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Wednesday, August 23, 2017

MY LITTLE DOG LEE

I had a feisty Pomeranian named Little Dog Lee,

He would bite down on my pant cuffs and not let them be,

But, when I offered him bacon,

His real desire would awaken,

After that he'd let my pant cuffs hang free.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I CAUGHT SOME PHOTONS WITH MY NOSE

I caught some photons on my nose,

They burned real bad like no one knows,

My sunscreen failed,

The SPF bailed,

Now I suffer with nose woes.

Monday, August 21, 2017

THE ONLINE CREEPY CRAWLERS

Everywhere online I go,

The creepy crawlers think they know,

My wants good and bad,

They target with ad,

To get a click to make some dough.


Sunday, August 20, 2017

I'M PAYING BILLS ONLINE LIMERICK

Online bill paying has brought me great terror,
For my screen keeps flashing a red "error,"
My bills are all due,
At midnight I'm through,
Late fee e-mails are a real bad news bearer. 

Saturday, August 19, 2017

I'M OFF TO THE YONDER PLACE

I'm off to the yonder place,
Where the deer and the antelope mace,
And, the bears and the cougars,
Fight turf wars with their Luger's,
It's still better than the humans that race. 
 

WOOD STOVE TOP, HOT IRON HAIKU-

Wood stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, poison..

Friday, August 18, 2017

TEQUILA AND THE ECLIPSE

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse,
The walk was really hard on my hips,
And, Old Sol was unkind,
For my stares made me blind,
Or, was it the tequila that passed over my lips.

UNCLE EMIL SERVED RAW CHICKEN TO THE KING

Uncle Emil raised big chickens,
Then, roasted them for the king’s court,
One day he did not clean them well,
And, the king put Emil on report,

The king’s men took old Uncle Emil away,
No one has seen him since that time,
It seems giving the king a bad belly ache,
Is a very treasonous crime?

Now I have taken up Uncle Emil’s job,
But, the king eats fish and chickens no more,
Today I served up some tainted raw fish,
Just to settle up Uncle Emil’s score.



Thursday, August 17, 2017

WHY DREAM OF MARS


Celine looked out the window at cars,
While dreaming of moving to mars,
But, mars is all gravel and rocks,
With sundial tic-tocs,
And, all there dream of moving to stars. 

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day, or two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I HUNTED THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER NEAR LAKE MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protect protected natural habitat, hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster that is over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggey”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggey if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggey we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapper.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 20 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegemog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggey. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggey but, the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggey had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

AN OLD DRAGON NAMED FRED

There was an old dragon named Fred,
He ate only things that were red,
He ate a red boat,
Then tried to go float,
But he sank to the bottom instead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

TOO LATE FOR THE TIN TOY SOLDIERS

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust,
I had left them outside for years to just rust,
I cleaned them one day,
And, the rust crust went away,
As my tin soldiers all crumbled to dust. 

MY GIRLFRIEND PICKS HER NOSE HAIKU

Girlfriend picks her nose,
Not happy with what I see,
She has job, ignore.

Friday, August 11, 2017

PAPA CRAIG MITCHELL MIXED HIS COFFEE AND TEA

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea,
He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee,
Many thought he was insane,
Some disease of the brain,
But, Papa Craig Mitchell still lives at age 93.

BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT ME

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears,
Now, will the Bigfoot come for me?
I'm really tender, if not tasty,

Oh Bigfoot, Bigfoot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
I fear your comming from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty Bigfoot please go away,
Birds taste better I would say,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

A SERIOUSLY STUPID RHYME

One little bug flew up my nose,
He ate into my brain I guess, I suppose,
Another little but entered my eye,
He got stuck in my eyeball and then he couldn't fly,

Then a pair of squirrels came down from a tree,
Why they circled the ground was a mystery,
But, then they gathered some cigarette butts,
They took the butts home to smoke their walnuts,