THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grizzly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

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THE GRIZZLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grizzly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

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POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

1922

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

LOOKS AND LANGUAGE

I slapped on some red lipstick, and penciled in some eyeliner,

I fixed up my cute dog face, and I have never looked finer,

Tight nylons make chubby legs thinner

I am attending a gala dinner,

My big wig hair speaks of confidence, short hair would say, "whiner".   

ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

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THE GRIZZLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grizzly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

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I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

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WE'RE FORCED TO SHARE THE SHACK, WHERE GRANDPA SQUATS FOR FREE

Heat monster, heat monster please go away,

You killed daddy's farm crops, now the family eats hay,

And, a cloud of blowing dust,

Killed daddy's cows, he be bust,

We'll soon move to grandpa's squatter shack on the bay.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

92923

THE SUMMER OF TERROR (2026)

All this heat, and all these rains,

By the both, I'm caused great pains,

When the river overflows,

Then drown, I goes,

The heat boils my liquids, and cooks my brains.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But, if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

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UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

113020

SISTER SANDY: THE OUTDOORS AND CINNAMON BUNS

Sandy is my sister, she lives out on the lakes,

She keeps her home nice and tidy, and cinnamon buns she bakes,

Sandy hunts buck deer, and big bears,

Panthers poop, when at them, she stares,

Happy Birthday Sandy, enjoy the ice creams, and the cakes.

DUMPED DEADBEAT SUE FOR BORN RICH KATE

Sue and I bought some very expensive, big city, real estate,

We both thought we would get a really descent, low interest rate,

But, my sweetie, homie partner, Deadbeat Sue,

Didn't pay her college loan, since 2002,

After that, I found a nice, wealthy, homie partner called, Rich Kate.

SUE AND I HAD GUESTS, WE DID NOT INVITE TO OUR PARTIES

All I had was some chamomile tea,

But, somehow parasites got into me,

I feel better than Sue, 

She turned a dark blue,

She got parasites from apple crunchy.

SANDY'S BLUE BLOOD HUBBY HAD CONTAGION.

Sandy had a real lovey  dovey hubby,

She'd give him an alcohol body rubby,

She would kill all his bugs

For safe kisses and hugs,

Sandy's hubby tended to be bug grubby.  

MYTHICAL HORNED BEASTS DEFEAT BIGLY BEAR

There was a bear in my farm field, chewing on my eared corns,

I sicked on him my dangerous, half feral unicorns,

The bear yawned, and took a great, bigly, bear poop,

He thought he'd be eating unicorn gut soup,

The bear did not reckon on the poison in the uni horns.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

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4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So, I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July, can't be beat.

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I SAW 2 CLOWNS AND A FAIR BEAR

I went to the government fair, and boy, was it boring

There were 2 clowns, and an old bear, and the bear was snoring,

I wished the bear to wakeup,

And, make the 2 clowns his sup,

Then, lightning flashed, and on the way home it started pouring.

LARRY'S PET COW BLOWS NOSE

Larry has a very sick pet cow, it has a hot, runny nose,

Every time the fat cow sneezes, 10 lbs of yellow shot it blows,

The sneezing started late yesterday,

The cow was gorging on fresh cut hay,

The cow might be poisoned; she drank water from a crop duster hose.

MY AI IS AN ALCOHOLIC

My new AI came to work stinking drunk, today,

He would not do anything, on my screen he lay,

Should I rat, and tell my boss,

Mr. AI will get the toss,

Maybe I'll blackmail AI, then I'll get my way.

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

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SNOOKEY THE SHARK LIVES IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Snookey the Shark lives in Grand Traverse Bay,

She eats every swimmer that swims in her way,

But, every Fourth of July,

She eats every swimmer, oh my,

Then, she burps for the rest of the day.

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SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

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WHEN HUNGRY, I LOOK UNDER THE LAWNMOWER

I had nothing more to eat, but a slice of stale moldy bread,

I looked under the lawnmower, and found there a meal, instead,

There was snakeskin with some sticky meat,

And, cut grass with clover; what a treat,

I ate something; had two eyes; it was all red, fury and dead. 

UNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grizzly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

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FOR THE LOVE OF LARRY: FAT COW ON THE PRAIRIE

I rode my horse out onto the prairie to find a lost cow,

It was my kid Larry's loving pet; I wanted a bow wow,

I spied the cow running through tall, brown grass,

A grizzly bear was chasing the cow mass,

I saved the fat cow with my rifle skill, only one shot, POW!

