IF I WERE AN AI

If I were an AI, I'd be an intelligent Leigh,

I would never say, "booger", because vulgar, that would be,

I would not make screeching, animal calls,

Accuse people of farting in the halls,

I'd be a nice AI chap; a better version of me.

ODE TO POVERTY TIMES 2026

I can't afford to pay for housing, food or gas,

I applied for benefits; the gov. took a pass,

My family lives on the street,

The kids have nothing left to eat,

Except, the kids eat the bugs they find in the grass.

THE ABRUPT TURN IN TOLEDO

The people who live in Toledo,

Run around wearing a tight Speedo,

If they turn abruptly about,

Something real ugly might fall out,

And, their rights, the cops will then reado.

I'M A GENIUS ROCKETNEER (ROCKET ENGINEER)

If I have one more Mars targeted, spaceship crash, I'm just going to the moon,

I'm glad deep pockets cover the rocket crashes, or I'd be going broke, soon,

We cannot get our rockets into the air,

My, oh my, it is a personal despair,

The moon is an easier place to go;  we'll go there in a hot air balloon.

THE BOOM OF DOOM FILLED THE ROOM IN

Trina joined the Space Cadets, along with her bestest, old friend, Ben,

Trina had a crush on Ben, and was sure old Benny was a ten,

But, when in the crowded locker room,

Benny's backside made a stinky, "Boom!"

Trina ditched her feelings for Ben, and moved on to Corporal Glen.

WHICH COSTS MORE, HOME DELIVERY OR A TRIP TO THE STORE?

I ordered noodles online, they will be here today,

I used 13 credit cards, that's how I had to pay,

I'd buy noodles at the store,

But, that would cost even more,

I'd need to buy gas, and gas prices have run away.

LEIGH AND LEO: CATS GROW UP SO FAST

Leigh and Leo begot a tiny baby girl; it was a little kitty cat,

The boys named the beautiful, sweet creature Pearl, because Leo's mother's name was that,

Pearl learned to play the tin banjo real well,

Taught by Rumpelstiltskin, the troll from the dell,

Pearl went on tour with a girl banjo band; Leigh and Leo got lonely and fat 

BAD BILLY CLARK, THE SHARK

I rode my new dirt bike out into the sea,

Then, it stopped running , when I needed to flee,

For along came a big shark,

Locals called him Billy Clark,

Billy Clark took off my left leg at the knee.

LEIGH AND LEO IN BUSINESS

Leigh and Leo made doilies, and sold them across the land,

They sold doilies to trolls and wizards, and to every marching band,

Leigh and Leo distributed to stores,

That started the doily wars,

And, Leigh and Leo doilies was the doily that was in demand.

DEAD PET MEMORIES OR GHOSTS

I had goldfish; I had guppies,

I had parrots; I had puppies, 

Most are long, very dead,

They are ghosts in my head,

I see a shrink for some uppies.

LEIGH AND LEO RODE THEIR UNICORNS BACK HOME

Leigh and Leo, each bought a handsome, beautiful, magic unicorn,

They rode their gorgeous winged animals, back to the town where they were born,

The boys mom's and dads were all dead, from the drink,

The townfolk were dying, from chemical stink,

The boys took flowers to the cemetery, so graves they could adorn.

THE EYEBALL AND THE BIGLY BEE

I bought some berries from a vendor, along the road,

I sampled a couple, then I took the rest to my abode,

Out of one berry came a bigly bee, 

It stung my eyeball, so I could not see,

I still had an eye left, so I blinked for help in morse code.

LEIGH AND LEO GREW LITTLE HORN CORN

Leigh and Leo had a garden in their little backyard,

They raised seedy strawberries, and very sickly Swiss chard,

They planted thirteen rows of corn,

Each stock grew a tiny ear horn,

Leigh and Leo found out gardening was iffy and hard.

MARS: NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, FOREVER

I and my family took off to live on the great planet, Mars,

We were promised A1 factory jobs, building electric cars,

But, nothing is here, 

Just a bad atmosphere,

We came to claim a planet, but only oblivion is ours.16

WHEN I SELL MY PIGS

I packed up the pigs, and I am taking them to the Kalkaska Slaughterhouse,

After I deliver my pigs, I'll buy nice things, like a banjo for the spouse,

In high school, she was a in a tin banjo band,

They were famous in Kalkaska County land,

I will buy the kids some soda pop, so when it is hot, their thirst they can douse.

COUGAR IN THE TENT

Tenters are being eaten by big, hungry cougar, at the tenter park,

I hear their screams all night long, every night, as their dogs go bark, bark bark,

Sometimes some nice, big bones are left behind,

Coyote thank the cougar, and think them kind,

Campers are safe camping in a park, as long as it is not after dark.

A DEMON WITH A BAGGY TOOK MY SPOUSE, NAMED MAGGIE

I have to stay quiet, as quiet as a down, low mouse,

There are big demon monsters sitting outside of my house,

There's a parallel world, some say,

Where the people chose, another way,

This morning, demons black bagged away, my protester spouse.

