I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

5922

HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brothers Ted, Mike, our colleague Gerrard, and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us, believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil, and come to life after midnight every December, when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank, and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a dog leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago, but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday, and after mid-night, he imagines taking his dog for a walk, so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank, people in the village where he was born believed that in December, when the moon was full, the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains, so he must have been a Highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything, because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation, I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night, and sure enough, there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park, when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.  I then decided to assemble a team to sit out in the cold with me, and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman, and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be, so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be, I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense, besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night, it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted, revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park, and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide, and observe the creature, and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us, so I persuaded my younger brother Mike, that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright, so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation, and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow, and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard, and I hid behind the walls of the snow fort, waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I asked.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know, because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or, was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there, and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act, or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike, we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times, but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then, suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically, like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster, and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand with the top held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster, he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds, Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over, and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad, then I would have been switched a lot, because I have been a very bad boy, several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

122123

FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

4524

PREPPER MOCKING

I have been prepping for a radioactive, end of the world,

Many stacked pallets of bottled water, and canned food, I have squirreled,

There will come very soon, a reckoning day,

Then, my parents will quit mocking me, I pray,

Perhaps, they'll think of me kindly, as their stomach contents are hurled.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

91824

MY DOG PATCHES DUG HOLES II

My dog Patches dug a hole to the septic tank,

What he found down there really stank, 

It was the bad smell de jour,

But, Patches enjoyed his sniffing tour,

He licked my face like I was the one he should thank.

112023

MAMA'S SPECIAL HOMEMADE BOLOGNA

I bought 2 goats off the internets, because the goats, they were charming, 

Until, they got lose in my garden, and my garden, they were harming, 

I sent the goats away,

To my mama's to stay,

She turned them into goat bologna, which I found, very alarming.

THE SUN BURNED BRAIN

There was tremendous sunshine, slapping down upon my bare, fleshed skull,

It happened to my cousin Mitch, and he ended up thinking, dull,

Mitch, as the town, dullard thinker,

He became a happy drinker,

Then he'd pass out on the docks, and got pooped on by every gull.

SCHOOL BUDGET CUTS AND THE BAND

They wore loose burgandy shorts and tight, faded, khaki t-shirts,

They were the bare footed marching band, and their feets felt the hurts,

They marched down the street,

With red cuts on their feet,

Afterward, they all went to an eatery, called PIZZA BERT'S

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

81523

TWO BIRDS FOUGHT OVER THE SAME NEST

Two birds fought over the same nest,
One was a sparrow; the other a robin red breast,
The sparrow was short and relatively small,
The robin big and by comparison tall,
The sparrow retreated because he thought it was best.

91722

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a Coke.

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

4424

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

100523

SLOWLY, THE REPTILES WIN

I have noticed that local snakes, and our creepy lizards are bigger in size,

Their growth awakens an ancient prejudice; a wish for reptilian demise,

My feelings are condemned as a sin,

But, I fear the reptiles may win,

If they start by eating my pets, then my family, that would be no surprise.

SHE OVERCAME A LACK OF TEETH

My girlfriend for the last six or seven fun years, only has one tooth,

But she has a nice model's smile, six by seven Inches my gal, Ruth,

Her one tooth smile, shocks,

Online critics, I blocks,

Ruth has an important job,  in public at a horror, movie ticket booth.

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,

For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,

Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,

Some compete for duration, others win, place or, show,

The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.

It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

022723

ALTERNATIVE EATING

I broke my jaw, and they wired it completely shut,

"I need some food, now", said the ache that came from my gut,

So, I snorkel food through my nose,

Using a thin, long, rubber hose,

But, at the eateries, people must think I'm a nut.

MARCH/SPRING HAIKU

Thinking Spring, bird tweets,
Winter returns, cold, harsh, storm,
Bird tweets?  Bird goes burr!!!!

3611

WHAT HAPPENED TO FIGARO?

I was once a great opera star, and I sang Figaro,

After decades, I could sing the high notes, but couldn't go down low,

Before I retired, 

I was email fired,

Now, I work as a mall Santa, and I sing "HO, HO, HO, HO".

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

5324

I FEEL SAD, FOR ALMOST EVERY BAD THING I'VE DONE

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun,

I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done,

I once stole a cookie from mom's jar,

Soaped the windows on dad's car,

I short sheeted big brother's bed, though that was kinda fun.

WHERE GROWS THE TOES

While splitting wood with an ax, today,
My foot got right direct in the way,
I wonder who knows,
If I can grow some new toes,
 Like my beard that I chopped off last May.

2916

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

92523

LEPRECHAUN: EATER OF WORMS

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms,
He washes them thoroughly, because he does not like germs,
He use to like greens,
Kohlrabi and beans,
But, they were gassy and gave his belly the churns.

32323

 

MY LIPS WERE LIKE PIGGY EARS

I spent my savings going to trumpet college, to improve my embouchure,

I was told that my lips were like pig ears, making sounds that were hard to endure,

Still, I practiced long and practised hard,

Until, my sounds were completely bared,

I was sent home, never to perform or tour; a peasant job I did procure.

