MY COMPUTER SCREEN PROBLEM

 My computer screen obscured my view,
Through the window in the door,
I moved my computer screen so my view was true,
Then, my screen crashed upon the floor.

DON'T BLOG BAD FACTS ABOUT SANTA

There were some bloggers on the net,

Who found some facts that many regret,

Regarding a violent Santa Claus,

Who got divorced for just cause,

Now, all Santa's fans are upset. 

MY CRANBERRY WINE HAS GONE BAD

My cranberry wine has gone bad,
It was never too good but it had...
A pungent aroma,
And, it could deliver a coma,
Overall, it wasn't too bad.

THE MAILMAN AND MY BIRTHDAY MONEY

My grandma said my birthday money was sent directly in the mail,
But, the mailman confessed to stealing it now, he's locked up in the jail,
But, without grandma's money,
My birthday's not sunny,
And, I have no Xbox to play after this tale.

A SWAMP LIZARD NAMED IKE

There was a swamp lizard named Ike,
He hated all those on a bike,
They’d run over his tail,
That made poor Ike Wail,
Now on Thursday he visits his psych.

THE ICE FESTIVAL DID NOT GO WELL

The "Ice Festival" did not go well this year,
I fell through the ice and spilled a whole pint of beer,
The water was ice cold,
And, I'm just getting too old,
I'd prefer "Summerfest" 12 months of the year.

YETTI SPAGHETTI MEATBALLS: A MICHIGAN RECEIPE

Danny Dill was a real restaurateur,
He had found an angle; a meat lover’s lure,
Danny Dill hunted the Michigan Yetti,
Then, made Yetti meatballs for his spaghetti,
To Yetti clans Danny Dill was a Cur.

I WAS WATCHING THE NORTHERN STAR

I was watching the northern star,
Unfortunately, I was driving my car,
I hit some black ice,
My car spun round thrice,
I ended up in the same lane at par.

IT'S THE TIME OF THE YEAR...

It's the time of the year when Santa goes "Ho,Ho",
It's also the time when my snow-blower won't blow,
I'm stuck in the house,
With the kids, dog and, spouse,
I'm just hoping that Santa will show.

THE WALNUT SILLY RHYME

My eyes grew tired,
My eyes went shut,
My shell was cracked,
I am a walnut,

I have no eyes,
At least none to see,
I'm a tasty treat,
Oh, woe is me.

BIG BUCK DEER HUNTING-HAIKU

Big buck deer hunting,
Cold, wet, slimy stumps, nose runs,
No see, no shoot, DRAT!

AN ELECTION OR TRICK OR TREAT

An election is like questioning Trick or Treat,

Maybe none of the candy is fit to eat,

And, no matter which kind you pick,

Chances are you'll get sick,

Fancy wrappers are covered with deceit. 

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Well, today we've gained an extra hour,

That gives us time for all to shower,

So, relaxed starts the day,

Cause, Daylight Savings Time's gone away,

And, the extra sleep gives us each super power.

 

FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE ALL IN THE TANK

Financial markets are all in the tank,
We have all those fraudsters to thank,
Of course, I'm not too bold,
I sold off and bought gold,
And, burned through all my cash in the bank.

MY FISH WENT FLYING

I put my fish up for sale,
While it was still flopping around in the pail,
But, I didn't get a buyer,
Just one very high flyer,
An eagle stole my fish by the tail,

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Fly Biter was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

MY ROSES WERE NOT SO TOUGH

Although they survived the summer covered with blight,
I'm afraid all my roses got frozen last night,
I was so sure they were tough,
And, would survive the weather when rough,
 But, my roses gave up to the cold with no fight.

THE LIMERICK OF THE NASTY TWEETER

When Ron reads tweets about him he gets really mad,
Because, the tweeters who tweet about him tweet him really bad,
But, Ron tweets tweets all the day,
And, has nasty things to say,
If Ron would stop tweeting so much I'd be glad.

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

DRIED BLUEGILL FONDUE

I caught some fish with gills of blue,
I dried and dipped them in fondue,
But, they caused many moans,
Because they were full of bones,
And, their insides were all goo.

THE MUFFLER (FROM RUST TO DUST)

While in my car I heard the worst darn sound,
When my muffler fell and hit the ground,
My muffler had melted to rust,
And, was now mostly just dust,
At least that's all that I found.

