THIS VOTER FEELS ROYALLY WOOED

I'm a voter and I'm about to be wooed,

That's one way to put it, without being rude,

While the politicians are wooing,

I will do some serious booing,

But, I don't dare boo too much, or I'll be sued.

I FLEW OFF TO VISIT MY DEAD

I flew my little airplane up into the high clouds that are the sky,

Hoping I would meet my family, and friends, who have coped to die,

I thought they would be up in the clouds,

Covered with white, or gray, or black shrouds,

The mountain I didn't see coming; in the fireball, my dears said, "hi".

CHOOSE WRONG AND EAT THE DOG

Because, we all love to die young, and starve,

That's the reason we all voted for Marv,

For our supper, we will carve,

The torso, we once called Harv,

Harv is the dog, my brother's called Garv. 

(In America, we don't eat people, except on days that end with "y".

THE DRINKING BOTS IN DEARBORN BARS

My AI robots went out drinking, they were on a drinking spree,

My robots would answer a question, then they'd get a drink for free,

My big experiment went as it should,

Robot assimilation, turned out good,

My plastic robots got forty free drinks, that they passed on to me.

FOOD FOR THE FERRELL

All of the kitty cat lips, were all tongue licken, 

In the garbage, there was the skin of a chicken,

The wicked aroma that smelled,

All kitty attention, it held,

Along came a bear, and kitty hearts, did quicken.

61325

SAMMY PLAYS AND LIVES THE BLUES

I once knew a heaping pig, and his name was Sammy Tews,

He played electric guitar, but only rhythm and blues,

Sammy played real well,

All the neighbors, do tell,

But he violated copyright, now he gets sues.

61224

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

1823

BARNEY DOESN'T MURDER THINGS, HE JUST CLEANS UP THE SCENE

Barney is a big, old buzzard; he lives in my tart, cherry tree,

He's been eating on the carcasses of a ground hog family,

All the babies, mom and dad,

All passed, they looked very sad,

Guess Barney was there to clean it up, so no one else had to see.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I, SWAMP CAMP

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I,

To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye

We had an invader,

A ten foot alligator,

The alligator gave us each, the eye.

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Part-time Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it, but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over, and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends, then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments, like Ohio.  Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course, as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril, and refused to come out. 

You see, it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern, who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me, but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount, but she was sharing her bottle with me, so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course, the fairy was really mad about what I had done, and he started buzzing all around me, then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue, and sped off to harass some other people, no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths, and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across, because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control. 

9823

LIVE VICARIOUSLY, BY BUILDING AN AI FAMILY LIFE

I am an AI Daddy; they sell me at The AI Family Store,

I'm sold at a reasonable price, but an AI Mommy, costs much more,

There is an AI Sister, and an AI Brother,

Change out a couple parts, can't tell one, from the other,

There's many choices for family homes, from penthouse rich, to two tent poor.

53125

FRANK PICKS AND EATS HIS STRAWBERRIES

Frank picked little red strawberries, and put them in his bowl,

Before he set each berry down, Frank kissed them with his soul,

The berries were bitter,

Frank was not a quitter,

He thought he'd roll them in sugar, at least that was his goal.

81324

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY? APPARENTLY, IT IS TO LOSE

Zero of my AI stocks have done very good,

Should have invested in a cord of firewood,

At least I'd be warm,

During a spring storm,

Soon, I'll have to move to a low rent neighborhood.

THE CANARY AND THE RAVEN, A CAUTIONARY TALE

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary,

He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry,

The canary birds worked together,

Netted my raven in bad weather,

Then, they roasted and ate him, in a scene that was real scary. 

101923

MAMA SAID THERE WOULD BE DAYS...

I went on down to the local bar to sip on some suds,

I bought the patrons at least 2 rounds, and made some new buds,

I invited the party back home,

Where they all just puked, and spilt beer foam,

Now I know why mama said, "your bar buds are mostly cruds".

BAD GIRLFRIEND

My old girlfriend was a heavy smoker, and she smoked almost all the time,

I asked her to cut back a bit, she said, "piss off, smoking is not a real crime",

My asthma got worse, day by day,

A fool was I, some friends would say,

When I died, my girlfriend kept smoking; inherited my house with paid up Prime.