CASEY'S COMPASS HAD A FLAW

My Cousin Casey was so dog gone, super nice,

Each day, his moral compass, he would check it twice,

Casey had one ugly flaw,

It concerned his ma and pa,

He put them in a cheap nursing home, that had mice.

DON'T BUY CHIPS FROM A GHOST

I bought potato chips, but they were all mold

I read that in 2012 they should have been sold,

I went back to the store,

But, the store was no more,
It was abandoned in 2010, I was told.

5120

UNCLE LEE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee,

He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free,

There's  cards, darts, bingo and bowling,

Romance: there's vacant lot trolling,

Many find their true love, under the hazel nut tree.

12724

MALE CHAUVINIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER

I went down to St. Jane's funeral parlor;  saw my old lady there,

She was laid out on an old table, and there was blood everywhere,

She had become a vampire from a toilet seat,

And, human blood was the only food she would eat,

There was a sharp, wooden stake stuck deep in her heart, and I put it there.

ARE THE PRODUCTS I MAKE SAFE? ASK MY LAWYERS

I can't get insurance to cover the product I make, ginger beer,

If a bunch of consumers drink it, and then die, that could cost me dear,

That happened when I made saltine crackers,

Those consumers became toe tag slackers,

I got bankrupt sued, and lost my house, and all my business backers.

BEEPER AND THE HURLING GIRLS

The young guy called Beeper, is quite a little creep,

He sold his inherited house, and bought a jeep,

He tries flirting with girls

That gives the girls hurls,

Beeper is a dim wit; his thinking is not deep.

MARVELOUS HANNAH AND THE PEAL

There once was a senior, named Marvelous Hannah,

Hannah lived in Boston, but hailed from Savannah,

Hannah liked drinks that were fizzy,

Fizzy made her brain spin dizzy,

Hannah is real dead; slipped on a peal of banana.

THE WATER GUN AND THE VISITORS

I woke up and saw a flying saucer parked in my backyard,

There were two little green aliens chewing on my Swiss card,

I grabbed my big blaster, water gun,

They saw me coming, and did a run,

Before they got on their spacecraft, my blaster watered  them hard.

I DIED FROM A BLOODY TOOTH

I pulled my bad tooth out with pliers; it was done on a dare,

I then started bleeding really bad, that gave me a teared scare,

For an ambulance, I sent,

To the hospital, I went,

A nurse put a tag on my toe, and I got cremated there.

ELDON AND THE SNOWPLOW

Brother Eldon had two little feet, and they were white as snow,

And, everywhere that Eldon went, his snow white feet would go,

One cold day, Eldon looked for his cow,

But, was run over by a snowplow,

Eldon's feet were all that we found, on poor Eldon's day of woe.

BARNEY BIG HORN

Barney the big horned buffalo, put on some purple underwear, 

He did not like being naked, because all the girls would stare,

One girl buffalo said, "hey hun,

Without your underwear, you'd have fun",

So, off went his underwear, then he was ate by a grisly bear.  

THE END

PEGGY PEACOCK

Penny had a handsome, pet peacock, and Penny named him ABC,

ABC had a pretty, peacock girlfriend, known as 123, 

123 and ABC made a big egg,

The peacock that popped out, mama named her Peg,

Peg grew up, became a volunteer, and gave up her spare time for free.

TIME TRAVEL: SCIENCE VS. MEDITATION

I tried to tunnel my brainy consciousness to change my personal past,

I wanted to be stinky rich, and have a marriage that for years, would last,

I took a hard, quantum physics class,

I don't understand maths; I didn't pass,

I've found that if I drink beer and meditate, I can change my life, chug fast.

DOG TURDS AND TRAPS: A LIFE WITH A PURPOSE

You see many monsters in the world, when you are just a little fly,

I'm just looking for some turds to eat, then I can lay all my eggs, and die,

It's easiest to follow dogs,

They're always dropping big, wet logs,

The monster humans often set fly traps out; they hate us; I wonder why?

A KATRINA GHOST STORY

Katrina sang while sailing, one calm sunny day,

Then she sailed her small boat, too far out on the bay,

Because her eyesight was poor,

Katrina couldn't find the shore,

Katrina's ghost is still singing, that's what some say.

KATRINA CAME BACK

I'm mad; my little, brat sister Katrina, got a brand new, baby horse,

The reason she got one is mommy and daddy, were getting a divorce,

Then Katrina rode away,

Didn't come back until today,

Katrina ran off fifty years ago, so mom and dad are dead, of course.

MY BACH CLOCK

Hickory, Dickery, Dock, my big clock chimes hourly, Sebastian Bach,

It dings Bach's Toccata in D Minor, all metered with a tic tock,

When in he Toccata phase,

My guests shower me with praise,

Some ask me if the clock could chime a version, in heavy metal rock.

