MOST TIMES, IT'S IN OUR STARS

Ricky drove a pallet jack, unloading dish soap off a truck,

Seven long years of college, and Ricky's life did truly suck,

Owed 90 thou in college debt,

Left his wife, he did regret,

The only chance that Ricky has, is blackjack and lady luck.

DINNER WINE FOR CRAWDADS

Larry had a rhubarb farm, and made cherry-rhubarb wine,

His wine tasted really good, if on crawdads you did dine,

It never tasted good with a stake,

And made some vomit, with meatloaf bake,

But, if you stuck to eating crawdads, everything was fine.

THE WEALTHY CASHIER

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store,

Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door,

They said Betty was not too bright,

Her drawer short hundreds, each night,

But, Betty bought a Mercedes Benz, so she wasn't poor.

THE DRESS CODE BLUES

Couldn't afford dress pants, for the work dance,

At the office, in sweat pants I'd prance, 

My boss called me a slob,

Removed me from my job,

I now inspect cheese wheels in France.

NANA PSYCHOLOGY

My landline,  nanna left off the hook,

My cellphone, my mean nanna had took,

I sat all alone,

With no friends on the phone,

And, decided to read my school book. 

FINGER LICKING GOOD, FROM THE HEN HOUSE

I went to Newberry Town to buy some canned chicken,

They didn't have any there, for the price I was pickin',

I went out to my hen house,

All I found was a dead mouse,

Still, fried up in bacon grease, made that mouse finger lickin'.

CYRUS

Cyrus was the master of training productive pigs,

Cyrus trained pigs to replace people, driving big rigs,

Cyrus made enough money,

To marry his honey,

Cyrus now lives a life without good porn, booze or cigs.

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NEWTS, PETS OR FOOD?

I decided to get me some newts,

They taste really good with mixed fruits,

And, they make a nice pet,

Although, I ain't found one yet,

That doesn't poop in my suits.

I EAT OUT, IN MY CAR

I was sitting in my car,

Eating quail eggs from a jar,

Usually, I'd be eating chips,

But my blue jeans, won't hold my hips,

I'm now on a protein diet, and gained 12 lbs, so far.

AI GOT ME FIRED

Thanks to the tool called "AI",

I'm now an unemployed guy,

I lost my home and my car,

My hubby and guitar,

And my wine bottles, are empty and dry.

MY JAIL TALE

J lost my little star earing, when they put me in jail,

I spent two weeks picking cans up, and I still couldn't make bail,

So there I sat,

Where someone had spat,

Eating beans and rice, instead of tofu and kale.

MY MEALS ARE UNMEMORABLE

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters,

Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters,

My food is such a bore,

It's from the liquor store,

It's always the same, gin and bitters.

THE GOOD EARTH IS FLAT?

If our planet is flat like a board,

One could reap a substantial reward,

For a vacation that's cheap,

One just digs extra deep,

It beats driving all day in mom's Ford.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY THIS FALL

My summer came to a fast crashing end,

I was caught in a tornado, and its rapid spin wind,

I was picked up in the air,

Pigs flew everywhere,

I woke in a distillery, my brain was so ginned .

BERNARD: I SMELL A LOVE STORY

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited,

But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited,

His love called him a sleaze,

Said he smelled like fart cheese,

Bernard took a shower, so one fault could be righted.   

THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

I GOT MY LICENCE, SO I'M NOT ON THE BOTTOM

My driver's licence has been renewed,

Without it, I would have been subdued,

I'd be held tight to the bottom,

When the road cops yelled, "we've got 'em",

In jail I'd be a boohoo sad, dude.

PSYCHOPATH RUINED MY LIFE

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class,

Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass,

Dad says college is done,

Because I had too much fun,

I'll grow old at his market, selling groceries and gas.

SNAKES MIGHT SQUIRM, BUT THEY AIN'T NO WORM

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard,

I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard,

It was for me, awful bad breaks,

The worms were small rattlesnakes,

At the hospital, I got a toe tag I.D. card.

DANGEROUS JOURNEYS

Although I got electrocuted when I gave them just a touch,

My jumper cables did not jump my battery, very

much,

So I was stranded on the road,

Laying in electrocuted mode,

Then a big rig went whizzing by, and he did not engage his clutch.

THE TURTLE, NORM AND ME

I was a ship captain and, my ship sank out on the sea,

The only two survivors were my parrot Norm, and me,

We swam to a deserted island spot,

That is as far as we ever got,

A sea turtle became our friend, and there we lived, all three.

MY RADIATOR DIED, THEN I WENT TO THE HOUSE OF HORRORS

As to my radiator that died on the road,

I won't write a soliloquy, or even an ode,

Although I was demanding,

I didn't deserve stranding,

I was picked up by a stranger, and got Edgar Allen Poed.

THIS ZOMBIE POEM KILLS

Seven brain hungry zombies followed me home,

I used a rock and cracked three of them in the dome,

I defeated three with a stick,

They don't move real quick

I destroyed the seventh one's brain, when I recited this poem.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE PERCH OF WINSTON CHURCH

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church,

Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch,

Benny left Winston food to eat,

Filled Winston's water, and left a treat,

Some days when Winston gets real board, he does a Google search.

SPELLS = OINTMENTS

I had a little basket of flowers, 

I thought they gave me supernatural powers,

But, when I made spells for some cash,

I got a contagious rash,

Now, I spread on ointments for hours.

HOMELESS AND LOOKING FOR A STABLE RELATIONSHIP

I'm due to make a house payment, but I've got a fun joke to play,

I'm not going to make the payment, by the scheduled payment day,

I felt real lucky, and of course,

Bet my payment on a quarter horse,

I will try to move into the stable, if the horse says I may.

THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK

AI has replaced my wealth building, good job,

The unemployed are my new mates, with whom I hobnob, 

I don't have a lot,

At the park, where I squat,

I pickup plastic for nickels, to eat canned corn off the cob.

THE BRAIN SCIENTIST OUTSMARTED ME

A famous brain scientist showed up, just outside of my homes front door,

The smarty wanted my brain tissues, 3-4 pounds, no a thing more,

I sold my tissue for a thousand bucks,

Then went looking for pickup trucks,

I couldn't afford one with an engine, should have sold my brains in a store.

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