IT'S NEWS YEARS EVE AND MY GIRL MARY

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary,
Ran off with some dude she called Barry,
Even my pup ran off with some mutt,
Leaving me watching a documentary on the life of king Tut,

I’m so very glad that this year,
Has reached its imminent demise,
I shed not a single tear,
I hope next year I’ll be wise,

No girlfriends for me,
No pets for me anymore,
I’ll cherish the time I am free,
While only myself I’ll adore.

WHY CAN'T I SELL MY STOCKS ON CHRISTMAS DAY?

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day,
For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay,
But, Wall Street was closed down,
My family was coming to town,
So, I skipped out of town to L.A.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

The limerick man wrote a limerick in jail,
It was about the high cost of bail,
The judge read it twice,
Raised the bail up thrice,
So, the limerick man still sits on his tail.

MY ONLINE DATE

Karen was a zombie pain,
Because she bit into my brain,
Maybe she tried to flirt,
But, her bite really hurt,
Finding love online is insane.

THE NOVEMBER IDES HAIKU

November Ides? Gee!
Ides? Celebrate? Fear? Party?
Day off? Relax? Great!

OF KITES AND KINGS

The reign of kings and dictates of the state,
Their engine speaks without review of choice,
The masses, millions,live from fate to fate,
Their cries are silenced by the nobler voice.

The technocrats, the learned contemplate,
Their, marbled halls and golden domes so grand,
Their seaside towns where they can recreate,
And, celebrate the powers in their hand.

The millions work and let their leaders play;
No land, no strength, no powers can they sight;
The rich man's clout shall rule beyond today;
The poor mans luck goes crashing like a kite.

The kings by choice, they soar above the ground,
By winds and strings the kites drift ever down.

NOW THAT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HAS ENDED

Now that Daylight Savings Time has ended,


Getting a game of golf in gets me winded,

I use to make my holes last and last,

But, darkness comes so I play fast.

WHEN SANTA'S JOB IS DONE LIMERICK

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe,
He had just opened up a can of fresh tripe,
His job was now over,
Until the end of October,
But, Mrs. Claus could work; she could type.

A SALMON TEASE NAMED LOUISE

There was a big salmon named Louise,
She swam by the pier for a fisherman's tease,
The baits were never taken,
Until I tried on some bacon,
With lemon I consumed her with ease.

LARRY PLAYED THE HARPSICHORD

Larry played the Harpsichord,
He played it like an English Lord,
He played it his way,
So dull and so gray,
Everyone in the room got board.

THE BANKER NAMED MEL

There once was a banker named Mel,
He was known as the banker from hell,
He stole lots of money,
And thought it was funny,
He retired and lives very well.

THERE WAS A CONGRESSWOMAN NAMED BELLE

There was a Congresswoman named Belle,
She had plenty of favors to sell,
Lobbyists built her a house,
Gave a good job to her spouse,
Now Belle is set up for life quite well.

THE DINGY DONKEY POLITICAL LIMERICK

The dingy donkey had its say,
It kicked and he-hawed until we gave it it’s way,
Now we have to starve,
So steak the donkey can carve,
And serve to elephants and donkeys that pay.

A LIMERICK MADE A BANKER LOOK BAD

A limerick made a banker look bad,
But, the banker got even not mad,
He took the Limerick man’s house,
Bankrupted his spouse,
Now, the Limerick man’s homeless and sad.

THE TALL SHIP SARAH SUE PART I

There was a tall ship named Sarah Sue,
It set sail upon the Great Lakes true,
It carried copper and gold,
And silver I'm told,
It rolled on the waves white and blue.

THE EMPIRE CALLED ROME LIMERICK

There once was an empire called Rome,
It was far, Far East of our home,
It was an empire,
Then it caught on fire,
It melted like it was Styrofoam.

GENEVA AND THE BLUE JAY

A blue jay pecked at Geneva's head,
She swiped at him but, he had fled,
Geneva yelled at that jay,
Things no one should say,
So, back again he came to make a swoop,
He didn't peck her head but left some soup.

