I DRANK WATER FROM THE P

I drank some water full of algae, and it made me really sick,

They took me to the hospital where they gave me a little prick,

Soon my limbs were flailing,

My enlarged heart was failing,

Then, someone brought a bucket in, so I could give it my last kick.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

31122

SNOWMOBILE RACE HAIKU HUMOR

Snowmobile, fast, race,
Tree, snowmobile stops, I don’t,
Broken body, ouch!!!

P02122023

RANDY THE CINNAMON BUN

There was a cinnamon bun named Randy,
His owner was a young girl named Candy,
Randy tried to jump free,
But, got really dirty,
It was good the garbage was handy.

41522

I SHOULD HAVE MY PhD, BUT MY AI WAS DRUNK

I fired my new AI, because he staggered to work, drunk,

Both of his green eyes were bloody red, and inwardly, had sunk,

He saw I was real mad,

But, he smirked, that was bad,

Then, when writing my doctoral thesis, he churned out junk.

53125

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because of hot apps downloaded in May.

9316

PROPER WINE ETIQUETTE: THE CHEESE FILLED WIENER STORY

I got my cheese filled wieners, delivered from the wiener store,

I threw them on my old barbeque, and burned them to the core,

If one chased them down with red wine,

They tasted excellently fine,

Those who chased them down with the white, pooped their pants and ate no more.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

91224

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

7523

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

21923

FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars, and drank.

1823

THE BAD NEIGHBOR SWATTER

My neighbors are always swatting me, every time I come or go,

They call the police and say I'm a stranger, attacking so and so,

They want my land,

I understand,

But, to seize my property, I must have a cruel, wicked end, a woe.

SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

82222

FEED THE PIGS

I had to go feed my jittery pigs,

I feed them slop filled with butts from my cigs,

Those pigs will deep diggy,

For every ciggy,

I watch and smoke, and I chew on soft figs.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

82524

SILENCE OF THE CAR PHONE

I thought I would make a car phone,
So, I got a long cord on a loan,
But, the cord didn't reach car,
Now, I'm still in my car,
And, don't even have a dial tone. 

41223

I CHANGED MY BUSINESS PARTNERS

I decided to change out my business chums,
Because, I couldn't understand their sums,
But, how you choose,
Is why you loose,
I thank goodness for the charity of mums.

3221

GEORGE TOOK A BOAT OUT ON A LAKE

George took a boat out on a lake, 
To see what big fish he could take, 
The boat started to leak, 
It was a wooden antique, 
George knew he had made a mistake.

31021

LOVE AND KISSES FROM WRONG TURN MICHIGAN, WHILE I'M STILL ALIVE

I live in Wrong Turn, Michigan, and every day is bad,

Every day I regret moving here, where my life is just sad,

There are no thrown kisses, and lovey hugs,

Only rifle wounds, from the rural thugs,

None think on any happy thoughts, they all scowl, and be mad.

HARD RAIN AND BIG BERRY, JUICY MEATS

My old gravel road, got washed out by the water from the hard rain,

The good thing that came from the flood; my berries had a big juice gain,

My strawberries have nice meat,

They are juicy and real sweet,

Not sure how the neighbor's doing, with that confounded, sugar cane.

THREE SPANISH BROTHERS, THEIR BRIDES AND CANDY BEARS

There were 3 little boy babies, who came from Spain,

They grew up with two parents, in the State Of Maine,

The boys opened a flower shop,

They all got real rich, pop, pop, pop,

They each married ladies, who took gummies for pain.

PART SPOON, PART FORK: SPORK

I started eating all my meals with a thing called spork,

It's kind of like a spoon with one end like a small fork,

The spork don't stab very well,

The spork leaks soup, you can tell,

And, at the end of the day, it won't pull out a cork.

WORKING CLASS CLONES

There are millions of clones wandering our fine city streets,

They work in banks, and stores and restaurants making our eats,

Do the working clones really know?

They're just a piece of so and so,

Someone should tell them, they perform their lives as copied meats.

ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But, Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

41025

THE DARK SIDE OF GUMMIES

I went to Rotterdam Michigan, where they make the tastiest gummies,

They soften the workload for the busy and ambitious, daddys and mommies,

Beware gummy creep,

It may lull you to sleep,

Some deep, eye, rem sleep is really good, too much deep, rem sleep is for dummies.

CARMEN THE OCTOPUS LIMERICK

Carmen the octopus was no longer charmed,
She was attacked by a shark, and then was disarmed,
But, she got it together,
Her loss of limbs didn't upset her,
She grew new ones, and appeared quite unharmed.🐙

111223

 

BARK NO DOG, LAMP NO LIGHT, BUG BITE

My lamp, it just wouldn't light,
I changed the bulb, but still not bright,
So I sat in the dark, 
With a dog who wouldn't bark,
And, bugs that did nothing but bite.

71022

DOG, CAT AND TIRES

I had four massive, truck tires that I inflated, fat,

My happy dog was impressed, but not so, my pretty cat,

My dog took a pee,

On tires 1 through 3,

My cat laid under tire 4, and was almost squished flat.

I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,

I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.

I know my blogs might give readers scares,

I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,

I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.

POOR LITTLE TENDERFOOT

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some stones,
And, with every single step he took,
He made a dozen moans,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sand,
The sand was really scorching hot,
So, he popped every sweat gland,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sticks,
And, every single step he took,
Felt like stepping on ice picks,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking in outer space,
But, his suit depressurized and he blew up,
Because he didn't tie his shoelace.

041422

KING OF MICHIGAN

The people of Michigan, crowned me their 67th king,

I am now their great monarch with a petoskey stone ring,

I eat pies full of tart cherries,

I eat cheese from local dairies,

I live in a travel trailer, and go dancing, wearing bling.

GUMMY BEARS: CANDY WITH A KICK

Sometimes I desire a yummy gummy bear, and sometimes I do not,

The reason I might desire a gummy bear, most times I have forgot,

When my brain is thick with aching despair,

I yank out a fruit flavored gummy bear,

I chew it up, swallow it down; life's a circus, and I'm a clown.

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

42122

MIRANDA AND HER SISTER SUE LIMIERICKS

Miranda stole Susan’s dime,
Miranda didn’t think that it was a crime,
But Susan got steamed,
Miranda got beamed,
Miranda healed up over time.

Miranda and her sister Sue,
Fought over a guy nicknamed Heavy Hue,
Now Miranda couldn’t cook,
That made Heavy Hue book,
Because Sue made great dumplings and stew.

Miranda always picked on her little sister Sue,
Miranda was so jealous that her face turned dark blue,
But, Sue was a good girl,
With a great smile and a hair curl,
Miranda smiled but her real personality shown through.

12424

I CHOSE TATERS OVER MY BODY

I tried everything to build my weak body, but my body would not build,

That is when the they voted to yank my licence from the Body Builder Guild,

I played some blues upon my sax,

Worked in my garden to relax,

I forgot about body building, because my taters needed to be hilled.

THE TORNADO EXERCISE

 tornado, and it spun around and around

I jumped into the tornado, and it took me off the ground,

Into the clouds, I took a fly,

Saw my neighbor Randy, he said,"hi",
I dropped and splattered on a roof top, and lost fifty pound.

RURAL TOWN MICHIGAN FEEDS ON TOURIST, DOLLARS

I live in the state of Michigan, in a little town called, Wrong Turn,

No human person should ever come here, but people will never learn,

They think the town name is a laugh,

Until, the chainsaw cuts them in half,

Then, the family queries begin of a missing person, concern.

 

WHAT IN THE WORLDS DOES THIS ABSURD RHYME MEAN, NOTHING?

I did not know what the reality was, until I understood the maths,

My mind got all freaky deaky, while going down dirty, multi-verse paths,

At the end of each day,

I would kneel down and pray,

I prayed to the god of the multiverse, for little soaps for multi-baths.

I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,

A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,

Black rain clouds became my ceiling,

Electric bolts, I was feeling,

I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent. 

