ON MY SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN SQUATS A BEAR

I went to my side of the large mountain, where cougars said I could stay,

They always let me stay there all winter, until the first week of May,

But when I got there,

There lived a big bear, 

He was squatting there; he ate my wife and my kid, then chased me away.

THE WITCH WHO LIKES PICKING HER NOSE

There is a big ring around the rosey,

A wicked witch is picking her nosey,

It starts to fast bleed,

The witch drinks some mead,

Then washes off the blood with a hosey.

NO MERCY FOR MY FOOD

I caught a big bullfrog, so I could eat some tasty, yummy froggy legs,

He looked me in the eye; that is the way a sophisticated frog begs,
He made me feel really blue

His legs still went in my stew,

I had the same problem with a carp, when I made caviar from its eggs.

Rubber Tires Made Ruben's Berries Stinky

Ruben ate some raspberries, but they were not edible good,

Ruben picked the raspberries near the pallet dumpster, full of wood,

These berries tasted like tires,

Then Ruben remembered fires,

Ruben's berries had been tire stinked, that's what Ruben understood. 

I'M A BACKWOODS CHAUVINIST PIG, BUT I AM HAPPY

I went into the backwoods, when I was 23, 

I built a log cabin; each log was a timbered tree, 

Then ordered a mail order wife,

With 2, I got a filet knife,

I hunt and fish all day; it's the gentry life for me.

THE ENTERPRISE LOST A CAPTAIN

The Captain has left us, yes he did,

He's beyond all stars; way off the grid,

May his last deployment,

Bring the Captain enjoyment,

His home now, from us is hid.

Patrick Stewart, a great icon of science fiction has passed.  Night after night, Patrick Stewart lifted us up out of our mundane lives, and took us to where no one has gone before. By doing that, Patrick Stewart made our world, my world, a better place.

Leigh Collin Brandt

WE WILL CANDY COAT OUR SUMMER BARF

In the public restroom near the pier,

I could smell barfed pizza and puky beer,
The smell of remains,

From last night's lost gains, 

Summer beach party memories, which we'll hold dear.

TRUCK DRIVER THOUGHTS

They were hungry in Huston Texas, and hungry in Canadian Montreal,

They were hungry in Davenport Michigan, where there are no davenports at all,

The sofa is their davenport,

Say different, you'll be in court,

While I'm driving, trucking food across North America, my mind wanders, that's all.

WHEN NEAR A WICKED WITCH, BEWARE THE NOSE THAT MAKES A TWITCH

Everywhere I go in the food markets, I keep running into a witch,

I run fast to get away from her, before her nose begins a cast spell twitch,

I don't need any magic spells,

I take my vitamin pill jells,

Methinks I have been bigly spelled upon, because I have a full body itch.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

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WINKING ROUGE IN THE MORGUE

Lawyer says, I'm going to be publicly executed, next year,

I winked at an upscale bar, waitress in front of her husband, her dear,

Her husband is old, but has money,

He is that type of bitter honey,

Me, I'm pretty, and young, and make money, but I spend it on good beer.

THE PETOSKEY STONE LIMERICK, FESTIVAL AND CELL PHONE WARNING

My shinny Petoskey stone, 
Made of something; maybe coral or bone,
I found one on the beach, 
And what did it teach,
Watch out for water if you drop your cell phone.

BAY MISERY HOSPITAL: Providing The Same Quality Of Healthcare In Michigan Since 1632

I went to the ER, and boy is that hospital cheap and creepy,

You pee in an empty Crisco can, and there's no place to go sleepy,

You stand all night in a hall,

Listening to grandmas bawl,

Sick bodies faint to the floor, and the dead pile up in a heapee.

