THE BAD HUBBY BLUES

My wife said I was a bad hubby, and she gave me the boot,

My wife said, it was my drinking, that was the problem, the root

She took the keys to the car,

I had to walk to the bar,

Where I consumed so many sweet bitters, I didn't give a hoot.

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So, I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

1223

BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

112623

SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And, four cheese macaroni,

And, a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

12323

A DRAGON NAMED BILL

There was a dragon named Bill,
His roar would give all a chill,
But, when he would tire,
He’d loose all of his fire,
Then, he’d stand there perfectly still.

5623

DEATH, SOLD BY A SALESMAN

I am getting married to my big, pregnant, college sweetheart, Maggie in May,

I am doing it, because her daddy gave me a job, working in the day,

To make stinking rich your widowed wife,

I'll sell you insurance on your life,

If my sales career takes off, I'll buy a family sized condo, on the bay.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle, tender foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day, we crashed hard, but didn't die.

41724

CONTAMINATED GROCERIES, NOW MY CLOTHES MIGHT FIT

Bugs have laid eggs in my food, because my windows have no screens,

That is why I have those maggots, swimming in my pork and beans,

There is a fuzzy worm,

He's chewing my wheat germ,

Maybe I should just diet, at least I'll fit my skinny jeans.

8624

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

52225

YOUR MAMA SAID THERE WOULD BE DAYS LIKE THIS

I went into the deep, dark web, and did some doomscrolling, and boy did I find the doom,

So, I bought more bottled water, and aluminum foiled my whole bedroom, 

I worked out the kinks,

In my solar power links,

I hope I get the iodide pills I ordered, before the first big, bad bomb goes Boom!

GEORGE WENT FISHING WITH SOME LEECHES-Limerick

George went fishing with some leeches,
Baited them like daddy teaches,
George got a bite,
But, didn't hold on tight,
Tonight He's eating peaches.

91222

MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad, sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

101621

SHE BE MY DINOSAUR

My dinosaur, she ran away,

To the park, where she could play,

She drank some pond water,

Sat on the teeter-totter,

Then, slid down the slide; rest of day.

32523

THE CHESS BET IN THE HOOD

I found an old chess board, and some chess pieces; enough to make a set,

I setup the game in my hood, and played anyone who'd make a bet,

I took their cash, and made so much money,

When people lost, their eyes went tear runny,

Some got real mad and said to me, they were sorry we had ever met.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

112723

FINDING LOVE AND REVENGE IN THE POOL

I use to have a social problem, because I liked to drool at school, 

Once you are flagged as a drooler, other kids do not think you are cool,

I went to therapy,

Didn't do much good, you see,

At school, I fell in love with a drooler, while both drooling in the spool.

TODDLER TRINA GOES SNIFFING

I dreamed that Trina with her little pug nose,

Went outside for sniffing, and she found a small primrose

Inside, Trina sniffed the carpet on the stairs,

She sniffed grandpa's gross, long, ear hole hairs,

Then she found our bluetick hound, and sniffed between his toes.

APOCOLYPSE COW

I was sleeping on the ground, when awakened by an apocalypse cow,

It was trampling on me, and my internal organs were bleeding out, ow,

I have been killed by a lowly, old cow, I fear,

Not a raging bull; nor a cantankerous steer,

After my bones were all busted, I was eaten by a glutinous sow.

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

101421

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

THE FADING CLONES

It is for my great species, uber humiliating,

I am a clone suffering from replicative fading,

Soon, our species will be no more,

Just dying tissues on the floor,

If we weren't cloned in a beaker, we'd be planet invading.

SANTA, THE SNOW MONSTER AND THE ITTY BITTY

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty,

The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the city,

In the city, there were humans to eat,

Santa shared with her his best reindeer meat,

They ate deer meat all summer, the tastiest deer were the itty bitty.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

102823

BOB AND THE THREE BEARS

Bob was sleeping all quiet, in his warm bed upstairs,

When he awoke hearing footsteps of three, great big bears,

When they entered his bedroom,

Bob wet his bed, fearing doom,

The bears were good neighbors, sharing a basket of pears.

12724

BEWARE THE HUNGRY BEAR HAIKU

Beware, hungry bears,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

10722

THE DANCING PIG AND THE POOL BOY

This morning, I saw a feral hog, and he was dancing in my neighbor's yard,

The big beast showed off such amazing dance moves, that he caught me totally off  guard,

I still went and got my gun,

Thought I'd have some pork by one,

When I got back, I saw the big pork beast dancing with the pool boy, named Gerard. 