DISAPPEARING KOI: THE SPLEEN KILLER

Algae turned my backyard, fish pond, dark green,

And, my cute koi I had not today, seen,

I took a quick dive in

Got a bite on my skin,

It got infected, and I lost my spleen.

THE BARTERING AND THE TICK WHACKING MASON

I hired a local mason to lay me Chicago bricks,

I paid him with real green firewood, and a whole bunch of sticks,

He built a solid brick wall,

I knew it would never fall,

He enjoyed his firewood, and used the sticks for whacking ticks. 

MOM UNHAPPY

I fried some corn kernels, in some ghee, and my homemade apple butter,

I poured all the fried corn in a bowel, and I served it to my mutter,

She yelled, and said it was my fault,

For never adding enough salt,

Ma said the kernels were hard, so I gave her a knife for a cutter.

A FUSS OVER A DEAD PAPER RAT

Sue used her new origami skills, to fold a paper dead rat,

Sue placed the paper rat under her ex-husbands fedora, hat,

Her ex grabbed his hat to go,

Saw the rat, and backed up slow,

Then, he ran out to his sports car; Sue's villainy, he did not know.

TRINA'S CHRISTMAS TRINKET SALE

Trina spent her whole year making tiny gold, Christmas trinkets to sell,17

Each trinket was a painted, plastic elf, and it sold very well,17

She only sold boy elves,

But, they flew off the shelves,

How to tell if a someone has exquisite taste? If they have Trina's Trinkets, that's how one tells.

SKUNK VS BEAR

I walked into the forest, and witnessed a rabbit being eaten by a bear,

The enormous bear ate the entire rabbit, including the claws, ears and hair,

The bear looked my way,

I stood tailed up that day,

But, the big bad bear ran away from my glare; I'm a skunk and my weapon is air.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE WECKONING

I built a giant rocket ship, but up to planet mars, it would not go,

It was unbelievably too heavy; its resulting liftoff, too slow,

We whittled the spaceship down,

Launched it in parts, from the ground,

Once assembled in space, we rocketed to mars, and stole the Martian's doe.

MAMA'S WAY: BE DECISIVE WHEN HANDLING LIFE'S PROBLEMS

I keep trudging on, because I always think there is some hope,

My mama told me that type of thinking, makes me a big dope,

Mama did not have a single care,

She was an aggressive grizzly bear,

She ate anyone who upset her, that's how she learned to cope.

LISTEN TO YOUR CANDY CANE

I'm a little, green striped, candy cane,

I've got a real, human, working brain,

The tongue licks, they tickle,

I taste like a pickle,

If you think I'm talking, you're insane.

THE MARTIAN WHO WON A TRIP TO GANYMEDE

I won a trip to the moon, Ganymede, and stayed at a 25 star hotel,

Ganymede is a beautiful moon-planet, but it is not managed very well,

Too many people from earth,

All they do is steal and birth,

Ganymede natives need to send earth people back, for their evils, and they smell.

MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER, I WISHED WE HAD NEVER MET

My significant other, gave me a super surprise, significant, final divorce,

My significant other, got a significant settlement, via the court, of course,

My other, got our new house,

I got our dead cats toy mouse,

My significant other gets alimony, but where's my significant income source.

SOMETIMES WE PUNISH THE VICTIM OF A CRIME

I'm a fist sized rock, and I was lying there for years, very peaceful, on the ground,

Some kid grabbed and threw me through a big, glass window; I made a loud, terrible sound,

I was doing nothing on the hard floor,

A policeman came, and moved me once more,

Now, I sit in an evidence room, waiting for the perpetrator to be found.

I SHARED MY FEELINGS FOR THE BOSS; OUT THE DOOR, MY CAREER GOT TOSSED

I had been popping magic gummies all day long,

That got me fired, was I so morally wrong?

I danced a little bit,

The big boss had a fit,

So, I sang the boss a romantic love song.

THE GREASY, STINKY, SIMPLE BOY CAME CLEAN

My grandpa said my hair was too greasy, my grandma said I smell,

They took me out back of the house, and dropped me down their garden well,

They threw me down some soap and said,

Clean yourself from toes to your head

After I came up from the well, I got to ring the dinner bell.