I MADE SO MANY ENEMIES, NO ONE LET ME STAY KING

I have made so many enemies, I now am drifting, all alone,

Sitting in my dinghy boat, because I was a bully who wouldn't atone,

I insisted things were done my way,

That is just how big boys play, today,

Perhaps I'll drift to another land, that I'll conquer and I will own.

THE TONE OF THE TOOTER

My tooter tooted a terrible tone,
The audience responded by giving my tooter the stone,
They showed what they meant,
When every stone made a dent,
My tooter's tone I'm needing to hone.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It’s Friday the Thirteenth today,
I think that in bed I will stay,
My truck will not start,
I fell on a lawn jart,
And, I was pecked in the head by a jay.

11312

THE LITTLE HAIRY BEE, BARRY

There was a little bee named Barry,
He couldn’t get a girlfriend ‘cause his legs were hairy,
So, he tried to groom,
Shaved his legs, zoom, zoom,
But, now his legs look ten times as scary.

71723

BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT ME

In Michigan, it gives me scares,
Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears,
Now, will the Bigfoot come for me?
I'm really tender, if not tasty,

Oh Bigfoot, Bigfoot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now, that all the bears are gone,
I fear your coming, from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty Bigfoot, please go away,
Birds taste better, I would say,
Try eating rabbit, or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

2923

MY IGNORANT EGO AND PARTY CHICKS

I went to an uptown, fancy party to pick up some classy chicks, 

There was a group of cute girls, who said I was one of their top picks,

They got me to dance in the town square,

Wearing just my tight white under ware,

They called the cops, now I'm staring at a steel door, and walls made of bricks.

BENNY GOT RETUBED

Benny used green leaves for toilet paper, and got a bad infection,

When he showed his old doctor, the doctor, quickly made a connection,

Some common green leaves, we all know,

Are poison, and cause drainage woe,

Benny stayed in the hospital, while they retubed his lower section.

120124

WHAT I DO ONLINE, STAYS ONLINE, UNLESS I GET PAID

I model online to impress the online, pretty chicks,

I know I have greatly impressed them, by counting their clicks,

I tried to get them to send me money,

I've got brownies that make me feel funny,

I' have also received responses with nasty parts pics.

FAST, TIME TRAVEL SHOES, AND AN OPEN DOOR

In order to time travel into the past, I bought a new pair of shoes,

Walking backward real fast, causes travel into the past; it's in the news,

I tried a launch, once before,

But, I ran into a door,

This time, I'll open the door in advance, and avoid, pre-launch party, booze.

52525

NEANDERTHALS GET MARRIES

My little Uncle Herman is a Neanderthal, he sits outside all day,

Sometimes Uncle Herman hunts upon the ground, eating berries and bugs, some say,

Herman once had a mold disease,

Cured by a witch doctor, named Eloise,

Herman and Eloise fell in love, and were married the Neanderthal way. 

Neanderthal Way = (They ate their wedding guests)

THE CAT SLEEPING IN THE WINDOW

My cat is sleeping in the window, while we're visiting Southern France,

She is staring at some butterflies, as the afternoon hours advance,

She will soon be sunbeam napping,

As her dreaming legs, start flapping,

She will wakeup just before supper, and do her ballet, stretchy leg, dance.

53025

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Someone said I smelled like fruit, so they stuck me in a classic pie,

I'd say, baking in the oven was a terrible way to die,

I was sliced and covered with whipping cream, 

As a desert, I was everyone's dream

People said my crust was flaky; many pie pics, before bye, bye.

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute gold fishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your root beer chug-a-lugs. 

72424

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

121023

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

52725

HER SCABIES AND BABIES, NOT COVERED

My pregnant wife came down with a severe case of deadly, head scabies,

We went to my wife's baby doctor, but he had died from the dog rabies,

Another fine Doctor was there,

His name was Doctor Kildare,

He complained our insurance didn't cover parasites, or even babies.

ARIEL AIR LOVE: KITES AND WHIRLY THINGS

When I was a child, I had a happy face kite,

With a long string, my kite and I were still very tight,

Then along came a drone,

With a whirly prop tone,

My kite and the drone flew beyond the string, and my sight.

112125

SUPERNATURAL REPUTATION BOAST

Locked doors don't keep out vengeful ghosts,

Or the deities that hate me most,

But, their disdain I bear,

I show that I do not scare,

Such haters is my reputations' best boast.

