GRANDPA, HIS RUG, AND MAY GRANDMA RIP

My grandpa once shot a big butt bear,

Gramps made a rug out of the bear hair,

He made a throw for the bed,

Even a wig for his head,

That gave grandma a heart attack scare.

BERNIE PULLED HIS SHOESTRINGS TIGHT

Bernie pulled his shoestrings left and right,
To make his tennies fit real tight,
He moved his belt up a notch,
Did the same with his watch,
Bernie turned blue, passed out, what a sight.

WOLVES AREN'T BAD, BUT THEIR TEETH MAKE ME SAD

The big bad wolf chased me across the football field,

He wanted to catch, and eat me, but I wouldn't yield,

I knew he would soon start to eat,

When I felt his breath on my feet,

Then his teeth pierced my throat, and so my fate was sealed.

WOE UNTO THE BEARS

There were three bears, not use to woeing,

They traveled in a tin boat, by rowing,

They came to some falls,

They made, "Help, Help", calls,

Alas, over those falls they were going.

SPEEDY AND THE THREE BEARS

Three bears took over my chicken coup, and boy were they greedy,

They ate all my chickens, except one real old hen, named Speedy,

With Speedy as the three bears pet,

They settled in, they were all set,

The bears all loved their pet; they were emotionally needy.

BEARS DO THE SILLIEST THINGS

Three bears, they went a sailing, out across the sea,

They were headed to Camp Grabbing with a load of Turkish tea,

When their boat popped a leak,

The bears knew they were up a creek,

So, they retired and took up whaling, in the state of Tennessee.  

BENNY FED HIS GUEST A BIG MEAL

Benny did not see the bear that entered through the door,

Benny did not hear the bear, because Benny made loud snore,

Benny was quite a deal,

At 300 lbs, he made a meal,

After the bear was feeling full, he took a nap on Benny's floor.

TIMMY TESTED OUT OF DRIVERS ED

Timmy's mommy told Timmy that he had to do his best,

That's why Timmy used a cheating note, when he took a test,

But, when he tested for the road,

He did encounter one big toad,

His note had no answer, and Timmy chose a dirt nap rest.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH SOCKS AND SHOES

My favorite teacher was Mr. Shoes, my least was Mrs. Socks,

Socks would always yell out at me, for watching the time telling clocks,

Mr. Shoes gave out candy, 

To all the kids, but Randy,

Randy had once searched out Mr. Shoes' car, and pelted it with rocks.

HECTOR PLAYED THE HARPSICHORD

Hector played the harpsichord,
He did not play well and was ignored,
But, the piano-forte,
He found he could play,
He played so well he was Knighted a Lord.

DRINK PARSNIPS, NOT

I had to make a post haste decline,

When I was offered some parsnip wine,

I'm willing to taste,

Wines made from toothpaste,

But vegetable wines cross the line.

TATERS, CHICKEN AND GRAVY

I whipped up for my pet chicken, some gravy,

We both ate lots of it, in the navy,

I got no taters to mash,

Because I ran out of cash,

So we had stale tater chips that were wavy.

PET YOUR FOOD PARK

I use to raise dinosaurs, and sold them to stores as food,

Then along comes this fella, says he's a dinosaur dude,

He said dinos are nice and smart,

That kind of stabbed me in the heart,

I changed the farm; made a petting zoo, a different mood.

THE DINOSAUR SCARED THE MONKEYS

When giant dinosaurs roamed around,

You could feel their big feet pound the ground,

When they let out their roar,

Monkey poop hit the floor,

It was a scary, ear hurting sound.

SAND FLEAS IN MY SANDBOX

I love to play in my sandbox but, my sandbox has sand fleas,

I've been chewed up by those fleas from my toes to my knees,

And, the fix is so grand, 

I have to replace all of the sand,

It's too much so, I'll just play in the trees.

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MICHIGAN YETI HAIKU

Michigan Yeti,
Fowl smelling, ill tempered too,
Careful, you are food.

THE HOUSE OF BEARS LIMERICK

 It was dark as I eased down the stairs,

It was scary as I looked out for bears,

I went to the fridge for a snack,

Then, the bears made their attack,

Now,  the food in my fridge is all theirs.

LEONARD EATS MAGNESIUM

Leonard loves magnesium and that's just what he eats,

But, when Leonard eats magnesium he soils his good sheets,

Leonard goes to the laundromat to wash away his soils,

But, then everyone else after him are left with Lenny's spoils,

Now, what if Leonard someday chooses to get married?

Well, perhaps Leonard's diet may have to be more varied,

And, in case anyone thinks that my story is too cruel,

Just remember that dear Leonard might be swimming in your pool. 

OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,

The souls of innocents he take,

He feeds on flesh and never cake,

Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,

A giant snapper bigger than a barn,

His tail is as long,

As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,

And, fishermen too,

Though many have seen him,

Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,

To Skegemog Lake,

Just to see if Old Skeggy,

Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,

Those who scoff in scoff tone,

Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,

From skin to the bone.

 

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

JULIE THE RATTLESNAKE LIMERICK

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs,
She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs,
She was once stuck in quicksand all the way,
But, the animals saved her on that day,
Then, Julie gave all the animals kisses and hugs.

WARTS AND PORK BACON

There was a wart, and it would not die,

It was growing on Lenny's left thigh,

The wart grew real big,

Then out hatched a pig,

Then Lenny had bacon to fry.

IT'S WARM UP IN JEB'S NOSE

There were some little creepy crawlers that lived between Jeb's toes,

When it got really cold out, some of the creepy crawlers froze,

They climbed clear up Jeb's legs, and back,

Then toward Jeb's face, they launched an attack,

And when the cold winds blew again, they warmed up in Jebies nose.

TROMBONE SUZIE

Trombone Suzie was in the college marching band,

Trombone Suzie marched across college football land,

When Trombone Suzie played,

Her school spirit was displayed,

On all social media, Suzie got fanned and fanned.

THE KILLER PUMPKIN AND THE MINNOWS

I saw a giant pumpkin, eating a fisherman, by the sea,

The fisherman had a minnow bucket, so I set the minnows free,

I decided to roast the pumpkin, thought it'd taste good with my tea,

But, all I had to flavor the pumpkin, was a half jar of suspect ghee,

I should of kept the minnows, because they might have been tasty. 

LAVA MONSTER HAIKU

LAVA MONSTER I
Lava monster roars,
Scares small children, big men,
Rock burns, cells make steam.

LAVA MONSTER II
Burnt feet, face, backside,
Hot, run, run from Earth’s orange blood,
Deadly, curious.

SQUIRREL PROOFED AND FREEZING

I squirrel proofed my bird feeder and made the squirrels mad,

They smashed up my solar panels, and smashed them up real bad,

Now I have no heat inside,

I'm freezing, but have my pride,

But, the birds shared the feed with the squirrels, that makes me sad.