DISAPPEARING KOI: THE SPLEEN KILLER

Algae turned my backyard, fish pond, dark green,

And, my cute koi I had not today, seen,

I took a quick dive in

Got a bite on my skin,

It got infected, and I lost my spleen.

THE BARTERING AND THE TICK WHACKING MASON

I hired a local mason to lay me Chicago bricks,

I paid him with real green firewood, and a whole bunch of sticks,

He built a solid brick wall,

I knew it would never fall,

He enjoyed his firewood, and used the sticks for whacking ticks. 

MOM UNHAPPY

I fried some corn kernels, in some ghee, and my homemade apple butter,

I poured all the fried corn in a bowel, and I served it to my mutter,

She yelled, and said it was my fault,

For never adding enough salt,

Ma said the kernels were hard, so I gave her a knife for a cutter.

A FUSS OVER A DEAD PAPER RAT

Sue used her new origami skills, to fold a paper dead rat,

Sue placed the paper rat under her ex-husbands fedora, hat,

Her ex grabbed his hat to go,

Saw the rat, and backed up slow,

Then, he ran out to his sports car; Sue's villainy, he did not know.

TRINA'S CHRISTMAS TRINKET SALE

Trina spent her whole year making tiny gold, Christmas trinkets to sell,17

Each trinket was a painted, plastic elf, and it sold very well,17

She only sold boy elves,

But, they flew off the shelves,

How to tell if a someone has exquisite taste? If they have Trina's Trinkets, that's how one tells.

SKUNK VS BEAR

I walked into the forest, and witnessed a rabbit being eaten by a bear,

The enormous bear ate the entire rabbit, including the claws, ears and hair,

The bear looked my way,

I stood tailed up that day,

But, the big bad bear ran away from my glare; I'm a skunk and my weapon is air.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE WECKONING

I built a giant rocket ship, but up to planet mars, it would not go,

It was unbelievably too heavy; its resulting liftoff, too slow,

We whittled the spaceship down,

Launched it in parts, from the ground,

Once assembled in space, we rocketed to mars, and stole the Martian's doe.

MAMA'S WAY: BE DECISIVE WHEN HANDLING LIFE'S PROBLEMS

I keep trudging on, because I always think there is some hope,

My mama told me that type of thinking, makes me a big dope,

Mama did not have a single care,

She was an aggressive grisly bear,

She ate anyone who upset her, that's how she learned to cope.

LISTEN TO YOUR CANDY CANE

I'm a little, green striped, candy cane,

I've got a real, human, working brain,

The tongue licks, they tickle,

I taste like a pickle,

If you think I'm talking, you're insane.

THE MARTIAN WHO WON A TRIP TO GANYMEDE

I won a trip to the moon, Ganymede, and stayed at a 25 star hotel,

Ganymede is a beautiful moon-planet, but it is not managed very well,

Too many people from earth,

All they do is steal and birth,

Ganymede natives need to send earth people back, for their evils, and they smell.

MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER, I WISHED WE HAD NEVER MET

My significant other, gave me a super surprise, significant, final divorce,

My significant other, got a significant settlement, via the court, of course,

My other, got our new house,

I got our dead cats toy mouse,

My significant other gets alimony, but where's my significant income source.

SOMETIMES WE PUNISH THE VICTIM OF A CRIME

I'm a fist sized rock, and I was lying there for years, very peaceful, on the ground,

Some kid grabbed and threw me through a big, glass window; I made a loud, terrible sound,

I was doing nothing on the hard floor,

A policeman came, and moved me once more,

Now, I sit in an evidence room, waiting for the perpetrator to be found.

I SHARED MY FEELINGS FOR THE BOSS; OUT THE DOOR, MY CAREER GOT TOSSED

I had been popping magic gummies all day long,

That got me fired, was I so morally wrong?

I danced a little bit,

The big boss had a fit,

So, I sang the boss a romantic love song.

THE GREASY, STINKY, SIMPLE BOY CAME CLEAN

My grandpa said my hair was too greasy, my grandma said I smell,

They took me out back of the house, and dropped me down their garden well,

They threw me down some soap and said,

Clean yourself from toes to your head

After I came up from the well, I got to ring the dinner bell.

THE DOG WHO DUG TOO MUCH

I'm a doggy and I dig deep in the dirt; I dig in snow,

I'll dig into anything, even where a doggy shouldn't go,

One day, I felt extremely brave,

I dug into a black bear cave,

Doggy meat makes black bear fur shine, and it also makes it grow.

DRAGONS BE THERE

In the great pond, near the new castle, a dragon be there,

Turning green the vast waters, and above, clouding the air,

The great dragon was guarded by clouds,

As he hunted within tourist crowds,

He took many from they're number, yet no one seemed to care.

