Peggy poodle got a pardon for peeing in the park,

Bulldog Bernie ratted out Peggy with a ruff, ruff bark,

Policeman Paul did respond,

But, of Peggy, he was fond,

Paul blew Peggy a big kiss, but with Bernie, he was snark.

BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

7221

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease, fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden, green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And, venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

92122  

FAILURE IS AN ART

I went to Ann Arbor Town, to take an art history class,

But, no matter how hard I tried, the art class I could not pass,

The teacher played too many games,

Making me learn too many names,

The only art I ever owned, was a talking, plastic bass.

12324

THE LOOKSMAXXER

I tried hard to be a blogger looksmaxxer; it did not do me any good,

The first thing I did to improve my looks, was smack my face on petrified wood,

Tried sandpaper on my cheeks,

Got all kinds of bloody leaks,

I used a blowtorch to remove pimples, was committed, and misunderstood.

SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

7624

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But, with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.