TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS, OR YOU'LL END UP DEAD LIKE ME

First thing, I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills,

I ended up cold dead, because of just mundane, life thrills,

A morning fight with my mate,

My subway train was real late,

At my job review, my boss said, I lacked critical skills,

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

6000 POSTS ON LIMERICKS AND STUFF BY LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

I HAVE PUBLISHED 6000 POSTS ON THIS SITE

Thank you for visiting me and making this site an international success.  

I would also like to acknowledge some of my pseudonym names:  Tim Colin, Ted Colin, Mike Colin, Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel and Gerrard. 

Enjoy browsing on this site and others I have created.  My sites are all free to read and browse.  You do not need a subscription to access any posts.  Feel free to use "search" to quickly locate a subject that interests you.

Again, I thank everyone who has over the years, visited this site.  I would not have kept publishing these many years, if it were not for your visitations.

Chum's Corners Townie

I went to the town of Chum's Corners, it is my less than three, <3

It's where I buy my cookies and milk, for my afternoon tea,

Did the pinball arcade,

Sharpened the chainsaw blade,

 Nice day for me and townie ilk, except my sting from that bee. 

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

PARKER LIKED OYSTERS AND CLAIMS, BUT SNAILS WERE LESS CONFUSING

At the beach, sometimes Parker picked up oysters, sometimes Parker picked up clams,

Sometimes Parker noticed Davids, sometimes parker noticed Pams,

Parker didn't know what to do,

So, Parker said, "toot a loo",

Then Parker went up the beach to pick up snails, all of them were Sams. 

THERE BE SCABIES HERE

My little brother had itchy scabies, they were thick as they could be

I told my brother to stay away, and keep his scabies off of me,

If only took a few,

Now, I'm infected too,

Our mean, crazy sister got away from us by climbing up a tree.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

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I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

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FINGER STUBS AND MY RECKONING WITH CHOPIN

Chopin cut off all my fingers because of the noise I made,

He said no amount of his lessons would give my talent aid,

Now, with just my 10 finger stubs,

I work at the gym giving rubs,

I fixed Chopin; the last lesson he gave me, I never paid.

VINCENT PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE

Vincent played the saxophone,
He was completely deaf to tone,
He sounded like Jazz,
But, had no pizzazz,
For pay they would throw him a bone.

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TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

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MASTERS OF THE CHEAT: WINNERS IN THE NEW ORDER

No good jobs, no work, no money to survive,

It is tough finding the stuff to stay alive,

But, while my honest soul grieves,

Neighbors rejoice, being thieves,

They spent their lives learning skills to cheat and kanive.

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

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THE DRINKING SONG

I drank a soda pop, and was inspired, then I wrote some rhymes,

I sniffed an empty whiskey bottle, then wrote about crimes,

I drank an old, skunky beer,

And, wrote about hunting deer,

I drank a bottle of French wine, and I talked about my French times.

I THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT

I thought I was important, but  according to YouTube, I guess I'm not,

I am not as important as a small pool of blown, green eyed, dimpled snot,

Snot got 1 million likes; snot got 10 million views,

I got zero likes, and my views were in the 2's,

Snot lives in a mansion; I squat in a tent on a dead Kmart, back lot.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

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DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But, I couldn't see them looking sad,

So, I gave them lots of money, and sent them to the grocery store.

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THE SCIENCE PERSON WHO DISAPPEARED

I think that it's mysterious, diabolical and weird,

I only took one science class, and completely disappeared,

I do not know where I'm at

But, there is this talking cat,

He told me I had polio, at least that is what he heared. 

IN MY DREAM I AI FLY

If I could think like a humanoid AI,

I would be a much wealthier, well dressed guy,

I'd create me a honey,

I'd give my honey money,

We'd eat lobster and around the world we'd fly.

