A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Someone said I smelled like fruit, so they stuck me in a classic pie,

I'd say, baking in the oven was a terrible way to die,

I was sliced and covered with whipping cream, 

As a desert, I was everyone's dream

People said my crust was flaky; many pie pics, before bye, bye.

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute gold fishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your root beer chug-a-lugs. 

72424

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

121023

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

52725

HER SCABIES AND BABIES, NOT COVERED

My pregnant wife came down with a severe case of deadly, head scabies,

We went to my wife's baby doctor, but he had died from the dog rabies,

Another fine Doctor was there,

His name was Doctor Kildare,

He complained our insurance didn't cover parasites, or even babies.

ARIEL AIR LOVE: KITES AND WHIRLY THINGS

When I was a child, I had a happy face kite,

With a long string, my kite and I were still very tight,

Then along came a drone,

With a whirly prop tone,

My kite and the drone flew beyond the string, and my sight.

112125

SUPERNATURAL REPUTATION BOAST

Locked doors don't keep out vengeful ghosts,

Or the deities that hate me most,

But, their disdain I bear,

I show that I do not scare,

Such haters is my reputations' best boast.

102321

OPERATIONAL TIME TRAVEL

There's no question that I travel through time,

In the natural order it isn't a crime,

But, the direction I travel seems set in stone,

I can't travel to see skin put back on a bone,

Dinosaur bones I can see rebuilt up to the sky,

But, I can only imagine how they could live and or die,

It seems the direction of time takes me only one way,

I can move towards tomorrow, but not yesterday,

You see I have often traveled from what did to what does,

But, I have never traversed from what's now to what was. 

THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

8523

ARTHUR TOOK MY HEAD OFF

Good King Arthur had my head chopped off, because I made old Merlin mad,

I told Merlin he was a grifter, a foul mouthed heathen, and a cad,17

After my head was in the basket

And, my body in a plain casket,

Merlin partied and smoked some weed with my 2nd cousin, Brad.15

THE CURRENCY OF OUTER SPACE

I hitched a ride to Mars,

It cost me 6 cigars,

I couldn't take my pets,

That cost cigarettes,

And, I'm saving those smokes for the stars. 

42520

I MAYONNAISE MY MACCARONI

For fab flavors, I add mayonnaise to my macaroni and cheese,16

For rad texture, I drop in a bigly bag of frozen, sweet green peas,

This is my recipe, # 2,

#1 is my bologna stew,

I add effervescent flavors,  with that bottled chunky cheese that is blue.15

DESERT TROUT AND SAUERKRAUT CRABS

I went fishing in a dry desert, and caught a big, sand trout,

I fought him out of a sand dune, and he flopped and flopped about,

I cleaned and fried him, but he still was sandy,

I washed his sandy, fish taste down with brandy,

I then fried and ate some desert crabs, stuffed full of sauerkraut.

INVESTING 2026

My stocks are in the deep, dark toilet, and covered with foul smelling, squishy turds,

Everyone else's stocks are flying high; someone explain this with common words,

I realise that it is sadly, very true,

My broker lies, until his nose glows blue,

I should pick my stocks using a psychic, they're more honest than commissioned nerds.

I TRIED TO EAT MY BOOKCASE

I got so hungry I ate my furniture, but the varnish made me sick,

The varnish slowed my heartbeat way, way down, until it barely made a tick,

Then there was a hard, long, splintered, sliver,

That pierced my intestines and my liver,

Still, I know furniture must be edible, I just haven't found the trick.

THREE EYES AND WET SHEETS

I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead,

That is why my wife and my kid, call me Three Eyed Ed,

When small, people called me weird,

That got all three eyes full teared,

It caused me much trauma, that's why I still wet to bed.

NOTHING FROM NOTHING I LEARNED IN ASTRONOMY CLASS

Nothing from nothing is how the universe came to be, 

According to Astronomy, the class I took to get my GED,

But, if you never had nothing,

How do you get something, that everyone can see?

 

Nothing from nothing has taught me one thing,

I'm failing Astronomy, I got my test grade, 

And, it's a big fat circled (E).

And, I'm pretty sure all those stars up there are laughing at me,

BODY PARTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

My feet and I have a conversation, each night,

You see, we are old bestest friends, and really tight,

My feet ask me for powder and jells,

I say "fine, if you wash off your smells",

My feet are clean compliant, so I do them up right.

FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

81824

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

7522

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

Bigfoot got real mad,

He made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

9925

MOMMY WORKED IN A CIRCUS

I asked mommy what was an acrobat, and she said that was what she was,

Way back in time when she had just left school, and daddy's face had only fuzz,

She said when she was a girl,

She'd give lots of ropes a whirl,

Mommy said life was the circus; she settled for daddy, her second cuz.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

121925

ATTRIBUTION THEORY, OR A SCREWED UP MIND?

There was a big, snot nose, badger monster, tearing up my front yard,

He was pulling up the shrubbery, I bought on my credit card, 

The badger must of had a bad day,

Maybe his girlfriend ran far away,

Girlfriends want too much attention from their boyfriends, who work hard.

PENNY MACBETH

Penny Macbeth wanted to be admired by onlookers, as a queen,

She had wanted attention since she was an online, unfriended sixteen,

She had no castle, no tower

No claim to an elite's power,

At age 42, out of the blue, she bought a bouncy, new trampoline.

DESPERADO: I STOLE FOOD FROM A TURTLE

I went to the kid's petting zoo, and stole a big fish,

I stole it from a big turtle, right out of his dish,

I got the great, big fish home,

Sprayed the pan with cooking foam,

I ate all the fish flesh, and it was tasty, delish. 

CECIL DIESEL: THE MATH RAT THAT MOCKS CAT

Cecil Diesel is a very mean, but intelligent rat,

He made my big pussy cat cry, when he said she was too fat,

Cecil is great with my twin kids,

When their math grades were on the skids,

Cecil taught the kids quadratic equations; I'm up with that.

GROCERIES OR FACE CREAMS: THE GENDER GAP AND BIAS

Most of us, called human species, are doing the best that we can,

That includes almost every woman, and  every other man,

We get pay for working long hours,

The pay gives us consumption powers,

Women buy food for their families, while men buy face creams, for a tan.

12425

CEDAR SWAMP BROOK TROUT LIMERICK

Today I decided to lounge all about,
And go fishing for some little bitty brook trout,
I took my pick,
From a cedar swamp crick,
Tasting piney; I washed them down with stout.

32222

A DOGGIE DADDY

Denny was a doggie daddy, a doggy daddy was daddy Denny,

Denny didn't know how many dogs he had, he lost count after counting three,

Denny gave each dog a bath at night,

Combed their clean hair, then off went the light,

Sometimes when fleas and ticks would survive, Daddy Denny got a snack for free.

I HAVE ONLINE VIEWS FOR SALE

I am begging for a billionaire to pay me to lie while online,

I am not asking for very  much, just some coupons to fast-food dine,

There has been for me, no approach,

So, I hired a liars coach,

When coach found out I lied about paying him; he said I should do fine.

DON'T BE A CHEARY DEARY

In far, northern Michigan we all know there is no hope,

With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope,

Don't try to cheer us with song,

We will just take it all wrong,

And, you will be labeled the rest of your life, as a dope.

32121

THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

12623

STYLING CECIL HAD TASTY BRAINS

Cecil Diesel was a real sporty rat,

He looked handsome in his fedora hat,

When Cecil became woke,

He ordered a cherry coke,

Cecil got his brains ate by Kate, my cat.

HIGH PRICES + MEDICAL BILLS = PAWN SHOP

I can't feed my grade school babies, I cannot feed my tropical fish,

I just want all the high produces to go down, that is what I wish,

My tough wife stepped on a big, rusty nail,

My youngest got his head stuck in a pail,

Medical bills piled up, so I pawned grandma's silver candy dish..

DADDY DIRTY BEARD

Daddy grew a beard, it was itchy and full of bad bugs,

Daddy was so gross and awful, yet he wanted mommy's hugs,

Mommy sat daddy down, 

Shaved his face; shaved his crown,

The shaving got rid of the lice, but the ticks dug deeper down.

MOSQUITOS TAKE MORE THAN BLOOD

Meanie mosquitos, they done ate off my arms,

Then when I looked for my legs, that set off alarms,

My legs were in mosquito guts,

I was going really nuts,

No more camping, I'll stay on the farms.

7522

I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed, and one that's the same from my start,

So, with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain, if I were smart.

51022

THE MAGIC FROG AND I

I was looking for some big frogs, to cut off their frog hind legs,

Those appendages taste delicious, when fried with scrambled, bird eggs,

I went down to the local town, frog pond,

Came upon a frog with a magic wand,

He turned me into a big fat fly; what for? The question begs.

