QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

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THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

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VENISON IN SPACE: AN ACCIDENT AT LIGHT SPEED

I flew my flying saucer up into space, leaving the earth far down below,

I had a head on collision, at the speed of light with Santa's sleigh, Oh No!

All of Santa's reindeer got really hurt,

I killed the friendly fat one, they called Bert,

When Santa said he was going to sue me, I told Santa where he could go.

LEGEND OF THE BOOGER BOGGY BEAR

In Michigan's woods, there's a creature that will eat you, before you scare,

This creature was named by early settlers, as the Booger Boggy Bear, 

Many hikers hike while humming,

Not seeing the brute is coming,

The bear seems drawn to humming, his dropped boogers is the sign he was there.

I AM A QUANTUM FIELD WITH NO JOB

According to the internets, I am made up of a quantum field array,

Well, my quantum field got real sick of my old boss, so it quit my job, today,

It will be at home, watching YouTube, with no job,

It will binge eat, and drink, like a fat, quantum slob,

I hope my quantum field finds a way, to lie itself into a job with pay.

BERT AND THE FALLEN ANGELS CHOIR

I saw some falling angels, and they looked like they got real hurt,

They fell from way up high, and hit the rocks, gravel and dirt,

I do not know what the angels did so wrong,

Maybe they sang wrong notes in an angel song,

I went out and met their leader; he said his name was Bert.

I MUST GO, BECAUSE AI SAYS IT'S SO

My intellectual world has all gone awry,

I cannot use my degrees to trade for some hot pie,

When young, I should have learned a trade

Not tech skills, I'd have to upgrade,

I don't have work or food; been replaced by an AI.

MARTIAN DENTISTRY PULLS TEETH

Per the fine print in my corporate, medical, dental , PPO plan,

My PPO plan covers dental, only done by a Martian, named Stan,

Now, Martians have no teeth at all,

Stan pulled mine out, that made me bawl,

But, at least my company has instituted a total smiling ban.

MY QUANTUM FIELD GETS MARRIED

I asked someone to marry me, so we could mix our quantum fields,

If we mix ourselves, our quantum fields, who knows what our mixing yields?

Maybe children who birdie fly?

Maybe they'll have strength, like Popeye?

Maybe they will be bulletproof, and they can act as human shields.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

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THE MEME OF FEAR

I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,

Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,

But, I am not going there,

I fear the meme of the bear,

With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams. 

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I DELIGHT WHEN MY FRIENDS FIGHT, OVER WATER

I like to find the hottest peppers online, to eat,

I share them with friends; their reactions, my selfish treat,

As their aching mouths grow forever hotter,

So too, their desperation for water,

I set out one small bottle, and watch them kick and beat.

THE HOOD OF HORRORS

I had been in the hospital, in stroke recovery, healing my dome,

Then, into the neighborhood of horrors, I moved to a quiet, new home,

There were no real humans there,

Just demons, everywhere,

They're always trying to get in at night, working crowbars, while drooling foam.

THE PURSUIT OF UNHAPPINESS

On the weekends, I and my wife go separate ways,

She goes shopping, I hit the bar to live in a haze,

It has been like this for many years,

She bleeds my wallet, my eyes bleed tears,

I make big checks with my overtime, that's why she stays.

YOUR FOOD TASTES GREAT, I AGREE, BUT IT OUGHT TO BE FREE

I came from another universe that was far away

J love the taste of your bacon, that is why here, I stay,

I love your hot chicken wings,

And, your other hot, saucy things,

Great food, but wherever I go, someone insists I pay. 

MY FAIRY FAYE TALE

I went down to Alabama, to meet my Fairy Faye,

She was so dog gone pretty that I married her in May

She had a dog named Quincy Cones, his thoughts were rather dark,

He would much rather bite you first, before he'd bark, bark, bark, bark,bark,

Fairy Faye had a mommy, her daddy was long dead,

But, he would often haunt her, that's why she wet to bed,

Dead daddy played the fiddle, in life that was his thing,

In death he plays the fiddle, while demons dance and sometimes sing,

Fairy Faye and I grew old,

We had no babies, no kids hold,

Fairy Faye died, and I buried her bones,

Beside her ma, and pa and Quincy Cones.

