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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

ODE TO JERRY THE SNOW TURTLE

Jerry was a snow turtle,
He did not like the sun,
It was only in the winter,
That Jerry had any fun,

Jerry liked to snowboard,
He liked to downhill ski,
Jerry’s shell was completely white,
This made him hard to see,

Once when racing downhill,
With five snowboarders on his tail,
Jerry had a dreaded spill,
And was chopped up like first class mail,

Everyone mourned the loss,
Of the turtle who could ski a loop,
For on the slopes he was the boss,
In the kitchen he’s turtle soup.

Monday, December 29, 2014

THERE WAS NO SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS

There was no snow for Christmas,
Nor, snow for New Year's as well,
And, living in Northern Michigan,
It's been a type of snow-less hell,

There's no snow on the ski slope,
Nor, on the toboggan run,
There's no snow on the snowmobile trail,
In winter, no snow equals no fun,

Of course you can go ice skating,
And, fall and crack your bones,
You can also go ice fishing,
And, get frostbite on your scones,

But, a snow fortress you cannot build,
Nor, a snowman can you roll,
You can't track animals you've shot and killed,
Nor, make snow angels with arms and soul,

You see a winter that has no snow,
Is like a car that has no gas,
It's like Santa's lost his "Ho, Ho,"
When Old Man Winter takes a pass.

TRY NOT TO SLEEP SO MUCH THIS YEAR

Try not to sleep so much this year,
For each hour you snore you're end draws near,
Better stay mostly awake,
All the awake you can take,
For at the end awake time is dear.  

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

LENNY THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Lenny was a Christmas goose,
He was hunted while on the loose,
He did not get shot,
And, end up in a pot,
Because he died his feathers chartreuse

Friday, December 26, 2014

MY PET SKUNK AMADEOUS

My girl and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus
Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us,
We did nothing wrong,
To get a taste of his spray bong,
When we’d see him coming our sense of smell became chaos.



Thursday, December 25, 2014

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







Wednesday, December 24, 2014

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

 

Monday, December 22, 2014

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.



Sunday, December 21, 2014

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







Saturday, December 20, 2014

CHRISTMAS EVE AND REINDEER STEVE

Again it is now Christmas Eve,
Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve,
Steve is the official weather reindeer,
But, he has drank too much beer,
Let’s hope his sobriety he’ll retrieve.

Friday, December 19, 2014

THE PSYCHIC POWERS OF GRAPE JUICE

There was a psychic named Dottie Mapes,
She got her powers from the vine of grapes,
When she indulged she'd see such shapes,
Some were human and some were apes,

Sometimes her visions were just plain silly,
Like the monkey she saw named Colonel Willy,
He appeared wearing a Confederate hat,
He had a corn cob pipe and a baseball bat,

Willie liked to play checkers 'till morning,
Like most ghosts he'd be gone with no warning,
Grape juice, it seems, is not good for MS Mapes,
She'd best stick with juice not made out of grapes.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.





  



 

A LIMERICK OF LYNN (THE WALRUS)

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She couldn’t fit through her door when open,
So, she stuck dynamite,
By her belly so tight,
Now, she’s missed by her kith and her kin.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.







Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

MY RICH UNCLE BOUGHT AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

My rich uncle bought an immortality machine,
I am sure that he did so because he is mean,
My inheritance is gone,
And, all my stuff I must pawn,
While my uncle lives forever it would seem,

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I LOST BECAUSE THE DEALER DID NOT TELL

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell,
When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell,
His nostrils swelled big as his head,
I went all in like the tell said,
I lost to a spades straight flush from hell!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

Friday, December 12, 2014

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

JIM SLIPPED AND FELL ON SOME ICE

Jim slipped and fell on some ice,
Ground contact did not feel real nice,
When he got to his feet,
He felt a pain in his seat,
In his back pocket was a key chain device.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

MY BAGEL LACKED CREAM CHEESE LIMERICK

My bagel was lacking cream cheese,
I had specified the "CC" and said "please,"
But, I got a cheddar cheese stacking,
Plus, the butter was lacking,
And, too much garlic put me in a wheeze.


GNOMES GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

I cannot get myself to write a poem,
That is sympathetic to a garden gnome,
Every gnome is so mean,
And, their cloths they don't clean,
After all day in the garden they roam.

Monday, December 8, 2014

I GAVE MY GOLDFISH FOOD LIMERICK

I gave my goldfish a dash of fish food,
But, I didn't measure it so, guess what dude?
Although my goldfish is fed,
He is all puffy and dead,
And, a toilet funeral seems awfully rude.