THE DOG WHO DUG TOO MUCH

I'm a doggy and I dig deep in the dirt; I dig in snow,

I'll dig into anything, even where a doggy shouldn't go,

One day, I felt extremely brave,

I dug into a black bear cave,

Doggy meat makes black bear fur shine, and it also makes it grow.

DRAGONS BE THERE

In the great pond, near the new castle, a dragon be there,

Turning green the vast waters, and above, clouding the air,

The great dragon was guarded by clouds,

As he hunted within tourist crowds,

He took many from they're number, yet no one seemed to care.

THE GIANT ANTS, LIKE A HEART ATTACK, CAME FOR ME

Huge ants came pouring out of a twenty foot tall, ant hill,

At first, it was a strange, backyard, observable, rare thrill,

Then the ants covered me,

I was they're meal, you see,

I felt chest pain, and managed to swallow, my last heart pill.

THE ALGAE FROM OUTER SPACE

There is a conspiracy to spread green algae, all over the place,

I found hardened algae in my left nostril, and elsewhere on my face,

Algae covers my teeth and gums,

It's in my brain; I can't math sums,

AI says, the algae comes from invaders, who come from outer space.

HUCKLEBERRY PIE FOR SAYING, "THANK YOU"

I went way out to the swamp bushes to pick huckleberries, today,

I picked 2 pecks of nice big fat ones, then back to home, I made my way,

I had more than enough berries for a pie,

The rest I froze, or left out to solar dry,

The pie was good, and everyone got some, with just a "thank you", to pay.

I'LL BE A DANCING TIKTOK TRILLIONAIRE

I dumped my lifetime of savings into rocket ship stock,

I lost all of my money, now my gold fillings I hock,

I live on oatmeal and beer,

But, I feel a bit of cheer,

I hope to make money from my dancing vids on TikTok.

I CAN MAKE MILLIONS MORE AND FEED THE POOR

Everyday, I notice the many homeless, starving people we pass,

As my driver drives me to social events of my upper, uber class,

Then my brain with social rot,

Thought up a money jackpot,

I could feed the poor and cut yard care costs, by having homeless eat yard grass.

THE ACCOUNTANT WHO THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX, WILL LIVE IN ONE

I once worked hard in school, and earned the credentials of a CPA,

Then, the feds raided my office, and they locked me far, far away,

When my firms debt was mounting,

I used much creative accounting,

I was the company hero, but feds said, the law I didn't obey.

FROM BALER BOY TO TRUCK UNLOADER: THE AMERICAN DREAM

My feet are swollen, my back bones aches, and my legs are throbbing, sore,

My body and my work environment, are in a constant war,

I load and unload semi-truck trailers,

A step up from running cardboard to balers,

My boss, all day, says to pick up the pace, or I'll be out the door.

RETIREMENT: MILLION DOLLAR TV ACTING JOB TO DOING COMMUNITY THEATRE FOR FREE

I was an actor in a Hollywood TV show, when they fired the entire cast,

We had become too old, so they replaced us with kids, who had barely a teenager past.

I'm not saying what the network did was right,

But, the ratings skyrocketed overnight,

Old actors still have Shakespeare community theater; to fit into tights, we'll have to fast.

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Little Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
She is the queen of the fair game wreckers.

62622

 

BAD ROOMMATE: THE STORY OF PIGGY PAUL

My dorm room is quickly shrinking, becoming small,

Because of my self absorbed roommate, Piggy Paul,

He orders just pizza meals,

They're delivered on wheels,

Piggy lets the boxes stack up into the hall.

DIJON MAKES POVERTY EDIBLE

The cost of groceries has risen so extremely high,

I mix just some flour and water, and give it a fry,

Cooked flour is such a big blessing,

Just wish I had some salad dressing,

I found some Dijon mustard; I will give that stuff a try.

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

101423

ANOTHER FATHER'S DAY IN THE TOILET

Father's Day for my neighbor, was really nasty, and very sad,

All his eleven children,  are incredibly, sinister type, bad,

Spoiled eggs they did take,

To bake their dad a cake,

My neighbor spent the day painting porcelain; one unlucky dad.

CANDY BEARS AND THE DANCING DOG

My little dog, his name is Herman, and Herman loves to dance, 

He will dance a Polish polka or a German waltz, romance,

Herman does the twisty twist,

Celtic dancing in the mist,

Herman can even dance ballet, when in a gummy bear trance.