THE COUGAR RHYME

There's this cougar in the dark, walking by the stream,

It's hunting me through pines with red bark, oh, nightmare be a dream,

Soon my heart stops it's beat,

As I become just fresh killed meat.

I WAS DEFEATED BY ZOMBIES

It was dark outside when the zombies came,

I held them back with a candle flame,

When the flame went out,

I had a scream and a shout,

Zombies ate my feet, now I walk real lame.

Cleaning One's Clock With A Dock Limerick

Barney traveled upriver in a fancy canoe,

He traveled real fast, because the canoe was brand new,

But he ran into a dock,

And that cleaned his clock,

The dock was damaged, and the owner did sue.

A RIB IN THE ROAST, BENNY'S READY TO POST

Before Benny writes his online post,

He has to have two eggs and toast,

A half pint of beer,

A shot of the Clear,

And, a rib in a very rare roast.

DON'T EVER SLEEP

When the world is oh, so scary,

Sleep becomes uncustomary,

For resting eyes, 

Bring on demise,

And, a permanent sleep in the cemetery.

JIMMY'S FAVORITE DISH

Jimmy's favorite dish is fresh northern toad,
If you think that's strange he eats it ala-mode,
He likes butterscotch ice cream
And, in keeping with his weird theme,
He likes his toad fresh scraped from the road.

I MADE BEER AND UNCLE DUKE LOST HIS MAYONNAISE

I tried making beer out of mayonnaise,

But it didn't make it past the taste testing phase,

My old uncle, Duke,

He started to puke,

The next day my mind was a haze.

A POX UPON ME

I'm afraid I have a pox,

It's name is a judge sentenced detox,

But, how can I mend,

My friends won't let me bend,

Besides, I must demonstrate to all my street mox.

BEDWETTER WHO HAD NO GIRLFRIEND

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp,

So, he sent me away to bandcamp,

I started dating this girl,

Till my bunkmates called me a squirrel,

Because I drank pop and my beding was damp.   

DON'T STICK A FORK IN A TOASTER

I stuck a fork in a toaster,

To get my toast unstuck,

It worked well when I stuck it in my roaster,

But, this time I was out of luck,

I got zapped and zapped off my feet,

And, landed in a box of sharp  things,

I tried moving my arms and felt them both beat,

Because they had become a pair of wings.

HIGH DOME GNOME POEM

Hey, little guy with the big, high dome,

I understand they call you a gnome,

I wish you'd leave and go home,

Instead around my garden, you roam,

I'm so bothered, I set you to poem.

GNOMES GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

I cannot get myself to write a poem,
That is sympathetic to a garden gnome,
Every gnome is so mean,
And, their cloths they don't clean,
After all day in the garden they roam.

THE RHYME OF FOODS WITH GARLIC

All food deserves a garlic dash,
It makes dull food vibrant and brash,
Food with garlic delights my taster,
And, garlic with butter is the ultimate baster,
Garlic makes no food a waster,
Sometimes I use garlic as a tooth-paster,

EVERY NINTH FISH IS ALWAYS A ZOMBIE

Every ninth fish is always a zombie,

So says my fishing bud Bob Abercrombie,

He says "it's not a surprise,

They have death in their eyes,"

I asked him which type he said, "Omni".

A WILD PIG STEALS MY PAPER

A wild pig steals my paper each day,🐗
What he does with it I really can’t say,
But, I don’t think it is funny,
Because it cost so much money,
He gets my paper and I still  have to pay.

THE BOND SELLING FELONY LIMERICK

Jim tried to make phone calls and do some bond sellin'
But, he ended up in prison and branded a felon,
And, although the bonds were not real,
Jim might get out on appeal,
At least that's what his attorney is tellin'...

BROTHER DOUG DID IT

I had no nails to nail my tree house boards,

So I tied them to branches with electric cords,

Then my brother Dog

Found an electrical plug,

The city is where the fire rages towards.

BABIES AND BABIES AND ZOMBIES, I DIED

The stork brought babies and babies,

My pet rat came down with the rabies,

My skin was all covered with scabies,

It was the darkest and darkest of days

A raccoon got into the henhouse,

My mommy ran off with my ex-spouse,

My kid went to jail; got a de-louse,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

My car ran over nails in the driveway,

I did not find out till the highway,

I spun off a bridge into a skyway,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I landed on rocks sticking up near the shoreline,

Sharks swam around me, waitng to fine dine,

My bones were all broke, I was not fine,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I closed my eyes and then I soon died,

Awoke in a world of zombies, and I couldn't hide,

They ate my face, my feet, and backside,

It was the darkest and darkest of days.

BABY, IT WAS MY DORKEST DAY

I heard a knock up on the door, and it was the Stork,

He gave me a baby that he said was named Cork,

I told him he had some nerve,

This baby was a curve,

Because I'm always alone, I'm a dork.

MY POGO-STICK AS TRANSPORTATION TO WORK

I quit driving my car for a pogo stick,
Yet, now I can't seem to get anywhere quick,
I can jump really high,
And, pretend I can fly,
But, my boss said  that he did not "give a lick."

MY DRAGON WAS A PICKY EATER

I use to have a dragon and all he'd eat was rice,

I tried to feed him noodles that I bought for half the price,

My dragon said the noodles were too oldie,

And, he'd get a bellyache if they were moldy, 

But one day, my dragon did eat potatoes with a side of french fried mice.

SAFETY FIRST: CHOCK YOUR TIRES

While offloading my pickup truck,

I did not chock my tires and had bad luck,

Because I didn't chock my tires,

The truck squashed me and my wires,

Now, absent my innards I can eat for a buck.

MY FROSTBITE WOE

Woe into me for I have frostbite, 

For I went there out with no gloves in the cold dead of night,

Then, I blew out one bad cough, 

And, all my fingers fell off,

Of course, they never were on very tight.

I WENT TO THE CIRCUS TO SEE DUNDER THE CLOWN

I went to the circus to see Dunder the clown,
But, Dunder had just got back from a night-on-the-town,
And, Dunder the clown star,
Smashed up the clown car,
Dunder's clown-smile was now a clown-frown. 

MAY

In May the seedlings upward sputter,

Above the bugs with wings, go flutter,

In the trees,

Peep open leaves,

On golf ball grass, I puts my putter.

MAY LIMERICK

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I till the place under if my tiller had tines.

BIGFOOT ATE MY BABIES AND MY MATE

A Bigfoot made a nest in the barn on my farm,

I did not believe it would cause any harm,

But when the Bigfoot eggs hatched out,

There were little Bigfoots all about,

When they ate the family that was cause for alarm.