GRANDMA: MEATS AND SMELLS

I put on my red ridding hood, and took a stroll down a dire, woodsy path,

I was on my way to grandma's small, backwoods, house, to see what meats she do hath,

Grandma always has lots of red meat,

That's why I sneak over there to eat,

We always eat in the open air outside; grandma smells bad, for lack of bath.

I FOUGHT A VIKING, AND GOT PAIRED

I was sword fighting with a Viking, and I got a surprise,

After I sprayed the Viking with pepper spray, right between the eyes

The Viking swung his sword through the air,

Cut me right in half, made me a pair,

Then I understood what dad said, "those who sword fight a Viking, dies".

MILLIONAIRE MAGIC STICKS

I am sitting on my assets, and letting their value grow and grow,

They consist of a large package of sticks that you shake to make them glow,

I will make money on my glowing sticks,

They be "witches magic", I'll tell the hicks,

Think I'll sell them on an exchange, to hicks with bigger bank account range.

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

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CARING FOR REINDEER AFTER CHRISTMAS, A BUSINESS MODEL

After Christmas, you'll see reindeer meat is extremely cheap,

It always is, once Santa has parked his red flying heap,

Santa cashes in for greed,

Saves big bucks on reindeer feed,

Santa waits until late fall, then rounds up reindeer for the leap.

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ELECTRIC WIRES, STRUCTURE FAILURE AND VARMINTS

I got termites in my home tower,

Mice chewed through my lines of power,

No power to cook goose,

My floors and walls have come loose,

Starving, under rubble I cower.

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FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,

Everyone there drove electric cars,

And, there it is written,

That all must play badminton,

And, at golf one can only make pars.

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TIM LOST HIS FAVORITE FOOT TO A BEAST

Tim loved his pretty, left foot very much,

The foot was air pillow soft to the touch,

Along came an alligator,

He bit her off, and he ate her,

That rude cur, made Tim's appendage his

lunch.

PEANUTS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE

I was told that the gasoline that I buy, I'm only paying "peanuts", who knew?

When two credit cards got declined while buying gas today, I got depressed, real blue,

It don't do any good, crying,

When adult people are lying,

Gas prices are high, I can see with my own eyes, and peanuts are expensive, too.

THE DEEP DARK DOOM

I love to go scrolling, the deep, dark doom,

I love memes with a big nuclear plume,

I love zombies with teeth,

Spreading terror and grief,

I love the spray of napalm like perfume.

FEEDING A CROW: A TRUE STORY

J saw an owl lying alone in the street,

The big owl was cold, dead and missing both feet,

I saw some skin squirms,

He was full of worms,

Along came a crow; he thought he had a treat.

THE ENSEMBLE: STRINGS, SPOON AND BASSOON

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon,

The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon,

When spoon hits bassoon wood,

The sound is mostly good,

Supported by strings, we make a pretty tune.

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THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

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NO LOAN NO CONE, MUCH PAIN NO.GAIN

I went to four different banks, and couldn't get a new mortgage loan,

I couldn't buy ice cream for my family; each one an ice cream cone,

The bank turned me straight down,

I cried on my night gown,

I listen to my hungry kids, and all they do is piss and moan.

I DREAM OF MAKING HONEY BUNS

I got my filthy hands on some fresh honey buns, and oh, they were so good,

I love the sweet taste of the honey buns, that are made in my neighborhood,

They are are always honey yummy,

And, fit perfectly in my tummy,

Some day, when I am older, I'll make honey buns, for now, I just cut wood.

NEIGHBORS DO THE DARNDEST THINGS: A RURAL MICHIGAN STORY

Seymour's neighbors knew Seymour had gold in several fillings,

And, the neighbors knew each gold tooth was worth several shillings,

When Seymour was asleep in his bed,

The neighbors cut off poor Seymour's head,

That was the beginning of the serial fillings killings.

ROOMMATES EAT ME?

