WHAT HAPPENED TO FIGARO?

I was once a great opera star, and I sang Figaro,

After decades, I could sing the high notes, but couldn't go down low,

Before I retired, 

I was email fired,

Now, I work as a mall Santa, and I sing "HO, HO, HO, HO".

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

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I FEEL SAD, FOR ALMOST EVERY BAD THING I'VE DONE

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun,

I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done,

I once stole a cookie from mom's jar,

Soaped the windows on dad's car,

I short sheeted big brother's bed, though that was kinda fun.

WHERE GROWS THE TOES

While splitting wood with an ax, today,
My foot got right direct in the way,
I wonder who knows,
If I can grow some new toes,
 Like my beard that I chopped off last May.

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BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

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LEPRECHAUN: EATER OF WORMS

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms,
He washes them thoroughly, because he does not like germs,
He use to like greens,
Kohlrabi and beans,
But, they were gassy and gave his belly the churns.

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MY LIPS WERE LIKE PIGGY EARS

I spent my savings going to trumpet college, to improve my embouchure,

I was told that my lips were like pig ears, making sounds that were hard to endure,

Still, I practiced long and practised hard,

Until, my sounds were completely bared,

I was sent home, never to perform or tour; a peasant job I did procure.

CASEY'S COMPASS HAD A FLAW

My Cousin Casey was so dog gone, super nice,

Each day, his moral compass, he would check it twice,

Casey had one ugly flaw,

It concerned his ma and pa,

He put them in a cheap nursing home, that had mice.

DON'T BUY CHIPS FROM A GHOST

I bought potato chips, but they were all mold

I read that in 2012 they should have been sold,

I went back to the store,

But, the store was no more,
It was abandoned in 2010, I was told.

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UNCLE LEE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee,

He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free,

There's  cards, darts, bingo and bowling,

Romance: there's vacant lot trolling,

Many find their true love, under the hazel nut tree.

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MALE CHAUVINIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER

I went down to St. Jane's funeral parlor;  saw my old lady there,

She was laid out on an old table, and there was blood everywhere,

She had become a vampire from a toilet seat,

And, human blood was the only food she would eat,

There was a sharp, wooden stake stuck deep in her heart, and I put it there.

ARE THE PRODUCTS I MAKE SAFE? ASK MY LAWYERS

I can't get insurance to cover the product I make, ginger beer,

If a bunch of consumers drink it, and then die, that could cost me dear,

That happened when I made saltine crackers,

Those consumers became toe tag slackers,

I got bankrupt sued, and lost my house, and all my business backers.

BEEPER AND THE HURLING GIRLS

The young guy called Beeper, is quite a little creep,

He sold his inherited house, and bought a jeep,

He tries flirting with girls

That gives the girls hurls,

Beeper is a dim wit; his thinking is not deep.

MARVELOUS HANNAH AND THE PEAL

There once was a senior, named Marvelous Hannah,

Hannah lived in Boston, but hailed from Savannah,

Hannah liked drinks that were fizzy,

Fizzy made her brain spin dizzy,

Hannah is real dead; slipped on a peal of banana.

THE WATER GUN AND THE VISITORS

I woke up and saw a flying saucer parked in my backyard,

There were two little green aliens chewing on my Swiss card,

I grabbed my big blaster, water gun,

They saw me coming, and did a run,

Before they got on their spacecraft, my blaster watered  them hard.

I DIED FROM A BLOODY TOOTH

I pulled my bad tooth out with pliers; it was done on a dare,

I then started bleeding really bad, that gave me a teared scare,

For an ambulance, I sent,

To the hospital, I went,

A nurse put a tag on my toe, and I got cremated there.

ELDON AND THE SNOWPLOW

Brother Eldon had two little feet, and they were white as snow,

And, everywhere that Eldon went, his snow white feet would go,

One cold day, Eldon looked for his cow,

But, was run over by a snowplow,

Eldon's feet were all that we found, on poor Eldon's day of woe.

