SPAWN, THE LIMERICK

Seven big, pretty salmon swam up the Betsy River,

Each salmon carried a package they had to deliver,

If each one gets their wish,

They will make baby fish,

Adding another DNA arrow to their quiver.

I CAUGHT IT FROM A BEAVER

I had case of dengue fever, but methinks it went away,

I caught it from a beaver, I kissed, while boating on the bay,

Catching it was one bad folly,

It made me feel melancholy,

Anytime you catch the dengue fever, you will rue on that day.

THE BALLAD OF MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK .

Arnie had a pet woodchuck,
His name was Mr. Tim,
Mr. Tim liked to play all day,
Upon his jungle gym,

Mr. Tim ate beef jerky,
Sometimes he’d eat pot pie,
On holidays he would eat turkey,
Served with mayonnaise on rye,

Mr. Tim was an odd woodchuck,
Because he never tried to chuck wood,
Mr. Tim never had to earn a buck,
Because his owner treated him good.

UNPLANNED RAVE

Everyone was excited, when Sasha came back to our small town,

They knew there'd be a rave, all invited, every name and noun,

All danced through the night,

By morning, they were tight,

But there were no public restrooms, so the ground had turned light brown.

UNCLE PETE AND HIS HUNTER GATHERER TRAIL MIX

I tried some some trail mix, but it was not any good,

It was made up of ground pinecones, and splinters of wood,

But old Uncle Pete,

He was crazy, and he eat,

Pete was never a looker, but his tombstone looked good.

CRAZY ON A TRAIN

As I traveled on a slow travel train,

I was tied down with a thick, heavy chain,

They said I had monkey brain,

In short, I was quite insane,

Then in pops Santa, sucking candy cane.

I CHIPPED A FRONT TOOTH HAIKU

I Chipped A Front Tooth,
Friends, Questions, When? Where? How?, Fix?
Answers, Mind Business

NOTHING WILL PLEASE, QUITE LIKE SOME CHEESE

I went to the cheese factory to buy me cheese,

The prices were high and the displays a cheese tease,

So I had to buy,

Each favor to try,

I was allergic to goat cheese, it made me wheeze.

THE TALE OF BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I had a little goldfish named Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep,

He had a good full life, rounded by the sleep,

One day he ate a Pollywog,

From the stool of my pet dog,

Now my goldfish rests forever in the hole I dug real deep.

THE BIG ONE THAT FLIP FLOPPED AWAY

I had forty-one bluegill, but one got away,

He flipped, and he flopped himself back into the Bay,

I was really mad,

That gill done me bad,

He was the biggest one, I had caught all darn day.

I DON'T LIKE BEING GREASY LIKE GRACE

The butter spray exploded into my face,

Now I'm all greasy, like my kid sister, Grace,

She greased her hair,

And, eats like a bear,

I wish she would move out, and get her own place.

BAND KIDS ARE SNEAKY

I just ate some spoiled, real stringy string beans,

I bought them from band kids, who were in their mid-teens,

They need money for camp,

So they conned this old tramp,

I gave them dollars, so there went all of my greens.

I'M HUNGRY ENOUGH TO BITE A TIGER ON HIS TAIL

Tiger, Tiger I'm really mad at you tonight,

You ate my few taters, and my small piece of trite,

Skinny me has no dinner,

I can't grow much thinner,

Best stay away from me, I'm hungry and I'll bite.

IF I TAKE THE BAIT, WHAT THEN MY FATE

Out in the road a $100 bill has laid, waiting for some quick feet,

I'd like to go and grab it, but I'm sure a policeman I will meet,

They are always watching me,

And set traps consistently, 

Then for $100 dollars, I'll stay at the county lockup retreat.

BULGING BUNS: BOB AND HIS DESK JOB

Bob had a desk job in his chair he would stay,
But, a big problem arose one terrible day,
Bob couldn't walk through a door because his rear was so wide,
In order to pass through Bob had to turn to his side,

In order to shrink his enormous rear,
Bob had to stop consuming his baked beans and beer,
So, Bob changed his diet and shed many a tear,
After consuming just salads for a whole year,

Bob's buns became buff and the chicks called him dear,
But, re-bulging buns will make Bob live in fear.

THE CREATURES I LOVE

I had a hen that laid 46 eggs,

I had a bug that had 46 legs,

I had a fish with one flipper,

It was a strange dipsy dipper,

For bologna, my dog sits up and begs.

DIDN'T CRY FOR THE DINOSAURS, THEY WERE ALREADY GONE

A bit less than a hundred million years ago,

Dinosaurs hatched out from eggs, and boy did they grow,

Then when dinosaurs all died,

The moon and the sun, both cried,

People didn't exist, so no noses to blow.

THE AGE OF CLOCKS AND TRAINS

I Yearn for the age of clocks and trains,
Where mechanics cluttered up our brains,
Now, I just push down on a button,
Tech has made my mind mutton,
Coplex thought gives my head spastic pains.

SEASONS FREEZE

When the winter cold, frostbites the frail bones,

And makes fingers ache, that tap on iPhones,

When a missed homeward ride,

Means a slow walk outside,

And one sleepless night of coughing and moans.

AI CHIPPED ME, AND CHIPPED ME GOOD

I got a computer chip stuck in my mid-finger,

So the boss can tell if I am working, or linger,

I just like to hide and unwind,

Now bill collectors, do me find,

And every nut knows, in the shower, I'm a singer.

JOHN, RON, DON, AND THE THE PORCELAIN MASTERPIECE

I went to the office and went to the John,

The porcelain was painted, I think it was Ron,

Ron just left a big mess,

Now he's chatting with Bess,

I called up the daytime janitor, poor Don.

BAD MAN + BAD AI = BAD OUTCOME

AI keeps changing my spelling, so the words get published all wrong,

Then I have to go to the pub, and listen to a sad country song,

AI has made me so depressed,

It's evil intent, I couldn't have guessed,

I wish AI was like my former wives, then I'd tell AI, "so long".

EPITAPH IN RHYME

I was eating some beans flavored with dill,

Drank a soda to wash down the bad swill,

I didn't know my cola,

Was laced with Ebola,

Then they buried me way far up the hill.

I GOT CABLE AT MR. D'S LAIR

I went to see Santa, but Santa refused to see me,

Because I was no good, I wouldn't get my HD tv,

But at Beelzebub's lair,

The big horned devil was there,

I got my HD tv and all the cable was free.

THE GOOD DOGGIE GOT THE BAD MAN

There was a man named Johnson, his favorite number was 666.

Johnson was so very mean, he hugged his love with 2 sharp ice picks,

One day Johnson sounded a 3 alarm,

When a dog named Patches, bit Johnson's arm,

Johnson tried to torment and tease the dog, when they played fetch the sticks.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

BANANAS ARE GUARANTEED TO PLEASE

A watermelon has a life of great ease,

But if you're a banana, you get the squeeze,

Your outside gets peeled,

Mashed innards revealed,

But your special taste is a guaranteed please.