LOVE, TIME, RECKONING IMAGINED

You broke my heart, and you broke my brain,

Then you cut a fart, and hopped a plane,

Will I see you once again?

Will you buy me a nice din?

Will you be hobbled, and walk with cane?

YOYO, EDDY, THE CHAMBER AND ME.

I went into my chamber, because the chamber is where I go,

I played some chamber music, while I bounced my yellow, new yoyo

I played the music on an old LP,

I think the speed was like 33,

Later, I put down my yoyo, and read some Edgar Allen Poe.

I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE

I hit a baseball with a ball bat,

The ball flew into space like a sat,

For a minute that night,

I watched my satellite,

It burned up in the sky, that was that.

72024

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my future it's grave.

92320

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.

9422
 

HOME EQUITY: IT PUTS GAS IN THE TANK

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank,

First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle Hank,

High gas prices give me depression,

I have an unhappy confession,

My uncle will be losing his home, when I can't make payments to the bank.

32326

THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,

Beef!

102421

I WAS SENT TO A DETENTION CENTER

My parents sent me to a detention center, also known as bedroom,18

They told me I must stay in the facility, until I learned how to groom,

They ordered I cut the hair growing from my ears,

Then, told me cut my nose hairs; that brought me to tears,

Nose hairs really make the man, that is the judgement of all my county peers.

THE GREAT TUNA GOD

The great, grand tuna god of elves, trolls and gnomes,

He is always reciting gross, fishy poems,

He likes poems about bass,

Because they rhyme with gut gas,

And, poems about dog fish with rabies, and mouth foams.

123123

TRINA AND THE HAIR DRYER SAGA

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose,

She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes,

Her fancy white blouse was stained black,

So, Trina slipped into her shack,

Trina changed to a clean blouse, and clipped in her hair, two bows.

61624

BEAST OF BURDEN: BEER UP THE REAR

I am a great beast of burden, they call me Ox,

I pull behind me a plain, wooden, big box,

Bar folk are sniffing up my rear,

The 18 barrels of fresh beer,

The boozers heckle me, I think they should all detox.

CORN KERNEL DAN LIVES AGAIN

Our hero, Kernel Dan got pooped out of a real sick chicken,

Then along came a gray, sneaky snake, and he was Dan lickin,

The big snakes digestion was mean,

But, Dan came through it feeling clean,

Dan passed to the snake a pathogen, and the snake did sicken.

THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grisly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

THE MICHIGAN OMNIVORE

In Michigan, for a meal to score,
You must become an omnivore,
With finances unkind,
You eat what you find,
On the dirt, the bush, or the floor.

WHO SHIFTED THE WINDOW? REWRITING THE HUMAN MIND

I went into politics, because I wanted to build a time machine,

I wanted to save my father, who died when I was just fifteen,

I knew only the power of government could yield,

The resources needed for a temporal field,

I recruited another young man to assist, but a paradox was unforseen.

THE PSYCHIC NASAL PROJECTILE

There is a brilliant, young, sentient being that spit out of Joe's nose,

It has fantastic psychic powers, it seems the future, it knows,

It says,"this booger is drying,

In booger terms, I am dying,"

Then says, "don't worry; Joe's nose has an infinite number of blows.

THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores, ice cream bars.

91024

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF WOOLWORTHS

Every time a Woolworths Store closed, another city died,

I always went to Woolworths to get a coffee, and be pied.

In America The Beautiful, we put our hopes,and dreams,

But, down came the Woolworth stores, for real estate tax schemes,

Now we are lost in a world of psychotic themes,

Too late for blaming those who profited and lied,

Where do I go to get a coffee and be pied?

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,O
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

4122

TWIN PEAKS SPREAD IT TO HUNTER CAT

I wandered downstairs, and found some beautiful antiques,

They were loaded with mice, so there were plenty of eeks,

So, I called down my hunter, cat, 

He ate each mouse, right where it sat,

But, my cat got the rabies from a rat named, Twin Peaks.

KNEE KNOCKERS, BB BALLS AND GNOMES

My statues have some limitations; they stand only 2 feet tall,

When I knock them over, they break, then they are not statues at all,

I don't mind breaking garden gnomes,

Not crazy for their chromosomes,

Then my nephew destroys all the rest, firing his BB ball.

10123

DOOMSCROLLING AGAIN

We doomscrollers panic, as the whole world turns and burns,

Most people are just interested in social concerns,

Concerned with a coworkers passion for leather clothes,

Or, that cousin Judy got a fix job on her nose,

Soon, I'll join my family; the dead people in the urns.

THE ORGAN GRINDER

Jim the organ grinder, made tunes from his organ grinding pipes, 

He sold bananas on the street corner, two different types,

His noise brought customers in,

To select bananas, from his bin,

He divided his bananas into green ones, and the ripes.