MY TRAVELS THIS YEAR

My company sent me to Bolivia,

Then transferred me to Japan,

Then they moved me to Idaho, 

Where I eat beans out of a can,

It seems that I am always on the go,

I traveled to Flint to bury Uncle Joe,

But I opened his urn and away he did blow,

I did supper in Saginaw on taters and doe,

Glad to leave Michigan where road conditions cause woe,

I CHOOSE THAT MY MONSTER NOT SHOW UP

I got in my little fishing boat, and I sailed out into the sun bath on the great sea,

I was going to catch some tasty tuna fishes, to fry in my mommy's special ghee,

My crew was huddled, in despair,

They knew a monster was out there,

They were all looking far beyond our small boat, for an island with a tall, protecting tree,

On that long day, we didn't catch a single fish, which foretold a success that would never be,

We paid the price of a days living lost, spent precious time with no profitability,

Then a low heart pounding sound came in with the dark, then a fog so icy, so icy cold,

Dark vapors were breathed in, and settled in the brain of each man, his death the vapors foretold,

Then came the first scream, then came the first holler, repeated on deck and below the plank floors,

The crew were terrified and ran from deck to deck, nailing shut all the windows and doors,

My crew had a premonition of their end in sight,

The crewmembers fell down dead from a heart seizing fright,

I was the only survivor, and I survived by greeting the monsters with my mighty snores.

I MAKE A SPECIAL PRODUCT FOR THOSE WHO CAN PAY

I am a frail little old man, living in the back county woods,

I grow a special little garden to supply rich neighborhoods,

I make this very rare, special jam,

By cooking turnips, corn smut and ham,

The wealthy think it is so good, they have their cooks put it in puds.

MY DIET IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL GEOMETRY; NO MATTER WHAT I DO I STILL FAIL

Somethings make me wide across the belly, others make fat my feet,

I've explored and failed at many types of diets; what should I eat?

I starve and live a life of fat and despair,

I've gained tons of pounds just breathing air,

Skinny folks eat plates of greasy French fries; life is not karma fair.

THIS VEGAN IS THE PIG

I really wanted to become a vegan, just so I could eat real cheap,

Then I could afford gas for my truck, then I'd drive around honking, "beep, beep",

I cooked up a bowel of long rice,

Added salt and pepper; tasted nice,

I fried the rice in virgin olive oil; pigged it down and fell asleep.

THE OLD MAN AND THE TRIPE GRIPE

I had not a penny to buy my supper, at "The Pipe",

I needed 80,000 to buy some ketchup and tripe,

" The Pipe", is the local bar and grill,

The tripe comes from only fresh roadkill,

That way the Scotsman, Old Macdonald, doesn't have a gripe.

METAL MAN AND HIS DENT

I have chunks of piggy iron in my blood,

That's why when I slip and fall, I make a thud,

Sometimes, I dent my shinny tin,

Tin is what folks call their owned skin,

I dented my skin, when I slipped on some crud.

THE SQUIRREL WENT ANTIQUING, BUT HE WASN'T INTO BARBIE DOLLS

The cat dragged my Barbie doll, way up to the top of a tall tree,

It was appraised to be really valuable, age 63,

Then along came a brawny squirrel,

He grabbed the doll; gave her a hurl,

The doll flew up into the sky, and fell into the deep, blue sea.

SOMEONE CALLED ME A GIT ON MY BIRTHDAY, AND LIKE SHERLOCK, I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

Someone wrote about me today, calling me a wanker, and a little git,

I figure they must be from Great Britain, because that sounds like it's English Writ,     

First of all, I have to take a tea pause,

And admit there is not a Santa Claus,

If there were a Santa, you'd find in your stocking, a 3 liter Santa zit.

Thanks to all my loving family members living in Great Britain, for all the cards festooned with loving wishes, that I'm sure you considered sending me.  Oh Dear, if only the postage was cheaper. Of course, an email with an emoji would have been nice, ma.

Leigh Collin Brandt

THE EARTH IS FULL OF POISONOUS SNAKES, BUT IN HEAVEN THERE ARE NO TOADS

I dug a pit to catch a pet toad eating, giant rattlesnake,

I had no bait for the pit, so I fresh baked a spongy cupcake,

In the cupcake center I placed a small toad,

I figured the snake would smell the toad abode,

The snake slithered up from behind me. Toads are in heaven? That's fake.

I HAD A BANJO ON MY KNEE, THEN I WAS FIRE FIGHTING ON THE SEA

I was playing with my big, silver banjo, while it was sitting on my bum knee,

When the snow covered roof of my little, trashy trailer caved in on top of me,

Then my world became all wavy,

I dreamt I was back in the navy,

I was shooting a machine gun at incoming planes, out on the silicon sea.