THE WHY I DON'T EAT FRESH STUFF LIMERICKS

I BOUGHT A PEAR
Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot,
When he bit into it it was all full of rot,
Rob ate the pear to the core,
Then, His innards got soar,

And, He spent the rest of the day on his cot.

 IMAGINATION AND DIET  

I ate nothing but veggies at every meal,
Although such flavors lack all appeal,
So, I imagined I was eating steak,
Followed by frosted cream cheese cake,
And, I gained 50 pounds, what's the deal?

 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And, fed the arms and legs to the crew.

MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE




I had a little spaceship,
But, It did not travel far,
It launched sideways thirty feet,
And, was run over by a car,


My space travels were never great,
I never made it to distant stars,
My trek across this universe,
Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

Friday, December 5, 2014

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I DEEMED MY BEER NUTS TO BE FAULTY

I deemed my beer nuts to be faulty,
They were not sweet but were salty,
My nuts in the bag,
Had a misleading tag,
So my snack time I put on halty.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.


SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.

ODE TO THE MAILMAN LIMERICK

Way down below Fahrenheit zero,
That's when the mailman becomes my hero,
Though the snow may ceaseless blow,
The mail will always go,
Astounding, for a government bureau.

 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,
Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,
So, I just thought it was best,
To lay my pogo to rest,
Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

MY CHAINSAW WOULDN'T START

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start,
So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart,
But, I could not make it run better,
Because I couldn't get it together,
It's like mechanics is some kind of an art.

Friday, November 28, 2014

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

MY PET BAT GAVE ME RABIES

I had a giant bat,
That lived underneath my sink,
It's body was pitch black,
But, it's tongue was a bright pink,

It liked to lick my forehead,
And bite me on the nose,
And, when I laid down to sleep at night,
It would nibble on my toes,

I got use to my big bat,
It was like he was a pet,
He was not a flying rat,
But, a friend that I had met,

So, I was not very happy,
When my pet bat flew away,
I then came down with rabies and,
Wished I could make that big bat pay.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

MARK WENT LOOKING FOR TURKEY

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving,
So, at the mill he quit his job of riving,
He hoped on a plane,
For a turkey to gain,
In Istanbul you will find Mark still living.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

FOUR FROGS PLAYED LAWN JARTS

Four Frogs Played Lawn Jarts,
Oh my, oh me,
One got stuck by a lawn jart and then there were three,

Three frogs played lawn jarts,
Down by the lake,
One wandered off and was ate by a snake,

Two frogs played lawn jarts,
But, really one was a toad,
And that was the one that was squashed on the road,

One frog played lawn jarts,
He won every game,
But, playing lawn jarts alone is incredibly lame.

Warning:  Lawn Jarts is a dangerous game and should not be played by frogs.

 

Monday, November 24, 2014

FISHIN' FOR MALNUTRITION

I decided to go ice fishin',
For dinner I was wishin',
A crawdad cut my line,
So, on my bait he could dine,
For my dinner I'll have malnutrition.
 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.





Saturday, November 22, 2014

DON'T DRINK THE WATER ON MARS



Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation,
It was a hot dry place that alien nation,
As the day got even hotter,
Dan just had to drink the water,
There were only pay toilets at the space station.
 

Friday, November 21, 2014

I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the country is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.



NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early stayed up late,
Work. America.

NATILIE AND HER STINKY TOES

Natalie had an extremely small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
The smell was obscene,
It was offensive, unclean,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

BOUNCED PEACHES

I bought some peaches at the store,
My son bounced them on the floor,
"The peaches didn't bounce,"
My son would announce,
So, I fixed him peach cobbler at four.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But, then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And, paprika even gave him a thrill.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I WENT DEER HUNTING WITH A SLINGSHOT LIMERICK

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot,
My luck was real good, really not,
The shot bounced off of the deer,
Got lodged in my ear,
And, there it must stay till I rot.


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't done but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

Monday, November 17, 2014

THE DESPERATELY HUNGRY FISHERMAN LIMERICK

Carl went fishing and stepped on a hook,
It hurt really bad and he didn't want to look,
He had caught his big toe,
And, Carl didn't know,
If he had a toe recipe in his cook book.
 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

MY DEER HUNTING RIFLE WOULD NOT SHOOT

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot,
When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!"
So, I guess this year,
I'll just drink beer,
And, earn my title as an old coot.

THE POGO-STICK AND THE ELEPHANT BULLY

I think that it is a real bunch of bunk,
That an elephant stuck my pogo-stick way up his trunk,
Now my day is a complete flopper,
Because of that pogo trunk-hopper,
One hop crushed my stick down to  a pile of just junk. 