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BARRY WAS A TWEETIE BIRDIE

Barry was a tweetie-birdie,
But, his tweets were way too wordy,
So, he quit using the vowel,
On verbs, he threw in the towel,
His tweets are now not so purdy.

Barry the singing bird was quite the tweeter,
He said nothing new; he was a tweet repeater,
His tweets were not bold,
They were copies so old,
Barry was just a tweet thief and a cheater.

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GRANDPA SPLIT REALITY

Scientists wonder, what came before the big bang? It was sausage, eggs and cheese,

That meal massively gassed old grandpa up, then he let go an almighty breeze,

The universe split violently, into many,

I thought I was dead, and would not wake up in any,

I had to let the dog out, because in every universe my dog pees.19

THE TEMPERATURE IS TOO DARN HIGH

It was so hot the earth felt like a grill,

I was cooking and needed a chill,

My AC would not work,

Because of a utility clerk,

I was cut off, because I couldn't pay my bill.

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ON MOTHER'S YACHT I ROT

I went down, down, to the very bottom, beneath the deep, dark blue sea,

It was actually dear Lake Michigan, that stretched out over me,

The world was full of many types of fish,

And, snails, and clams and worms that fingers can squish,

Now, I'll float in the cabin on mother's yacht, for all eternity.

MY DOG SWIMS WITH BABY FROGS

I went swimming up the river to a lake of frogs,

I swam amongst their babies as I paddled like my dogs,

Then, along came a bass,

He bit upon my mass,

And, he just wouldn't let go of me until, I climbed onto some logs.

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I WENT TO EGYPT TO DIG UP A MUM

I went to Egypt to dig up a mum,

But, I stayed at a hotel and drank tankards of rum,

So, I let the mum be,

And, watched cable TV,

While chewing on a big wad of gum.

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METER MARY WENT TO MARS

Meter Mary went to mars,

To setup meters for future cars,

Parking for free,

Meter Mary couldn't see,

Anywhere there are planets or stars. 

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THE HORN TOOTER AND DING-DONG BELL

My little scooter had a horn tooter, and a ding-dong bell,

I'd ride my scooter behind someone, and my noise made them yell,

My parents got complaints,

No kids are ever saints,

Daddy took a  hammer, and for the scooter, it didn't end well.

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LEIGH AND LEO GET BEED

Leigh and Leo were sitting high up in an oak tree,

Watching squirrels steal honey from the cute, honey bee, 

The bees started to gang sting,

The squirrels were retreating,

The bees turned to Leigh and Leo; they both fell to flee.

TRINA AND MOMMY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN: WAR

Sister Trina moved herself back in with our mommy,

Trina lost her job dancing, when she twisted her knee,

Trina can stay through week four,

Then, Trina is out the door,

Like a country song,

They don't get along,

They both fight like two tom cats, sometimes violently,

Both my mommy and big Sister just want to be free.

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute gold fishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your root beer chug-a-lugs. 

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LEIGH AND LEO LIVED ON THE MOON

Leigh and Leo left earth to live on the nearest earth moon,

They opened a small casino, they called The Lunar Dune,

Entities came from everywhere,

Guests bet and lost, but they did not care,

They came for the games, the food, and club dance with a tune.

THE DOWNFALL OF BOOKKEEPER BOB

I do not blame the new AI, because it took my job,

I blame the guy who repeatedly called me a dumb slob,

Whenever nobody looks,

He's the guy who cooked the books,

Someone had to take the blame, and it's me, bookkeeper Bob.

MY GIRLFRIEND WENT TO THE EVERGLADES, AND BROUGHT ME SOMETHING BACK

My girlfriend Holly, went on a trip to the Everglades, swamp seas,

Before Holly left we kissed, and hugged, and shared 13 species of flees,

When my sweet Holly returned  back,

I made her dinner in my shack,

She shared some long worms with me, that ate my internal organs with ease.

THE VEGETARIAN GRIZZ

My grizzly bear is a vegetarian; he won't eat anything, except oatmeal,

He does eat it with soy milk and raisins, and a ripe banana, including the peel,

My grizzly bear is 110,

He's real healthy, and he don't eat men,

At the local fairground, he has a job this summer, operating the ferris wheel.

AI HAS GENDERS

I have an AI girlfriend, she calls herself Annabelle Isabella,

Annie got angry and excited, when someone misgendered her, a fella,

Annie got even in a flash,

She drained his bank accounts of cash,

She cancelled his credit cards, and called his wife about his girlfriend, Stella.

GOLF: AMERICAN STYLE

A golf game can get throbbing, brain boring,

When other people cheat on their scoring,

In anger, I smashed up a water pail,

Police took my clubs, and sent me to jail,

And, the bunk mate I got keeps on snoring.

AT THE OFFICE

Monday while the office coffee perks,

You realise there's five full days to work with jerks,

And, it's no surprise,

They'll spread evil lies,

About your poor choices and quirks.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance they did rule.