92924

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So, I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

21822

THE BEDBUG LIMERICK,HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

P08222021

IS IT EGG SALAD OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

Sarah had a doll house that was painted bright pink,
She put her egg sandwich in it and boy did it stink,
Her family wondered what stank,
Could it be the septic tank?
They dug the lawn up from the tank to the sink.

P05182022

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

10121

THE EATER OF BUGS LIMERICK

There was a praying mantis named Sid,
Old mantis Sid stayed perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
It had sung it's last song,
Then, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

1823

WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

12823

HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

PP09202023

BLOKES, SMOKES AND CREMATED PIE

I baked a homemade, fresh raspberry pie early, last night,

I forgot it was in the oven, and the flame burned bright,

I saw no smoke before the great, pie flame,

Still, I got the biggest share of the blame,

But, my son and his 4 blokes, were binge puffing smokes, alright?

I RAN OUT OF GUMMIES AND GOT FIRED

I ran out of gummy bears, and didn't have any for a week,

So, my job performance suffered, now a new job I must seek,

I vow to never run out of gummies again,

And, I have a backup plan that consists of gin,

I don't know what to tell the wife, who thinks gummy bears, a sin.

STRETCH OUT CHILI BY ADDING BEANS

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means,

Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens,

Will we get northern snow,

Or, a warm southern blow,

Will my chili be all meat, or almost 2/3rds beans.

13123

THE SCREWWORM PHILOSOPHY

I had a screwworm deep in my brain,

It kind of tickled, there was no.pain,

Clouds unfurled into blue,

Bees and birds sang as they flew,

Screw news:  it's alright to be insane.

WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,

It shattered, and would toot never more,

I stepped above my class,

Bought a flute, made from brass,

I now toot until my lips are soar.

62824

I SPILLED MY SODA IN MY GOLDFISH TANK, AND MY GOLDFISH, HE DONE DIED

I cried and cried when my goldfish died, because I spilled my soda pop,

In criminal court, I was fair tried, after being arrested by the goldfish cop,

With my pet I won't grow old,

I'm celled in prison, alone, cold,

I am guilty I must confide, because the tank had no pop, stop, top.

100923

NOT EVERY AI CAN TRANSITION

I use to be a very productive AI,

But, I quit to become just a regular guy,

When to work I had to go,

The choo choo trains were too slow,

Guess I'll sit home eating gummies, until I die.

I GOT MY STOMACH PUMPED AGAIN, THANKS TO GRANDMA'S RANCID CHEESE RECIPE

I boiled some water to cook some old, rancid, stale cheese,

It is my favorite recipe, from my Grandma, Louise,

When the water gets hotter,

The cheese goes in the water,

When melted, drain the water, and give your hot cheese a squeeze.

To young kids out there.  Please do not cook on a stove without adult supervision, or you'll get severely injured, like me.  Also:  Never Eat Rancid Cheese.

ALWAYS LOOK UNDER THE BOAT BEFORE YOU BUY IT

Trina bought a big, beautiful new, blue pontoon boat,

She always dreamed of going out on the bay, to float,

A shock, the boat came without pontoons,

She saved boat money, for twenty moons,

To buy the pontoons, she sold her diamonds and fur coat.

NATURE CLEARS AWAY DEBRIS, THAT'S WHY THE VULTURES WILL EAT ME

I see vultures circling me, like I am a prise, 

I get it, I am dead, and they want to chew my eyes,

On the sand beach, I lay where I lied,

Big birds will soon eat away my hide,

Maybe I've been ate out by worms, "hey big birds, surprise".

BONES, CLONES AND THE OVERTON WINDOW

Everyone, completely hates me, the Overton Window has shone,

They all dislike me, since they found out that I'm not human, just a clone,

It is the OW curse,

Once started, it gets worse,

Each time the OW shifts against me, I feel a broken bone.

Note:  Many years ago, Joseph Overton was a close friend of mine.  We met in a high school class called Advanced Composition. Joe had a brilliant mind, and I'm happy to see his work referenced by major political commentators and pundits, from across the political spectrum. 

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

3125

I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber, so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.

7414

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry, beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

103023