GETTING A CLEAR TV SIGNAL

My cable picture is pixeled,

My dish picture's all haze,                

My antennae big booster,          

Boosted my TV with a blaze,

Now, after all of my trouble,

My house lies out in burnt rubble,

It’s a reality show that my neighbors may gaze.

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because, of hot apps downloaded in May.

WHAT'S UNDER THE DOCK?

I went to pull in my boat dock,
I didn't need it cause my boat was in hock,
But, upon wading into the water,
My right foot grew painfully hotter,
For a shark had bit my foot off and sock.

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or, when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.

A HALLOWEEN TREAT IN AUGUST

It was an August drought and the earth was frying,
All around my home the plants were dying,
Then, under my bed I found a treat,
A Halloween candy was there to eat,
It was still sweet after ten months lying.

LAWN NEEDLES AND LOVERS OF PAIN

It rained on the lawn but it didn't do much good,
The grass was so dry that like hard needles it stood,
So, to walk on with bare feet,
Means you find pain a treat,
And, would walk on fire ants if you could.

THE TOOL SHED, TRAILER AND FIRE

In the back tool shed the generator ran,
To keep going my trailer's air conditioner and fan,
But, due to a fault in a wire,
My tool shed caught fire,
Now, my trailer is just an old hot tin can.

THE DROUGHT SURVIVALIST

All my tomato plants died in the drought,
As did the rest of my garden which made a drought rout,
So, with no veggies to eat,
I'll rely now on meat,
And, the crick has gone dry so no trout.

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.

BOWLING FOR BEERS AND ROMANCE

My buds and I went romance trolling,
To places that had cold beers and bowling,
But, after ten gutter balls,
And, getting embarrassing cat calls,
Towards home alone I went strolling.

A DAY ON THE LAWN

My riding mower got stuck in a rut,
My push mower wouldn't even put-put,
 My weed whacker rolled over with a wheeze,
The only thing it whacked were my arthritic knees.

I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

DON'T BLOG BAD FACTS ABOUT SANTA

There were some bloggers on the net,

Who found some facts that many regret,

Regarding a violent Santa Claus,

Who got divorced for just cause,

Now, all Santa's fans are upset. 

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE CAR

Tinkle, tinkle little car,
Your oil leaks on the road tar,
Your radiator too,
Is leaking green-blue,
I don't think you'll go very far.

LIVESTOCK AND HEMLOCK

Jim raised cattle in the town of Hemlock,
Yet, the town's name don't sound friendly for stock,
For the main plant found round there,
Ain't corn, apple or pear,
But, the stopper of the chest thumping tick-toc.

BEING DIFFERENT ON THE BOTTOM

My little pontoon boat has sprung a big leak,
So, in seaweed on the lake bottom a refuge I seek,
And, all the fish way down there,
Give me such a real nasty stare,
That, I feel like a fish they label a "freak."

MY RICE WITH NO PUDDING

My rice pudding was all pudding free,

For only the rice was affordable to me,

But, maybe next year,

I'll spend far less on beer,

Then, there will be pudding and rice, maybe tea.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

THE DRY NOODLE LIMERICK

Jim's noodles were so very dry,
They cracked his teeth oh my, oh my,
And, Jim's teeth were brand new,
So, the noodle maker he'll sue,
Jim wins if in the courtroom he'll cry.

THE RAT THAT ESCAPED FROM HIS CAGE

My pet rat has escaped from his cage,
His imprisonment has filled him with rage,
So, I dare not linger,
Lest I loose a toe or a finger,
For a war I fear he may wage.

A LIMERICK WITH NO MEANING BUT, IT RHYMES

Recces Roy set cans on fire,
They were garbage cans full of plastic wire,
He got away and then found,
The plastic wire underground,
Such groups signal a future that's dire.

FIRECRACKERS CAUSED MY EATING DISORDER

Firecrackers were so very loud last night,
They frightened my kitty and made him bite,
The crackers caused me ear pain,
And, most likely weight gain,
Because eating makes the crackers sound right.

I FISH FOR FOOTWEAR

I went out trolling and caught me a boot,
It fit well so I trolled for a suit,
Now, all I caught was a shoe,
But, it was red, white and blue,
So, I gave it a naval salute.

