CONDOR JIMMY RUNS NO MORE

Jimmy was a mighty condor, who ate old potato buns,

But every time he ate them, Jimmy Condor got the runs,

Jimmy took some pills,

To cure his nasty ills,

Now when Jimmy does evacuate, he drops bricks weighing tons.

TOTSIE TERMITE AND TICKER TAPE

Tootsie Termite took ticker tape,
Tickered tourist Tommy Thape,
The ticker tumbled,
Tommy trumbled,
Toward Tootsie's teacher Terri Twape.

P05122022

ON TIGERS, PANTS, AND GINGER

Benny got ginger on his pants,

The favorite food of tiger ants,

Poor Benny, my mate,

Got completely ate,

That's why, on Twitter, I rants.

MY CHIMNEY

My chimney is impossible to clean,
I spent the winter burning wood too green,
It caused a big fire,
Burnt the house down entire,
Now the chimney is the only thing seen.

P12172022

I DREAMT I HAD BIG TURKEY FEET

I dreamt I had big turkey feet,
And a drumstick for a leg,
I dreamt I had two turkey wings,
And I yearned to lay an egg,

I dreamt I was sitting in a tree,
With a thick branch for my couch,
I dreamt that I was shot dead in my tree,
And, my final thought was ouch!

I dreamt I was floating right above,
A dinner table set in honor of me,
And there my dead corpse was layed out with love,
Well centered so all could see,

Then, my dream came to an abrupt end,
As the diners devoured my meat,
And I woke up back at my hunting camp,
But I still had big turkey feet.

P11012022

DUMPY THE HOUND HAD A HEART FULL OF JOY

Dumpy the hound had a heart full of joy,
He had an owner named Thad who was a real depressed boy,
Dumpy got Thad to play,
Which made Thad happy that day,
So Thad bought Dumpy a really neat toy.

My dog named Dumpy sure likes to chew,
He chewed up my car seats and my car is brand new,
I got Dumpy a chew toy,
But he was a very bad boy,
He chewed my shoes up so, I’m shoeless too.

P08032022

TWO MEN AND A SUITCASE

Two men had a suitcase full of contraband beer,

They brought it in from Canada in their trunk rear,

It was good beer, but moved bowels,

Best keep near lots of towels,

It was a Canadian special made for hunters of deer.

I ONCE BOUGHT STOCKS

I once bought a boat load of stocks,
But, they were all covered with pox,
I lost all my money,
When I told my honey,
They sank my boat at the docks.

My broker sold me some stock,
He said my profits would rock,
My stock started to stink,
My money went down the drink,
I'd like to clean somebody's clock.

P07122022

RANDY AND HIS TRIKE

Randy went riding on his big wheeled trike,
He rode a big wheel since he was a tike,
At age forty he'd say,
A trike was his way,
Since he fell on his face off his bike.

04112023

Little Wiggins The Pig Part Three

Little Wiggins was a pig, inspired

He traded stocks until he retired,

Wiggins still liked his slop,

He would slurp slop nonstop,

He chewed coffee grounds to get wired.

P01232023

THE BALLAD OF GRANGER

Granger was a kid, who was very poor,

He'd sit on the walkway in front of my store,

People tossed him dimes,

A quarter at times,

He's now worth a million, some say more.

PEOPLE WANT MY RUTABAGA

I trade rutabaga at my vegetable stand,

I barter for butter and real milk that is canned,

Sometimes I get cheese,

On pie it's the bees knees,

I trade rutabaga for coffee, if it's the right brand. 

MY FRUIT BASKET

The fruit in my basket was rotten,
It had been placed there and then forgotten,
The grapes were real slimy,
The pears withered and grimy,
The oranges were pithy like cotton.

Today I received a fruit basket,
It was really more of a fruit casket,
The apples were bruised,
The bananas abused,
The cellophane didn't really mask it.

P04242022

THE DEADLY DEE DEES

When the deadly dee dees come out at night,

They only want to make a bite,

They'll bite your toes,

They'll bite your nose,

They'll bite your skin, where pajamas are tight.

THE SHOVEL, PIGS AND OGRES LIMERICK

In the ogre village next door,

They are preparing for war,

I stole one of their pigs,

And, A shovel that digs,

Now they're coming to even the score.

NOT HARDER TIMES, WHEN I GOT DIMES

My net worth is a pocket full of dimes,

I have lived through much harder times,

I'd eat some begged bread,

Felt myself well feed,

For more bread, I'd do all sorts of crimes.

A WALK IN THE WOODS TAKES LIFE IN A NEW DIRECTION

I thought my walk in the woods would be very lame,
Then, along came a panther and he was not tame,
It was time for his dinner,
And, I'm never a winner,
So, ended my search for both fortune and fame.

P03232022

A BUTTERFLY NAMED IRVING

There was a butterfly named Irving,
When he flew he went a swerving,
He got by a bird and bat,
And, an orange kitty cat,
They found his moves perturbing,

Irving the butterfly liked to dance,
The lady butterflies he'd romance,
Irving strove to improve,
His every dance move,
So, his lady luck he could enhance.

P10082022

DON'T PLAY WITH A CHAINSAW LIMERICK

Joe went out to cut some firewood,
He played with the chainsaw and that's not good,
He cut off his feet,
And fell on his seat,
Now he respects the chainsaw like he should.

P08172022

HICKORY AND A HOLE IN MY SOCK

Hickory was the wood in my clock,

Pine was the boards on my dock,

Known by everyone,

My dock build was done,

While a mouse chewed a hole in my sock.

A WALRUS IN THE JUNKYARD

There was a walrus in my junkyard, biting on the good tires,

He liked explosions in his mouth, then he chewed upon the wires,

I doubt the walrus was quite all there,

The exploding tires gave me a scare,

Then the walrus smoked a cigar, and caused some gas tank fires.

TEETH BRUSHED WILL TRAVEL

Palmer likes to hit the booze, some say he is nothing but a lush,

I find it hard to tell, because after each drink, his teeth he'll brush,

Palmer travels on a train,

Sometimes Palmer takes a plane,

Palmer always has his toothbrush, so his habit stays hush, hush.

I GO TO THE MASS BECAUSE OF MY CLASS

I may be illiterate and just a bit crass,

For I come from the lowest of the lowered down class,

I get paid to sweep floors,

For my betters open doors,

And, fix toilets when they're plugged with a mass. 

THE HAPPY RHYMEY TIMES

Several years ago, people would mostly speak in a rhyme,

People were very happy, and very happy all the time,

Then along came this meanie,

Speaking the language, obsceney.

Now if you don't speak obsceney, it is considered a crime.

MY BABY GETS HIS ROUGHAGE

I have a pet raccoon and he eats only pinecones, 

Does not care if filled with peanut butter or stones,

He has rough roughage and while it still steams,

I hear him complain, then he hollers, then screams,

I know that he is all done, when he sighs, and then moans.

BUGGY BITTERS

Whenever I go down to the neighborhood pub,

I get layers of dead bugs in my bitters and grub,

Tried partaking elsewhere,

Found much short pubic hair,

I guess the bugs are ok at my old townie hub.

DUSTY BITTERS

I went to the tavern for a pint of bitters,

In it were specks, looked like little critters,

The bar keep said it was just dust,

He'd pour me another, if he must,

I said that "the legs on the dust gives me jitters".