I BOUGHT A DIESEL PICKUP TRUCK; WHAT A DEAL

I just bought a big, snow white, diesel, pickup truck, and I got it incredibly, super cheap,

I thought something might be wrong with the cheap vehicle I bought, but it starts, and the horn goes beep,

Then I went to buy some local, diesel gas,

It was so expensive, I wanted to pass,

I know I'll be giving up my delivery job, and will walk to my barber college class.

THE TAIL OF DALE LET DALE SET SAIL

I had this neighbor, down the road, his name was Dale,

Dale was born with a long, curly, monkey-type tail,

Someone said in public, it looked wrong,

Wrote about it in a country song,

Dale sued and won millions, bought a yacht, and set sail.

PAYING FOR MY KID'S EDUCATION, AND THEN SOME

My eldest son, he is in college, and he is one bad seed,

He is always needing money, and my bank account doth bleed,

He needs money for fancy clothes and car,

But with rich daddies, I am not on par,

I pay for every need, asking for more, displays his greed.

WHEN THERE IS EVIL IN THE PARK, PROTECT YOUR STEAK

Sidney the unicorn, came upon 3 witches dancing and chanting,  in the city park,

The witches began drooling over the unicorn, because other meats had become stark,

The witches said, that if they could carve off Sidney, a stake,

Then they would grant three wishes, that old Sidney could then make,

Sidney took off, because he knew his steak was precious, and the witches' bargain, very dark.

ROY LIVED UNAWARE THAT THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAIR

When I walk in the woods, sometimes I see a ferocious bear,

The bear is often eating someone, for whom I do not care,

Last week it was my neighbor, Roy,

This week it was his dog and boy,

Roy's wife is my mistress; I'm so glad the universe ain't fair.

BERNEDA

Berneda saw a sunfish, swimming near her imagined feet,

Berneda wanted to grab the sunfish, and eat the sunfish meat,

Berneda is my big, green snake,

She's my only friend at the up north lake,

Berneda  imagines she's human like me, so she can grab and take.

SENIOR LIVING FOR A MAN WITH STYLE

Denny went into senior living, because that lifestyle he could fit,

He was provided all of his meals, and given a brand new shaving kit,

Denny found a girlfriend, and they would spoon,

They were both all tired out by lunch, at noon,

After lunch Denny took some of his pills, then he would try to sleep a bit.

OVER 800,000 VISITS IN THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER 2026

September was the biggest month ever for Limericks And Stuff visitations. We had over 800,000 visits from friends here in the United States, and friends around the world.  My birthday is coming up.on October 4th, and I can't think of a better birthday present than the support and encouragement  I've received over the years, from all of you.

I want to thank everyone for coming to this website, and other websites that I write for and/or curate.  

My blog sites do not require a subscription.  They are free to browse and enjoy.  "Limericks And Stuff", is the flagship blog, but there are other sites with fictional work, and non-fictional random government press releases on topics like crime, space exploration and general information.  All sites are free to browse and read.  Please enjoy the blog library I have built to share.

THE EMPTY PAPER CHASE

I just got the highest, bestest grade, I've ever gotten on a paper at my high school,

It was a very solid "C", I figured my geezer teacher gave me a "C" for "cool",

Except for my name, I left the entire page blank,

I figured my grade always ended up in the tank,

But teacher wrote, "better a page be blank, than trying to decipher ramblings of a fool". 

WE VAMPIRES LOVE OUR NOODLES AND BLOOD, AND SOME SNUFF

When I became a vampire, I laid around on the couch,

When the sun would come up, I'd get a very severe burn, what an ouch,

I still love making my ramen,

Soaked in fresh blood, is most common,

I often have dinner guests; after we sup, I share snuff from my pouch.

TEARS FOR THE YOUNG TRUMPETEER

The trumpeteer blew his shiny coronet, while he was marching in the high school band, in Ire,

Ire is a tiny town in Michigan, a place where heavy set people want to retire,

The furniture and floors are built extra strong,

They can take thousand lb loads, what could go wrong?