102321

OPERATIONAL TIME TRAVEL

There's no question that I travel through time,

In the natural order it isn't a crime,

But, the direction I travel seems set in stone,

I can't travel to see skin put back on a bone,

Dinosaur bones I can see rebuilt up to the sky,

But, I can only imagine how they could live and or die,

It seems the direction of time takes me only one way,

I can move towards tomorrow, but not yesterday,

You see I have often traveled from what did to what does,

But, I have never traversed from what's now to what was. 

THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

8523

ARTHUR TOOK MY HEAD OFF

Good King Arthur had my head chopped off, because I made old Merlin mad,

I told Merlin he was a grifter, a foul mouthed heathen, and a cad,17

After my head was in the basket

And, my body in a plain casket,

Merlin partied and smoked some weed with my 2nd cousin, Brad.15

THE CURRENCY OF OUTER SPACE

I hitched a ride to Mars,

It cost me 6 cigars,

I couldn't take my pets,

That cost cigarettes,

And, I'm saving those smokes for the stars. 

42520

I MAYONNAISE MY MACCARONI

For fab flavors, I add mayonnaise to my macaroni and cheese,16

For rad texture, I drop in a bigly bag of frozen, sweet green peas,

This is my recipe, # 2,

#1 is my bologna stew,

I add effervescent flavors,  with that bottled chunky cheese that is blue.15

DESERT TROUT AND SAUERKRAUT CRABS

I went fishing in a dry desert, and caught a big, sand trout,

I fought him out of a sand dune, and he flopped and flopped about,

I cleaned and fried him, but he still was sandy,

I washed his sandy, fish taste down with brandy,

I then fried and ate some desert crabs, stuffed full of sauerkraut.

INVESTING 2026

My stocks are in the deep, dark toilet, and covered with foul smelling, squishy turds,

Everyone else's stocks are flying high; someone explain this with common words,

I realise that it is sadly, very true,

My broker lies, until his nose glows blue,

I should pick my stocks using a psychic, they're more honest than commissioned nerds.

I TRIED TO EAT MY BOOKCASE

I got so hungry I ate my furniture, but the varnish made me sick,

The varnish slowed my heartbeat way, way down, until it barely made a tick,

Then there was a hard, long, splintered, sliver,

That pierced my intestines and my liver,

Still, I know furniture must be edible, I just haven't found the trick.

THREE EYES AND WET SHEETS

I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead,

That is why my wife and my kid, call me Three Eyed Ed,

When small, people called me weird,

That got all three eyes full teared,

It caused me much trauma, that's why I still wet to bed.

NOTHING FROM NOTHING I LEARNED IN ASTRONOMY CLASS

Nothing from nothing is how the universe came to be, 

According to Astronomy, the class I took to get my GED,

But, if you never had nothing,

How do you get something, that everyone can see?

 

Nothing from nothing has taught me one thing,

I'm failing Astronomy, I got my test grade, 

And, it's a big fat circled (E).

And, I'm pretty sure all those stars up there are laughing at me,

BODY PARTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

My feet and I have a conversation, each night,

You see, we are old bestest friends, and really tight,

My feet ask me for powder and jells,

I say "fine, if you wash off your smells",

My feet are clean compliant, so I do them up right.

FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

81824

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

7522

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

Bigfoot got real mad,

He made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

9925

MOMMY WORKED IN A CIRCUS

I asked mommy what was an acrobat, and she said that was what she was,

Way back in time when she had just left school, and daddy's face had only fuzz,

She said when she was a girl,

She'd give lots of ropes a whirl,

Mommy said life was the circus; she settled for daddy, her second cuz.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

121925

ATTRIBUTION THEORY, OR A SCREWED UP MIND?

There was a big, snot nose, badger monster, tearing up my front yard,

He was pulling up the shrubbery, I bought on my credit card, 

The badger must of had a bad day,

Maybe his girlfriend ran far away,

Girlfriends want too much attention from their boyfriends, who work hard.

PENNY MACBETH

Penny Macbeth wanted to be admired by onlookers, as a queen,

She had wanted attention since she was an online, unfriended sixteen,

She had no castle, no tower

No claim to an elite's power,

At age 42, out of the blue, she bought a bouncy, new trampoline.

DESPERADO: I STOLE FOOD FROM A TURTLE

I went to the kid's petting zoo, and stole a big fish,

I stole it from a big turtle, right out of his dish,

I got the great, big fish home,

Sprayed the pan with cooking foam,

I ate all the fish flesh, and it was tasty, delish. 