I BAN GETTING TAN

My tan lotion didn't make me real tan,
Instead, I turned red like tomatoes in a can,
Then, my skin peeled and peeled,
Until, I finally healed,
Now, sunbathing is an activity I ban.

THE BIRD BRAIN

A bird was flying right at me,
I wondered what it was,
It's identity was not important,
I just wondered just because,

I guessed it was a blue jay,
Then, I guessed it was a sparrow,
Then, I guessed it was a raven,
Then, I was struck down by the arrow.

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption, so at the end I won't whine.

THE PRICE OF VANITY (A LIMERICK)

I hung my own picture on the wall,
It fell on my wood stove and that's not all,
After my nighttime retire,
My picture caught fire,
Now, I live on a bench in the mall.

IT SNOWED ON MY FOURTH OF JULY COOKOUT

It snowed on my Fourth of July cookout,
So, I had to order some Fourth of July took-out,
But, even with a downpour,
The fireworks would soar,
And, from inside we stood and would lookout.

I STEPPED ON A TOAD AND HAD A BAD HAIR DAY

When I walked through the forest grim,
I stepped on a toad and squashed poor him,
But, he was a barber toad,
Who felt revenge he was owed,
So, he gave my hair a bad trim.

MY BOARD GAME WINNINGS

While playing a board game that had a pair of red dice,
I noticed my opponent was scratching head lice,
I won that board game,
But, my win was so lame,
For my itchy skull was no prize but, a price.

RANDY HAD A LITTLE RASH

Randy had a little rash,
He cleared it up but, it cost some cash,
So, he took a job in a sewer,
Which was such a peuwer,
He covered his face with a sash.

COW'S MILK IN THE CITY

I went outside to find a cow,
I needed milk to feed my meow,
But, there were no cows in my city,
Some said I was dim-witty,
So, for market milk I'll settle for now.

I BEAT MY DOOR WITH A ROCK

My dorm room door I beat down with a rock,
Because my roommates had changed the lock,
And, after that date,
I knew how'd I rate,
So, I put all their electronics in hock.

THEY CALL ME A TROLL

I love getting reactions when with words I deceive,

By making comments online that I don't believe,

Now, without regard for my soul,

I've been labeled a troll,

By those whom I conclude are naive.  (Or, maybe not.) 

THE HOW DO I VOTE LIMERICK

In the election I don't know how to vote,
All the politicians just seem so remote,
I guess I'll vote for the best dancers,
Maybe they'll have the best answers,
I'd vote for bakers but, they all sugarcoat.

THE WORD "ARITHMETIC" STARTS WITH AN "A" LIMERICK

"Arithmetic" starts with an "A",
With such a good letter I should've had a good day,
But, what would it be?
On my math test was an "E",
So, in 1st grade I guess I will stay.

MY HOUND DOG BIT MY FACE OFF

My dog bit my face off and it was not pleasant,
He can't see too well and thought I a pheasant,
I don't blame him too much,
And, my face needed a touch,
Now, I don't look just like another peasant.

I SHUCKED A PEANUT

I shucked a peanut and no nut was there,
It was a great disappointment that I could not bare,
So, I shucked another,
It had no nut like it's brother,
Then, I started pulling out handfuls of my hair.

THE ROTTEN FISH IN A BAG LIMERICK

My dog Jim found a fish in an old paper bag,
It smelled bad but Jim's tail did a vigorous wag,
It did not me take much of a study,
To see Jim had a new little buddy,
A buddy that just made me gag.

THE FIRE DANGER LIMERICK

I started a bonfire on Memorial Day,
The forest caught fire and I was blamed right away,
But, I told them I bet,
It was a cigarette,
For I let some lit ones go astray.

STAR SHIPS, SKYSCRAPERS AND BUILDING CODES

Randy built skyscrapers way up in the sky,
He built them way up where star ships would fly,
But, it really is sad,
How things went so bad,
Randy was ticketed for being too high.

THE TAXES PAST DUE LIMERICK

My taxes are past due,
Now, I'm in deep stew,
And, I'm feeling blue,
There's no one to sue,
My accountant, to the Cayman Islands he flew.

I BROKE MY TEABAG

My teabag breaks and spoils my drink,
I don't drink my tea so, all day I couldn't think,
I did try a Coke,
But, the Coke bottle broke,
When it went down the disposal in the sink.