BE A WINNER AND GET SOME NOSE HAIRS LIMERICK

George was mad because he could not grow nose hair,
Unlike his wife and his friends his inner nose was just bare,
But, George’s brain got a blood rush,
So, George cut off the bristles of his tooth brush,
George’s nose is real picky but George does not care.

Be a winner and get some nose hairs,
They are pretty in gray or,  brown  or, black pairs,
Don't pull them out with your tweezers,
Let them grow in full like an old geezer's,
People will gawk wishing your nose hairs were theirs.

THERE WAS A SKUNK NAMED AMADEUS

Amadeus the skunk left a stink in the air,
Everyone hated it but, he did not care,
One day when he was alone,
Amadeus began to grown,
He longed for a friend that just was not there.

CHARLIE THE ANT

Charlie was a little ant,
He brought his queen ant sugar,
Once he made a big mistake,
And, brought his queen a bogger.

THE AUTUMNAL EQUINOX

The Autumnal Equinox,
Is it time to play with the clocks?
No, I guess we must wait,
For a new future date,
The confusion should be cursed with a pox.

I have a major motorcycle,
It’s called a Marley 101,
It does not really go any place,
It just looks like I’m having fun,

I have never gotten it even started,
I never heard its majestic engine purr,
But, after coming home late from the beer garden,
It’s sight is a beautiful though silent blur,

Someday soon I’ll be a humming,
Down the street on my Marley 101,
Then the jealousy of other guys,
Will make a backdrop as the girls come.

SEPTEMBER IDES LIMERICK

The Ides of September are here,
This brings us something to fear,
Our gardens grow old,
The wind brings the cold,
The frost makes our nose runny clear.

VETERANS DAY

Today we honor our military vets,
As we have our homes, cars and TV sets,
For their sacrifice we all have a better life,
Without the tyranny and strife,
As our children wait to be passengers to mars,
They are  resting on our hero’s shoulders,
For in protecting the stripes and stars,
We will one day visit those distant boulders.

I FELT SOMETHING SQUISHY BETWEEN MY TOES LIMERICK

Something squished between my toes,
And, then a scent rose up my nose,
The dog from next door,
Soiled on my deck floor,
What’s more, I couldn’t find my hose.

THE LIGHT SABER NAMED LARRY

There was a light saber named Larry,
He married a phase blaster named Sherry,
When they had a son,
He was the top gun,
He had a blast and a great lazar parry.

MY ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND DESTROYED THE EARTH

Although this day was very bright and quite sunny,
I did not find the day to end up very nice,
Because my bad roommate who found it profoundly funny,
Informed me he had infected our apartment with insecticide resistant lice,

He said his latest girlfriend,
Who worked as a biogenetics engineer?
Created a creature that would bring about mans end,
It was a louse prototype that the military found queer,

Now, the creature had escaped its military masters,
But, it had not gone all around the planet earth,
Instead, it came home with its developer’s boyfriend,
And, his roommate’s bodily fluids would nurse the lice after birth,

Now here we lie just all a bleeding,
Our bodily fluids the lice are drinking away,
I know my demise to the lice is proceeding,
Like a 2012 Louse Armageddon Day.

THERE ONCE WAS A NATION NAMED ROME

There once was a nation called Rome,
It was far, Far East of our home,
It was an empire,
Then it caught on fire,
It melted like cheap Styrofoam.

THE LIGHT SABER NAMED LARRY

There was a light saber named Larry,
He married a phase blaster named Carrie,
When they had a son,
He was the top gun,
He had a blast and a great laser parry.

SISSY WROTE A LOVE SONG-LIMERICK

Sissy Wong wrote a love song but she just could not sing,
Sissy tried to sell her song and sang it on the wing,
So Sissy took on a partner,
In the voice of Tammy Gartner,
When Tammy's voice sang the register would ring.

IT IS ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY

It’s Administrative Professionals Day,
It’s cake and coffee to ease the brain,
A management speech from Mr. J.,
He always stares at the clock like he’s insane,

Of course Mildred thinks that she’s the boss,
She’s jealous of Mr. J’s favorite Jane,
Because a month earlier Mr. J gave Mildred the toss,
Mildred blames Jane for causing her pain.