CECIL DIESEL: THE MATH RAT THAT MOCKS CAT

Cecil Diesel is a very mean, but intelligent rat,

He made my big pussy cat cry, when he said she was too fat,

Cecil is great with my twin kids,

When their math grades were on the skids,

Cecil taught the kids quadratic equations; I'm up with that.

GROCERIES OR FACE CREAMS: THE GENDER GAP AND BIAS

Most of us, called human species, are doing the best that we can,

That includes almost every woman, and  every other man,

We get pay for working long hours,

The pay gives us consumption powers,

Women buy food for their families, while men buy face creams, for a tan.

12425

CEDAR SWAMP BROOK TROUT LIMERICK

Today I decided to lounge all about,
And go fishing for some little bitty brook trout,
I took my pick,
From a cedar swamp crick,
Tasting piney; I washed them down with stout.

32222

A DOGGIE DADDY

Denny was a doggie daddy, a doggy daddy was daddy Denny,

Denny didn't know how many dogs he had, he lost count after counting three,

Denny gave each dog a bath at night,

Combed their clean hair, then off went the light,

Sometimes when fleas and ticks would survive, Daddy Denny got a snack for free.

I HAVE ONLINE VIEWS FOR SALE

I am begging for a billionaire to pay me to lie while online,

I am not asking for very  much, just some coupons to fast-food dine,

There has been for me, no approach,

So, I hired a liars coach,

When coach found out I lied about paying him; he said I should do fine.

DON'T BE A CHEARY DEARY

In far, northern Michigan we all know there is no hope,

With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope,

Don't try to cheer us with song,

We will just take it all wrong,

And, you will be labeled the rest of your life, as a dope.

32121

THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

12623

STYLING CECIL HAD TASTY BRAINS

Cecil Diesel was a real sporty rat,

He looked handsome in his fedora hat,

When Cecil became woke,

He ordered a cherry coke,

Cecil got his brains ate by Kate, my cat.

HIGH PRICES + MEDICAL BILLS = PAWN SHOP

I can't feed my grade school babies, I cannot feed my tropical fish,

I just want all the high produces to go down, that is what I wish,

My tough wife stepped on a big, rusty nail,

My youngest got his head stuck in a pail,

Medical bills piled up, so I pawned grandma's silver candy dish..

DADDY DIRTY BEARD

Daddy grew a beard, it was itchy and full of bad bugs,

Daddy was so gross and awful, yet he wanted mommy's hugs,

Mommy sat daddy down, 

Shaved his face; shaved his crown,

The shaving got rid of the lice, but the ticks dug deeper down.

MOSQUITOS TAKE MORE THAN BLOOD

Meanie mosquitos, they done ate off my arms,

Then when I looked for my legs, that set off alarms,

My legs were in mosquito guts,

I was going really nuts,

No more camping, I'll stay on the farms.

7522

I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed, and one that's the same from my start,

So, with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain, if I were smart.

51022

THE MAGIC FROG AND I

I was looking for some big frogs, to cut off their frog hind legs,

Those appendages taste delicious, when fried with scrambled, bird eggs,

I went down to the local town, frog pond,

Came upon a frog with a magic wand,

He turned me into a big fat fly; what for? The question begs.

STRAWBERRY-PIE PLANT PIE

Deep, delicious radiant treat.

My strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Without its luster before my table seat,

I would  crash and die,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie my friends,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie,

The gods created flavors of other things,

 And, I ask the gods "just exactly why,"

Strawberry-rhubarb pie has the absolute taste,

And, no other flavors can remotely compare,

Why waste hours combining various bakery paste,

When, pie-plant and strawberries are the true baker's ware. 

121821

LEADFOOT PENNY GOT CAUGHT

Penny traveled down the road too fast,
And, became a part of the criminal caste,
So, she got a big fine,
But, Penny didn't whine,
For she violated many times in the past.

3621

THE PLANT SPIRIT

I just met the ghost of a red daffodil,

It use to live way up on this hill,

But a chipmunk, who was rude,

Thought the daffodil was food,

The daffodils' spirit wanders the hill still.

FROM COD TO SOD

I am universally known as a fish, cod,

A fisherman caught me with a hook, line and rod,

Now, I'm a cod on a bun,

It is not very much fun,

After digestion, I'll fertilize some grass, sod.