The elephant sneezed my pogo-stick free,
It was in so many pieces I just let it be,
So, I will end my sad story,
The elephant was not sorry,
He laughed teary-eyed until he couldn't see. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER LIMERICK II

Snapping turtle twenty feet wide,
In Skegemog Lake where you reside,
Are giant muskies the food you take,
Or, do you feed on the rattlesnake,
Whatever you eat had better hide.

Friday, November 14, 2014

I'M NOT READY FOR DEAR HUNTING THIS YEAR

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year, 
I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear,
For some doe I won't trifle,
So, I bought buckshot for my riffle,
And, the fit is not really clear.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

IT'S HARD TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBRE

I was lectured a patriotic quote
On how I must go out and vote,
But, I couldn't check any box,
For I shook with detox,
And, my flask was in my other coat.

Monday, November 3, 2014

MY ELECTION DAY CHOICES LIMERICK

On election day I just could not choose,
Whoever won meant that I would then lose,
So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries."
For food tells no lies,
Except, for judges I voted for "Booze." 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

ON ELECTION DAY

On election day I din't capitulate,
And, vote for any names approved by the state,
So, I wrote my own in,
Oh wow, what a sin,
I'll be in prison until 3008. 


Saturday, November 1, 2014

JOHN'S JOB INTERVIEW

John could not find any socks that matched at all,

He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall,
He knew his job interview,
Went completely phew,
When, the interviewer said "I won't call".

Friday, October 31, 2014

THE MEAN MARTIAN FOUND ME ON HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

I decided to hide all night, Halloween,
Witches, vampires, werewolves are just not my seen,
Then, down from the sky,
A martian dropped by,
And, bit me because he was mean.


Friday, October 24, 2014

HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE LIMERICK

At hunting camp we hunted for ducks,
But, the license costs really big bucks,
So, what could we loose?
If violating we choose,
Now, we’re in jail and that really sucks.



THE DANGEROUS MALE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman,
I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin,
I petted his head,
He bit me, I'm dead,
My stupid was recalled at my sermon.

Monday, October 20, 2014

BILL RAISES HIS OWN FISHING BAIT LIMERICK AND POEM

Bill found worms between all of his toes,
How they got there nobody knows,
Bill takes a hot shower,
Once each year for an hour,
Then, he trims the hairs hanging down from his nose.

Bill sighted worms down between all of his toes,
He saved them for bait when fishing he goes,
He liked to raise larvae within his large nose,
He'll have plenty of bait when fishing he goes.

THE SWEATY SALMON SAGA

There once was a big red salmon named Strange Betty,
She was the only fish whose under-fins got sweaty,
She tried underarm cream,
Before swimming upstream,
But, she was smelled-out and ate by a Yettie.
 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

HIGHWAY TEXTING AND BRIDGES AND TOADS

Trish would text while driving down the highway,
It seems that she had much she needed to say,
But, while texting friend Midge,
She drove off of a bridge,
Her mobile service was cancelled that day.

Trish liked to text as she drove down the road,
She once swerved her car when glancing a toad,
The toad as O.K.
But, Trish had to pay,
Since, she crashed into an old man's abode.  

Saturday, October 18, 2014

IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME WITH A TREE-LIMERICK

Feeble was my little tree,
That I had cultivated for history,
It was for future generations to see,
Of what really mattered to me,
It died, the dried leaves made my tea.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

BUGS, HUGS AND BIRTHDAY CAKE





Debbie baked a secret birthday cake,
And, she baked the cake with love,
She baked it for her boyfriend Drake,
And, hid it in the attic above,

When the big day came for the birthday boy,
Debbie presented the cake with kisses and hugs,
But, Drake reacted by being coy,
For the cake was crawling with bugs.

Friday, October 3, 2014

RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

WHAT YOU DON'T DO WITH BLEACH

I went to polish my best table's top,
It was stained with coffee and red soda pop,
I wish someone would teach,
You don't polish with bleach,
Or, at least someone would have yelled at me "STOP!"


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

CARMEN THE OCTOPUS LIMERICK

Carmen the octopus was no longer charmed,
She was attacked by a shark and then was disarmed,
But, she got it together,
Her loss of limbs didn't upset her,
She grew new ones and appeared quite unharmed.

 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

THE STATE FAIR

I went to see the visit the state fair,
The animals were nude, naked and bare,
I found it obscene,
My eyes were unclean,
I wished I had never gone there.

THE FRUITY SOUP LIMERICK

Mark was becoming a big fellow,
So, he decided to diet on jell-o,
But, too much water in the goop,
Just made fruity soup,
Some Bourbon in the soup made Mark mellow.
 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because, now that my dog is gone,
The cougar's eating me.  