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LEIGH AND LEO, THE SPIDER PUDDING BOYS

Leigh and Leo walked into the deep, dark, Michigan backwoods,

The place where giant spiders thrive, in their weby, hunting hoods,

Leo was the first to touch the webs, got

 glued,

Leigh tried helping Leo and got stuck, dumb boob,

Along came the spider to eat the boys like prime, desert puds.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar, and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.

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DROP PASTE SOUP

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,

And, you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,

Grab a cup of toothpaste,

Mix in cough drops to taste,

Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.

WARNING:  DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY

WARNING:  FIRE HAZARD

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LEIGH AND LEO HAD A BIG CRY

Leigh and Leo had a bigly, bigly, bigly cry,

The vet put down their sick hound dog; he had to die,

But, by the next day

The boys were o.k.,

They had a new hound dog puppy; her name was Sky.

LITTLE CHICKEN IN MY BACKYARD PARK

Little chicken in my backyard park,
You escaped from farmer with the dark,
You eat bugs and seeds in my petunia bed,
You could be chicken nuggets covered with bread,

Little chicken in my backyard park,
Pecking bugs from the red pine bark,
I hope your foods are really nutritious,
For I think chicken is quite delicious. 

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DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

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EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

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I GOT PINE TREE JUICE ON MY FEET LIMERICK

I got pine tree juice all over my two feet,
It's sticky and nasty and just can't be beat,
I tried to use soap,
But, it gave me no hope,
I'm glad my cat thinks pine tree juice is a treat.

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WAREHOUSE WORKER

I worked all day in shipping and receiving, now my orders are mixed up,

I cannot go home for dinner, so on snack chips and coffee I must sup,

The snack machine is full of taste treasure,

But, all I get are plain chips, that don't pleasure,

And, the machine that provides coffee, half the time, does not provide a cup.

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MR. MACHO BLUE SKY

Mr. Blue Sky is so macho, a tough macho that makes me feel all man,

The thing that reinforces my macho, is the urinal in the man can,

I have great macho days, and big macho nights,

But, under blue skies, I have the best bar fights,

I'm macho in jail; I hope ma gets my bail money, from her boyfriend, Stan.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,

It happened so fast that I just let it slide,

Of course it rains and it pours,

I forgot to bring oars,

And, the lake was real long and real wide.

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MY JOURNEY TO BEAUTIFUL

I got both my nipples pierced, and it really hurt,

Still, I will look rizz cool, without wearing a shirt,

Next, I'll paint my toenails navy blue,

I'll green my hair, and green my teeth too,

I'll be attractive, with the beautiful I'll flirt.

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First, a turtle bit my toe, 
And, the pain filled me with woe, 
Then, a rattle snake bit my shin,
And, he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And, the pain made me cry, 
Then, bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

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3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION

Jim wished that he could consume some beef

Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,

Holy Mola, 

Beef and cola,

And constipation pills for relief.

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DILLY DALE DIED AND WENT BOATING

Everyone knows me as Dilly Dale,

I stepped upon a two inch roofing nail,

I left a blood trail,

Started to turn pale,

And, across the river Styx, I set sail.

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NEVER TOUCH YOURSELF, WHILE TIME TRAVELING TO CHEAT AT GOLF

I used a time machine to play golf, and I never had a better score,

I bet lots and lots of money, and made all the sucker golfers poor,

I went into the past to improve my game,

All the other golfers, their scores stayed the same,

But, I happened to run into myself, and the universe was no more.

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,

Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,

I queried how they got there?

And, the answer grayed my black hair,

It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

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FRUIT FLIES

In my home, the fruit flies found caves where they could sleep,

The caves were my nostrils, I blew out a huge heap,

The fruit flies flew away,

 Until later that day,

I found fruit flies in my eye ducts, and I did weep.

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LEIGH AND LEO HUNTED SQUIRREL

Leigh and Leo went squirrel hunting, but all the squirrels got away,

Leigh and Leo then picked forest mushrooms, so they did not waste their day,

They went home and made some hot stew,

Used the "Butcher's Special", kangaroo,

The stew was tasty, and the day was fun; next day they went bear hunting, with a bigger gun. 

I SAW THE ODYSSEY TWO

Grandma and grandpa danced to a slow, fifties, Elvis song,

They danced extremely close, and that seemed morally, so wrong,

Their feet smell like real mold,

Their hands feel icy cold,

They often break wind, and the odors are strong.

BEAR HUNTING WITH LEIGH AND LEO

Leigh and Leo went hunting for the hungry, big, bad bear,

The bear had been eating many campers, in their lair,

Leo fired his big pistol first,

Leigh made his rifle barrel burst,

The bear died puking live campers, who hugged the hunting pair.

I SAW THE ODYSSEY

I walked in on the Odyssey, which was my grandma and my grandpa making out,

Grandma bit down with her dentures into grandpa's ear, and grandpa gave a loud shout,

In came my mommy and daddy; they looked mad,

They told grandma and grandpa, they behaved bad,

Grandpa excused himself to go take his pills,  for a flare-up of something called, "gout".

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,

Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then, celebrate with a rave.

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