TOOTS, FOOTS, LEAVES AND ROOTS: AN ALIEN STORY

There was an alien from Saturn, with a real name of Toots,

She lacked having two, human legs, so they bar nicknamed her foots,

Foots was a fine bar hoping star,

She was different, looked bazaar,

One day, Toots went pee in a park, then sprouted leaves, and dropped roots.

THE LIFE OF A QUANTUM TUNNELER

We are going quantum tunneling, quantum tunneling we will go,

We will move instantly through a wall; how we do it? I do not know,

We quantum tunnel everyday,

Easy work, with executive pay,

Dangerous work, but love the doe; I and friends, Larry, Curly and Moe.

FRAMEMOGGED BY ATTILA THE GORILLA

I went to the local zoo and got framemogged, by a gorilla,

The gorilla had an aggressive name; his name was Attila,

His muscular frame was big, wide,

That made me want to run and hide,

Last time I felt so small, was when I lived with grandma Priscilla.

POPULARITY BASED ON HELIUM

I'm trying to find some helium, because it makes me talk, real silly,

My silly talk is entertaining to my best friends, Ben, Bart and Billy,

I guess helium is rare,

You can't suck it from plain air,

Helium does not come from grandpa, like the gas he makes, eating chili.

END OF THE WORLD PREPARATION, UNDER FIRE

I'm preping for the end of the world to come,

I am being ridiculed, by more than just some,

I've moved into a tent,

With a woodstove and vent,

I hurt, because mom and dad call me a"dum, dum".

IT'S SWATTER TIME

It is spring and it's getting hotter,

It is time to find my fly swatter,

Baby flies are coming out,

They will be chewing about,

And, pooping in my glass of water

HOME EQUITY: IT PUTS GAS IN THE TANK

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank,

First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle Hank,

High gas prices give me depression,

I have an unhappy confession,

My uncle will be losing his home, when I can't make payments to the bank.

I CAN'T GET ANY HELIUM FOR MY SICK GRANDMA

I cannot get any helium, to put in my big, beautiful balloon,

If I can't find some helium, I am going to be unhappy, soon,

I went to the party, balloon store,

They don't sell helium, anymore,

I need to fill a "Get Well" balloon, to take over to my Grandma Boone.

THE TRINA AT THE MALL POEM

Trina and her mom went to visit Tina's daddy, at the old city mall,

Tina's big daddy worked part-time on weekends,  as a mall cop; his name was Paul,

They shared a lunch, soda pop and fries

They said their "see you later", goodbyes,

Trina's daddy does not come home anymore, because mom caught him in some lies.

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

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MY PANSY IS A WORKING GIRL, AT A HOTDOG STAND IN THE PARK

I shaved and dressed up to visit my dear, girl Pansy, in the park,

Pansy works there at a small hotdog stand, long hours, and after dark,

She'll make your hotdog any way you want,

If you don't like her buns, she has a croissant,

Sometimes, I don't order, and walk away, when I see her husband, Mark.

MEAT + RUG = COST OF A SLUG

I went out to my chicken coup, and ran into a big bear,

He had eaten all of my chickens, but I really didn't care,

For the cost of a slug,

I got a bear skin rug,

I barbeque bear meat for the kids;  my bear stake I eat rare.

EOW PREPPER: DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY, MY WAY

I've stored away over 1 1/2 tons of dried rice, beans and potatoes,

I have 7,000 cans of various types of delicious tomatoes,

It took me great time to learn,

About the fuels to burn,

I prepared for the end the right way, but my sister moved down to Barbados.

I WENT TO THE STORE

I went to the store and the prices were  so high,

I complained about prices to the checkout guy,

Then he called the cops, 

They gave me some bops,

I went to the hospital, but I did not die.

THE SQUIRRELS AND THE NERD

My backpack was full of candy bars, filled with chocolate cream,

The squirrels that were following me, had developed a scheme,

I was a nerd, who wore tin braces,

They tied together, my shoelaces,

I tripped and fell down, and my backpack they swarmed, like a bee team.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES MADE A PLAN

Squeaky Squires laid out a detailed business plan,

To sell cheap crap, and become a big, billionaire man,

Squeaky Squires built big box department stores,

Squeaky made millions just by opening doors,

Squeaky grew up eating sardines from a cheap, tin can.

