RELAXING IN MY TINY, NEW HOME

I built a tiny blue house; it was way, way up on a hill,

I could afford only one window, and just one windowsill, 

I enjoyed my new hut,

I consumed a doughnut,

I watched YouTube, went to bed early, taking one purple pill.

SETTING JIMMY FREE

Jimmy the itty, bitty lizard is so sad, you see,

He lives alone in my restored, antique cabinetry,

He eats spiders and fruit flies,

Turns them into white, poop pies

I should take Jimmy outside, and toss him into a tree.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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MY HOLIDAY ECONOMIC COLLASPE

I cannot afford Halloween candy,

I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy,

Thanksgiving?  I won't eat,

Can't afford bread or meat,

My economy, it's sure a dandy.

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

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MY HOUSE PLANTS, THE POTTED DEAD

I water and water all my house plants, but they all seem to die,

With all the tap water I give them, they're sop and wet, never dry,

My cousin, who is my wiser,

Said, to give them fertilizer,

The plants went super perky, then they died as they came off their high.

BOIL AND BUBBLE, THE SEPTIC TANK IS IN TROUBLE

It was sad when my septic eruption, fouled all my breathable air,

My memorial stone stated that I died from, "nose toxic despair",

If it's clear breathing you seek,

Country life you will find bleak,

For septic tanks overflow weekly, because they are clogged up with hair.

EMPLOYEE ZERO

Last night, I left my clothes on the bedroom floor, and they loaded up with bugs,

This morning, I spread the bugs to the family, when I gave each one hugs,

I wore my floor clothes to work,

Shook hands with the big boss, Kirk,

Soon, Boss Kirk, itched and scratched, and ripped off his toupee, for Kirk always wore rugs.

I DON'T REPAIR DUMPS; I BUILD CASTLES

I gathered up my jumpy dog, and locked down my crumbling hovel,

We walked down to the sandy beach, with my toy plastic pail and shovel,

Built a tall castle on the beach,

Stacked sand as high as I could reach,

My dog knocked the castle down; for his dinner, he had to grovel.

MY PARTICIPLE GOT GONGED

My home schooling mommy, said I was doing my participle, all wrong,

Mommy did not say what the problem was, she just banged my tin, toy gong,

Then she sent me straight to bed,

Without my teddy bear, Fred,

I hope she does not make me lay here, until my toe nails grow two feet long.

HIGH GROCERY PRICES: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

I drove over to the big box grocery store, and what's up?

I can't afford a meager breakfast, lite lunch, or simple sup,

I'll layoff most of the kids,

Sell my home, I will take bids,

I'll set our dog free, so starving cubs, can't gas grill the pup.

THE LAST WATTLE HOUSE STANDING

My uncle built his beautiful home, out of forest, wattle wood,

It took my uncle nearly 10 years, because he wattled it good,

In a summer storm, it did win,

Lasted through the tornado spin,

It was the last standing wattle house, in the wattle neighborhood.

I INVENTED A CHAIR THAT REQUIRES NO UNDERWARE

I took a great idea, and  brought it to power,

I set a chair inside, my big bathroom shower,

It's like a washing machine,

You get a full body clean,

While, napping upright, for a day, or an hour.

BEDTIME RITUALS

I like to eat a little pineapple, it helps me digest my pills,

I also take an antacid, because the acidic fruit juice,  kills,

I whiten my teeth; I brush real hard,

Use mouthwash rinse, to cavity guard,

I turn off the lights, to lower bills, then I lockdown the window sills.

WHERE MY KIN GOES, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS

An enormous, windbag thunderstorm is blowing in,

I must protect the roof on my trailer; it is tin,

I will rope the roof to the ground,

Crawl under my bed, with the hound,

And, leave room for the stray kith,  neighbors, strangers and kin.

A FLYING FRY CAN PUT OUT AN EYE

The meal I made had become weaponized,

The kids were fighting each other with fries,

Surrounded by missile booms,

I sent all kids to their rooms,

I stand determined that nobody dies.

MURRAY THE GOAT COUGHED UP...

Murray ate everything, because he was a goat,

That is how Murray got a fur ball, stuck in his throat,

Murray had eaten a straw hat,

The hat was home to a big rat,

Murray coughed up a fur ball, and his owner's remote.

BLEACH CHANGES THINGS, IN THE LAUNDRY

My socks were making my toes itch and scratch,

So I put the socks in the laundry batch,

I did not use soap,

Or any of that dope,

I did spill in some bleach, now they don't match.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

I GET EVEN WITH GUPPIES

I was raising expensive little corals in my guppy, fishy tank, 

I wanted to sell corals for money, and put the money in the bank,   

But, those crazy, guppy fish,

Ate my corals, for nutrish,  

I put in the guppy tank a piranha, and his name is Hungry Hank.