DEER, JAIL AND, MUSHROONS

I shot a deer that was too small,
But, the arresting officer, he stood tall,
Now, after six months in jail,
I'll get out my mushroom pail,
And, search for the elusive puffball.

THE QUILLS AND THRILLS OF JASON JOHN JR.

Jason John Jr. was a man seeking  great thrills,
Jason John Jr. was covered with porcupine quills,
He once bested a bear,
Gave a rhino a scare,
One touch and any beast runs for the hills. 

BAD NEIGHBORS

Someone stole my garden tools,

Methinks the culprits are my neighbor fools,

And, my outdoor chairs,

They've claimed them as theirs,

No one follows the good neighbor rules.

I'M NOT A REAL POET

"Things fall apart," the poet Yeats would divine,

When order turns to chaos, all poets for order pine,

That's why I'm not a poet,

I think anarchy is fine,

I do not talk of hunter birds,

With the rhyming of my words,

And,  I'll end up at Hades gate, 

Churned by worms, I'll fatten bait.

I SHOULD CHARGE ADMISSION, TO MY BEARD

I have a zoo living in my beard,

Animals both common, and also very weird,

There's a howl, a chirp and bark,

Roars like a Jurassic Park,

And there are the smells, which are nastier than what I heard.

MY NEIGHBOR'S CHICKEN OH GOOD GRIEF LIMERICK

My neighbor's chicken oh, good grief,

Got in my chicken and ate my beef,

Although two wrongs don't make right,

My food budget is tight,

So, roast chicken was my chosen relief.

 

GRANDMA AND THE FOUR BEARS

Four bears ate at grandpa's, but he was just a munch,

He was old and skinny and not a satisfying lunch,

But the bears found a winner,

When they ate grandma for dinner,

She was full of whiskey she had laced within her punch.

THE REEF AIR BEEF LIMERICK

Marshal went diving on a deep coral reef,

But, poor Marshal had a really big beef,

He became filled with despair,

Because he had no good air,

It's on his tombstone in a gold relief.
 

BONES UNDER STONES

I went out digging under a pile of stones,

And there I found some humanoid bones,

I was feeling kinda sad,

Something went stellar bad,

There was a long knife with brown, rusty tones,

I went back to my shack to swallow some beer,

To quell my shakes and pervert my fear,

There was a knock at the door,

It was that fella from the store,

He held a knife and I said, "oh dear",

He said he was a fulltime pickle diller, 

And a weekend serial killer,

Now I'm under the stones,

With those other old bones,

Giving worms a protein belly filler.

DAVE NEEDS BUG SPRAY, OR SOMETHING

Dave went and bought some used tights,

They were full of parasites,

On Dave's skin,

The sites dig in,

They squirm a little, then they bites.

JENNY LIKED TO SHOP WITH THRIFT-Limerick

Jenny liked to shop with great thrift,
She spent just a penny for a gift,
But, on gifts she received,
She really got peeved,
Under ten bucks she felt she was stiffed.

THE CANNIBAL LIKED BASIL AND DILL

There was a cannibal who lived on a hill,
He liked to eat peasants with basil and fresh dill,
Now he grew the basil from seed,
But stole the dill weed,
From the peasants' kitchen garden windowsill.

NIPPLE PIERCINGS TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON, LIMERICK

There was a king,

They called Bing Bing,

And here's the thing,

He liked to sing,

"My Ding-A-Ling,"

A nipple piercing,

Was his bling,

Shaped like a diamond ring,

To the past, he did cling,

Hence, he was right-right-wing,

THE PILLOW OF A BACKWOODSMAN

Robert the backwoodsman made his own pillow,
He stuffed it with leaves from an old weeping willow,
But, when he went to bed,
And laid down his head,
The crunching woke his common law wife, Jillo.

GOLD STAR DIRT, EXCEPT FOR BURT

They say we're all made of gold star dirt,

Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt,

For what within he has got,

Mostly resembles green snot,

And Burt's ex says Bert is a pervert.

REMEDY ROOMS

Todd had mushrooms growing on his ceiling,

Todd's mother asked what was Todd dealing,

She thought the mushrooms were worth stealing,

She hoped with muskrat, they'd taste appealing,

And give her ulcer some wood witch healing.