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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But, instead he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

JIM'S APARTMENT

Jim's apartment, it's kind of small,
The bathroom is a picture on a wall,
The kitchen's a delight,
A plate hanging from the light,
And, to sleep Jim curls up in a ball.

Monday, December 11, 2017

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But, with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

MY FORTUNE TOLD FOR A TIP

My psychic with a single card flip,
Said I should be leaving a much larger tip,
She said my penchant for being cheap,
Put the spirit world fast asleep,
And, my fortunes would soon take a dip.
 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

MY CREDIT CARD CHARGE IS FIFTY PERCENT-Limerick

My credit card charge is fifty percent,
When I pay it I get kind of all bent,
With all the bank fees,
I'm down on my knees,
Even on savings they charge me for rent.

Friday, December 8, 2017

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

THE SNAKE IN THE TOILET

In Sam’s toilet there was a rattlesnake,
He thought it crawled up from his septic tank,
While his wife was baking a birthday cake,
Poor Sam just stood there completely blank,

“Come here honey,” Sam called to his wife,
“Come here and help me out”,
Poor old Sam was in fear for his life,
He was too afraid to just shout,

Sam’s wife came into the bathroom at last,
She told Sam he had to get loose,
But, poor Sam turned around way to fast,
And, the snake bit him on the caboose,

Sam’s wife was a widow fair,
She even kept the snake and tank,
The snake and widow made quite the pair,
With Sam’s life insurance in the bank.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

FIGS, RIGS AND BIG BUCK DEER

Amy liked to munch on figs,
While driving along in real big rigs,
Once she dropped her fig on the floor,
Then went reaching for some more,


Out jumped a big buck deer,
That caused Amy to try to veer,
She missed the buck but could not steer,
She may still eat figs, just not around here.

Monday, December 4, 2017

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But, when he’d blow air out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So, the band leader gave Bob the boot.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.



Saturday, December 2, 2017

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

Friday, December 1, 2017

THE MARTIAN LIMERICK

Martian, Martian from the sky,
How'd you Martians learn to fly,
We once tried space travel here,
But, 'cause of money and fear,
On Earth we're all going to die.

Martian, Martian you have traveled far,
While, we can't build a reliable car,
We can't stay in space,
We're a dumbing-down race,
Remember us when you reach your next star.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

MY GOLDEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday,
He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay,
But, it was really hard to eat,
His gold leaf covered meat,
And, my ulcers should be healed up by next May.



Wednesday, November 29, 2017

BIG FOOT'S GREETING ON TURKEY DAY

I went out hunting deer on this turkey day,
But, all I saw was bigfoot and here's what he had to say,
"Get out of my woods,"
"Or I'll rip your goods,"
So, I turned tail and ran away.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

JIMMY IS NO FISHERMAN

Jimmy used a jitterbug to try to catch a pike,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was his older brother Spike,
Jimmy used a silver spoon to try to catch a crappie,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was the ear of his old pappy,
Jimmy used a plastic worm to try to catch a bass,
But, the only thing that Jimmy hooked was his cousin's giant mass,
Jimmy used a squirrel-tail to try to catch a trout,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was Jimmy's great big snout.     
Jimmy used a coupon to purchase fish and fries,
Because if Jimmy kept on fishing then, everybody dies. 

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,
I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,
I tried stuffing the bird with juice,
But, as stuffing juice is loose,
After stuffing the bird a third time I decided I had enough.

Monday, November 27, 2017

OPERATIONAL TIME TRAVEL

There's no question that I travel through time,
In the natural order it isn't a crime,
But, the direction I travel seems set in stone,
I can't travel to see skin put back on a bone,

Dinosaur bones I can see built up to the sky,
But, I can only imagine how they could live and or die,
It seems the direction of time takes me only one way,
I can move towards tomorrow but not yesterday,
You see I have often traveled from what did to what does,
But, I have never transversed from what's now to what was. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

THE BASSOON GIRLS

Four girlfriends played the bassoon,
But, their friendship would be ending soon,
For three of them would have despair,
Because only one could be first chair,

All four girls practiced every night,
From supper time until the light,
One day they played for the contested chair,
All the music teachers listened with care,

But, three of them hit many foul notes,
The one that didn't got all the votes,
Now, the three losers their friendship has grown,
While the first chair girl sits in first chair alone.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,
It happened so fast that I just let it slide,
Of course it rains and it pours,
I forgot to bring oars,
And, the lake was real long and real wide.