A FLORIDA IN-LAW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

I drove down to Florida for Christmas, with my in-laws, the three, nasty bears,

They're my wife's parents, they can't stand me, and her grandma; at me, she really stares.

There was not very much, happy fun,

In-law dad, kept itching his back bun,

Grandma made a voodoo doll of me; stuck it with pins, and cursed me with nightmares.

SANTA'S TAINTED CHICKEN, CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE

I left a chicken sandwich out for Santa, but the chicken was tainted,

While driving, Santa's stomach started growling, and Santa almost fainted,

Santa made a few pit stops,

Calmed his gut with soda pops,

But, by the time Santa started back home, his seat cushion was brown painted.

BOURBON SAILING DID NOT END WELL FOR ME

My beautiful, brand new sailboat was seven meters long,

I named her after a punk band, The Seven Meters Song,

Because of bourbon and tea,

I was lost out on the sea,

And, ended up on the island where they worshiped King Kong.

TRINA GOES THRIFTING FOR CHRISTMAS

Trina wrapped a Christmas present for her nice mommy and her dear dad,

She bought the present at a thrift shop, because that is the latest fad,

The present was a 4 inch wide, Maine state flag,

Trina left on it, the $2.00 price tag,

Her folks want to visit Maine, but the cold climate is freezer burn bad.

GRANDPA BLOODSUCKER

My granddad was born in 1795,

I do not know how, but granddad is still alive,

He only comes out at night,

Disappears by first daylight,

They say he must drink fresh, human blood to survive.

SANTA'S SLEIGH CRUSHES TRAILER

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top,

I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop, 

Through the roof came Santa's red sleigh,

The deer followed down, all the way

My remains were cleaned up using a bucket and a mop.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

THE FAMILY OF FOOD

My ghee ran away with my beans,

They have been in love, since their teens,

I hope that it's true,

That they marry, too,

And, adopt some little sardines.

POX = DETOX

I came down with a case of severe pox,

I caught it from my new cereal box,

There's pox in all the stores,

In the ceilings and floors,

I feel so sick, like I did in detox.  

BOLOGNA

I only eat bologna, it's a nutritious, power food,

It could be made of pork and chicken, or some poor, homeless dude,

It is an old, secret recipe,

Keep quiet, or be an arrestee,

Bologna increases alpha-mones, and prolongs a romantic mood.

I'M AMPED AND MYSTIFIED

I have an amplified and mystified mind,

As I look up at the sky stars, twist and wind,

Stars live in the past,

Not a thing can last,

I see many ghost stars, because they once shined.

COURTING THE TINKER OVER A POT HOLE

I needed my pot fixed, so I could have some stew with my port,15

So, I went to see the great tinker; he was my dead, last resort,16

Tinker patched my holed pot,

Tinker charged me a lot,

When I refused to pay, the great tinker, took me to tinker pot court.17

I BLEW MY HORN AND NO ONE CAME

I played a trumpet solo at a theatre in Western Maine,

No audience showed up, so I felt intense, rejection pain,

The concert tickets were free,

If no one showed up, it's me,

What's more, there is a raging snowstorm, and I must catch a plane.

WALKING WHILE TALKING ABOUT OLD FRIENDS, AND A CHEW

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk,

Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,

I discuss the friends of my past,

Their little lives that did not last,

I like to hike past the cornfields, so I can chew kernels off a stalk,

PREMINITION

The world is full of a rag nasty, great gloom,

Everywhere I look, I see coming, my doom,

No sense in my trying,

I'll just end up crying,

On the horizon, morbid premonitions loom.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR FREE, WINTER MEAT

There was an enormous mule deer, digging in my front yard,

He was digging in ice and snow to eat my dead, Swiss chard,

I went and got my deer hunting gun,

He could feed my daughter and my son,

I shot, missed the deer, but hit my front tire really hard.

I WENT FOR A DRINK

Just for one dollar, I got my fingernails clipped,

Then in a grey, hand lotion, my fingers got dipped,

I felt nice and pretty,

I went to the city,

I sat in a bar, and a martini I sipped.

HE GOT DOXED

When Jim got contagious, and his body got to poxing,

Over the internets, his information was doxing,

He did not go roam,

He stayed in his home,

And, fought off intruders, because he trained in kickboxing.

DENNY ATE TOO MANY

Denny ate so many tomatoes, his mouth was full of canker sores,

He ate so many dried prunes, that every bowel movement, it pours,

He ate too many onions, as well,

Caused an armpit issue, you could tell,

Denny, who had too many, had a girth issue, getting through narrow doors.

NURSE POUCHIE

My little terrier, has a very kind, pouchIe brain,

He brings me my fluffy slippers, and drags to me my cane,

I lost my teeth to decay,

He chews all my food, hooray!

I depend on Pouchie; nurse care is so hard to obtain.