IT SNOWED AND FROZE MY PICKLE BUDS

It snowed and froze my pickle buds,
Now my pickle blossoms are just cruds,
And, it's so late in the season,
This cold spring is a treason,
I'll feel better when I crack open some suds.

THE MICROWAVE DISH MALFUNCTION

My microwave dish today did not please,
For it melted and mixed with my cheddar cheese,
And, it was without any pleasure,
Disposing of my cheddar treasure,
And, that bright golden cheddar did tease.

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME I COULD BE PRESIDENT

My psychic told me I could be president,
So off to the primaries I gleefully went,
But, when I got there,
They made fun of my hair,
I guess my hair didn't quite fit their tent.

OLD SNOOK CUT DOWN MY APPLE TREE

Old Snook cut down my apple tree,
I told Old Snook to leave it be,
But, Snook needed a thrill,
Because dry was his still,
And, he blamed his lost liquor on me.

PICK LOW EXPECTATOINS

It's best to be not very bright,
Or, you'll get calls all day and night,
But, stupid brains they get to rest,
Low expectations,
So, none will pest.

THE FOOD CHAIN IN MY HOME

Although I warned him it was not suppy,
My swordfish ate my baby guppy,
Then, my swordfish just smiled,
He was a pernicious child,
So, I fed my swordfish to my sweet puppy.

SPROUT PRIDE AND THE RABBIT

I was proud of my little bean sprouts,
On media I bragged with my touts,
Then, along came a rabbit,
With a bean sprout eating habit,
Now, my touts are all met with real doubts.

I TIME MACHINED BACK TO THE OLD WEST I

I took my time machine back to the Old West,
Where I heard the living was the best,
But, a scorpion sting,
Made my tenor voice sing,
Then, I fell into a rattlesnake nest.

JIM'S MORTGAGE WAS SINK OR SWIM

With Jim's mortgage it was sink or swim,

In choices the banks gave no other,

So, Jim chose the choice easiest for him,

He moved in with his mother. 

IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

We are all made up of blood and guts,
And things that make nasty puddles,
But, hair and skin,
No matter how thin,
Makes it OK when the nasty stuff cuddles.

SANTA WENT OUT ON THIN ICE

Santa went out on the ice on the bay,
Chasing a reindeer that had just run away,
But, the ice wasn't good,
Where the heavy elf stood,
He said "Ho, Ho," as he went under that day.

BY MY HOUSE ON A HILL WAS A TREE

By my house on a hill was a tree,
I cut the tree down but, I should have left the tree be,
For, the tree held up the hill,
My house made a topple-down spill,
And, I was buried beneath the hill, house and tree.

I GET LOW ON CASH EVERY TIME THE MARKETS CRASH

I get very low on cashes,
Every time the market crashes,
It seems I just buy a stock,
Then, within a tic-toc,
I feel the bite of regret lashes.

THE TAX JINGLE

Bill had to see a tax-attorney,
Or, to the federal prison journey,
But, his taxes still were far out of sight,
So, Bill left on the next international flight.

THE DOCTOR'S BILL

Sydney was such a pill,
He couldn't remember to pay his doctor's bill,
Through his mental disturbance,
He caused much perturbance,
Now, he has a room with no window or sill.

I SHOT MY SLINGSHOT STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air,
My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there,
The shot fell from up there so far,
Through the windshield of my car,
Now, my slingshot has brought me despair.

IGNORING ONLINE VERBAL MEANIES LIMERICK

So many people are bitter,

When they make pronouncements on twitter,

But, Rose tweets all day long,

And, relies on her bong,  

To ignore the verbal meanies who hit her.

A RARE-BOURBON OR A BUCK AND A QUARTER FOR BEER

Passionate Pete Porter
Was a rare-bourbon snorter,
But, one day he tried beer,
Then, his new passion was clear,
And, each glass cost just a buck and a quarter.

MOLLY MELANCHOLY FOUND A CAREER

Molly was so melancholy,
She went to funerals to feel jolly,
And, at the service where others would mourn,
She'd crack a soda and eat popcorn,

While other girls at night would roam,
Molly spent her nights at the funeral home,
Molly so much loved the death tradition,
Molly studied and became the town mortician.

