BITES AND THRIFTING

I'm low on funds, so I went thriftng at a little thrift store,

I bought fancy, fashion jeans, and nifty shirts that I adore,

Next day, I had bedbugs and fleas,

Ringworm, head lice and gross, scabies,

Today I used the fire pit, burned my clothes, now I feel poor.

REQUIEM FOR THE ORANGE

There once was a big old, orange critter,

He lost all his friends and became bitter,

He got thrown out of his house

With his kids and his spouse,

And, had his privileges cancelled by Twitter.

12421

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

5324

FALL: A LIMERICK OF DISCONTENT

I don't like fall a lot,
My garden has gone to pot,
The trees have lost every leaf,
From the cold there's no relief,
Fall means the summer is shot.

11521

OFFICE WORKER LIMERICK

Pam tapped her black, shiny keyboard, as she typed tippy tap,
Pam sucked down a cola soda, as her earbuds boomed rap,
Pam worked in a law office.
For a lawyer named Crawfice,
Pam filled out legal documents,  with fancy, wordy crap.

1816

THE SKUNK WHO LOWERED HIS CHOLESTEROL

Derek the skunk liked his eggs in the morn,
So, he went into the chicken coop where the eggs were born,
Then the chickens got mad,
And, treated poor Derek bad,
So, Derek did breakfast, by eating field corn.  

71721

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

92023

THERE WAS A MAN NAMED PERKINS LIMERICK

There once was a man named Perkins,
He loved eating sour Gherkins,
He ate so many one night,
His lips puckered up tight,
It took days to fix his mouth work-ins.

A man named Perkins owned a pet store,
He sold little pigs, but nothing more,
He tried selling big hogs,
They were heavy like logs,

And, that made his back mighty soar.

42510

MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

32425

I LOVE MY BABIES

I love my babies, yes that's true, 

I raise them up, that's what I do,

I am a house fly,

And, before I die,

I'll train my babies to bug you.

I TOOK MY TIME MACHINE BACK TO THE OLD WEST II

When I took my time machine back to the Old West,
I spilled a beer on Doc Holliday's new vest,
Now, he didn't say too much,
But, his bullet was hot to touch,
"Call for a doctor", was my next request.

32423

A LAMENT FOR MY GREEN-SNAKE

My giant pet green-snake named Nork,
Ate only pizza with pepperoni and pork,
Poor Nork died from the wheeze,
When his pizza had cheese,
Nork had a food allergy, since he lived in County Cork.

61522

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,the

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

11824

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

51622

IT'S SO HOT, MY MAGIC BANJO MELTED

It got so hot, that my magic banjo melted; it turned back into tin,

I bought the magic banjo from an old chap called Rumpelstiltskin, 

Now, I bang my tin all day,

Hoping passerbys will pay,

I'm a street corner musician; hoping my magic tin will earn me din. 

HAIR EVERYWHERE

My best bro was as furry as a big grizzly bear,

And, twice everyday, he would shave off all his hair,

The need for furry care,

My bro, thought was unfair,

With some wax and some duct tape, he showed he had a pair.

31525

WOMEN LOVE ME (PROBABLY NOT)🙄

I live a bigly life with absolutely, very few regrets,🐖

I survive on black coffee, honey buns and menthol cigarettes,😎

Last time I did a social check,🐍

I had only aces in my deck,💤💤💤

It's why babes want to be my squeeze; I'm a winner, that's their bets.👎😂😂😂

THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS

I cannot sing one single, real high note,

That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,

My voice is just too horse,

High notes hurt, of course,

So, I play cello, on those notes I float.

71524

MY BOOGER FANTASY

If I were a booger, I'd hide  up in a nose,

Then, when snot comes along, my bugger self, it grows,

I would hideout there, 

My host, unaware,

Then, when my host got sneezy, out the nose I blows.

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it, but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

THE FOUR DIMENSIONAL GAMBLING PROJECT

I went to the moon, and fell down into a deep pit,

There I found an alien boxed, space-time, travel kit,

I traveled back to sports games

Bet some money on some names,

I won billions of dollars, now I'll rest for a bit.

82424

AWOKE IN THE WOODS: I'M BABY FOOD IN THOSE HOODS

I was cross-country skiing, when in some deep hole, I was downed,

I awoke a big grizzly bear, and up on her back feet, she bound,

She gave me a scare,

That grizz, mama bear,

But, the cute baby bear ate me, while mama bear held me down.

122925

TADPOLES GOT TALENT

Tadpoles, tadpoles swimming in my deep, muddy ditch,

Soon you'll be a choir, when in puberty you'll find your pitch,

But, at least all of you frogs,

Won't bark all night like dogs,

And, if you're pretty and sound real nice, you might even become rich.

I DID NOT KNOW BEARS ATE FRUIT FOR DESERT

I was real hungry, when I caught a baby chipmunk in my baby chipmunk snare,

The baby chipmunk begged me not to eat him; his little body, I did a spare,

Along came a grizzly bear,

He grabbed me by my hair,

I begged him not to eat me, but he feasted on my body, then enjoyed a pear.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

1823

THE PARASITES IN THE LAKE

The lake water teams with parasites,

Those who drink it can expect long, nasty nights,

A drinker was the bear,

All night he cried out in despair,

But, by morn the bugs had finished their bites.