STRAWBERRY-PIE PLANT PIE

Deep, delicious radiant treat.

My strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Without its luster before my table seat,

I would  crash and die,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie my friends,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie,

The gods created flavors of other things,

 And, I ask the gods "just exactly why,"

Strawberry-rhubarb pie has the absolute taste,

And, no other flavors can remotely compare,

Why waste hours combining various bakery paste,

When, pie-plant and strawberries are the true baker's ware. 

121821

LEADFOOT PENNY GOT CAUGHT

Penny traveled down the road too fast,
And, became a part of the criminal caste,
So, she got a big fine,
But, Penny didn't whine,
For she violated many times in the past.

3621

THE PLANT SPIRIT

I just met the ghost of a red daffodil,

It use to live way up on this hill,

But a chipmunk, who was rude,

Thought the daffodil was food,

The daffodils' spirit wanders the hill still.

FROM COD TO SOD

I am universally known as a fish, cod,

A fisherman caught me with a hook, line and rod,

Now, I'm a cod on a bun,

It is not very much fun,

After digestion, I'll fertilize some grass, sod.

GONDOLIER

I dreamt I was a real gondolier, a gondolier says I, 

I'd sing a song as I pushed along, of love and lullaby,

I made a million gondo trips,

And, paid exclusively from tips,

I know I'll be remembered, because I was a gondola pushing guy,

SOCIAL MEDIA AI TECHIES DO THEIR BEST WORK ON THE TOILET

There are thousands of "lonely", "pretty girls", who want to follow me on the former, Twitter,

They must be awfully lonely, with no self-esteem, because I am vicious, mean and bitter,

Alas, the girls are AI,

Purposed for to corporate spy,

No doubt, these fictions are created by some ambitious tech lad, while sitting on a shitter.

TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS, OR YOU'LL END UP DEAD LIKE ME

First thing, I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills,

I ended up cold dead, because of just mundane, life thrills,

A morning fight with my mate,

My subway train was real late,

At my job review, my boss said, I lacked critical skills,

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

6000 POSTS ON LIMERICKS AND STUFF BY LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

I HAVE PUBLISHED 6000 POSTS ON THIS SITE

Thank you for visiting me and making this site an international success.  

I would also like to acknowledge some of my pseudonym names:  Tim Colin, Ted Colin, Mike Colin, Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel and Gerrard. 

Enjoy browsing on this site and others I have created.  My sites are all free to read and browse.  You do not need a subscription to access any posts.  Feel free to use "search" to quickly locate a subject that interests you.

Again, I thank everyone who has over the years, visited this site.  I would not have kept publishing these many years, if it were not for your visitations.

Chum's Corners Townie

I went to the town of Chum's Corners, it is my less than three, <3

It's where I buy my cookies and milk, for my afternoon tea,

Did the pinball arcade,

Sharpened the chainsaw blade,

 Nice day for me and townie ilk, except my sting from that bee. 

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

PARKER LIKED OYSTERS AND CLAIMS, BUT SNAILS WERE LESS CONFUSING

At the beach, sometimes Parker picked up oysters, sometimes Parker picked up clams,

Sometimes Parker noticed Davids, sometimes parker noticed Pams,

Parker didn't know what to do,

So, Parker said, "toot a loo",

Then Parker went up the beach to pick up snails, all of them were Sams. 

THERE BE SCABIES HERE

My little brother had itchy scabies, they were thick as they could be

I told my brother to stay away, and keep his scabies off of me,

If only took a few,

Now, I'm infected too,

Our mean, crazy sister got away from us by climbing up a tree.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

32822

I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

31822

FINGER STUBS AND MY RECKONING WITH CHOPIN

Chopin cut off all my fingers because of the noise I made,

He said no amount of his lessons would give my talent aid,

Now, with just my 10 finger stubs,

I work at the gym giving rubs,

I fixed Chopin; the last lesson he gave me, I never paid.

VINCENT PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE

Vincent played the saxophone,
He was completely deaf to tone,
He sounded like Jazz,
But, had no pizzazz,
For pay they would throw him a bone.

82821

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

5218

MASTERS OF THE CHEAT: WINNERS IN THE NEW ORDER

No good jobs, no work, no money to survive,

It is tough finding the stuff to stay alive,

But, while my honest soul grieves,

Neighbors rejoice, being thieves,

They spent their lives learning skills to cheat and kanive.