THE GIANT ANTS, LIKE A HEART ATTACK, CAME FOR ME

Huge ants came pouring out of a twenty foot tall, ant hill,

At first, it was a strange, backyard, observable, rare thrill,

Then the ants covered me,

I was they're meal, you see,

I felt chest pain, and managed to swallow, my last heart pill.

THE ALGAE FROM OUTER SPACE

There is a conspiracy to spread green algae, all over the place,

I found hardened algae in my left nostril, and elsewhere on my face,

Algae covers my teeth and gums,

It's in my brain; I can't math sums,

AI says, the algae comes from invaders, who come from outer space.

HUCKLEBERRY PIE FOR SAYING, "THANK YOU"

I went way out to the swamp bushes to pick huckleberries, today,

I picked 2 pecks of nice big fat ones, then back to home, I made my way,

I had more than enough berries for a pie,

The rest I froze, or left out to solar dry,

The pie was good, and everyone got some, with just a "thank you", to pay.

I'LL BE A DANCING TIKTOK TRILLIONAIRE

I dumped my lifetime of savings into rocket ship stock,

I lost all of my money, now my gold fillings I hock,

I live on oatmeal and beer,

But, I feel a bit of cheer,

I hope to make money from my dancing vids on TikTok.

I CAN MAKE MILLIONS MORE AND FEED THE POOR

Everyday, I notice the many homeless, starving people we pass,

As my driver drives me to social events of my upper, uber class,

Then my brain with social rot,

Thought up a money jackpot,

I could feed the poor and cut yard care costs, by having homeless eat yard grass.

THE ACCOUNTANT WHO THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX, WILL LIVE IN ONE

I once worked hard in school, and earned the credentials of a CPA,

Then, the feds raided my office, and they locked me far, far away,

When my firms debt was mounting,

I used much creative accounting,

I was the company hero, but feds said, the law I didn't obey.

FROM BALER BOY TO TRUCK UNLOADER: THE AMERICAN DREAM

My feet are swollen, my back bones aches, and my legs are throbbing, sore,

My body and my work environment, are in a constant war,

I load and unload semi-truck trailers,

A step up from running cardboard to balers,

My boss, all day, says to pick up the pace, or I'll be out the door.

RETIREMENT: MILLION DOLLAR TV ACTING JOB TO DOING COMMUNITY THEATRE FOR FREE

I was an actor in a Hollywood TV show, when they fired the entire cast,

We had become too old, so they replaced us with kids, who had barely a teenager past.

I'm not saying what the network did was right,

But, the ratings skyrocketed overnight,

Old actors still have Shakespeare community theater; to fit into tights, we'll have to fast.

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Little Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
She is the queen of the fair game wreckers.

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BAD ROOMMATE: THE STORY OF PIGGY PAUL

My dorm room is quickly shrinking, becoming small,

Because of my self absorbed roommate, Piggy Paul,

He orders just pizza meals,

They're delivered on wheels,

Piggy lets the boxes stack up into the hall.

DIJON MAKES POVERTY EDIBLE

The cost of groceries has risen so extremely high,

I mix just some flour and water, and give it a fry,

Cooked flour is such a big blessing,

Just wish I had some salad dressing,

I found some Dijon mustard; I will give that stuff a try.

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

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I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

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ANOTHER FATHER'S DAY IN THE TOILET

Father's Day for my neighbor, was really nasty, and very sad,

All his eleven children,  are incredibly, sinister type, bad,

Spoiled eggs they did take,

To bake their dad a cake,

My neighbor spent the day painting porcelain; one unlucky dad.

CANDY BEARS AND THE DANCING DOG

My little dog, his name is Herman, and Herman loves to dance, 

He will dance a Polish polka or a German waltz, romance,

Herman does the twisty twist,

Celtic dancing in the mist,

Herman can even dance ballet, when in a gummy bear trance.

ZIPPY WINE: POWERED BY ANTIMATTER: ARRIVING AT A STORE NEAR YOU

I am making antimatter in my basement to power my rocket ship,

The energy will power me to fly across the universe zip, zip, zip,

Zippy will be my astronaut name,

Across all worlds I will have fame,

Everywhere, I'll sell my blackberry wine; it's brain quenching for a long trip.

HEMP TEA SECRET RECIPE.

Trina was looking for some pronouns, Trina was looking for some verbs,

Trina was building a sentence, while sipping a steaming, cup of hemp herbs,

Trina had felt her body overtaxed,

Trina was now feeling very relaxed,

Trina wouldn't share her tea recipe; it came from her mom's family, the Serbs.

