PHOENIX, BEANS AND JEANS

Phoenix is a great big pit bull, and he likes his navy beans,

I mix in a little meat, and about 1/2 cup of greens,

Phoenix sleeps in my kid's bed,

Phoenix farts, oh dread, oh dread,

If that isn't bad enough, Phoenix chews holes in all our jeans.

BAD LUCK UNCLE LEE

My Uncle Lee has been acting very weirdo, strange,

Ever since Uncle got that slight case of doggy mange,

He also caught a pox, 

While confined in detox,

He's also lost his savings, playing the stock exchange. 

BAD ECONOMY, CHEAP RENT AND THE NUTTER

The economy is in the sewer, not the gutter,

I sold all my golf clubs, including my office putter,

To have rent that's nearly free,

I moved in with Uncle Lee,

He is crazy; the exact definition of "nutter".

THE PLASTIC PLANT AUNT

I love my plastic, indoor palm tree plant,

I inherited it fro!m my dearest, sweet aunt,

It does not mind, colder or hotter,

It can stand the lacking of water,

Can it melt in the front window? It can't.

FOOD INSECURITY, ARE NICE WORDS THAT MEAN STARVATION

Because of severe economic, downturn inflation,

My family's food stores are all gone like a castration,

Gone are foods in cans and the jars,

Food I found in the seats of cars,

We're eating bark and grass, out of hunger, desperation.

RAT DANCING WITH PHIL THE PHILISTINE

My brother was truly, a philistine, so he liked to sleep outside,

He moved into the old chicken coup, with the chickens he could confide,

He didn't like culture, so much,

With family, not in touch,

My brother did come to my wedding, and danced the rat dance with my bride.

MY EX TOOK THE FURNITURE, AND FED MY CAT TO THE RAT

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat,

I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat,

My ex is so dog, gone lame,

The rental is in my name,

My ex owned the furniture, and took their stuff, oh drat!.

THEFT OF THE FLUTE

My favorite, little, straight flute, got pinched today,

Someone evil grabbed it, and ran quickly away,

It has a silver shine,

Smells like menthol and wine,

It toots soothing notes, when I relax by the bay.

I HAVE HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEET

I celebrated my birthday, but did not get a baked, cake treat,

The only present that I got, was some potion for my sore feet,

I rubbed on the magic potion,

It smelled like a dead fish ocean,

A miracle, my pain went away, now I'm dancing to the beat,

THE EVERYTHING SUCKS LIMERICK

My electricity is not steady, like before,

The lights flicker, and flutter, then they shine, never more,

I paid my complete bill,

But, the e-grid  is ill,

Like cloud high food prices, something is sick at some core.

YOU DON'T NEED A HEAD TO SELL LIFE INSURANCE

My life insurance salesman was clearly, very dead,

He showed up to my appointment, without any head,

I offered him coffee or tea,

He just hand patted his left knee,

I signed the contract, he made a sale with nothing said.

THE EYEBALL AND THE STRING BEANS

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low,

Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe,

I begged for some charity,

Was told nothing is for free,

For a three pound sack of string beans, I sold an eyeball, kidney and toe.

THE HOWLING HOOD HUNTER

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do,

Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new,

I will move out to the deep woods,

Where I can hunt Red Ridding Hoods,

Maybe I will learn to hunt some other Hoods, like yellow, green, black or blue.

TITILLATION AND INCARNATION

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait,

That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate,

My titles are "titillating",

The real read is "constipating",

AI can visit my sites, but I wish they laid off the hate.15

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

SCHOOL ROOM INSPECTION

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today,

We live in public, university housing, so we must obey,

They found our bean, bag chair,

Ordered it out of there,

Because it was a fire hazard, and smelled like soiled underwear.

WHERE THE LITTLE FOX PEES

Gordon has a big cardboard box,

Where he  keeps his little pet fox,

The fox has disease,

That spreads when he pees,

Gordon came down with a fox pox.

WARNING: NOT ALL BIRDS LAY EGGS

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats,

I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets,

The two birds, I did beg,

Didn't lay one single egg,

Then I see both birds are male, according to the receipts.

I WORK AT THE JERK

I finally got me some paying work,

I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk,

We serve only jerky,

In our sauce called, murky,

We serve just fowl, mainly chicken and turk.

I HAVE A COFFEE PROBLEM

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot,

It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make you snot,

So, I embraced my draining nose,

It dripped, then wet my frontal clothes,

I'll never sleep because I am hammered, from the caffeine that I got.

TWO FACED MONSTER WAS DOUBLE THE UGLY

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall,

It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall,

It broke down my hard, steel door,

It was a thing from the store,

The display creature, followed me home from the Bizarre Pet Mall.

HURRIED LUNCHBREAK

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry,

That is why I splashed on way too much curry,

I drank six beers, 

Shed sixty tears,

Then it was straight back to work, I did scurry.

THE FOG AND SMALL BOBBER, TROUT MYSTERY

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay,

That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today,

I fretted with brain wonder,

Had my bobber gone under,

Did a rainbow trout grab my leach, and scurry away.

TUMBLEWEEDING TODAY

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today,

The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay,

I tumbled past some fence wire, 

Into a blazing truck tire,

That's when I caught fire, and the wind blew me away.

IT'S DOOR DOWN COLD

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in,

I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can come to a win,

The best that I can do,

Still, freezing cold, boo hoo,

My apartment is much colder, than my refrigerators fresh, produce bin.