NO PLACE TO BUY FOOD, JUST LAWYERS

I was really happy when I moved to the zip code that ended in 67,

There was a 7-11 store, right next door, so I felt like I was in heaven,

I use to buy my liquor and more,

At the old 7-11 store,

Last month they closed the store, and put in a law office, LEVIN, KEVIN AND BEVIN.

THE VAMPIRE DRINKS ON HOLIDAYS

The ginger boy was frightened, his hair turned from red to gray,

For he saw a wretched vampire, on St. Crispness Day,

The boy watched his sister,

Get a vampire neck twister,

After the vampire drank her blood, he just flew away.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

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THE BOUNTIFUL LIFE OF TOILET FLIES

The Flies stay in the bathroom, looking for something good to eat,

The flies smell sweetness in the toilet, and on the toilet seat,

And, under the toilet seat ring,

A feast befitting a fly king,

There's enough for his loyal minions, to feast upon the treat.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance they did rule.

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MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,

Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,

At the kitty store,

I bought my cat, Thor,

Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.

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BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

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THE LOSER: I NEGOTIATED MY OWN RAISE

I once worked at a tourist diner, way down by the bay,

Tourists didn't tip very well, and I got very low pay,

So, the owner I would always bug,

Until, he gave me a coffee mug,

He let me drink free coffee, that's how he got me to stay.

THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

DEEP DITCH FISHING

In great lakes and great oceans fishermen find their riches,

But, I find my best fishing along roads with deep ditches,

Among the cattails are the muckers,

Those tasty crawdads and blood suckers,

Of course, you must beware so none get into your britches. 

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APOCALYPSE: GOOD NEIGHBORS OR FOOD INSECURITY

When dad use to go out hunting,  neighbors went missing, but our freezer was full of meat,

Mom spent very little at the grocery store, but we always had plenty to eat.

One day the police came,

Mom and dad had gained fame,

They were both famous for their YouTube channels that showed how to prepare exotic meat.

MY NEIGHBORS ARE PIRATES AND RUN REALLY FAST

Evil porch pirates are at it, frustrating, insane

They're a clog in a toilet that will never down drain,

They grab a box, (a bad habit),

Then, run like scared jacky rabbit

They steal my last suppers, causing me bad belly pain.

APOCALYPSE: 6-7 DAYS LATER

6-7 days into the apocalypse, people will change,

People across the earth will mutate into puss monsters, real strange,

The puss monsters are infected souls,

Oozing puss out through their body holes,

Oozing puss monsters always seem to stop, after a case of mange. 

APOCALYPSE: THE PAPER CHASE

We must mass hoard things to survive an apocalypse death, and survive the odors that are foul,

That means one item must be massively stored, and I'm not talking about the common, paper towel,

I have this one thing inside my head,

Poor hygiene is worse than being dead,

One needs many sheets of toilet paper, to clean up that which is festooned, by a stressed out bowel,

MY SUCCESSFUL UNCLE HOBNOBBER

Uncle Lee needed money, so he took a part-time, pizza delivery job,

Uncle delivered a pizza in Kalamazoo, to a billionaire, named Bob,

Bob said, "dear friend, Lee",

" I will set you free,"

Bob gave my uncle his own pizza place, so that with millionaires he could hobnob.

APOCALYPSE: THE REQUEST FOR AIR

I am preparing for the apocalypse end,

If you are too, then I have made a brand, new friend,

I have some bottled air,

But, I have none to spare,

If you need some, for another friend you must send.

I AM BADGER EDIBLE

I'm glad that badger did not rip off both of my hands, that way I can still feed my chickens,

Too bad that old badger tore up both of my legs; the right leg, it still hurts like the dickens,

The wolverine is much meaner,

But, he cuts through your bones cleaner,

I stay plump by frying my birds in bacon grease, or that badger would of had slim pickin's

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

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HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf, so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy me a stogy.

