THE COURT WANTS ALL MY GREEN

Four unpaid tickets and to jail I go,
When I get out?  I do not know,
The town court wants all my green,
While jobs I'm in-between,
When I get out, from town I'll blow.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.

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FROM MOSS TO SNOW TO GLOW

My trailer's room is covered with snow,
So, up there no more moss will grow,
Now, the whole thing's a toss,
I've got snow but no moss,
And, moonlight spanks my roof with a glow.

MUSIC IS MAKING ME SKINNY

The night is full of noisy loons,

Some play drums, the others, bassoons,

But, I heaved my crumpets,

When I heard the trumpets,

Their encore, lost me my macaroons. 

I CREATE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND MEAN

I love spreading conspiracy theories,

They scare both enemies and dearies,

"Spaceships invade,"

"There's a Bigfoot parade,"

Just say it, there's no need for queries

STACKS OF SNACKS PLAN, GOES AWRY

Jimbo liked his potato snack,

He bought them by the case to stack,

But, then one day,

A flood took them away,

Now, the snacks feed the critters that go "quack, quack".

MARY LOVED EATING CRAWDADS

Mary loved eating crawdads,

She found them in rivers under stumps,

But, if she ate too many crawdads,

Her hands swelled up with bumps,

When Mary ate lots of crawdads,

She became sweaty and quite wheezy,

Then, her throat would greatly swell up,

And, her food did not go down so easy,

So, Mary quit eating crawdads,

She now eats just tadpoles,

She figures whether it's amphibians or crustaceans,

Their flesh tastes great as does their souls.

THE ROAD BUMP HAIKU

Road bump, Muffler gone,
Loud noise, lights, police, ticket,
Expensive fix, broke.

BARRY HAD AN OCTOPUS

Barry had an octopus, he kept out in his ditch,

Every Sunday the puss would sing, it had near perfect pitch,

The puss sang in church choir,

Only two octaves higher,

The octopus was a pretty thing, and married Rev. Mitch.

FISHING FOR GIANTS

I was fishing for this giant fish, I named Mabel,

She was two times longer than my dinning room table,

I hooked her on line,

And, all was just fine,

Until, I was ate by her big brother, Clark Gable. 

PET FOOD

I had a pet pheasant named Manzy,

She laid eggs for my fry panzy,

When she found out what I did,

Her eggs she done hid,

But, roast pheasnt, I am big fanzy.

A TATER BUG LIMERICK OR TWO

The tater bug is quite the charmer,
Unless, you are a tater farmer,
Then you pickety pick,
Until you're tater bug sick,
Tater bug spotting is quite an alarmer.

Some eat tater bugs for lunch,
Or, they mash them up for cider punch,
But, I can conceive,
Of a tater bug heave,
And, when they come up they still have a crunch.

　

MY FLIPPED CRUISE SHIP TRIP DIP

I went sailing on a mighty cruise ship,
It hit a rock and started to tip,
The ship flipped and it dove,
Into the bottom it drove,
And, the passengers all took a dip.
 

MR. PURSE DRIVES A HEARSE

There was an old fella named Mr. Purse,
He worked every Tuesday driving a hearse,
He ran clear off the road,
Out the back went his load,
Seems old Purse had hit the reverse.

Mr. Purse drove a hearse for the dead,
From the parlor to the graveyard he tread,
He drove really bad,
Many accidents he had,
"It's good you only die once", people said.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped, and I’m still not alright.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

Because I have been a very bad boy,

My psychic predicts, no afterlife joy,

Mildew, fungi and molds,

My afterlife unfolds,

Just like how they found uncle Roy.

BEES IN THE BUNKER FREEZE BRAINS

I was down in the bunker, and was attacked by three bees,

One flew in my ear, the others attacked my weak knees,

I fell to the floor, 

And what is worse, more,

The bee bite in my ear gave me a brain freeze.

LEON THE TOAD GOT EVEN

Leon the toad, got bit by a big tick,

That made Leon the toad, incredibly sick,

The internet thought funny,

When Leon became runny,

So, Leon bought the internet, and made it die quick.

SPEEDY

It was often, almost never said,

That anyone worked as slow as our Fred,

He worked so slow,

Didn't start or go,

But he'd smile, when he drank and got fed.

I LOVED MY BIRDIE

I loved my birdie, more than I loved my mommy named Flo, 

Mommy left his cage door open, and out birdie did go,

He flew fast and away,

Where he went, I can't say,

I was so.mad at mommy, I told my daddy named Beau. 

A HARD, HARD GUMMY, IS NOT A GOOD YUMMY

It was partly in the local news,

That batch of gummies, no good for chews,

Gummies hard as steel,

Not tender like veal,

Why so hard? No one has clues.

THE SAD, BILLIONAIRE TOAD

Leon's rockets would almost always explode,

Because he didn't understand physics and weight load,

Many laughed and saw funny,

But Leon's eyeballs got runny,

People were mean to the billionaire toad.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS II

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars,
I think he spends too much time in bars,
He staggers home late at night,
Unable to gain flight,
Somehow, he isn’t hit by any cars. 

MY BAD ROOMMATES

I used to have some really decent digs,
Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs,
The bathroom was obscene,
Yet, they still were unclean,
And, from my gin bottle they took constant swigs.