I've got so many rats inside, and they keep biting me on my feet,

I think that they must be testing me, to see if I am good to eat,

Two can play that sneaky game,

I talk nice to try to tame,

The question is, which of us will end up as the other's dinner meat.

MY CHRISTMAS JAMS AND DOOMSDAY

They sit silent, in my family sized big pantry; all my jams, except the overflow,

Maybe I'll give the overflow away to my brother Steven, right now, I do not know,

Doomscrolling predicts the world will soon end,

The mass hoarding of foods, shows we don't pretend,

Cities will be slaughter houses, where cannibals go, I'll be snacking on jams, Ho,Ho, Ho.

PRETTY BIRD: WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND, I EAT

Some years ago, I had a most beautiful, colorful, singing bird,

The bright bird knew thirteen foreign operas; I couldn't understand a word,

I told him to sing in my tongue,

He got huffy; his neck got wrung,

I served the pretty bird with stuffing, and mashed potatoes, mixed with curd.

RAGE IS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE

I live in rural Northern Michigan, and we're all full of rage,

I toast my morning struddle each day, with a pump from my 12 gauge,

We do not like any strangers, 

Especially, the park rangers,

Because we hunt deer year around, park rangers want us in a cage.

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated, I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But, there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up, until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the deep, blue sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure, as rare as can be,
But, Benny had very bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date Benny had, was just 2003.

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THE SECRETS OF FABULOUS RANDY

Mr. Randy had a tailor, too,

And, a man who cut and stitched each shoe,

Dear, old Mrs. Fox,

Knitted Randy's socks,

His coat came from a cow that went "moo".

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JACK PINE OF THE STICKS

I live in Northern Michigan, way out in the jack pine sticks,

My home is a disaster dump;  all my neighbors are real hicks,

We all know to duck, then fast run,

When old drunk, Amous cleans his gun,

Most of my kith and kin die real young, from bar fights, bears and ticks.

I TOOK CONTROL OF MY FINANCES

I am already feeling all kinds of thrills,

Since, I decided to quit paying all bills,

Of course, the nice bank set me free,

When they took my home and car key,

I hope I'm mentioned in a few people's wills.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

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All Alone Turkish March by Mozart

Lyrics by Leigh Collin Brandt, draft

All Alone I just sit in darkness, thinking all about you,

Like a stone, my heart is sinking for I dread a life alone,

In my head, I wish I'd not let you know that I could doubt you,

And, I fear for all the things I said, and that I cannot atone, 

Still, I know that I saw you kiss him with romantic passion,

And, I felt as you embraced him you were pushing me away,

It made me feel like a habit that has fallen out of fashion,

Yet, I still wish you'd return to me, when this night turns into day,

All alone I know I'll be sitting, as this darkness lasts forever,

No point in going out into a world that's grown ugly, cold

And, my phone will lie lifeless, for it hears your sweet voice, never,

Only fading thoughts of yesterday, is the love I tightly hold.

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THRIFT STORE SUCCESS

I went thrifting today, and bought plastic tulips for a buck,

I also bought a booster seat, so I can steer my pickup truck,

At home I admired the tulips, 

While sipping down homemade mint juleps,

I wrapped a gift I found for grandad; a signed Red Wings hockey puck.

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FOOT CORNS AND AN UGLY PARASITE, REMOVED

Both of my feet were infested with hickory hard, corns,

Yesterday, "they are ready for harvest", my doctor warns,

On this summer, sunshine  day,

The corns were taken away,

Along with a parasite, that had sharp teeth and long horns.

THIS VOTER FEELS ROYALLY WOOED

I'm a voter and I'm about to be wooed,

That's one way to put it, without being rude,

While the politicians are wooing,

I will do some serious booing,

But, I don't dare boo too much, or I'll be sued.

I FLEW OFF TO VISIT MY DEAD

I flew my little airplane up into the high clouds that are the sky,

Hoping I would meet my family, and friends, who have coped to die,

I thought they would be up in the clouds,

Covered with white, or gray, or black shrouds,

The mountain I didn't see coming; in the fireball, my dears said, "hi".