OVER ECONOMICS, I FRET NO MORE

Prices have made my personal economics a huge disaster,

I had to sell my collection of knick knacks, carved from alabaster,

Poverty takes a terrible toll,

I steal food from the neighbor's doggy bowl,

I've been sold into bondage for my debts; hope I have a nice master.

GREET AND TACKLE: SQUEAKY SQUIRES' THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squire's opened dozens and dozens of stores,

They had greeters greeting customers at the front doors,

Greeters were looking for grifters.

Professional shoplifters,

When a thief was spotted, they were wrestled to the floors.

BURGUNDY BLUE RETURNS

It was the return to the city of Burgundy Blue

She was a singer, and dancer and great puppeteer, too.

She knew just how to entertain,

The Genius mind and the half brain,

She would bring down the complete house, in an hour or two.

I'M AN EOW PREPPER.

I'm preparing for the end of the world, nosey ones say,

I've got ninety-five jars of peanut butter, all put away,

I've got a thousand jars of jelly,

Because it fattens a starved belly,

I have a million cans of soda, to clear my throat each day.

IN A SNOW BANK

I slept inside a snowbank, because it is so cold,

It's a hard thing to do, when you're 100 years old,

My increased mortgage, I couldn't pay,

The bank took my small home away,

This may change my future plans, at least how they unfold.

MY DONKEY RAN OFF TO A WARMER CLIMATE

There was a terrible snow blizzard, and my donkey ran far away,

I lost him in the blowing snow, he's in South America, some say,

My donkey was my transport to the village store,

Without him, I can't get groceries, anymore,

My stomach, in one place it won't stay, since I've been eating donkey hay.

THE RETURN OF THE ROBIN RED BREAST

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying,

I was quite tempted and imagined him frying,

Alas, the better angels in me,

Said, "let the red-breasted be free,"

I was appalled, watching the little worms dying.

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I WENT FISHING ON THE IDES OF MARCH

I rowed out upon the bay to fish, on the Ides of March,

I wanted some protein to fry, with my potato starch,

I was caught with some ale,

The police put me in jail,

I stayed there 60 years, and my back bent into an arch.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES' THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squires' put a chip in my brain,

So I could cashier at his store up in Maine,

We sell veggies by weights,

Expired goods with old dates,

I'll be your checkout if you use the fast lane.

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WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in, out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

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HENRY WAS MY DEMON FRIEND

Henry was a little demon; a little demon Henry was,

He always got his hair cut in a fun style, he called a "buzz",

Henry baked a nice pudding cake,

He took it to my cousin's wake,

I asked Henry why he  baked a cake, Henry replied, "just because".

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.

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I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed, and one that's the same from my start,

So, with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain, if I were smart.

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TRINA AND THE PLAYGROUND RECKONING POEM

Trina's shoes are made of itchy plastics, and her clothes are made of plastics too,

Trina is allergic to all plastics, so she scratches all the time, boo hoo!

Trina can't play on the jungle gym,

She's been banned by a bully, named Tim, 

Trina sat and scratched, while on a swing,

Waiting for the recess bell to go, "ring",

Trina, finally had enough, and lost her cool,

She gave Tim a push, and she was banned from the school.

VAMPIRE ON THE BEACH

The vampire was in his coffin, and it was sitting by the great sea,

The coffin was hidden by some bushes, and guarded by a bumblebee,

When darkness came about,

The vampire came out,

Midnight swimmers every night, met the vampire, and eternity.

OFFICE POLITICS AND AI TECH

My bestest friend at work, my coworker, Jerry lost his mathematics job,

The company replaced him with a newborn AI, energy drinking slob,

I don't know what to say,

Jerry lost all his pay,

I know I'm next to go, unless they fire my enemy, the boss, Bob.

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

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I GOT KICKED OUT OF MARCHING BAND

Because my trumpet made an awful tone,

I was forced to play the sousaphone,

Because I ate too much starch,

My body wouldn't march, 

Now I sit in the bleachers, alone.

