UNCLE LEE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee,

He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free,

There's  cards, darts, bingo and bowling,

Romance: there's vacant lot trolling,

Many find their true love, under the hazel nut tree.

DEER ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES

I went into the woods hunting, and I found me a deer,

It was the end of November, and cold weather was here,

I fired my big gun,

The deer took a quick run,

I guess I must of missed him, that selfish, fur bag of fear.

OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

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IDES ARE BORING, I'M MOVING TO GRAWN

The Ides of March have come and gone,

Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn,

Maybe next year,

The earth won't be here,

Or, maybe I'll retire to Grawn.

THE WASHED AWAY CITY

A sudden massive, storm downpour washed my  city away,

I floated amongst parts of buildings in Saginaw Bay,

Then out of the dark,

Comes this big giant shark,

I kicked him square in the nose, and saved my bacon that day.

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ATTACK OF THE WOLVERINE

The vicious wolverine bit off my middle toe,

I doubt I can get another mid-toe to grow,

He ripped out my lungs and face,

Fast, like he was in a race,

He ran off with my spleen, dragging it through the snow,

THE BEDBUG LIMERICK,HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

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BRONSON THE BEAVER BEAR-Limerick

Bronson was a beaver bear,
His species was really rare,
He built damns with logs,
Frightened cats and dogs,
A cave was his main lair.

There once was a beaver bear named Bronson,
He moved to Michigan from Wisconsin,
His body was a black bear,
His beaver head gave a scare,
He married a beaver bear named Johnson.

I SELL MEALS IN KALKASKA

I opened a store to sell people a quick lunch,

I sold cake, sandwiches and ice cold lemon punch,

It was downtown Kalkaska,

Not the one in Nebraska,

I'll Soon be selling coffee and Bismarcks for brunch.

I WENT QUEENING

I went to Kalkaska, to visit the queen,

She was not there, but she left her trampoline,

I did a  jumpity jumped,

Until the ceiling I bumped,

I bumped so hard, my DNA lost a gene.

HOW I BECAME A ONE MAN BAND

I went out back of the high school to march with the dress band,

I was the only one there, save for the bear eating a hand,

I forgot my bear mace,

So I froze in place,

When the bear turned away, I raned. 

THE COUGAR LIKED HER S'MORES

Katy was a mountain lion, who really loved to eat,

She only snacked on campers, because campers are so sweet,

Katy would eat the campers down to their cores,

For campers taste like stacks of s'mores,

Katy left plenty for her baby lions, so they could get a treat.

IGNORE THE CHEESE AND GET THE BIG ONE

When trunk slammers go north,  the locals assume their station,

They always smile and act real nice, or suffer a tip cessation, 

They're always pleasant, till out the door,

When a slammer cuts cheese, they just ignore,

Locals always offer lots of help, for slammers like to tip ration.

BEAR BACKWOODS

Two old Teddy bears lived way out in the backwoods,

They made rainbow candles, sold through shops in the hoods,

Then they diversified,

Making candles, that read "PRIDE",

Now they put "PRIDE" on all candles, as a symbol of their goods.

THE BEARS CAME OUT FOR THE BOW

Out in the woods lived two bears named Earl and Roy,

They sometimes ate acorns, but fed on mostly soy,

One day, from their cabin they came out,

And gave the world a shout,

For above them was a rainbow, that brought their bear bods joy.

LIFE IN THE WOODS

A woody was pecking a hole in my door,

A rat was gnawing up through my vinyl floor,

Then a buck and a doe,

Smashed through my window,

Next came the lion that ate me; now I'm sore.

ZOMBIE CAMP

There are lots of zombies living out on backwoods streets,

Waiting for tourist, seasonal treats,

So come stay a spell,

Where the real zombies dwell,

Free camping, if you bring someone for eats.

"COME ALONG FOR THE EATS"

I WINTER IN MICHIGAN LIMERICK

In winter out in Michigan's deep pine woods,
I've lived mostly on canned beans and a lot of dry goods,
I've lived in just shacks and old trailers,
With secondhand shops for tailors,
And, ate deserts of dried berries and puds.

THE RUBBER DUCK FESTIVAL IN BELLAIRE

The festival of the rubber ducks,

It's not for the gobbles or the cluck, clucks,

It's just for quackers,

Down pillow packers,

On the menu, roast quackers, lacking lucks.

My Travel Journal's Final Entry

When they say Michigan has a lot of tourist traps they must have been talking about getting lost on the back roads. It's getting late and I'm lost out in the backwoods of Northern Michigan.  Luckily, I see an old dirt two-track heading up a heavily wooded hill.  There's bound to be some friendly folks at the end of it who will give me directions back to the main road.  The sun is going down, so I have to take a chance and really, I don't have anything to lose.