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DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

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AI TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING, THEN I LOST MY MIND

I was singing in the living room, and felt like a rising concert star,

But, my home is being foreclosed on, and the mean bank repossessed my car,

I was replaced by AI at the junkyard,

Seems the boss put his faith in a robot guard,

I was sad, but went nuts and started concert singing; minds are so bizarre.

WOODSTOVE MELTED PLASTIC FAN, AND MY SHACK BURNED.

My fan got hot and caught on fire,

It was atop my woodstove, which caused the dire,

My melted, plastic fan,

Made great flames and I ran,

My shack was nearly all paid off, now I can't retire.

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THE HAPPY MEAN MEMER

I am not a real blogger, I just play one on the internets,

I use to do many blogs, from picture painting to grooming pets,

I use to make some doe,

But, the rules changed, oh woe,

Now, I leave mean memes on other channels, that makes my happy grow.

 

THE BAT AND THE TOY PIANO MAKE BLING

There is a little bat that likes to loudly sing,

After eating some bugs, he will do his sing thing,

He will belt out in soprano,

While I play on my toy piano,

Since we've been on YouTube, we've been showered with bling.

BAD NEIGHBORS GOT TO EAT

All my neighbors are cannibals, and I don't like how they're looking at me,

I try to look unattractive; I don't bathe, so I smell very stinky,

Some neighbors drool over pretty feet,

Others, eyeballs they see as a treat,

When grandpa came visiting, a neighbor bit gramps on his extra wide seat.

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

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GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

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SENIOR TEETER TOTTER PROFITS

I purchased some adult teetertotters, to rent out to seniors who want thrills,

They can bounce each other fast up and crash down, without stirring up their health ills,

I watch old seniors play,

Every single day,

Once in a while, a senior dies or gets hurt, but the rents pay all of my bills.

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

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VENISON IN SPACE: AN ACCIDENT AT LIGHT SPEED

I flew my flying saucer up into space, leaving the earth far down below,

I had a head on collision, at the speed of light with Santa's sleigh, Oh No!

All of Santa's reindeer got really hurt,

I killed the friendly fat one, they called Bert,

When Santa said he was going to sue me, I told Santa where he could go.

LEGEND OF THE BOOGER BOGGY BEAR

In Michigan's woods, there's a creature that will eat you, before you scare,

This creature was named by early settlers, as the Booger Boggy Bear, 

Many hikers hike while humming,

Not seeing the brute is coming,

The bear seems drawn to humming, his dropped boogers is the sign he was there.

I AM A QUANTUM FIELD WITH NO JOB

According to the internets, I am made up of a quantum field array,

Well, my quantum field got real sick of my old boss, so it quit my job, today,

It will be at home, watching YouTube, with no job,

It will binge eat, and drink, like a fat, quantum slob,

I hope my quantum field finds a way, to lie itself into a job with pay.

BERT AND THE FALLEN ANGELS CHOIR

I saw some falling angels, and they looked like they got real hurt,

They fell from way up high, and hit the rocks, gravel and dirt,

I do not know what the angels did so wrong,

Maybe they sang wrong notes in an angel song,

I went out and met their leader; he said his name was Bert.

I MUST GO, BECAUSE AI SAYS IT'S SO

My intellectual world has all gone awry,

I cannot use my degrees to trade for some hot pie,

When young, I should have learned a trade

Not tech skills, I'd have to upgrade,

I don't have work or food; been replaced by an AI.

MARTIAN DENTISTRY PULLS TEETH

Per the fine print in my corporate, medical, dental , PPO plan,

My PPO plan covers dental, only done by a Martian, named Stan,

Now, Martians have no teeth at all,

Stan pulled mine out, that made me bawl,

But, at least my company has instituted a total smiling ban.

MY QUANTUM FIELD GETS MARRIED

I asked someone to marry me, so we could mix our quantum fields,

If we mix ourselves, our quantum fields, who knows what our mixing yields?

Maybe children who birdie fly?

Maybe they'll have strength, like Popeye?

Maybe they will be bulletproof, and they can act as human shields.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

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