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Thursday, February 20, 2020

THE DIM BULB INVADERS

Far into the distant night,
Upon a world with a dim bulb light,
Futures were prepared,
By the bold and the scared,
In crafts toward the earth rides the fight.

SAD AWAKENING

I awoke with my nose holes all full of thick slag,
My tears turned my pillow into a soggy tea bag,
I had cried all through my sleep,
For I had just wrecked my new jeep,
And my insurance, I have sadly let lag.

MY TAILOR MADE SUIT

I got my suit all tailor made,
The contours of my body his scissors obeyed,
Now, I have a snug look,
So, appointments I'll book,
And, my tailor will be presently paid.

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

A FAREWELL TO MY BACON-WRAPED CHEESE-STUFFED POTATO

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food,
Less, I should become an unhealthy dude,
My bacon-cheese potato,
Is replaced by a salad with grape tomato,
Now I'll live much longer but, I'll be in a crapy mood.



Monday, February 17, 2020

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TOWN ON ICEY ROADS

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error,
And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror,
For when I hit the ice, 
We will spin round once or twice,
Then, clean undies in my car become rarer.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

I AM TWICE REVENANT YES, TWICE BACK FROM THE DEAD

I am twice revenant yes, twice back from the dead,
Back from a vast world where deep passions are fed,
Where love ala-carte,
Re-booted my heart,
Now, back in the world of the alone I must tread.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

MY FROSTBITE WOE

Woe into me for I have frostbite, 
For I went there out with no gloves in the cold dead of night,
Then, I blew out one bad cough, 
And, all my fingers fell off,
Of course, they never were on very tight.

Friday, February 7, 2020

THE SEVEN TERMITES FROM HELL

The seven termites from hell,
Ate away on my wood wishing well,
Then, when the weather got hotter,
The well wouldn't hold any water,
The well just withered to sawdust and fell,

The seven termites from hell,
Ate on my home until there we couldn't dwell,
The walls caved in on dad,
Which made my mom sad,
Unfortunately, it was too late to sell.

A HOLE, A DUMP AND A VOWEL

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel,
All lived in the very same hole,
Then, along came a bear,
Who sat down on their lair,
And, took a dump and the hole space he stole.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and out my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left you hurt and lame.

MY PRETZEL PAST

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater,
I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter,
With all the pretzels I ate,
I gained plenty of weight,
So, on planes I occupied a two-seater.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

GROWING GOLD ON DIRTY DISHES

In my kitchen sink I've grown so much mold,
That I'd be rich if such stuff could be sold,
A mold garden might be one of those niches,
That will bring me great riches,
If my alchemy can turn mold to gold.

Friday, November 15, 2019

THE VOLE POACHER

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice,
I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice,
I'm hunted by a G-man because I hunted voles to eat,
I barely got the voles half fried when, through the front door comes the heat,

I ran out the back door with dogs chasing after me,
Unfortunately, they were my dogs barking my locality,
I could just see frozen Lake Superior when I felt hot lead graze my thigh,
My bag of chaw was shot down and I ask Dear Lord, why oh, why? 

So, I came to open water and it looked like a cold, cold swim, 
And, even if I made it I'd have no chaw at the Canadian rim,
I've spent many years in prison pondering the error of eating voles for din,
I wish I had made it to Canada where eating voles isn't considered a sin. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig,
Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,
 Tomorrow I'll awaken with hardly any sleep,
And, I hope at work I do o.k. so, my job I just might keep,  

I think it is incredible each day that I survive,
Until, I drop dead at work and am declared an unalive,
Of course, there are the medicines I take for my aches and pains,
 These meds have scrambled up my guts and eaten away my brains,

To live to be a pensioner I think is real naive,
For all the decades I have worked, not one penny I'll receive,
I have no riches to pass on to my son when he gets big,
But, I'm sure it will fit him so, I bequeath to him my wig.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

HALLOWEEN CANDY FOR MONSTERS

I never knew a zombie who didn't like brains packed in his lunch,
I never knew a vampire who didn't like blood in his blood punch,
I never knew a witch who didn't munch on bat,
Or, a ghoul who didn't snack on the corpse of a rat,
I never knew a werewolf who did not like to make bones crunch. 

Sunday, September 1, 2019

FROM COLLEGE: LETTER TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND

Deary, deary, deary, dear,
The worst has happened so, I fear,
I met another because you're not here,
I know you love me and you will tear,

Deary, deary, deary, dear,
At school my social life made me wrong stear,
I met a girl who brings me great cheer,
She washes my feet and cleans each ear,

Oh deary, deary, deary, dear,
I guess goodby for at least this year,
Think on me often although, we're not near,
I know your sad but, you still have beer. 

Saturday, June 15, 2019

SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July,
Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa, "why?"
Next day Santa woke up atop the Mar's rover,
His deer were on earth munching on some green clover,
Santa couldn't remember his adventure because he didn't want to try.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

RECOVERING SECURITY CODES IS CRAP

We all spend hours recovering the code to the bathroom doors,
Now, the world is a sewer because of the security code wars,
So, thanks to security code doers,
Our halls have become sewers,
 But soon, we'll be recovering  codes so, we can crap on the floors.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

666

Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw,
Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa,
But, he did not express any charm,
When I sliced off his arm,
I got a spanking and my bottom is still raw.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

COUSIN FARMER

He feeds them beans,
And, turnip greens,
Although my cousin is just a farmer,

Among the ladies he's quite a charmer,
Until roasting farm animal spleens.