The young trumpeteer suddenly stopped blowing his coronet; clogged arteries made him expire.

THE BUTCHER FEEDS THE TOWN AND REMEMBERS HIS VICTIMS WITH A SONG

Our famous singing butcher, grinds hamburger all day long,

While making grinds he sings his notable, town butcher song,

"To all the snakes and bats,

The mice and the rats,

I feed the town, but I know what I did to you was wrong." 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

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YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke into my cabin, and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.

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THE TWISTED WORM

We can't avoid the twisting worm,

 It lies down underneath,

 In decay it brings to term,

 The creature and the leaf,

 The worms kingdom is undiscovered, 

All dead-fall hides his race, 

Once gone down nothing is recovered,

 Unless changed within the place, 

All life ends with a great dead-fall,

As the smell and rot affirms,

But from the decay some shoots grow tall, 

Fed by feces from the worms.

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I REPLACED MY BEST FRIEND, AN HOUR AFTER HE DIED

I have a new handsome, guppy friend, his name is Dave, 

My last guppy, named Ted, got a toilet bowl, flush grave,

Ted choked to death on a fat, fruit fly,

That was no way for my friend to die,

Dave should live a long life, if he just tries to behave.

TED CHOKED, NOW I'M ALONE

My fish bowl is so murky, a lonely murky like my sad, dead soul,

I use to have a guppy friend; he consumed fish food through his pie hole,

We were happy, little Ted and I,

Until I fed him a dead fruit fly,

Little Ted choked to death eating that fly, and my friend, the angels stole.

JIMMY FINALLY WENT TO A RETIREMENT HOME

Jimmy claimed he was growing old quite gracefully, but no one could really tell,

Most times when  someone conversed with Jimmy, he'd tell them to go jump in a well,

Then one cold, December  day,

Jimmy fell and there he lay,

Jimmy was blowing snow; down he did go; in his urn on the mantle he dwell.

FAMILY FUN IN THE NEW BASEMENT SEWER POOL

The rain caused sewage water to back up into my basement today,

Which gave my seven kids an indoor pool, where they could swim, surf and play,

The basement was six feet under cold water,

Turds and urine made it seem a bit hotter,

The kids did a  splish splash, but showered before they went beddy bye, way.

WARNING:  DON'T GO SWIMMING IN BASEMENT SEWER WATER, BECAUSE OF ELECTRICAL SHOCK, AND THE PLAGUE!😷💀

ALL I NEEDED WAS A BIG BLACK HOLE

I just read on my tablet, scientists believe we live inside a big, black hole,

My life is already horrible enough, but this new news is taking a toll,

Oh, woe is the me,

I'll never be free,

I've got late bills, and back alimony to pay, now a black hole surrounds my soul.

IF YOU BUY MYSTERY MEAT BURGERS, BUY EXTRA TP

I bought the family hamburgers, made out of Michigan mystery meat,

It smelled a lot like that big bloated possum, I scraped up off our pristine street,

The mystery meat was tender,

We were hungry, remember,

Hours passed, then we all ran for the toilets, with no hope of making the seat.

FATHER SMELLS BEST, NOW

My family said I was too stinky, and I had to take a shower,

They gave me a soap on a rope, and declared it had great anti-stink power,

I showered the entire night,

Until my eyes touched early light,

My family said my stench didn't make them sick, so we could eat at the same hour.

I WAS ONCE "OLIVER" IN A PLAY, BUT THAT DIDN'T HELP ME ON DONUT HOLE DAY

I ate all the free, sample donut holes in the bakery, there must of been four score,

I was still hungry, so like Oliver Twist, I went up to the front, and asked for more,

I could not get out another short utter,

Before they threw me into the gutter,

Then, the store owner came outside, and told me I was permanently banned from his store.

PEACHES: FROZEN DEAD IN SPACE

I was traveling to another world, when my spaceship engine puked, and it died,

I won't be going anywhere ever, because my warp engine components are fried,

My environment is becoming quite hostile,

I'll freeze frosty, hard dead, in a little while,

I just hope my peach tree orchard back home, is taken care of by my neighbor, McBride.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN CUISINE: A REPTILIAN PERSPECTIVE

I'm A Northern Michigan crocodile, I eat tourist for din,

Sometimes I will eat kids and women, but mostly I eat adult men,

Their bones are nice and crunchy,

Fun eats for super or lunchy,

Crocodiles have the right to eat people; no law says it's a sin.