BARNEY BIG HORN

Barney the big horned buffalo, put on some purple underwear, 

He did not like being naked, because all the girls would stare,

One girl buffalo said, "hey hun,

Without your underwear, you'd have fun",

So, off went his underwear, then he was ate by a grisly bear.  

THE END

PEGGY PEACOCK

Penny had a handsome, pet peacock, and Penny named him ABC,

ABC had a pretty, peacock girlfriend, known as 123, 

123 and ABC made a big egg,

The peacock that popped out, mama named her Peg,

Peg grew up, became a volunteer, and gave up her spare time for free.

TIME TRAVEL: SCIENCE VS. MEDITATION

I tried to tunnel my brainy consciousness to change my personal past,

I wanted to be stinky rich, and have a marriage that for years, would last,

I took a hard, quantum physics class,

I don't understand maths; I didn't pass,

I've found that if I drink beer and meditate, I can change my life, chug fast.

DOG TURDS AND TRAPS: A LIFE WITH A PURPOSE

You see many monsters in the world, when you are just a little fly,

I'm just looking for some turds to eat, then I can lay all my eggs, and die,

It's easiest to follow dogs,

They're always dropping big, wet logs,

The monster humans often set fly traps out; they hate us; I wonder why?

A KATRINA GHOST STORY

Katrina sang while sailing, one calm sunny day,

Then she sailed her small boat, too far out on the bay,

Because her eyesight was poor,

Katrina couldn't find the shore,

Katrina's ghost is still singing, that's what some say.

KATRINA CAME BACK

I'm mad; my little, brat sister Katrina, got a brand new, baby horse,

The reason she got one is mommy and daddy, were getting a divorce,

Then Katrina rode away,

Didn't come back until today,

Katrina ran off fifty years ago, so mom and dad are dead, of course.

MY BACH CLOCK

Hickory, Dickery, Dock, my big clock chimes hourly, Sebastian Bach,

It dings Bach's Toccata in D Minor, all metered with a tic tock,

When in he Toccata phase,

My guests shower me with praise,

Some ask me if the clock could chime a version, in heavy metal rock.

HOW LAZINESS AND PERSONAL HYGIENE CAN COEXIST

No one can see that my long fingernails are never, very clean,

Because I painted all my fingernails, a really dark, grass green,

Instead of taking my normal shower,

I gave myself much more body power,

I painted myself a pumpkin orange, because I love Halloween.

WHEN I'M CRITICISED, I TRANCE TO FRANCE

Many people do not like my crazy, silly rhymes,

My rhymes make them so mad, they want to clock my chimes,

I escape into a trance,

Where I am living in France,

In France they do not know of my linguistic crimes.

EAGLES PREFER LAMB

The eagle likes my little lambs; he takes one once a day,

He flies them off into the mountains, that's where my lambs stay,

The eagle once took a rat,

And, a calico barn cat,

But, the rat and cat both wandered home, the very next day.

CONCERT AND DINNER DATE MUSIC

Ferris played masterfully, an ancient instrument, called the harpsichord,

The elegant music was comforting, enchanting; a good soul's reward,

The enchantment was fleeting,

When Ferris finished, we went eating,

The music tape played at the restaurant, made my ears and taste buds, dead board.

I PROVIDED SCIENTISTS WITH A CHANCE FOR A FISH DINNER

After I suddenly died, scientists dissected my strange brain,

They wanted to find out why I was acting, completely insane,

They did not find any germs 

Just pounds of juicy, red worms,

The scientist took the worms, and went fishing on Lake Champlain.

I COPIED MY PARENTS

I sucked in candy cigarettes, when I was a nasty,  little tot,

I pretended I was like daddy, until my teeth began to rot,

I copied mommy and ate cookie dough,

The dough tasted good, and made my skin glow,

I gave some dough to my little bro, and it just made him snot a lot. 

THE QUEEN'S BISHOP, ROOK

I am so mad at my neighbor for stealing my bestest, favorite book,

It is about a queen cheating on the king, with the handsome bishop, and rook,

The book ends really, really bad,

The queen's exed by an ax, so sad, 

The bishop and rook become fisherman eunuchs, drowning worms on a hook.