GONDOLIER

I dreamt I was a real gondolier, a gondolier says I, 

I'd sing a song as I pushed along, of love and lullaby,

I made a million gondo trips,

And, paid exclusively from tips,

I know I'll be remembered, because I was a gondola pushing guy,

SOCIAL MEDIA AI TECHIES DO THEIR BEST WORK ON THE TOILET

There are thousands of "lonely", "pretty girls", who want to follow me on the former, Twitter,

They must be awfully lonely, with no self-esteem, because I am vicious, mean and bitter,

Alas, the girls are AI,

Purposed for to corporate spy,

No doubt, these fictions are created by some ambitious tech lad, while sitting on a shitter.

TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS, OR YOU'LL END UP DEAD LIKE ME

First thing, I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills,

I ended up cold dead, because of just mundane, life thrills,

A morning fight with my mate,

My subway train was real late,

At my job review, my boss said, I lacked critical skills,

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

6000 POSTS ON LIMERICKS AND STUFF BY LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

I HAVE PUBLISHED 6000 POSTS ON THIS SITE

Thank you for visiting me and making this site an international success.  

I would also like to acknowledge some of my pseudonym names:  Tim Colin, Ted Colin, Mike Colin, Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel and Gerrard. 

Enjoy browsing on this site and others I have created.  My sites are all free to read and browse.  You do not need a subscription to access any posts.  Feel free to use "search" to quickly locate a subject that interests you.

Again, I thank everyone who has over the years, visited this site.  I would not have kept publishing these many years, if it were not for your visitations.

Chum's Corners Townie

I went to the town of Chum's Corners, it is my less than three, <3

It's where I buy my cookies and milk, for my afternoon tea,

Did the pinball arcade,

Sharpened the chainsaw blade,

 Nice day for me and townie ilk, except my sting from that bee. 

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

PARKER LIKED OYSTERS AND CLAIMS, BUT SNAILS WERE LESS CONFUSING

At the beach, sometimes Parker picked up oysters, sometimes Parker picked up clams,

Sometimes Parker noticed Davids, sometimes parker noticed Pams,

Parker didn't know what to do,

So, Parker said, "toot a loo",

Then Parker went up the beach to pick up snails, all of them were Sams. 

THERE BE SCABIES HERE

My little brother had itchy scabies, they were thick as they could be

I told my brother to stay away, and keep his scabies off of me,

If only took a few,

Now, I'm infected too,

Our mean, crazy sister got away from us by climbing up a tree.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

32822

I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

31822

FINGER STUBS AND MY RECKONING WITH CHOPIN

Chopin cut off all my fingers because of the noise I made,

He said no amount of his lessons would give my talent aid,

Now, with just my 10 finger stubs,

I work at the gym giving rubs,

I fixed Chopin; the last lesson he gave me, I never paid.

VINCENT PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE

Vincent played the saxophone,
He was completely deaf to tone,
He sounded like Jazz,
But, had no pizzazz,
For pay they would throw him a bone.

82821

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

5218

MASTERS OF THE CHEAT: WINNERS IN THE NEW ORDER

No good jobs, no work, no money to survive,

It is tough finding the stuff to stay alive,

But, while my honest soul grieves,

Neighbors rejoice, being thieves,

They spent their lives learning skills to cheat and kanive.

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

42624

THE DRINKING SONG

I drank a soda pop, and was inspired, then I wrote some rhymes,

I sniffed an empty whiskey bottle, then wrote about crimes,

I drank an old, skunky beer,

And, wrote about hunting deer,

I drank a bottle of French wine, and I talked about my French times.

I THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT

I thought I was important, but  according to YouTube, I guess I'm not,

I am not as important as a small pool of blown, green eyed, dimpled snot,

Snot got 1 million likes; snot got 10 million views,

I got zero likes, and my views were in the 2's,

Snot lives in a mansion; I squat in a tent on a dead Kmart, back lot.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

52425

DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But, I couldn't see them looking sad,

So, I gave them lots of money, and sent them to the grocery store.

102122

THE SCIENCE PERSON WHO DISAPPEARED

I think that it's mysterious, diabolical and weird,

I only took one science class, and completely disappeared,

I do not know where I'm at

But, there is this talking cat,

He told me I had polio, at least that is what he heared. 