It’s Administrative Professionals Day,
Our kind has a soap opera on every floor,
At least were compensated with better pay,
Then, the guy greeting you down at the door.

JIMMY BUILT HIS HOUSE OUT OF WATTLES LIMERICK

Jimmy built his house out of wattles,
He decorated the indoors with old pop bottles,
But, the wind blew really, really hard,
The house and bottles blew all over the yard,
The snobby neighbors gave Jimmy some throttles.

IT''S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH AND THERES A FULL MOON

It is Friday the 13th and we have a new moon,
My Aunt Belinda is showing up soon,
She’s nothing to dread,
Unless she brings her dog Fred,
He likes to dig till my yard is a dune.

TODAY IN CANADA IT'S EASTER MONDAY

Today in Canada it's Easter Monday,
Down here in the states we only have Sunday,
So, with kind of a scoff,
I called in sick with a cough,
And, made today my errands to run day.

INVESTING IS NOT GOOD SOMETIMES LIMERICK

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

EVIL TWIN LIMERICK

My evil twin was born today,
On April 3rd near the month of May,
To my family he is a blight,
He is our evil black knight,
And, he's in my mirror to stay.

RANDY THE EASTER RAT

Randy was a big tongued Easter rat,
He painted Easter eggs with his tongue so fat,
He made colored stripes of beauty,
Painting eggs he thought a duty,
The Easter Bunny gave Randy a pat.

THE OGRE WITH THE STASH OF CASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak around,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The Thief would run off with a whiplash.

THERE WAS A TUBER NAMED TAYLOR

There was a young tuber named Taylor,
He fancied himself quite the sailor,
His inner tube got a hole,
Then, he lost his atoll,
He sank while trying to bail her.

MY LITTLE CHERRY TREE JUST DIED

My little cherry tree just died,
Although I fondled it and treated it with pride,
Some say it died diseased with scale,
Or from someone’s pee on it's tail,
Homemade  wine on my tree I relied.

I WENT SNOWBOARDING AND RAN OUT OF SNOW

I went snowboarding and ran out of snow,

I then started plunging to the earth far below,

Looks like my snowboard season is done,

I've completely run out of fun,

Coming back next season I don't know.

HOW TO MAKE LIMERICK PIE

In order to make limerick pie,
You must kiss a tadpole on the eye,
There’s rhyme but, no reason,
They are for the ear pleasin’
It’s stupid so just don’t ask why?

THERE ONCE WAS A LIMERICK WRITER NAMED ROY LIMERICK

There once was a limerick writer named Roy,
He thought he was a real limerick boy,
But, the odd topics he chose,
Along with nonsensical prose,
Gave no one any laughter or insight or joy.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN OUT ON MY STOOP

There was a leprechaun out on my stoop,
The little guy sat all in a droop,
For his gold came up missing,
While a girl he was kissing,
It seems the kiss was just a big dupe.

THE IDES OF MARCH WITH A NEW MOON

It's the Ides of March with a new moon,
Don't be shived by Brutus the goon,
Caesar wasn't too bright,
His bud wasn't tight,
Caesars luck ran out really soon.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME ON THE MORROW LIMERICK

The Ides of March come on the morrow,
They bring to us such benign sorrow,
There is no direct threat,
Nor warnings just yet,
We just fear every day called tomorrow.

THE NEW DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME LIMERICK

                                             
                                               There be nothing quite so dangerous and mean,
                                              As when Daylight Savings Time began in 1918,
                                              No one thought it would really matter,
                                              Giving temporal brain cells a scatter,
                                              The changeover is psychologically unclean.

"Senate Sergeant at Arms Charles Higgins turns forward the Ohio Clock for the first Daylight Saving Time, while Senators LOOK ON, SENATE HISTORICA OFFICE1918" Above courtesy U.S. Senate website.

THE EIGHTH OF MARCH BRINGS US A FULL MOON LIMERICK

The eighth of March brings us a full moon,
I’d look but I’d miss my cartoon,
It’s not I don’t care,
But, it’s Sponge Bob and he’s square,
Priorities set my agenda till noon.

A LIMERICK PIE

A limerick pie is nothing more,
Than, stringing words together for,
A little fun,
Maybe a pun,
Or, some wisdom at the core.