61325

INVITE ME

When you have that party, on last Saturday, then why didn't you ask me?

I wouldn't had drank up all your alcohol, because all I drink is tea,

I sit sober on a couch or a chair,

Giving  guests a quick glance, and friendly stare,

I'm always the life of the party, and I bring finger snacks for free.

GREASE SHRAPNEL AND MY TATTERS

In the deep dish fry pan, my potatoes pop and sing, 

They spit grease shrapnel in my pretty face, and bee sting,

They smell so yummy,

To this old rummy,

All toasty gold, soon the taters swill be belly bling.

WHO BROUGHT THE GUILLOTINE TO THE PARTY

Where did my peasants get the guillotine? That answer, I really want to know,

I ordered them all destroyed, after I used them to deal with my worker foe,

The peasants will soon chop off my royal head,

Clean the brains out, and fill the inside with lead,

Then they will fire it out of a cannon; that thought fills me with dread and woe.

GRANDMA: MEATS AND SMELLS

I put on my red ridding hood, and took a stroll down a dire, woodsy path,

I was on my way to grandma's small, backwoods, house, to see what meats she do hath,

Grandma always has lots of red meat,

That's why I sneak over there to eat,

We always eat in the open air outside; grandma smells bad, for lack of bath.

I FOUGHT A VIKING, AND GOT PAIRED

I was sword fighting with a Viking, and I got a surprise,

After I sprayed the Viking with pepper spray, right between the eyes

The Viking swung his sword through the air,

Cut me right in half, made me a pair,

Then I understood what dad said, "those who sword fight a Viking, dies".

MILLIONAIRE MAGIC STICKS

I am sitting on my assets, and letting their value grow and grow,

They consist of a large package of sticks that you shake to make them glow,

I will make money on my glowing sticks,

They be "witches magic", I'll tell the hicks,

Think I'll sell them on an exchange, to hicks with bigger bank account range.

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

62021

CARING FOR REINDEER AFTER CHRISTMAS, A BUSINESS MODEL

After Christmas, you'll see reindeer meat is extremely cheap,

It always is, once Santa has parked his red flying heap,

Santa cashes in for greed,

Saves big bucks on reindeer feed,

Santa waits until late fall, then rounds up reindeer for the leap.

1824

ELECTRIC WIRES, STRUCTURE FAILURE AND VARMINTS

I got termites in my home tower,

Mice chewed through my lines of power,

No power to cook goose,

My floors and walls have come loose,

Starving, under rubble I cower.

P01082022

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,

Everyone there drove electric cars,

And, there it is written,

That all must play badminton,

And, at golf one can only make pars.

81223

TIM LOST HIS FAVORITE FOOT TO A BEAST

Tim loved his pretty, left foot very much,

The foot was air pillow soft to the touch,

Along came an alligator,

He bit her off, and he ate her,

That rude cur, made Tim's appendage his

lunch.

PEANUTS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE

I was told that the gasoline that I buy, I'm only paying "peanuts", who knew?

When two credit cards got declined while buying gas today, I got depressed, real blue,

It don't do any good, crying,

When adult people are lying,

Gas prices are high, I can see with my own eyes, and peanuts are expensive, too.

THE DEEP DARK DOOM

I love to go scrolling, the deep, dark doom,

I love memes with a big nuclear plume,

I love zombies with teeth,

Spreading terror and grief,

I love the spray of napalm like perfume.

FEEDING A CROW: A TRUE STORY

J saw an owl lying alone in the street,

The big owl was cold, dead and missing both feet,

I saw some skin squirms,

He was full of worms,

Along came a crow; he thought he had a treat.

THE ENSEMBLE: STRINGS, SPOON AND BASSOON

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon,

The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon,

When spoon hits bassoon wood,

The sound is mostly good,

Supported by strings, we make a pretty tune.

9524

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

I DREAM OF MAKING HONEY BUNS

I got my filthy hands on some fresh honey buns, and oh, they were so good,

I love the sweet taste of the honey buns, that are made in my neighborhood,

They are are always honey yummy,

And, fit perfectly in my tummy,

Some day, when I am older, I'll make honey buns, for now, I just cut wood.

NEIGHBORS DO THE DARNDEST THINGS: A RURAL MICHIGAN STORY

Seymour's neighbors knew Seymour had gold in several fillings,

And, the neighbors knew each gold tooth was worth several shillings,

When Seymour was asleep in his bed,

The neighbors cut off poor Seymour's head,

That was the beginning of the serial fillings killings.

ROOMMATES EAT ME?

I've got so many rats inside, and they keep biting me on my feet,

I think that they must be testing me, to see if I am good to eat,

Two can play that sneaky game,

I talk nice to try to tame,

The question is, which of us will end up as the other's dinner meat.