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

OLD WHIPPLE'S DIPPED APPLES

Old Whipple was not in the head right, 
He dipped apples and left them out overnight,
To no one's surprise,
The apples were covered with flies,
Old Whipple served them as though they came out just right.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

MY GIRLFRIEND CLEANED MY HOUSE

I had a girlfriend for a very short time,
When she cleaned my house her bad words didn't rhyme,
The porcelains were not white,
Carpet stains from party night,
And the appliances incubated green slime.

Monday, September 8, 2014

THE FALCON-CHICKEN STORY

There was a falcon big and true,
He watched Jimbo's chickens from a tree limb view,
Jimbo had a rooster, chick and hen,
In a topless chicken pen,
Now, the roster's gone and Jimbo's chickens number two.

Friday, September 5, 2014

THE DEBT CRISIS OF JITTERBUG JONES

Jitterbug Jones was nervous they say,

He had massive bills but, worked for low pay,

He tried selling his blood,

The payout was a dud,

So, Jitterbug Jones ran away.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

THE SURVIVALIST POEM

I decided to be a survivalist,
So, I moved out to live under the stars,
But, there is just this tiny little twist,
I happen to be living on Mars,

The air on Mars is not so good,
And, there isn't much to eat,
And, good luck finding firewood,
A drop of water is a treat,

Perhaps I'll move to another place, 
To show I'm from a survivalist pattern,
I won't give up and show disgrace,
Instead, how challenging could be Saturn.  


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

AN END TO HOEING

Now I have two peppers growing,
I hope they're ripe before the snowing,
The northern fall,
Brings death to all,
But, at least an end to constant hoeing.

Monday, September 1, 2014

THE LABOR DAY LIMERICK FOR ME

On Labor Day I don't like to work,
Being unemployed gives me that perk,
And, who wants the money,
When the day is so sunny,
Besides, the pay is so low for a clerk.



Monday, August 25, 2014

CLIFF HAD NINE BOXES OF TOYS-Limerick

Cliff had nine boxes of toys,
He had everything played with by boys,
His girlfriend named Pearl,
Had every toy for a girl,
Their kids just wanted to make noise.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

RANDY AND HIS TRIKE

Randy went riding on his big wheeled trike,
He rode a big wheel since he was a tike,
At age forty he'd say,
A trike was his way,
Since, he fell on his face off his bike.

Friday, August 22, 2014

MY SPACECRAFT RAN INTO A STAR

My Spacecraft by L. Brandt
My spacecraft ran into a star,
Now, my spacecraft will not go,
And, I did not pay my insurance bill,
So, I cannot get a tow,

I'm now stranded way out in deep space,
My oxygen is running low,
No one answers calls to my place,
And, I can't reach my good friend Joe,

I'd like to order pizza,
But, there's limits on my doe,
Alone and hungry in deep space,
There are no limits on my woe. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

HOW TO ATTRACT A SEAGULL WHILE SKIING

I took my goldfish water skiing,
He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing,
He was of course heard,
By a big seagull bird,
So much for his well-being.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

THINGS THAT EAT AND DRINK MY STUFF POEM

Chipmunk ate my cupcake,
Squirrel ate my  asthma pill,
Otter ate my fish,
Rabbit ate my dill,

Bear drank my moonshine, 
River ate my road,
Rust ate my pickup truck,
A tornado ate my abode.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

LITTLE DONNY CURED HIS BACK-TO-SCHOOL JITTERS LIMERICK

Little Donny had the back-to-school jitters,
So, he packed up his bugs, snakes and mice critters,
At school Donny felt quite at home,
Then, his critters started to roam,
Soon, his class became on-top-of-desk sitters. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

MR. ROBIN REMEMBERED

Mr. Robin had a broken wing,
But, he'd still tell jokes and act and sing,
He did his best, 
For us chicks in the nest,
He'll be remembered for doing that thing.

Friday, July 4, 2014

I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK II

Jimmy thought education was king, 
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.


Thursday, June 26, 2014

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

HOW DO FISH GET WATER OUT OF THEIR EARS

How do fish get water out of their ears,
If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears,
Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro,
And, up and down don’t you know,
 Erratic behavior, until their condition clears.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

SINISTER SPIDERS ON MY WINDOWSILL

Some sinister spiders sit on my sill,
They think web-weaving is the ultimate thrill,
But, I'll give them some news,
Be careful what choose,
Or, be squished spider-spleen on the grill.  Yum, Yum!


Sunday, June 22, 2014

CHICKEN CAM HAM

There once was a chicken named Cam,
She laid eggs that were all full of ham,
But, the pigs on the farm,
Said ham-eggs did them harm,
So, Cam laid eggs full of blueberry jam.