THE WEREWOLF WITH THE HAIRY PALMS

 Handsome Jimmy woke up, and both of his long, soft palms were all hairy,

It was the night of the werewolf, when by moon light, Jimmy turns scary,

He howled at the full moon,

Knew he'd be dining soon,

Jimmy had to pick from his three best friends, Marry, Carrie or Larry.

IT'S LATE STAGE CAPITALISM, FOR ME

I was competing with the restaurant, located across the road,

Their specialty was deep fat fried crawdads, my specialty was raw toad,

The crawdad restaurant got a five star,⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I lost my my home, restaurant and car

I'm squatting in a dumpster, until they dump it with Wednesday's load.

PLAIN FISH OR FISH DIPPED

I went out to sea in a little, tiny, sailboat ship,

I made friends with a nice, chatty dolphin, his name was Flip,

We always ate fresh fish,

From the same plastic dish,

The dolphin ate his plain, but I preferred an onion dip.

I DID NOT KNOW BEARS ATE FRUIT FOR DESERT

I was real hungry, when I caught a baby chipmunk in my baby chipmunk snare,

The baby chipmunk begged me not to eat him; his little body, I did a spare,

Along came a grisly bear,

He grabbed me by my hair,

I begged him not to eat me, but he feasted on my body, then enjoyed a pear.

THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

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MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

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CURSE OF THE FLY

I am a big, fat, ugly house fly, I fly around inside your house,

I spread many infectious diseases, between you, your kids and spouse,

I spread diarrhea and the itch,

And, brain diseases that make you twitch,

You wouldn't believe the stuff I spread, from that dead critter you found, called mouse.

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them I kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

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CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
For she's the queen of fair game wreckers.

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OYSTERS OR CLAMS, LIONS OR RAMS

Randy went to a restaurant, but did not know if he liked oysters or clams,

Randy ordered both, ate half of each, then bagged the rest to take to best bud, Sam's,

Randy had been very confused that day,

His rabbit and gerbil had run away,

Randy could not pick which football team to bet on; choice was Lions or the Rams.

DUMPSTER DIVING FOR FOOD? I EAT IN THE BAR

I walked into a bar serving free, salty popcorn, but nothing else to eat,

The free popcorn was served to all embalmed patrons, so they could drive down the street,

I didn't buy a single drink,

But, I acted drunk as stink,

Nice dinner; the salty popcorn tasted much better than any dumpster meat.

LIVE AT THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND BAR, GRILL & TAKE-OUT

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings,

But, he didn't sing for nothing, and you had to pay with blings,

So, all my golden jewelry including my piercings and my rings,

I gladly turned it over, and the one-eyed man sings things,

The one eyed-man sings country western, while on tiny bells he dings,

Lastly, the one -eyed man walked off stage, and on his bag of gold, he clings.

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THE FOOD POISONING LIMERICK

My jar of pickles was suspiciously fizzy,
I ate just one pickle and became really dizzy,
I became violently ill, 
From that pickle with dill,
And, made the emergency room awfully busy. 

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BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.

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THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

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CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

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QUANTUM TUNNELING: POOR HARRY

When quantum tunneling, we take pride,

Through solid walls, like magic, we slide,

Except Harry; he got stuck; he died,

What we could retrieve, we did not hide,

It was closed casket, for what was inside.

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

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SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark, and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass, and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows, and I caught them for

 bait. 

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MOMMY AND DADDY: BAD GRACES

I foolishly told mama she was looking grandma, old,

She ratted me out to daddy, who gave  me a daddy scold,

That put small puddles in both my eyes,

So, a make up plan, I did devise,

I claimed I had a bad disease, a wheeze and sniffles cold.