TRINA'S LITTLE GOLDFISH FOUND OUT HEAVEN WAS FULL OF TURDS

Trina bought a 2 inch long goldfish, and put it in a large casserole bowl,

Trina gave her fish lots to eat, because keeping him healthy was her main goal,

The goldfish bloated up 3 inches wide,

Trina found it floating on its right side,

Trina flushed his body to the septic tank, along with his immortal soul.

CANNED CONTENTS CAN VARY

I bought canned fruit that had some cherries,

Mixed in with pears, grapes and berries,

Imagine, I had to report,

I found a toe with a wart,

So, contents of canned fruit sometimes varies.

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I DRANK WATER FROM THE POND

I drank some water full of algae, and it made me really sick,

They took me to the hospital where they gave me a little prick,

Soon my limbs were flailing,

My enlarged heart was failing,

Then, someone brought a bucket in, so I could give it my last kick.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

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SNOWMOBILE RACE HAIKU HUMOR

Snowmobile, fast, race,
Tree, snowmobile stops, I don’t,
Broken body, ouch!!!

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RANDY THE CINNAMON BUN

There was a cinnamon bun named Randy,
His owner was a young girl named Candy,
Randy tried to jump free,
But, got really dirty,
It was good the garbage was handy.

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I SHOULD HAVE MY PhD, BUT MY AI WAS DRUNK

I fired my new AI, because he staggered to work, drunk,

Both of his green eyes were bloody red, and inwardly, had sunk,

He saw I was real mad,

But, he smirked, that was bad,

Then, when writing my doctoral thesis, he churned out junk.

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HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because of hot apps downloaded in May.

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PROPER WINE ETIQUETTE: THE CHEESE FILLED WIENER STORY

I got my cheese filled wieners, delivered from the wiener store,

I threw them on my old barbeque, and burned them to the core,

If one chased them down with red wine,

They tasted excellently fine,

Those who chased them down with the white, pooped their pants and ate no more.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

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BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

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I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

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FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars, and drank.

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SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

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FEED THE PIGS

I had to go feed my jittery pigs,

I feed them slop filled with butts from my cigs,

Those pigs will deep diggy,

For every ciggy,

I watch and smoke, and I chew on soft figs.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

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SILENCE OF THE CAR PHONE

I thought I would make a car phone,
So, I got a long cord on a loan,
But, the cord didn't reach car,
Now, I'm still in my car,
And, don't even have a dial tone. 

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I CHANGED MY BUSINESS PARTNERS

I decided to change out my business chums,
Because, I couldn't understand their sums,
But, how you choose,
Is why you loose,
I thank goodness for the charity of mums.

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GEORGE TOOK A BOAT OUT ON A LAKE

George took a boat out on a lake, 
To see what big fish he could take, 
The boat started to leak, 
It was a wooden antique, 
George knew he had made a mistake.

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HARD RAIN AND BIG BERRY, JUICY MEATS

My old gravel road, got washed out by the water from the hard rain,

The good thing that came from the flood; my berries had a big juice gain,

My strawberries have nice meat,

They are juicy and real sweet,

Not sure how the neighbor's doing, with that confounded, sugar cane.

THREE SPANISH BROTHERS, THEIR BRIDES AND CANDY BEARS

There were 3 little boy babies, who came from Spain,

They grew up with two parents, in the State Of Maine,

The boys opened a flower shop,

They all got real rich, pop, pop, pop,

They each married ladies, who took gummies for pain.

PART SPOON, PART FORK: SPORK

I started eating all my meals with a thing called spork,

It's kind of like a spoon with one end like a small fork,

The spork don't stab very well,

The spork leaks soup, you can tell,

And, at the end of the day, it won't pull out a cork.

WORKING CLASS CLONES

There are millions of clones wandering our fine city streets,

They work in banks, and stores and restaurants making our eats,

Do the working clones really know?

They're just a piece of so and so,

Someone should tell them, they perform their lives as copied meats.

ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But, Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

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THE DARK SIDE OF GUMMIES

I went to Rotterdam Michigan, where they make the tastiest gummies,

They soften the workload for the busy and ambitious, daddys and mommies,

Beware gummy creep,

It may lull you to sleep,

Some deep, eye, rem sleep is really good, too much deep, rem sleep is for dummies.

CARMEN THE OCTOPUS LIMERICK

Carmen the octopus was no longer charmed,
She was attacked by a shark, and then was disarmed,
But, she got it together,
Her loss of limbs didn't upset her,
She grew new ones, and appeared quite unharmed.🐙

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BARK NO DOG, LAMP NO LIGHT, BUG BITE

My lamp, it just wouldn't light,
I changed the bulb, but still not bright,
So I sat in the dark, 
With a dog who wouldn't bark,
And, bugs that did nothing but bite.

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