11722

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

91824

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

72623

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

121023

THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grizzly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

52926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grizzly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

42026

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

1922

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

LOOKS AND LANGUAGE

I slapped on some red lipstick, and penciled in some eyeliner,

I fixed up my cute dog face, and I have never looked finer,

Tight nylons make chubby legs thinner

I am attending a gala dinner,

My big wig hair speaks of confidence, short hair would say, "whiner".   

ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

12926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grizzly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

11825

I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

7322

WE'RE FORCED TO SHARE THE SHACK, WHERE GRANDPA SQUATS FOR FREE

Heat monster, heat monster please go away,

You killed daddy's farm crops, now the family eats hay,

And, a cloud of blowing dust,

Killed daddy's cows, he be bust,

We'll soon move to grandpa's squatter shack on the bay.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

92923

THE SUMMER OF TERROR (2026)

All this heat, and all these rains,

By the both, I'm caused great pains,

When the river overflows,

Then drown, I goes,

The heat boils my liquids, and cooks my brains.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But, if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

8324

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

113020

SISTER SANDY: THE OUTDOORS AND CINNAMON BUNS

Sandy is my sister, she lives out on the lakes,

She keeps her home nice and tidy, and cinnamon buns she bakes,

Sandy hunts buck deer, and big bears,

Panthers poop, when at them, she stares,

Happy Birthday Sandy, enjoy the ice creams, and the cakes.

DUMPED DEADBEAT SUE FOR BORN RICH KATE

Sue and I bought some very expensive, big city, real estate,

We both thought we would get a really descent, low interest rate,

But, my sweetie, homie partner, Deadbeat Sue,

Didn't pay her college loan, since 2002,

After that, I found a nice, wealthy, homie partner called, Rich Kate.

SUE AND I HAD GUESTS, WE DID NOT INVITE TO OUR PARTIES

All I had was some chamomile tea,

But, somehow parasites got into me,

I feel better than Sue, 

She turned a dark blue,

She got parasites from apple crunchy.

SANDY'S BLUE BLOOD HUBBY HAD CONTAGION.

Sandy had a real lovey  dovey hubby,

She'd give him an alcohol body rubby,

She would kill all his bugs

For safe kisses and hugs,

Sandy's hubby tended to be bug grubby.  

MYTHICAL HORNED BEASTS DEFEAT BIGLY BEAR

There was a bear in my farm field, chewing on my eared corns,

I sicked on him my dangerous, half feral unicorns,

The bear yawned, and took a great, bigly, bear poop,

He thought he'd be eating unicorn gut soup,

The bear did not reckon on the poison in the uni horns.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

42224

4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So, I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July, can't be beat.

63023

I SAW 2 CLOWNS AND A FAIR BEAR

I went to the government fair, and boy, was it boring

There were 2 clowns, and an old bear, and the bear was snoring,

I wished the bear to wakeup,

And, make the 2 clowns his sup,

Then, lightning flashed, and on the way home it started pouring.

LARRY'S PET COW BLOWS NOSE

Larry has a very sick pet cow, it has a hot, runny nose,

Every time the fat cow sneezes, 10 lbs of yellow shot it blows,

The sneezing started late yesterday,

The cow was gorging on fresh cut hay,

The cow might be poisoned; she drank water from a crop duster hose.

MY AI IS AN ALCOHOLIC

My new AI came to work stinking drunk, today,

He would not do anything, on my screen he lay,

Should I rat, and tell my boss,

Mr. AI will get the toss,

Maybe I'll blackmail AI, then I'll get my way.

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

5217

SNOOKEY THE SHARK LIVES IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Snookey the Shark lives in Grand Traverse Bay,

She eats every swimmer that swims in her way,

But, every Fourth of July,

She eats every swimmer, oh my,

Then, she burps for the rest of the day.

101621

SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

7624

WHEN HUNGRY, I LOOK UNDER THE LAWNMOWER

I had nothing more to eat, but a slice of stale moldy bread,

I looked under the lawnmower, and found there a meal, instead,

There was snakeskin with some sticky meat,

And, cut grass with clover; what a treat,

I ate something; had two eyes; it was all red, fury and dead. 

UNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grizzly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

4425

FOR THE LOVE OF LARRY: FAT COW ON THE PRAIRIE

I rode my horse out onto the prairie to find a lost cow,

It was my kid Larry's loving pet; I wanted a bow wow,

I spied the cow running through tall, brown grass,

A grizzly bear was chasing the cow mass,

I saved the fat cow with my rifle skill, only one shot, POW!

DISAPPEARING KOI: THE SPLEEN KILLER

Algae turned my backyard, fish pond, dark green,

And, my cute koi I had not today, seen,

I took a quick dive in

Got a bite on my skin,

It got infected, and I lost my spleen.

THE BARTERING AND THE TICK WHACKING MASON

I hired a local mason to lay me Chicago bricks,

I paid him with real green firewood, and a whole bunch of sticks,

He built a solid brick wall,

I knew it would never fall,

He enjoyed his firewood, and used the sticks for whacking ticks.