CITY FOLK MOVE TO THE FARM

My family moved out into the county, where the men can raise some fat pigs,

We are going to try planting tobacco, so the women can roll fresh cigs,

We planted potatoes in the ground,

Acres of tomatoes, will abound,

But, the ceiling and floor in our trailer has caved in, so we don't have nice digs.

HEALTHY BREAKFAST

My cinnamon oatmeal was too hot, and it burned my pink lips,

I use to eat lots of bacon, but bacon made huge, my hips,

Each morning drink prune juice,

It keeps a body loose,

Always eat toast dry; butter clogs arteries, and makes heart flips.

BLESSED IS THE PEACEMAKER, WHO TONES DOWN GRANDMA'S WRATH

Aunt Matilda took a shower, and Uncle Benny took a bath,

They slopped water all over, drenched the floor, which caused vexed grandma's wrath,

Grandma chewed on them all day,

She refused to hear their say,

Grandma might have yelled through the night, but for our peacemaker, Aunt Cath.

THE STREET ECONOMY

I went deep diving in a mini mall dumpster, to find a pair of shoes,

I had a nice matching red pair, but someone stole them when I took a snooze,

The dumpster was a smelly mess,

I didn't find shoes, but found a dress,

I traded the dress for a pair of boots, and a can of malt liquor booze.

BANJO BOB AND THE DARLENES: A GHOST BAND

The spirit legend says, Banjo Bob And The Darlenes, still perform,

In Marquette, Michigan, during every deadly, cold, snow storm,

They're a hillbilly, punk, jazz band,

They never take a moral stand,

They froze to death on their bus in '88;  they failed to stay warm.

THE BELLY ACHER

I got very poisoned by some salmonella,

 from my neighbor's garden dates, 

My stomach feels like it has in it a gorilla, dancing while lifting weights,

My evening was trashed,

Finally, I just crashed,

From now on, produce from my neighbor's garden, has become one of my true hates,

BEARS LIKE THE FLAVOR OF LOLLIPOPS: WHO KNEW?

I climbed up a steep hill to see what was on top,

All that was there was a big bear, singing hip hop,

He stopped singing when he saw me,

Asked me if I could ever be,

Tasty like  pork chops, flavored with a lollipop. 

I WRITE ETUDES FOR DUDES

I took some time to write some trumpet etudes,

They are used for practice by trumpeter dudes,

Separating men from boys,

They sounded like noise,

As controversial as museum art nudes. 

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MAMA'S TULIPS AND DADDY'S CORN

Mama raised her tulips, and daddy raised his sweet corn,

That's the type of family, that little me was born,

We ate corn in our pudding,

We ate corn in our pork stew,

Mamma set fresh tulips on the table, to adorn.

LEAN-TO LIVING

I built me a lean-to, leaning into a big oak tree,

I used big pieces of metal, I picked them up for free,

A big fire makes it warm,

There is damage in a storm,

After a storm, one must rake the floor, to clear out debris. 

I KNEW A BANJO PLAYER NAMED CLAY

I knew a banjo player named Clay,
And, boy could that hillbilly play,
From Mozart to Bach,
From Bluegrass to rock,
His music had something to say.

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MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was she mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

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THE ROBOT IS THE WINNER

I got in a street fight with a modern robot, and I did not do so well,

He was an expert at kickboxing, his foot in my face was how I could tell,

He was well built and strong,

The fight didn't last too long,

He did carry me to the hospital; we became close friends; his name is Mel.

JIMMY AND HIS HARD TIMES

Jimmy sold his red blood to buy some toilet paper, that's how bad things are,

Jimmy lost his cheap apartment, and sleeps with snakes in an abandoned car,

Jimmy is disappointed,

He feels employer exploited,

Jimmy works eighty hours each week, to earn pennies for his savings jar.

MY BIRDS ARE ALL BONES

I could not afford to raise chickens to eat, so I raised some chickadees,

Chickadees have almost no flesh to eat; their boney breast, just a meat tease,

I decided just the eggs, I'd eat,

Just a drop of protein was the treat,

Next year I am gonna sell all my birds, and replace them with honey bees.