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BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his trees spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

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OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But, I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

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I'M A SODA POP SHAKER

My soda pop went into my mouth, and jet sprayed out through my nose,

Now, I have soda pop stains upon my brand new, dollar store clothes,

I feel such soda pop, disdain,

And, I've got fizzy in my brain,

I still love shaking up my soda pop, even if my pop blows.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

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I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

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HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brothers Ted, Mike, our colleague Gerrard, and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us, believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil, and come to life after midnight every December, when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank, and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a dog leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago, but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday, and after mid-night, he imagines taking his dog for a walk, so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank, people in the village where he was born believed that in December, when the moon was full, the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains, so he must have been a Highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything, because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation, I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night, and sure enough, there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park, when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.  I then decided to assemble a team to sit out in the cold with me, and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman, and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be, so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be, I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense, besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night, it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted, revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park, and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide, and observe the creature, and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us, so I persuaded my younger brother Mike, that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright, so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation, and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow, and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard, and I hid behind the walls of the snow fort, waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I asked.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know, because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or, was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there, and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act, or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike, we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times, but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then, suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically, like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster, and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand with the top held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster, he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds, Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over, and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad, then I would have been switched a lot, because I have been a very bad boy, several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

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PREPPER MOCKING

I have been prepping for a radioactive, end of the world,

Many stacked pallets of bottled water, and canned food, I have squirreled,

There will come very soon, a reckoning day,

Then, my parents will quit mocking me, I pray,

Perhaps, they'll think of me kindly, as their stomach contents are hurled.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

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MY DOG PATCHES DUG HOLES II

My dog Patches dug a hole to the septic tank,

What he found down there really stank, 

It was the bad smell de jour,

But, Patches enjoyed his sniffing tour,

He licked my face like I was the one he should thank.

112023

MAMA'S SPECIAL HOMEMADE BOLOGNA

I bought 2 goats off the internets, because the goats, they were charming, 

Until, they got lose in my garden, and my garden, they were harming, 

I sent the goats away,

To my mama's to stay,

She turned them into goat bologna, which I found, very alarming.

THE SUN BURNED BRAIN

There was tremendous sunshine, slapping down upon my bare, fleshed skull,

It happened to my cousin Mitch, and he ended up thinking, dull,

Mitch, as the town, dullard thinker,

He became a happy drinker,

Then he'd pass out on the docks, and got pooped on by every gull.

SCHOOL BUDGET CUTS AND THE BAND

They wore loose burgandy shorts and tight, faded, khaki t-shirts,

They were the bare footed marching band, and their feets felt the hurts,

They marched down the street,

With red cuts on their feet,

Afterward, they all went to an eatery, called PIZZA BERT'S

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

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TWO BIRDS FOUGHT OVER THE SAME NEST

Two birds fought over the same nest,
One was a sparrow; the other a robin red breast,
The sparrow was short and relatively small,
The robin big and by comparison tall,
The sparrow retreated because he thought it was best.

91722

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a Coke.

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

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CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

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SLOWLY, THE REPTILES WIN

I have noticed that local snakes, and our creepy lizards are bigger in size,

Their growth awakens an ancient prejudice; a wish for reptilian demise,

My feelings are condemned as a sin,

But, I fear the reptiles may win,

If they start by eating my pets, then my family, that would be no surprise.

SHE OVERCAME A LACK OF TEETH

My girlfriend for the last six or seven fun years, only has one tooth,

But she has a nice model's smile, six by seven Inches my gal, Ruth,

Her one tooth smile, shocks,

Online critics, I blocks,

Ruth has an important job,  in public at a horror, movie ticket booth.

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,

For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,

Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,

Some compete for duration, others win, place or, show,

The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.

It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

022723

ALTERNATIVE EATING

I broke my jaw, and they wired it completely shut,

"I need some food, now", said the ache that came from my gut,

So, I snorkel food through my nose,

Using a thin, long, rubber hose,

But, at the eateries, people must think I'm a nut.

MARCH/SPRING HAIKU

Thinking Spring, bird tweets,
Winter returns, cold, harsh, storm,
Bird tweets?  Bird goes burr!!!!

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WHAT HAPPENED TO FIGARO?

I was once a great opera star, and I sang Figaro,

After decades, I could sing the high notes, but couldn't go down low,

Before I retired, 

I was email fired,

Now, I work as a mall Santa, and I sing "HO, HO, HO, HO".

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

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I FEEL SAD, FOR ALMOST EVERY BAD THING I'VE DONE

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun,

I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done,

I once stole a cookie from mom's jar,

Soaped the windows on dad's car,

I short sheeted big brother's bed, though that was kinda fun.