NO PAIN, NO STRAWBERRY GAIN

There was a big, silly gopher, named Terry,

He could not pass any red, ripe strawberry,

Terry would take a bite,

Which gave Terry delight,

But, being shot at by rock salt, was scary.

THE SUBURBAN LEGEND OF THE TURD

I have a thriving business, that sucks out your stinky, septic tank,

The sewage is for me, an investment in my money market, bank,

One day, there rose from a tank, dead,

A cold turd monster, some call Fred,

I smacked Fred hard on the head with my shovel, and down, the big turd sank.

WHAT DID GRANDMA SEND ME NOW?

I got a big, thick letter, and it was hard stamped, as postage due,

Sent to me by senile grandma, who lives in Kalamazoo,

A twenty-five dollar charge,

I decided, was too large,

I called grandma to see what was sent; it was my hair, at age two.

TO SURVIVE THE AI APOCALYPSE, YOU MUST GO SQUIRREL.

When AI takes over the entire, vast, financial world,

I will be alright, because of all the money that I've squirreled,

I've got a lot of money in the big bank,

Some in a bottle, in the septic tank,

There's money in my bunker;  upon that money, I'll be curled.

SPACE DOCTOR DDS

A Venus man came down from his hovering space craft, in the sky,

He told me he had chewy candies, and a spaceship I could fly,

I went to his ship,

Boy, what a rip,

I got an oral probe, and dental implants, and his prices were high.

WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS A CATHETER AND A DESKTOP?

My mother was a desktop computer, from old Maine,

My dad was a hospital catheter, from Tulane,

They did not make a fuss,

They got together on a bus,

I was born, a long tube, with a cybertronic, big brain.   

THE SAILBOAT GOAT

My friend, had a big, pretty yellow, sailboat,

It was pretty new, because it still could float,

We sailed one day,

Up to Saginaw Bay,

That's where my friend bought a boat mascot, a goat.

SAND BEACH SUMMER PARK AND THE DRAGON

A dragon walked into the Sand Beach Summer Park,

He chewed on the visitors, until it got dark,

As the last person got chewed,

The dragon didn't see more food,

He meandered to the woods, to gnaw on some bark.

TUNA BREATH LIVES ALONE

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell,

His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell,

My buddy's breath makes eyes squint,

But, he won't intake a mint,

His roomies kicked him out, and at my place, he will not dwell.

GETTING SCREWED, AFTER TOOTH DECAY

Bobby's big, molar tooth, decayed away,

Lasts little bits spit out, one summer day,

He'll get one more,

At the dental store,

It'll be screwed in, a permanent stay.

TRINA STEALS OUR MUSHROOMS

I fried up some fresh picked mushrooms, with onions, in bacon grease,

All knew, if they ate a few rooms, their psyche would be at peace,

Then little Trina came along,

She did all of us, a big wrong,

Trina grabbed the pan of rooms, and ran; our anger will not cease.

MY BROTHER IS A COMPETITOR, PREDATOR, FOR FOOD.

I would be happy, eating many more good meals,

But, my older brother, he sees food, then he steals,

I store food in plastic bags,

Then slap on ownership tags,

My big brother, does not care, he does what he feels.

Predator.  

I INCUBATE THE EGGS, FOR THOSE THAT HAVE BUG LEGS

It was mid-July, and the horizon star drowned, and bugs came out to deep bite,

They started biting my toes, and ended in my hair; that is my entire height, 

I bathed in a bug killer spray,

The carnivores stayed, anyway, 

The bugs kept chewing, deep into my skin; they laid their eggs, and no, I'm not right.

THE BIRTHDAY THAT WAS NOT, FUN

Today, I lived through my 5th birthday, and no one brought me a cake,

No one brought me chicken, either to fry, or toast, or oven bake,

Can't I get an exciting toy,

The hula hoop, was so plain, soy,

I'll only get a few birthdays, before my aging bones all break.