MY DINGBAT SINGS

Someone gave me a cute dingbat, gave it to me, totally free,

It flies around my apartment, while singing, "ding ding, ding, ding, dee", 

He eats all of the flies, 

He poops, but the poop dries,

I hung a bat house on the wall, so my dingbat can go sleepy.

SPELL OF THE NEWT

I took the tiny eyes from a newt, then that newt could not see,

Then that blind, angry, old newt, put an evil curse upon me,

I was making a love potion,

I was full of love emotion,

The nasty newt turned me into a docile, diseased tree.

THE GROCERY APOCALYPSE

The grocery prices are so high; it is bad, not good,

Neighbors are now cannibals; it is not safe in my hood,

The bugs under my door,

Are my only food store,

I've sent the wife out to a stump; there's termites in the wood.

THE RIVER BATTLE FOR STEEL

Fishing steelhead on the river, right at the cusp of the winter-spring,

There's snow on the ground and that river sound, attractive, that is the thing, 

To battle the big fish,

A true sportsman's big wish,

No matter how the battle goes, it's about the fight the steelhead brings.

WINTER SLEEP OR FINAL SLEEP

We blogged about the winter, and we blogged about the deep snow,

We blogged about the sunny places, we can't afford to go,

It is now time for the winter creep,

We just sit, and freeze and take a weep,

We'll soon freeze, pass out, and wake up in the spring? I Do not know.

I GRABBED TOO MANY FREE HOLES, AND THEY SENT ME TO JAIL

I am a tired, poor, dumb, miserable, wretched, starving slob,

I went to the store for free samples, I had no money, no job,

Doughnut holes were signed "One Free Sample",

I grabbed a handful; they had ample,

I was presently arrested, they called my hole grab, a big rob.

COMMERCIAL ROADKILL AND THE WINDOW

The Overton Window has moved abruptly, once again,

People accept the potted roadkill, I sell in a tin,

My marketing was perfect, right,

People spend less, when money's tight,

Increased poverty is an entrepreneurial win.

CABBAGE PIRATES

I come from an evil family of absolute savages,

All my kinfolk pillage farm fields for firm feeling, cabbages,

We ferment them for kraut,

That is what we're about,

Then it's on to the chicken coup, for cage-free egg, ravages.

THE GREAT TECH BACKSLIDE

The new gravity toilets, are really just a common pail,

You dump them out a window, and gravity will never fail,

Once we could afford the nice, flushing kind,

From technology, we're forced to unwind,

We'll get back on our electrics, when money becomes avail.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES FOR SENIORS

My parents called me, and announced they had become little furries,

They said they had a giant litter box, so there were no worries,

I won't go to their house,

With my kids and my spouse,

Until I understand their lifestyles, still out are the juries.

WHAT I WILL DO FOR MY PIZZA, RAVE PARTY

I went out to dig a body ditch, also known as a grave,

Down to the body box of Dear Henry, a bro and a knave,

Bro Henry, in life,

Stole Sarah, my wife,

And, Henry has my pizza coupons, that I need for my rave.

DON'T GET CAUGHT EATING RAW POLLYWOGS

I use to be a Puritan, when I sailed over on the boat,

I wore cheap, nasty, clothes, like my ragged, old, black, stinky, wool coat,

They accused me of being an evil witch,

Because I ate raw pollywogs from a ditch,

I was sent to the old gallows, sentenced by a unanimous vote.

ARBUTUS FIFE AND DRUM

Arbutus is a flower, and Arbutus is my wife,

We had our nuptials, and I guess we're married for life,

We had a couple of kids,

They grew up, left town, good rids,

We retired to play music; she plays drum; I play fife.

IGUANAS FALL DEAD

A large frozen iguana fell from the sky, down to my head,

It split my thin skull wide open, and my white shirt got all red,

In Florida, we got a freeze,

That killed iguanas in the trees,

I am the first casualty, of the iguana, falling dead.