TWO MILLION DOLLARS: TWO CLOCKS AND ONE DOG

I painted a picture of two old clocks and one dog,

It was quite a bit off, because I had too much grog,

In fact, the dog looked like ma,

The clocks like pa and grandpa,

It sold for two million, I call the painting, "Grog Fog".

SOMETIMES OYSTERS, SOMETIMES CLAMS

Freem likes to make his choices; sometimes Freem likes oysters; sometimes Freem likes clams,

Every Friday there's a yummy seafood party, at The House Of Sam's,

Sam's is an eatery treat,

They have shellfish, no red meat,

For the big, rare, red meats, crossover the street to the nightclub called Bam Bam's.

THE BAD HUBBY BLUES

My wife said I was a bad hubby, and she gave me the boot,

My wife said, it was my drinking, that was the problem, the root

She took the keys to the car,

I had to walk to the bar,

Where I consumed so many sweet bitters, I didn't give a hoot.

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So, I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

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BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

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SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And, four cheese macaroni,

And, a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

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A DRAGON NAMED BILL

There was a dragon named Bill,
His roar would give all a chill,
But, when he would tire,
He’d loose all of his fire,
Then, he’d stand there perfectly still.

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DEATH, SOLD BY A SALESMAN

I am getting married to my big, pregnant, college sweetheart, Maggie in May,

I am doing it, because her daddy gave me a job, working in the day,

To make stinking rich your widowed wife,

I'll sell you insurance on your life,

If my sales career takes off, I'll buy a family sized condo, on the bay.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle, tender foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day, we crashed hard, but didn't die.

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CONTAMINATED GROCERIES, NOW MY CLOTHES MIGHT FIT

Bugs have laid eggs in my food, because my windows have no screens,

That is why I have those maggots, swimming in my pork and beans,

There is a fuzzy worm,

He's chewing my wheat germ,

Maybe I should just diet, at least I'll fit my skinny jeans.

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THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

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GEORGE WENT FISHING WITH SOME LEECHES-Limerick

George went fishing with some leeches,
Baited them like daddy teaches,
George got a bite,
But, didn't hold on tight,
Tonight He's eating peaches.

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MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad, sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

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SHE BE MY DINOSAUR

My dinosaur, she ran away,

To the park, where she could play,

She drank some pond water,

Sat on the teeter-totter,

Then, slid down the slide; rest of day.

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THE CHESS BET IN THE HOOD

I found an old chess board, and some chess pieces; enough to make a set,

I setup the game in my hood, and played anyone who'd make a bet,

I took their cash, and made so much money,

When people lost, their eyes went tear runny,

Some got real mad and said to me, they were sorry we had ever met.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

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FINDING LOVE AND REVENGE IN THE POOL

I use to have a social problem, because I liked to drool at school, 

Once you are flagged as a drooler, other kids do not think you are cool,

I went to therapy,

Didn't do much good, you see,

At school, I fell in love with a drooler, while both drooling in the spool.

TODDLER TRINA GOES SNIFFING

I dreamed that Trina with her little pug nose,

Went outside for sniffing, and she found a small primrose

Inside, Trina sniffed the carpet on the stairs,

She sniffed grandpa's gross, long, ear hole hairs,

Then she found our bluetick hound, and sniffed between his toes.

APOCOLYPSE COW

I was sleeping on the ground, when awakened by an apocalypse cow,

It was trampling on me, and my internal organs were bleeding out, ow,

I have been killed by a lowly, old cow, I fear,

Not a raging bull; nor a cantankerous steer,

After my bones were all busted, I was eaten by a glutinous sow.

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

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HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

THE FADING CLONES

It is for my great species, uber humiliating,

I am a clone suffering from replicative fading,

Soon, our species will be no more,

Just dying tissues on the floor,

If we weren't cloned in a beaker, we'd be planet invading.

SANTA, THE SNOW MONSTER AND THE ITTY BITTY

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty,

The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the city,

In the city, there were humans to eat,

Santa shared with her his best reindeer meat,

They ate deer meat all summer, the tastiest deer were the itty bitty.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

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