MY LIFE NEXT TO A CHEMICAL PLANT

The well water from my tap looks really funny,
It's brown and gooey and not very runny,
Now, it might be caused by the chemical plant next door,
And, what they were dumping the night before,

But, at least it's easier to breathe the air,
For what they dumped on the ground was not burned in their care,
And, at least in part it was answered; my healthy environment prayer,
 For only in part do I have a toxic chemical scare.

WHEN I WENT TO SEE THE BEARS

When I was a little boy I would beg my parents to take me to see the bears.  So, my parents would drive out to the garbage dump and there we'd watch the black bears; the big ones, the little ones and all the in-betweens.  The bears rummaged through all the waste on the ground as they stirred up an airborne sea of flies.  The stench made me sick to my stomach but, the bears didn’t seem to mind as they dug their noses deep into the heaps of stinking cans, papers and broken dishes.  And, they turned over with their great paws old shredded tires, looking for their dinner.  

We’d watch the bears from the car until it started to get dark.  By that time there were a lot of bears mulling around the dump and they were getting closer and closer to the car.  Then, when the light was really dim, we drove up the dirt road to the main road leaving the bears to continue hunting for a meal.  So, I got to see the bears.  I was a very spoiled little boy.

THE WIND BLOWS AND BLOWS AND BLOWS LIMERICK

The wind blows and blows and blows,
My trailer's roof into the sky it goes,
Then, away went the doors,
The walls and the floors,
From the basement I numbered my woes.

MY TARGET BOW

I decided to try out my target bow,
I pulled back the string and let it go,
But, here's the thing,
When I let go of the string,
It snapped my fingers and that caused me great woe.

THE LOVES OF MISS TAM

My dear little lady Miss Tam,

Was the peanut butter that I thought went with my jam,

But, her first love was for another,

Namely, her overprotective mean mother,

Then, her next love was cabbage rolls full of ham.

THE JANUARY GRIZZLY BEAR THAW AND KNAW

During this last January thaw,

Out from the snow flailed a grizzly bear's claw,

So, I ran away,

Still am running today,

But, the grizzly will soon have me for a knaw.  

A COMPLETELY STUPID LIMERICK

While I was away fishing on a bridge,

A giant tuna robbed my fridge,

And, what was taken?

It was ten pounds of bacon,

The tuna fried my bacon on a high mountain ridge.

MY COW DRANK WATER FROM MICHIGAN'S FLINT RIVER LIMERICK

My cow wandered down to the Flint River to drink,

She took only one sip and then she turned bright pink,

Now, she no longer gives milk,

But, all day just spits silk,

It's the river water that caused this I think.

SOMEONE STOLE MY LUNCHBOX

I'm kind of a saver, clever fox,
Saving money by taking my lunch,
But, each day my lunchbox was stolen,
Along with my thermos full of punch,

I tried to protect my black lunch box,
And, I was not very vague,
I had written on it in red marker,
"BELONGS TO VICTIM OF BUBONIC PLAGUE,"

But, my lunchbox still went missing,
Along with my thermos full of punch,
Now, it's restaurant soup I am kissing,
And, my budget has suffered a crunch.

SALESMAN ON THE ROAD LIMERICK

To get up early every day,
And, write an itinerary by which to play,
It's a meaningless job,
For every Tom, Dick and Bob,
It's the life of a salesman gone away.

JIM'S BLING

Jim thought removing his bling would limit his power,
So, Jim cleaned his bling when he took a shower,
But, on one really hot water day,
Jim's bling melted away,
Now, Jim has decorated himself with a flower.

MY CIGAR AND BROWN SPOTTY BLIGHT LIMERICK

My cigar just would not light,
I left it out in the rain all night,
So, I threw it in the dryer,
Moved the heat setting higher,
Now, my cloths have a brown spotty blight.

OFFICE WORKER LIMERICK

Pam tapped her keyboard as she typed tippy tap,
Pam sucked down a soda as her earbuds boomed rap,
Pam worked in an office.
For a lawyer named Crawfice,
Pam filled out legal documents  with crap.

THE TURKEY IN MY SOUL

There is a turkey in my soul,
Because last Thanksgiving you see I stole,
At the Thanksgiving feast,
The wishbone of the beast,
And mom's sterling silver gravy bowl.