HOLIDAY TRAFFIC LIMERICK

The holiday traffic got kind of speedy,
For those going to resorts were all chill pill needy,
But, they brought with them lots of cash,
To fix their rides after a crash,
And, have money left to stay at someplace not too seedy.

52922

CONDUCTOR'S LAMENT: "IF ONLY EVERYONE WERE LIKE THE TRUMPETS"

July second is finally at hand,
Time to rehearse the July forth marching band,
While the drums bang away,
Tubas ompah all day,
The trumpets fanfare on command.

7223

GUPPIES FOR THE FAIR OR FOOD

I raised me some beautiful guppies to sell at the farm fair,

People looked into my guppy jug, and saw no guppies there,

It seems someone's sea toad,

Was in guppy lunch mode,

In the next booth sat that toad, with a big smile and dumb stare.

31624

SLEEP TIGHT TERMITE, SLEEP TIGHT

Sleep tight termite, sleep tight

For you the world is all right,

Your family is all kisses and hugs,

For they don't have issues with bugs,
Like my walls caving in overnight.

5520

AR AND THE ATTACK OF THE HEMORRHOIDS

I have a Doberman dog, I named, Atomic Richie,

AR is laughed at because his hemorrhoids are itchy,

Across the carpet he scoots,

Amongst the laughter and hoots,

Poor old AR is howling in a vibrating pitchy. 

SWATTER HOUSE FLIES

I found my old fly swatter, and swatted a million flies,

Their guts flew into all my food, and that was a surprise,

There were guts in the refried rice,

Guts on every pizza slice,

I didn't tell the kids, so they would enjoy their pizza pies.

THE COMING FREEZE

The cold was ever creeping, real near,

Frosty toes made me quiver with fear,

Woodstove was almost out,

No wood lying about,

That winter, firewood had become dear.

31524

GOLDILOCKS AND THE FOX

There once was an old, old fox,

He bit on a young Goldilocks,

She kicked him in the face,

He gnawed her shoelace,

Ruining her only pair of red socks.

I WENT SALMON FISHING ONE MORNING LIMERICK

I went salmon fishing one morning,
A big fish bit without warning,
He struck with such wrath,
I fell in for a bath,
Now salmon fishing, I'm scorning.

5121

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, STAR GO DIE

There was a little star that twinkled, in the North, March sky,

It twinkled in, it twinkled out, I watched the star, go die,

I thought, those poor, fast freezing, creatures,

Needing that star to heat their features,

All those countless, needless deaths, drew a tear from my blue eye.

31424

BLOOD SUCKED AND THEN TEA

There was this vampire, he hung down from an oak tree,

Everyone who passed got a little neck bitey,

Blood flowed like a river,

Which made givers quiver,

They would pass out, but would make it to the next day's tea.

31324

THEFT OF THE SNOW CABIN

I went to the woods, bought a quaint cabin, made out of snow,

So in the summer, I would have a fancy place to go,

On one hot summer day,

I got off, and away,

My quaint cabin was stolen, and I had lost all my doe.

I LOVED AND I GOT GONGED

There are dirty diapers in the morning, and all day long,

Dirty diapers, dirty diapers, I did something wrong,

I use to be in my fish boat,

All day long, I'd relax and float,

Then I spied a beauty on the beach, and life gave me a gong.

31325

CAPTAIN MANGO TOO

There was a starship captain, named Captain Mango Too,

Everywhere the Captain went, he brought along his crew,

One night drinking on planet Mars,

They all got in fights at the bars,

They woke next day in a jail cell, all drenched in puke and poo.

31224

BARRY OWNS A BEASTIE

Barry owns a beastie and Barry named him Little Lee,

Barry found Little Lee in the swamps, eating tic and flea,

Do not know where to begin,

Barry now has clean, nice skin,

The beastie keeps Barry clean;  clings to Barry like a tree.

I GET PAID IN FREE COUPONS

My employer pays in percent off pizza coupons, he gets for free,

I wish I had some real money, so a pizza I could one day see,

Now the toilet has a clog,

Coupons, make a solid slog,

I work for coupon toilet paper, the kids can't flush out to sea.

AI AND THE LAMER GAMER

An AI invaded my Android and ruined every game,

I spent time and money uploading, now every game is lame,

I got stressed out so much,

With reality, I lost all touch,

I just sit before a candle, staring at the flickering flame.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART TWO

Invaders from space cut and laid massive stone blocks,

They stacked them real high, like a toddler stacks toy blocks,

Traveled billions of miles in space,

They were so stupid in this case,

I showed them rebar and concrete on some Tic Toks.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART I

Invaders from space built a massive pyramid in my yard,

It was a marker for spacecraft, so landings were soft, not hard,

Then I thought "what a big, awful mess",

I taught the invaders, GPS,

The invaders were so happy, they sent a nice thank you card.

THE SNAKE IN THE POOL LIMERICK

A snake fell into my swimming pool,

I guess he wanted to feel real cool,

He chased us all away,

On a hot summer day,

Now "no snakes in the pool" is the rule.

HEMORRHOIDS ARE DESTROYERS OF THE WORLD

Some wanted the world destroyed,

Some put such feelings, on avoid,

Then we all got nuked, 

Radiation we puked,

Just because a dictator had a hemorrhoid.

FARE-THEE-WELL,TURTLE

Fare-the-well, little turtle, as you cross the busy road,

You're being watched by others, including a fox and toad,

Because you do not move real fast,

The toad is seeing, if you'll last,

The fox just loves to see thee, turtle; he's in dinner mode.

31124

THE TOMATO JUICE PHILOSOPHER

I went and bought tomato juice, and drank it from the jar,

I got pulled over by the police, for drink-driving my car,

I could not make bail,

Spent twenty years in jail,

Wife left me for a donut maker; my, ain't life bizarre

I KISSED A BLUE DRAGON

I kissed a blue dragon, and it stung me on the lips,

I swear that the poison went straight to my hips,

It hurt my hips bad,

My eyes teared up sad,

Now I drink with a straw: the only way I get sips.

THERE ONCE WAS A TALENTED OTTER LIMERICK

There once was a talented otter,
He worked as a spinning wheel clay potter,
His kiln blew up one day,
And his house burned away,
He had tried making his kiln burn much hotter.

102723

VAMPIRE POEM

In the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heaven or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengeance is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

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