MY CHRISTMAS JAMS AND DOOMSDAY

They sit silent, in my family sized big pantry; all my jams, except the overflow,

Maybe I'll give the overflow away to my brother Steven, right now, I do not know,

Doomscrolling predicts the world will soon end,

The mass hoarding of foods, shows we don't pretend,

Cities will be slaughter houses, where cannibals go, I'll be snacking on jams, Ho,Ho, Ho.

PRETTY BIRD: WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND, I EAT

Some years ago, I had a most beautiful, colorful, singing bird,

The bright bird knew thirteen foreign operas; I couldn't understand a word,

I told him to sing in my tongue,

He got huffy; his neck got wrung,

I served the pretty bird with stuffing, and mashed potatoes, mixed with curd.

RAGE IS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE

I live in rural Northern Michigan, and we're all full of rage,

I toast my morning struddle each day, with a pump from my 12 gauge,

We do not like any strangers, 

Especially, the park rangers,

Because we hunt deer year around, park rangers want us in a cage.

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

5324

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated, I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But, there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up, until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the deep, blue sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure, as rare as can be,
But, Benny had very bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date Benny had, was just 2003.

2522

THE SECRETS OF FABULOUS RANDY

Mr. Randy had a tailor, too,

And, a man who cut and stitched each shoe,

Dear, old Mrs. Fox,

Knitted Randy's socks,

His coat came from a cow that went "moo".

101624

JACK PINE OF THE STICKS

I live in Northern Michigan, way out in the jack pine sticks,

My home is a disaster dump;  all my neighbors are real hicks,

We all know to duck, then fast run,

When old drunk, Amous cleans his gun,

Most of my kith and kin die real young, from bar fights, bears and ticks.

I TOOK CONTROL OF MY FINANCES

I am already feeling all kinds of thrills,

Since, I decided to quit paying all bills,

Of course, the nice bank set me free,

When they took my home and car key,

I hope I'm mentioned in a few people's wills.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

92423

All Alone Turkish March by Mozart

Lyrics by Leigh Collin Brandt, draft

All Alone I just sit in darkness, thinking all about you,

Like a stone, my heart is sinking for I dread a life alone,

In my head, I wish I'd not let you know that I could doubt you,

And, I fear for all the things I said, and that I cannot atone, 

Still, I know that I saw you kiss him with romantic passion,

And, I felt as you embraced him you were pushing me away,

It made me feel like a habit that has fallen out of fashion,

Yet, I still wish you'd return to me, when this night turns into day,

All alone I know I'll be sitting, as this darkness lasts forever,

No point in going out into a world that's grown ugly, cold

And, my phone will lie lifeless, for it hears your sweet voice, never,

Only fading thoughts of yesterday, is the love I tightly hold.

10222

THRIFT STORE SUCCESS

I went thrifting today, and bought plastic tulips for a buck,

I also bought a booster seat, so I can steer my pickup truck,

At home I admired the tulips, 

While sipping down homemade mint juleps,

I wrapped a gift I found for grandad; a signed Red Wings hockey puck.

122725

FOOT CORNS AND AN UGLY PARASITE, REMOVED

Both of my feet were infested with hickory hard, corns,

Yesterday, "they are ready for harvest", my doctor warns,

On this summer, sunshine  day,

The corns were taken away,

Along with a parasite, that had sharp teeth and long horns.

THIS VOTER FEELS ROYALLY WOOED

I'm a voter and I'm about to be wooed,

That's one way to put it, without being rude,

While the politicians are wooing,

I will do some serious booing,

But, I don't dare boo too much, or I'll be sued.

I FLEW OFF TO VISIT MY DEAD

I flew my little airplane up into the high clouds that are the sky,

Hoping I would meet my family, and friends, who have coped to die,

I thought they would be up in the clouds,

Covered with white, or gray, or black shrouds,

The mountain I didn't see coming; in the fireball, my dears said, "hi".

CHOOSE WRONG AND EAT THE DOG

Because, we all love to die young, and starve,

That's the reason we all voted for Marv,

For our supper, we will carve,

The torso, we once called Harv,

Harv is the dog, my brother's called Garv. 

(In America, we don't eat people, except on days that end with "y".

THE DRINKING BOTS IN DEARBORN BARS

My AI robots went out drinking, they were on a drinking spree,

My robots would answer a question, then they'd get a drink for free,

My big experiment went as it should,

Robot assimilation, turned out good,

My plastic robots got forty free drinks, that they passed on to me.

A SPACE ALIEN POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

91923

FOOD FOR THE FERRELL

All of the kitty cat lips, were all tongue licken, 

In the garbage, there was the skin of a chicken,

The wicked aroma that smelled,

All kitty attention, it held,

Along came a bear, and kitty hearts, did quicken.

61325