WILLIE AND HIS ICE CREAM

Willie went to jail in Midland for his insurance fraud scheme,

All they would feed him in jail was bowls of vanilla ice cream,

Willie got so very wide,

They had to jail him outside,

In order to bathe poor Willie, they made him jump in a stream.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE HAIKU

Haunted house, “Oh my!”,
Banging, clanging, scary stuff,
Bags packed, out door, bye!

CHICKEN, GREASE AND BUNNIES

I bought some little chunks of chicken to deep fry in bacon grease,

That's what we'll have for Christmas, because my bird shot missed the geese, 

Although I'm in the habit,

Of eating Christmas rabbit,

The bunnies, this year looked so cute, that I left them all in peace.

I FOUND MY FAMILY IN MY TEA

I found a sea horse swimming in my instant tea,

I really do not know how he got there, to be,

I put him in a glass bowl,

So he could stretch out his soul,

I now have a family, my sea horse and me.

HUNTER MORTY FEEDS HIS HUN

Morty got a deer today, so now his hunting is all done,

He packaged up his venison, and locked away his big gun,

His freezer is full of venison and cherries,

Blue, and black and red raspberries,

And, ten cases of Ding Dongs, that he'll be sharing with his hun.

THE HONEY AND MY FOX

My little fox, escaped his box,

I put him in it to detox,

He was addicted to honey,

That made him runny,

I stepped in it with my white socks.

FRUIT, CHERRIES, NUTS AND MILK

I'm having the fruit cocktail with those little sweet red cherries,

It tastes even better with a few scrumptious blueberries,

Then I add some mixed nuts,

I guess it helps, one's guts,

Then I'll drink a chocolate milk, I buy from local dairies.   

THE BRUSH

I found a well used, bristled toothbrush on the floor,

I think the renters left it, who lived here before,

"Finder's, Keeper's", I'd say,

Offsets the rent I pay,

And, saves me a trip to the toothbrush selling store.

DEER CAMP AND TOWNIES

At deer camp, we eat our spaghetti and chili dinners,

Then off to the local bar, and we party like sinners,

First we eat Bob's good brownies,

For strength to brawl with townies,

We never get any deer, but in our minds we're big winners.

THE WOLF HAD A BONE TO CHEW, AT DEER CAMP

I drove way up north to our deer camp, and it was most insane,

My friends all went to a secret deer camp, via an aeroplane,

I sat by the fire, alone,

Here comes a wolf, chewing a bone,

He said the place to get a deer, is the tracks, where runs the train.

THE CHIPMUNK AND HIS BERRIES

I had a pet chipmunk, but he didn't live too long,

The berries he ate, were the berries that were wrong,

I bought a berry picking book,

But, he gave it, not one look,

Now he lies in his grave, dug 6 inches long.

BENNY TOOK THE STINGER TO HEART

Benny caught a bee, so he could make honey at his place,

But, all poor old Benny got, was a stinger on his face,

To try to stop the rapid swelling,

Benny found a hospital dwelling,

In the end all Benny got, was a heart that had a pace.

HALLOWEEN IS OVER, SIGH 😞👹

Halloween is over, and I already miss it very much,

I like dressing up like Elvis, and drinking my wicked warlock punch,

Halloween comes but once a year,

Bringing big screams and goblin cheer,

I have some leftover trick-or-treats, I brought them in my lunch.

THE BETTER DAY LIMERICK

All my acquaintances and the sages always say,

Tomorrow will positively be a better day,

But in my logical bighead,

Tomorrow is closer to dead,

Thus, I should hope tomorrow stays far, far, far away.

THE SKIN CARE DREAM

I grew asparagus in a very detailed dream,

I dreamed I made a billion bucks from a veggie cream,

The product became real,

The cream made the skin peel,

It peeled so bad it looked like the skin was burned with steam.

LITTLE MEN WENT FISHING

Seven little men walked way out upon the frozen lake,

They had gone there to see how many fishies they could take,

Three of the men, they drowned,

Three more froze, searchers found,

The last little man went home, and had scrambled eggs and stake.

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

WHEN I DRINK I FIND SOME THINGS

In my Tuesday coffee mocca, I found someone's lost toenail,

It was big and olive green, and it made me turn quite pale,

The nail was from a big toe,

Not flat, it had a bow,

Now I find an earwax glob, floating in my Wednesday ale.

I GRABBED A WILD TURKEY BY THE BEAK

I grabbed a wild turkey by the beak,
I thought it would stay calm but, boy did it freak,
It squawked a turkey alarm,
Then, it bit off my arm,
Now, a doctor is just what I seek.

WITHOUT FISH, THEY ATE CAKE FOR THE NOONER

Sam and Drake fished all morning, way out on the lake,

To catch enough sunfish for a nooner fish bake,

But noon came too early,

Making Sam, so surly,

They didn't catch any sunfish, so their nooner was cake.

SANTA THE BIG BUSINESS MAN

Santa had an  evil businessman id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at Elfin workers,
If he felt that they were Elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

WE EAT WHAT DADDY GROWS IN THE GARDEN, NOT

Ben's peppers were an abnormal hot,

They made all his kids noses, run snot,

Kids would not eat them,

They stayed on the stem,

Until they became putrid with rot.

THE INSATIABLE COUGAR LIMERICK

A cougar kept scratching at my door,

I fed him the kids, but he wanted more,

So I let him into my house,

He scarfed down my spouse,

Then he bit off my head, I feel sore. 

THE OLD DUCKS THAT FLY AND FLEW

The old ducks they fly, and the old ducks they flew,

My old folks went south, for fresh cornbread and stew,

They summer in the north,

May 1st thru July Fourth,

When the crackers stop, they're off into the blue.🛩

I POEMED THE ZOMBIES

In the streets the zombies roamed, 

Their mouths were drooling while nostrils foamed,

But, I valued my hide,

So, I stayed inside,

And, the zombie saga I poemed.

THE FEAR OF SOAPS, SHOWERS AND FLOWERS

There was a grocery bagger, named Howard,

Howard was by all measures, a true coward,

He hardly ever used soap and then showered,

His many smells made him feel more empowered,

He feared the soap scent would make him smell flowered.