IN MY DREAM I AI FLY

If I could think like a humanoid AI,

I would be a much wealthier, well dressed guy,

I'd create me a honey,

I'd give my honey money,

We'd eat lobster and around the world we'd fly.

NO PLACE TO BUY FOOD, JUST LAWYERS

I was really happy when I moved to the zip code that ended in 67,

There was a 7-11 store, right next door, so I felt like I was in heaven,

I use to buy my liquor and more,

At the old 7-11 store,

Last month they closed the store, and put in a law office, LEVIN, KEVIN AND BEVIN.

THE VAMPIRE DRINKS ON HOLIDAYS

The ginger boy was frightened, his hair turned from red to gray,

For he saw a wretched vampire, on St. Crispness Day,

The boy watched his sister,

Get a vampire neck twister,

After the vampire drank her blood, he just flew away.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

9823

THE BOUNTIFUL LIFE OF TOILET FLIES

The Flies stay in the bathroom, looking for something good to eat,

The flies smell sweetness in the toilet, and on the toilet seat,

And, under the toilet seat ring,

A feast befitting a fly king,

There's enough for his loyal minions, to feast upon the treat.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance they did rule.

2725

MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,

Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,

At the kitty store,

I bought my cat, Thor,

Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.

62924

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

8122

THE LOSER: I NEGOTIATED MY OWN RAISE

I once worked at a tourist diner, way down by the bay,

Tourists didn't tip very well, and I got very low pay,

So, the owner I would always bug,

Until, he gave me a coffee mug,

He let me drink free coffee, that's how he got me to stay.

THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

DEEP DITCH FISHING

In great lakes and great oceans fishermen find their riches,

But, I find my best fishing along roads with deep ditches,

Among the cattails are the muckers,

Those tasty crawdads and blood suckers,

Of course, you must beware so none get into your britches. 

92222

  

APOCALYPSE: GOOD NEIGHBORS OR FOOD INSECURITY

When dad use to go out hunting,  neighbors went missing, but our freezer was full of meat,

Mom spent very little at the grocery store, but we always had plenty to eat.

One day the police came,

Mom and dad had gained fame,

They were both famous for their YouTube channels that showed how to prepare exotic meat.

MY NEIGHBORS ARE PIRATES AND RUN REALLY FAST

Evil porch pirates are at it, frustrating, insane

They're a clog in a toilet that will never down drain,

They grab a box, (a bad habit),

Then, run like scared jacky rabbit

They steal my last suppers, causing me bad belly pain.

APOCALYPSE: 6-7 DAYS LATER

6-7 days into the apocalypse, people will change,

People across the earth will mutate into puss monsters, real strange,

The puss monsters are infected souls,

Oozing puss out through their body holes,

Oozing puss monsters always seem to stop, after a case of mange. 

APOCALYPSE: THE PAPER CHASE

We must mass hoard things to survive an apocalypse death, and survive the odors that are foul,

That means one item must be massively stored, and I'm not talking about the common, paper towel,

I have this one thing inside my head,

Poor hygiene is worse than being dead,

One needs many sheets of toilet paper, to clean up that which is festooned, by a stressed out bowel,

MY SUCCESSFUL UNCLE HOBNOBBER

Uncle Lee needed money, so he took a part-time, pizza delivery job,

Uncle delivered a pizza in Kalamazoo, to a billionaire, named Bob,

Bob said, "dear friend, Lee",

" I will set you free,"

Bob gave my uncle his own pizza place, so that with millionaires he could hobnob.

APOCALYPSE: THE REQUEST FOR AIR

I am preparing for the apocalypse end,

If you are too, then I have made a brand, new friend,

I have some bottled air,

But, I have none to spare,

If you need some, for another friend you must send.

I AM BADGER EDIBLE

I'm glad that badger did not rip off both of my hands, that way I can still feed my chickens,

Too bad that old badger tore up both of my legs; the right leg, it still hurts like the dickens,

The wolverine is much meaner,

But, he cuts through your bones cleaner,

I stay plump by frying my birds in bacon grease, or that badger would of had slim pickin's

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

51322

HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf, so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy me a stogy.

6621

DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

61621

AI TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING, THEN I LOST MY MIND

I was singing in the living room, and felt like a rising concert star,

But, my home is being foreclosed on, and the mean bank repossessed my car,

I was replaced by AI at the junkyard,

Seems the boss put his faith in a robot guard,

I was sad, but went nuts and started concert singing; minds are so bizarre.