AS THE MEN IN MY FAMILY AGE

100% of the men who age, will physic change,

Their belts will ride down low, in a below the belly range,

As their bones shrink smaller,

Young people will seem taller,

And, when their hair falls out, they will look bald or sick with mange.

THE BELL TOLLS FOR MY GOLDFISHES

My mom told me to clean my goldfish bowl,
I ignored her and left them smelly in their hole,
Mom got mad as a badly bugged bee,
So, in the bird bath set my fish free,
A robin made my fishes bell toll.

101122

WHERE THE BOOGEYMAN BE

There was a boogeyman who hung around a boogey-bog,

He had a big boogey-cat, and a little boogey-dog,

He drank boogey-beer,

He ate boogey-deer,

Then the bad boogeyman would sleep under a boogey-log.

82424

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

72723

ME AND THE ANGELS SING

When I fell out my window; I slapped the pavement, and knew I was doomed,

I bled out on the meat wagon, and at a fairly young age, entombed,

My bod did not hurt very long,

Before hearing the Angel's song,

I guess all my pain and suffering, was how for the high choir, I was groomed.

Date:  33026

DOWN LOW PRICING HOPE, AND WEAK KNEES

The price of groceries has brought me down on my weak knees,

I just bought two slices of bread, and a thin slice of cheese,

I was charged 200 bucks,

I paid it with cash, oh shucks,

I've gone down low, hoping the higher prices would soon ease.

RAINY, RAINY, RAIN LIMERICK

Rainy, rainy, rain,
The universe has found its drain,
The outdoors smells wet and rank,
Like an overflowed septic tank,
Spring showers bring depression and pain.

42711

PATRONS GET STUCK IN A DART SPORTS BAR (Go Figure?)

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛

The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿

While at the dart club, playing darts,🎯

I hit three patrons, in their hearts,😭

The judge said until I got eye ware, my sport I must abort.😠

4925

I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,

The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,

In town, my face gets a quick wipe,

I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,

I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.

71024

A MOLDY OLD GEEZER IN LOVE

It was six or seven in the evening, when Grandad Perry caught his cold,

He lived in a nursing home, and was so ancient, his body was mostly mold,

He said to me, "Stuart, hey,

Today, I will pass away,"

I looked out for grandad for twelve years, and he left his wealth to his nurse, Miss Gold.

THE MAGIC VOLES LIMERICKS

I went out in the snow and made a hole,

At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,

 The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mich,

So, I'll grant just one wish," 

The vole wished he had hot soup in a bowl.

Voles can make magic and I met one that cursed me,

Now, I can't work with numbers because I can't count past three,

It gets better yet,

Don't know the alphabet,

Cursed voles make me ignorant and free. 

The magic vole liked to play French horn, trumpet and flute,

In fact, he could play anything that made the noise of a toot,

He could beat on a drum,

Sing tenor and hum,

 And, when the police showed up he could scoot.

122023

MYRNA PLAYED THE PIPE ORGAN LIMERICK

Myrna played the pipe organ,
She did not play it very well,
That’s why all around her home,
The neighbors all wanted to sell,

 Myrna chased all the dogs away,
And, the little kitty cats too,
Her horrible noise was just so bad,
 Away all the birdies flew,

Myrna‘s husband at last had enough,
 He stuffed full, the pipes with gum,
So, Myrna took up a new instrument,
And, started beating on her drum.

111722

GRANDMA VS. DINOSAUR

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far,

When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car,

Grandma used her big straw broom,

It was the dinosaurs doom,

Now, his bones decorate grandma's coffee bar.

102523

MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

I had a little spaceship,

But, It did not travel far,

It launched sideways thirty feet,

And, was run over by a car,

My space travels were never great,

I never made it to distant stars,

My trek across this universe,

Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

121323

 

I WENT INTO THE WOODS HUNTING FOR BEARS

I went into the woods hunting for bear,
But, a Bigfoot had already been there,
He ate all the bears,
Except, for some hairs,
And then, those hairs were no more than two pair.

13122

MY FAVORITE JELLYBEANS LIMERICK

The Jellybean Mean by lcb.

I went and bought some jellybeans,
There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens,
But, the purples were the treat,
They were more sour than sweat,
And, rare as defined by any means.

22823

FANGS OF REVENGE

In my garden there was a poisonous snake,

He was waiting for a murderous break,

And, he found a win,

As his fangs pierced my skin,

Revenge for his mom's death by my rake.

12623

INFLUENCER LOOKSMAXXING, TRENDING WORLDWIDE

Larry has been busy with looksmaxxing for the past twenty-four weeks,

Larry wants to be much better looking, that's the career path he seeks,

Larry is a model and an actor,

An influencer, a social factor,

Larry's lifestyle is financed by billionaires; most are techno geeks.