THE CLOUD SWIMMER

Carrie the fish swam up in the clouds,
She swam way up there to avoid all the crowds,
For space she didn't vie,
It was quiet in the sky,
The packed ocean had a bad case of the clouds.

FAILURE TO TOOT TOOT

I had a little commute,

To the concert hall to play my toot toot,

But to my despair,

Nobody was there,

It seems the promoter had got the boot boot.

BREAKFAST POST ROAST URINE

I went to do an internet post,

While in thought I burned my toast,

It was my last slice of bread,

That was not stale, moldy dead,

My coffee tastes like a urinal roast.

I'M OFF TO THE YONDER PLACE

I'm off to the yonder place,

Where the deer and the antelope mace,

And, the bears and the cougars,

Fight turf wars with their Luger's,

It's still far better than the human race. 

 

FLOWERS FOR THE HUT

I found a flower on the back of my place,

It was so pretty looking most like white lace,

It was too pretty to cut,

To class up my crud hut,

So, dandelions dress up my home base.

EARTH DAY, BIRTHDAY AND POPCORN

It weren't even May,

When I had my Earth Day,

It was on my birthday,

So at home I did stay,

Watching movies, I had to pay,

Eating popcorn from a tray,

On the bean bag where I lay.

Kissed a boyfriend, he named Ray,

So I guess, I must be gay,

Ordered salad, I got hay,

Then went swimming in the bay.

EARTH DAY IS FOR ALIEN ACCOUNTANTS

Earth Day is when on the planet earth,
Alien accountants visit to count every resource,
To tell their home worlds what the planet is worth,
And, what type of trade rules to enforce,

The earth is then bundled and mortgaged and wrapped,
In various financial market makers,
But, someday all the earth’s resources will be taped,
By the alien world resource big takers,

But, what happens when the resources are gone,
And, the mortgage bundles loose all their wraps,
When there is nothing left to steal or to pawn,
Then there will be galactic economic collapse.

ANGEL FISH HAIKU

Angel fish, beauty,
Swim, filter, stuck, poor angel,
Angel fish, heaven.

BOOK BURNING FOR FRED

Fred went to the outhouse and Fred's books were gone,

They were collected and burned by some government spawn,

Fred felt really blue,

With nothing to do,

He fell asleep on his seat until dawn.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS LIVE (NEXT DOOR)

My neighbors went feral again,🐺🐅🐅🐶🐱🐘🐂🐗

They ate all my pigeons and kin,👩‍👩‍👧‍👧👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👧👨‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👧‍👧

They ate my sugar and molasses,🎂🍰

Wiped my carpet with their asses,💩💩💩💩

And gnawed holes in my meats cased by tin.🥫🥫

BEARD FULL OF BUGS LIMERICK

Jason had a beard full of  bugs,
He tried scratching and giving his hairs  tugs,
The bugs would itch and bite,
Jason could not sleep at night,
He shaved and the critters fell on the rugs

A SEPTIC TANK IN TURMOIL

When the bathtub gurgles and the septic gets perky,🛀🚽

When the sink backs up with water that's smelly and murky,💩

Then, you call for the truck,☎🚒

To get your septic tank a suck,⛲💦

Now, the drains in your home will all worky,😁

IT RAINED ON MY SNOWMAN ARMY PARADE

Down the rain kept coming and washed my snowman army all away,

I was going to invade the neighbor's rhubarb patch on the first full day of May,

With winter labors I made 

My snowmen on parade,

Now, I'll have to start over with clay.

THE APRIL SNOWS WOES

April snows,
Bring garden woes,
And, ruins everything,

April snows,
Freezes little toes,
And, makes infected ear drums ring,

April snows,
As April goes,
Is no harbinger of Spring,

April Snows,
As everyone knows,
Puts one on Google and/or Bing.

 

MOW THE GRASS

It’s the time of the year to mow the grass,
Although I’d rather just take a pass,
My mower don’t run,
It’s hot in the sun,
The bugs bite me all over my mass.

Mowing the grass is a mortal sin,
It will just grow right back again,
If my heart has an attack,
I'll never grow back,
So, why not let the long grass win?

OLD VICKER THE WICKER PICKER

There was a man named Mr. Vicker,
His passion was restoring old wicker,
He'd prowl down the streets,
Looking for wicker without seats,
He was known as the old wicker picker.

WOODPECKER

The woodpecker pecked wood real jerky,

His bobble head made him look quirky,

His sudden jumps showed he was perky, 

"What'd ya expect?" he said, "I ain't no turkey."

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't have done, but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

A RED BRICK NAMED DAVE

There was a red brick named Dave,
Each day he would rant and rave,
He was part of a wall,
About eight feet tall,
He wished to be part of the pave.

WAR AND FAMINE

I have no hamburger, because of the horrible war,

I ate my goldfish, named Sammy, because I am poor,

Overseas, the bombs are blasting,

Here, my pantry ain't lasting,

And my mouth is now bleeding, because I chewed on the floor,

I then chewed on the chair legs, because I wanted more.

,

I TANKED A TANK AND A BANK

I was in the army and drove a tank,

I drove it out on a lake and it sank,

The army could see,

They did not want me, 

Now, I run a home mortgage bank.

UPON MY TOMATO FRUIT SHALL FEED

I have a little tomato plant that I grew from seed,

When my sister saw it she told mom I grew a weed,

Since my sister is a snoot,

She'll get no tomato fruit,

For only the nicest people upon my fruit shall feed.

MAYBE IT'S THE BOOGEYMAN?

As I laid upon my bed,

Someone painted my toenails red,

Did some elf play a part?

Or, a troll's expression of art?  

Maybe it's the boogeyman trying to get inside my head?

SPOILED DEVILED EGGS HAIKU

Deviled eggs, spoiled,
Bad feeling, not right, belly,
Bathroom, bathroom, SICK!

THE STARSHIP BRAIN TRAINER FAILED

Nine thousand years ago I arrived in a starship

I came from a star in your constellation Big Dip,

My mission was to train,

A human to use it's brain,

Obviously, I failed and I don't give a rip.

THAT GNOME GAVE ME A FUNNY LOOK LIMERICK

Watch out the gnomes are coming for you,

They will bite you and eat you and your family too,

They stand out on your dirt,

With their wink you think "flirt",

When, they only look at you as a stew.