HOW LAZINESS AND PERSONAL HYGIENE CAN COEXIST

No one can see that my long fingernails are never, very clean,

Because I painted all my fingernails, a really dark, grass green,

Instead of taking my normal shower,

I gave myself much more body power,

I painted myself a pumpkin orange, because I love Halloween.

WHEN I'M CRITICISED, I TRANCE TO FRANCE

Many people do not like my crazy, silly rhymes,

My rhymes make them so mad, they want to clock my chimes,

I escape into a trance,

Where I am living in France,

In France they do not know of my linguistic crimes.

EAGLES PREFER LAMB

The eagle likes my little lambs; he takes one once a day,

He flies them off into the mountains, that's where my lambs stay,

The eagle once took a rat,

And, a calico barn cat,

But, the rat and cat both wandered home, the very next day.

CONCERT AND DINNER DATE MUSIC

Ferris played masterfully, an ancient instrument, called the harpsichord,

The elegant music was comforting, enchanting; a good soul's reward,

The enchantment was fleeting,

When Ferris finished, we went eating,

The music tape played at the restaurant, made my ears and taste buds, dead board.

I PROVIDED SCIENTISTS WITH A CHANCE FOR A FISH DINNER

After I suddenly died, scientists dissected my strange brain,

They wanted to find out why I was acting, completely insane,

They did not find any germs 

Just pounds of juicy, red worms,

The scientist took the worms, and went fishing on Lake Champlain.

I COPIED MY PARENTS

I sucked in candy cigarettes, when I was a nasty,  little tot,

I pretended I was like daddy, until my teeth began to rot,

I copied mommy and ate cookie dough,

The dough tasted good, and made my skin glow,

I gave some dough to my little bro, and it just made him snot a lot. 

THE QUEEN'S BISHOP, ROOK

I am so mad at my neighbor for stealing my bestest, favorite book,

It is about a queen cheating on the king, with the handsome bishop, and rook,

The book ends really, really bad,

The queen's exed by an ax, so sad, 

The bishop and rook become fisherman eunuchs, drowning worms on a hook.

CITY FOLK MOVE TO THE FARM

My family moved out into the county, where the men can raise some fat pigs,

We are going to try planting tobacco, so the women can roll fresh cigs,

We planted potatoes in the ground,

Acres of tomatoes, will abound,

But, the ceiling and floor in our trailer has caved in, so we don't have nice digs.

HEALTHY BREAKFAST

My cinnamon oatmeal was too hot, and it burned my pink lips,

I use to eat lots of bacon, but bacon made huge, my hips,

Each morning drink prune juice,

It keeps a body loose,

Always eat toast dry; butter clogs arteries, and makes heart flips.

BLESSED IS THE PEACEMAKER, WHO TONES DOWN GRANDMA'S WRATH

Aunt Matilda took a shower, and Uncle Benny took a bath,

They slopped water all over, drenched the floor, which caused vexed grandma's wrath,

Grandma chewed on them all day,

She refused to hear their say,

Grandma might have yelled through the night, but for our peacemaker, Aunt Cath.

THE STREET ECONOMY

I went deep diving in a mini mall dumpster, to find a pair of shoes,

I had a nice matching red pair, but someone stole them when I took a snooze,

The dumpster was a smelly mess,

I didn't find shoes, but found a dress,

I traded the dress for a pair of boots, and a can of malt liquor booze.

BANJO BOB AND THE DARLENES: A GHOST BAND

The spirit legend says, Banjo Bob And The Darlenes, still perform,

In Marquette, Michigan, during every deadly, cold, snow storm,

They're a hillbilly, punk, jazz band,

They never take a moral stand,

They froze to death on their bus in '88;  they failed to stay warm.

THE BELLY ACHER

I got very poisoned by some salmonella,

 from my neighbor's garden dates, 

My stomach feels like it has in it a gorilla, dancing while lifting weights,

My evening was trashed,

Finally, I just crashed,

From now on, produce from my neighbor's garden, has become one of my true hates,

BEARS LIKE THE FLAVOR OF LOLLIPOPS: WHO KNEW?

I climbed up a steep hill to see what was on top,

All that was there was a big bear, singing hip hop,

He stopped singing when he saw me,

Asked me if I could ever be,

Tasty like  pork chops, flavored with a lollipop. 

I WRITE ETUDES FOR DUDES

I took some time to write some trumpet etudes,

They are used for practice by trumpeter dudes,

Separating men from boys,

They sounded like noise,

As controversial as museum art nudes. 

111823

MAMA'S TULIPS AND DADDY'S CORN

Mama raised her tulips, and daddy raised his sweet corn,

That's the type of family, that little me was born,

We ate corn in our pudding,

We ate corn in our pork stew,

Mamma set fresh tulips on the table, to adorn.

LEAN-TO LIVING

I built me a lean-to, leaning into a big oak tree,

I used big pieces of metal, I picked them up for free,

A big fire makes it warm,

There is damage in a storm,

After a storm, one must rake the floor, to clear out debris.