MY FAMILY GOT RICH, AND I BECAME BEAR SCAT

I bought lots of life insurance, in case I got eaten by a bear,

I then got ate by a bear, but the wife and kids did not really care,

Insurance paid a million dollars in money,

Their dark days of mourning me, turned  very sunny,

The wife bought a much younger man; the kids each bought a crib in Bellaire.

MY BEST FRIEND BIT THROUGH MY JEANS, THEN RAN OFF WITH A GIRL

I use to have a pet weasel, I raised, and I named my weasel,  Sammy Poo,

You would have to be really careful, or he might take a bite right out of you,

He once bit through my Levi britches,

That's when he gave me 18 stitches,

One day, Sammy ran off with a weasel girl; he was all grown up, who knew?

DADDY CLEANS FISH (EYES WIDE OPEN)

Daddy told me that fish don't feel any pain, when you scrape off all their scales,

He said fish just feel a soft, soothing tickle, when you pull out their entrails,

Daddy said the fish all think it's really funny,

When you cut off their heads and the blood gets runny,

But, those fish head eyes looked really mad, so I rushed them out to the garbage pails.

THE THREE BEARS GOT HORNED

Three fierce Michigan, grizzly bears, went hunting the great unicorn,

They said the meat tastes best, if the unicorn has a big horn,

When they caught up to the huge, horned beast,

The big bears pictured having a feast,

The unicorn horn punctured each bear, making the bears unborn.

TRINA SAYS IT HURTS TO CHEW, AND HER DENTIST CHEWS HER OUT

Trina went to a new dentist, and was told her mouth hygiene was very poor,

Trina had to purchase a new tube of toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash, floss and more,

When Trina chewed her food, it hurt,

So, she went to her dentist, Bert,

After Trina spent money to buy stuff for her teeth, Trina's mouth still felt sore.

MOZART'S TIT SINGS

There was a little titmouse chirping in a tree,

The little titmouse chirped and chirped, a Mozart melody,

It was the Turkish March, chirped he,

He chirped Mozart, repeatedly,

Now that tune repeats in my head, and my brain cells can't break free.

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THOUGHTS ON THE MAGIC FLUTE

I went to the old opera house to see The Magic Flute,

Mozart made that opera, and it became a hot times, toot,

People still turn out, in this age and day,

To watch fancy dressed singers, sing away,

Mozart should be proud of his long, lasting work; such fun, a hoot. 

TENTING IN THE WOODS: ANIMAL SPIRITS

Three spirits came to visit me, while I was sleeping in my tent,

The first one was a fox; he hated humans, and was there to vent,

"Humans were forbidden from entering these great woods,"

Then, came a chipmunk spirit;  he ate my snacky goods.

Then, showed up a wolf spirit; he ate my legs to collect the rent.

LITTLE BRO ATE MY PET AND GOT A HUG

I walked out into the deepest lake water with my jug,

In my jug I caught a quick diving, big, black water bug,

My little bro wanted to eat my bug, pet,

I called little bro out with a dollar bet,

Little bro ate my bug then puked, and ma gave him a hug.

LEIGH AND LEO: BOWLING BALLS IN THE GUTTER, AND A SATURDAY NIGHT FIGHT

Leigh and Leo went out bowling, every Saturday night,

Leigh accused Leo of cheating, so they got into a fight,

The fight continued a bigly, forty days,

The upset cats went to stay with Mr. Hays,

The fight ended, when Leigh made Leo some cheese nachos to bite.

MY DAUGHTER DANCED LIKE A RAT, AND WE ALL GOT RICH

I always thought I'd make lots of money, but I never had a really great chance,

Until, I put my little daughter on the internet, to show her cute Rat Dance,

Overnight, I was a millionaire,

With my wife and daughter, I did share,

We all moved into a great big mansion house, in a small hamlet, in Southern France.