I DID NOT KNOW BEARS ATE FRUIT FOR DESERT

I was real hungry, when I caught a baby chipmunk in my baby chipmunk snare,

The baby chipmunk begged me not to eat him; his little body, I did a spare,

Along came a grizzly bear,

He grabbed me by my hair,

I begged him not to eat me, but he feasted on my body, then enjoyed a pear.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

1823

THE PARASITES IN THE LAKE

The lake water teams with parasites,

Those who drink it can expect long, nasty nights,

A drinker was the bear,

All night he cried out in despair,

But, by morn the bugs had finished their bites.

11722

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

91824

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

72623

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

121023

THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grizzly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

52926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grizzly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

42026

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

1922

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

LOOKS AND LANGUAGE

I slapped on some red lipstick, and penciled in some eyeliner,

I fixed up my cute dog face, and I have never looked finer,

Tight nylons make chubby legs thinner

I am attending a gala dinner,

My big wig hair speaks of confidence, short hair would say, "whiner".   

ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

12926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grizzly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

11825

I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

7322

WE'RE FORCED TO SHARE THE SHACK, WHERE GRANDPA SQUATS FOR FREE

Heat monster, heat monster please go away,

You killed daddy's farm crops, now the family eats hay,

And, a cloud of blowing dust,

Killed daddy's cows, he be bust,

We'll soon move to grandpa's squatter shack on the bay.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

92923

THE SUMMER OF TERROR (2026)

All this heat, and all these rains,

By the both, I'm caused great pains,

When the river overflows,

Then drown, I goes,

The heat boils my liquids, and cooks my brains.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But, if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

8324

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

113020

SISTER SANDY: THE OUTDOORS AND CINNAMON BUNS

Sandy is my sister, she lives out on the lakes,

She keeps her home nice and tidy, and cinnamon buns she bakes,

Sandy hunts buck deer, and big bears,

Panthers poop, when at them, she stares,

Happy Birthday Sandy, enjoy the ice creams, and the cakes.

DUMPED DEADBEAT SUE FOR BORN RICH KATE

Sue and I bought some very expensive, big city, real estate,

We both thought we would get a really descent, low interest rate,

But, my sweetie, homie partner, Deadbeat Sue,

Didn't pay her college loan, since 2002,

After that, I found a nice, wealthy, homie partner called, Rich Kate.

SUE AND I HAD GUESTS, WE DID NOT INVITE TO OUR PARTIES

All I had was some chamomile tea,

But, somehow parasites got into me,

I feel better than Sue, 

She turned a dark blue,

She got parasites from apple crunchy.

SANDY'S BLUE BLOOD HUBBY HAD CONTAGION.

Sandy had a real lovey  dovey hubby,

She'd give him an alcohol body rubby,

She would kill all his bugs

For safe kisses and hugs,

Sandy's hubby tended to be bug grubby.  

MYTHICAL HORNED BEASTS DEFEAT BIGLY BEAR

There was a bear in my farm field, chewing on my eared corns,

I sicked on him my dangerous, half feral unicorns,

The bear yawned, and took a great, bigly, bear poop,

He thought he'd be eating unicorn gut soup,

The bear did not reckon on the poison in the uni horns.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

42224

4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So, I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July, can't be beat.

63023

I SAW 2 CLOWNS AND A FAIR BEAR

I went to the government fair, and boy, was it boring

There were 2 clowns, and an old bear, and the bear was snoring,

I wished the bear to wakeup,

And, make the 2 clowns his sup,

Then, lightning flashed, and on the way home it started pouring.