MARCH IS THE MONTH WHERE WINTER BECOMES SPRING?

March is the month where winter becomes spring?
Wow, somebody's brain has had a bit of denting,
So how is it warm?
When all it does is snow storm,
Please, forgive my sarcastic venting.

 

TODAY WE ALL TAKE A LEAP

Today is the day we all take a leap,
We have to when the snow is knee deep,
Leap years make winters so long,
Adding a winter day is just wrong,
All I can say is Bleep!, Bleep!, Bleep!, Bleep!!!

TOMORROW IS A LEAP YEAR DAY

Tomorrow is a Leap Year day,
Where I leap I cannot say,
Maybe in my apartment I will stay,
It’s supposed to snow almost until May.

SANDY WAS A SICK DRUNKEN GIRL WHO DONE WELL

There once was a bad girl named Sandy,
She liked to mix her beer, scotch and brandy,
But, she was always a  sicky,
All the boys  thought she was icky,
She was thin so she married an old billionaire named Andy.

SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN NOT TO TWITTER

Some people are not born to twitter,
Because their thoughts are always bitter,
And, to no ones surprise,
Many who twitter tell lies,
Like the ecology ones who leave litter.

THE MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 2

A monster rat grabbed on my knee,
I had to struggle to get free,
He ate all my cheese,
He's loaded with fleas,
I wish the rat would let me be.

THE SINGING WEASEL

There was a weasel named Willie Hark,
He couldn't weasel but, sang like a lark,
He wouldn't hunt prey,
He would croon all day,
His pantry then looked really stark.

THERE WAS A MAN NAMED HOWARD HEARD

There was a bad man named Howard Heard,
A witch turned him into parrot Bird,
 He ate bird seed all day,
Then at night he would say,
I'm a parrot who can speak any word.

I WISH MY VALENTINE WOULD STAY HOME AND SNOOZE

On Valentines Day I’m singing the blues,
For my valentine drank way too much booze,
She is running down the street,
It’s like a last year repeat,
I wish she’d stay home and just snooze.

MY VALENTINE WRECKED MY CAR

My valentine wrecked my new car,
That will cost her, her candy and star,
So, the candy is for me,
Her star I’ll let be,
As long as she buys my drinks at the bar.

WAYLAND THE ELF KING IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

MY CHEATIE, SWEETIE IS TWEETIE

I thought you were my valentine, sweetie,
But, I guess you’ve been lately real cheatie,
Last week it was Frank,
Yesterday it was Hank,
All the internet knows cause you’re tweetie.

BASIL LOVED BURGANDY

Basil really loved Burgundy,
That is the wine and not the color,
But, for his birthday he got a can of paint,
It wasn’t even burgundy but kind of a yellar.

NEW MOON FEBRUARY 2012 LIMERICK

The new moon in February 2012,
Tells the psychics to put the month on the shelve,
It may be a great year,
But, February’s days are not dear,
These days should be flushed through the septic tank valve.

MY PA, STEP MA AND MY FAMILY ROOTS

My pa’s name was Old Clyde Foots,
His third wife Karen was quite the toots,
They had an all male litter of nine,
This to me was just fine,
For even half brothers still have family roots.

WHEN I SEE THE HURRICANE

When I see the hurricane,
I run away, I flee,
I do not like the hurricane,
Because drowning is not for me,

There are those who watch in awe,
The gales, the lightning, the rain,
But, I just fear being blown out to sea,
By the nasty hurricane,

So, call me a coward as I run away,
And though  your words cause me some pain,
I know that  I'll be around another day,
To run away  from  another hurricane.

THERE WERE TWO BAR MAIDS NAMED CHRISTINA

There were two bar maids named Christina,

When not serving drinks they played the concertina,

But, their music was so sad,

When finished playing everyone was glad,

For their intonation were like a wounded hyena,  

 

TURTLE SOUP SUBSTITUTE

I could not find a turtle for my turtle soup,
So, I went out to see what crawled on my front stoop,
I found a green lizard,
A snake with a gizzard,
And, four bugs with antennae that hoop.