Friday, May 10, 2019

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,
Then I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,
The intense pain causes me mental disorder,
As I hop along the sane/insane border,
Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

LOVE AND THE GUILLOTINE

On my way to the guillotine, I found my one true love,
She was the one who washed the necks of those condemned by gov,
Although our romance was only chatter,
We shared the feelings that really matter,
And, we would meet at an all-you-can-eat restaurant up above. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

Quoting poets or a special psalm,
I can't find words for my precious mom,
Although, she's been gone more than a year,
On Mother's Day, I shed the tear,
 And, through it saw her standing near. 

THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO IT

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied,
He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide,
 The devil asked me a favor,
He wanted a new ice cream flavor,
He wanted the taste of sulfur and newt eyes deep fried.

Monday, May 6, 2019

WHO ARE THE GNOMES?

Their burger buns are packed with stones,
They fill their tacos with only bones,
They make their bread,
Of the walking dead,
To us they're known as gnomes. 

Thursday, April 18, 2019

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard,
He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard,
I didn't chase the lynx away,
In fact, I hoped he would stay,
He's a goose eater and my garden guard.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

COLLECTING COINS FOR UTILITY BILLS

When I was young at numismatics I was a wonder,
I went through pocket change looking for rare coins to plunder,
Alas, I grew up and those thrills,
Ended with utility bills,
Which ravaged my collection asunder.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

TICKS ARE DRINKING MY BLOOD

I have ticks in my garden and they're drinking my blood,
The lack of blood makes me queasy and I fall down and go thud,
It's a mystery to me,
Why, the ticks attack me,
I go swimming so, I'm not covered with crud.

Monday, April 15, 2019

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,
If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,
Of course, I'm a human,
I'm not a fish,
And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

WHEN IT COMES TO MONSTERS, DON'T COUNT ON PARROTS

You never know when monsters are going to get you while you sleep,
I taught my parrot to warn me by yelling "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"
Well, last night the monsters got me really, really bad,
They painted on me a clown face that looked so awfully sad,
And, what happened to my parrot who was supposed to go "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,"
Apparently, he said, "to heck with this; I'm going to go to sleep."

Saturday, April 13, 2019

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,
I found a rock that had a humanoid face,
The face chomped down on my port side,
I could have easily died,
But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

Friday, April 12, 2019

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"
That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"

My boss said my frustration,
Added to his exhilaration,
And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,
Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop, hop,
The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,
So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

POOCH ON A CAROUSEL HAIKU

Dog, pet, Pooch, fair, ride,
Up, down, pony, sick, barf, sick,
Carousel, No Dogs!


Monday, April 8, 2019

I GOT A POINSETTIA FOR EASTER THIS YEAR

I got a poinsettia for Easter this year,
It was made out of plastic and smelled like reindeer,
I stuck it in clay,
And, then walked away,
When I see it my eye builds a tear.
 

ODE TO MY WOODEN SHOES

When I'm hungry I can always chew,
On my left or right wooden shoe,
When things get really tense,
I have a club for defense,
My shoes get attention from more than a few.

MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,
She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,
The babies move slow,
But, they'll be safe and can grow,
For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

Sunday, April 7, 2019

E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,
A person of interest, maybe a spy,
He spoke fluent Yeti,
Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 
Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,
She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,
What she overheard, 
She recalled word for word,
Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,
Some say his enemies just evened a score,
The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,
And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,
The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,
She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,
Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,
But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,
And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.


Saturday, April 6, 2019

MURPHY PRETTY BIRD

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he,
Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee,
Murphy went to Hollywood and became a dreamy star,
Murphy made so many movies he could afford a good used car,

Murphy finally made a movie where he accidentally laid an egg,
Murphy then made a movie which was labeled a turkey leg,
Murphy decided to retire while his looks were still real good,
Murphy got into his good used car and left old Hollywood. 

Friday, April 5, 2019

WARPY, WARPY TIME MACHINE

Warpy, Warpy time machine,
Warp me to a place where I can clean,
Warp me not to a place of power,
Just warp to a place I can shower,
Warping makes one all guey-green

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,
And, if he tried to ignore it the run would drip down on his clothes,
Robbie finally, gave no care,
Hoping his date was unaware,
Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

Today I invented anti-gravity,
I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity,
I just drove along and hit ice,
The saucer rotation was nice,
The cliff though, was bad angel depravity. 

Thursday, April 4, 2019

DILLY THE SCRATCHY CAT

My cat Dilly shows me love with his scratches,
That's why I keep around some extra eye patches,
And, Dilly my friend, 
Will scratch my end to end,
The scratch on my foot and my face are matches. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

I REPORTED MY SNOWMAN MISSING

My snowman is missing and nobody cares,
He may have been eaten by cougars or bears,
I reported that he disappeared,
The officer said it wasn't weird,
"Many snowmen are giving friends scares." 

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,
For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,
Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,
Some compete for duration others, win, place or, show,
The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.
It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie,
It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye,
If I am to prosper and live,
Please, a pie piece to me give,
Or, my will to live will just wither and die.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

I HAVE CLIMATE CHANGE

My furnace died now, I have climate change,
I'm trying to survive in the lower temp range,
My environment is cold so, I made a fire,
But, the smoke made my breathing dire,
My head is cold because I have caught mange.

TO SAVE DINNER ADD CHERRIES AND TUNA FISH

I wanted to make a great dinner like is served at the Ritz,
I went to the store and acquired gravy and fresh grits,
 My cooked grits turned out chunky,
The gravy smelled kind of funky,
So, I mixed in some tuna fish and sweet cherries without pits.
   

Monday, April 1, 2019

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

What fish do I eat tonight?
My goldfish is hanging with blight,
My swordfish is floating,
In some post mortem coating,
And, my guppy lerches to the right. 

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes,
The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes,
I barely walked up a hill,
And, found a rattlesnake kill,
Thick boots, not sandals are what this trip takes.