GROUND HOG OR DOG DAY? LIMERICK

I could not find a ground hog,
So, I disguised up my dog,
But, the people from around,
Recognized my old hound,
Groundhogs Day went over like a log.

THE FIRST OF FEBRUARY BRINGS A NEW SEASON

The first of February brings a new season,
I say this without any rhyme or real reason,
The wind is cold when it blows,
Full of ice and heavy snows,
The big bad weather makes me feel like a meson.

THE LEGEND OF BRAN

I was the one sent to fight the great war,
Against the gargoyles and demons and monsters of yore,
I called upon the great forest trees,
They beat my enemies to their knees,
The universe continues as it had been before.

CRAZY JEANIE THE LIMERICK

Crazy Jeanie was a tether-ball queen,
She could beat any boy or girl because she was mean,
She’d pound the ball into the kid’s face,
Then, laugh and yell “Ace”,
Now, she rules as a college athletic school dean.

RALPHIE SWORE HE'D STAY OFF THE DRINK LIMERICK

Ralphie swore that he’d stay off the drink,
It would have gone well except for his girlfriend Ann Klink,
She was not real nice,
And, with a bottle of spiced rum she’d entice,
Ralphie ended up vomiting all night in the sink.

WHILE MARTY WAS DRIVING HIS ROADSTER LIMERICK

While Marty was driving his roadster,
He swerved to miss an old toadster,
He ran right into a tree,
The crash smashed-up his knee,
The hospital is where Marty takes abodester.

A NEW MOON THE TWENTY-THIRD LIMERICK

There's a new moon on the twenty-third,
It's so dark because the new moon occured,
I can't see my toes,
That's the least of my woes,
I opened my mouth I swallowed some bird.

POOR LITTLE MOLLY WET TO BED LIMERICK

Poor little Molly wet to bed,
She was embarrassed so enough said,
Then, when she became a teen,
She was a beauty queen,
She said “embarrassment is all in the head”.

WHAT THE WINTER SOLSTICE MEANS TO ME

It’s the Winter Solstice and I’m so happy,
The days are short and the nights cold and crappy,
Today I froze off my nose,
My fingers and toes,
My body is peeling and scrappy.

THE TWO CHICKENS TALK LIMERICK

This morning I heard two chickens squawk,
Then, their squawking seemed to turn to talk,
But, what did they say?
Was it goodnight or good day?
I don’t know because they were speaking in hawk.

TOE JAM JEFF

Jeff lives off the fat of the land,
In his old job he was summarily canned,
He made macaroni with bows,
With the jams from his toes,
But, some of his jams were loaded with sand.

WOOD CLOCK FALLS DOWN HAIKU

Wall clock falls down, crash, Splintered wood, glass chards, big mess,
Replaced, clock, plastic.

TAKE TIME TO CASTIGATE THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE LIMERICK

Take time to castigate the ones that you love,
Don’t give them a hand just give them a shove,
Blame them for you troubles,
For the real estate market bubbles,
Your loved ones are in the way of your reward up above.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It’s Friday the Thirteenth today,
I think that in bed I will stay,
My truck will not start,
I fell on a lawn jart,
And, I was pecked in the head by a jay.

THERE WAS A BITTER MAN

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter,
He attacked all in family over the media called twitter,
He attacked his cousin the monk,
Said his car-dealer uncle sold junk,
He even said his sister was a poor baby sitter.

I CAN'T REMEMBER ALL THE BOOKS THAT I'VE READ LIMERICK

I can’t remember all the books that I’ve read,
All the movies I’ve seen or the foods that I’ve fed,
All I know is that tomorrow,
Be it joyful or full of sorrow,
My experiences are the guides and so I’m led.l

A NORTH POLE ELF NAMED HANES LIMERICK

There was a North Pole elf named Haynes,
He was in charge of the candy canes,
When the canes would not bend,
And were straight end to end,
He'd eat them though they gave him gas pains.

COME THE GREAT POST APOCALYPSE OF 2012

Come the great post apocalypse of 2012,
I’ll get my meals ready to eat dinners off the shelve,
I will survive many years,
Though I’ll cry many tears,
So, into the past I must resolve not to delve.