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Sunday, December 28, 2014

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

Monday, December 22, 2014

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.



Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.







Monday, December 15, 2014

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

Friday, December 12, 2014

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,
Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,
So, I just thought it was best,
To lay my pogo to rest,
Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

MY PET BAT GAVE ME RABIES

I had a giant bat,
That lived underneath my sink,
It's body was pitch black,
But, it's tongue was a bright pink,

It liked to lick my forehead,
And bite me on the nose,
And, when I laid down to sleep at night,
It would nibble on my toes,

I got use to my big bat,
It was like he was a pet,
He was not a flying rat,
But, a friend that I had met,

So, I was not very happy,
When my pet bat flew away,
I then came down with rabies and,
Wished I could make that big bat pay.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I WENT DEER HUNTING WITH A SLINGSHOT LIMERICK

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot,
My luck was real good, really not,
The shot bounced off of the deer,
Got lodged in my ear,
And, there it must stay till I rot.


Friday, November 14, 2014

I'M NOT READY FOR DEAR HUNTING THIS YEAR

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year, 
I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear,
For some doe I won't trifle,
So, I bought buckshot for my riffle,
And, the fit is not really clear.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

IT'S HARD TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBRE

I was lectured a patriotic quote
On how I must go out and vote,
But, I couldn't check any box,
For I shook with detox,
And, my flask was in my other coat.

Monday, November 3, 2014

MY ELECTION DAY CHOICES LIMERICK

On election day I just could not choose,
Whoever won meant that I would then lose,
So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries."
For food tells no lies,
Except, for judges I voted for "Booze." 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

ON ELECTION DAY

On election day I din't capitulate,
And, vote for any names approved by the state,
So, I wrote my own in,
Oh wow, what a sin,
I'll be in prison until 3008. 


Saturday, November 1, 2014

JOHN'S JOB INTERVIEW

John could not find any socks that matched at all,

He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall,
He knew his job interview,
Went completely phew,
When, the interviewer said "I won't call".

Friday, October 24, 2014

THE DANGEROUS MALE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman,
I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin,
I petted his head,
He bit me, I'm dead,
My stupid was recalled at my sermon.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME WITH A TREE-LIMERICK

Feeble was my little tree,
That I had cultivated for history,
It was for future generations to see,
Of what really mattered to me,
It died, the dried leaves made my tea.

Friday, October 3, 2014

RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

THE FRUITY SOUP LIMERICK

Mark was becoming a big fellow,
So, he decided to diet on jell-o,
But, too much water in the goop,
Just made fruity soup,
Some Bourbon in the soup made Mark mellow.
 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

AN END TO HOEING

Now I have two peppers growing,
I hope they're ripe before the snowing,
The northern fall,
Brings death to all,
But, at least an end to constant hoeing.

Monday, September 1, 2014

THE LABOR DAY LIMERICK FOR ME

On Labor Day I don't like to work,
Being unemployed gives me that perk,
And, who wants the money,
When the day is so sunny,
Besides, the pay is so low for a clerk.



Thursday, August 21, 2014

HOW TO ATTRACT A SEAGULL WHILE SKIING

I took my goldfish water skiing,
He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing,
He was of course heard,
By a big seagull bird,
So much for his well-being.

Friday, July 4, 2014

I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK II

Jimmy thought education was king, 
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.


Thursday, June 26, 2014

HOW DO FISH GET WATER OUT OF THEIR EARS

How do fish get water out of their ears,
If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears,
Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro,
And, up and down don’t you know,
 Erratic behavior, until their condition clears.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

CHICKEN CAM HAM

There once was a chicken named Cam,
She laid eggs that were all full of ham,
But, the pigs on the farm,
Said ham-eggs did them harm,
So, Cam laid eggs full of blueberry jam.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I MADE CORNMEAL BISCUITS LIMERICK

I made some biscuits with cornmeal,
I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal,
But, my family said "NO!,"
My biscuits had to go,
Thus, my baked goods have little appeal.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

RHUBARB WINE OR RUM

Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum,
The melodious phrases should be why the curious come,
The story of rhubarb wine has been debugged,
The wine is undrinkable unless quickly chugged,
Rhubarb wine just can't compare to spiced rum. 

Monday, March 31, 2014

THERE WAS A PIG NAMED ROCKET

There was a pink pig named rocket,
One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket,
It kept popping out,
It would land on his snout,
He'd put it away in his pocket.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I MARRIED A NINJA NAMED ROSE

I married a ninja named rose,
In various positions she’d pose,
I checked out a girl named Clare,
And, to my demise and despair,
I found out how far Rosey throws.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

THE IDES OF MARCH COME ONCE AGAIN

The Ides of March come once again, 
My stored foods have gone bad, there's nothing for din,
My apples are soggy,
My canned foods are all foggy,
My taters sprout out of their bin.
 

Friday, March 14, 2014

THE KING OF COLORS

The King of Colors presents,
To his colorless, subjugated peasants,
His colorful wealth,
That he hides not with stealth,
Like peacocks more than pheasants.


Sunday, March 9, 2014

LARRY AND THE RAT TRAP

A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese,
He had no manners and never said please,
He saw a really big chunk,
Just started eating, “Kerplunk!”
The rat trap got old Larry with ease.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

JIM THE RATTLESNAKE

There was a rattlesnake named Jim,
He would bite you on a whim,
But, along came a bear,
That Jim did not scare,
Now in heaven Jim hisses his hymn.

Jim the rattlesnake was awfully mean,
He bit everything that he had seen,
But, from above,
Jim fell in love,
With a rattlesnake named Darlene.

Friday, February 28, 2014

THE LAST DAY IN FEBRUARY LIMERICK

February has found it's last day,
Another month of very low pay,
Will I find a job that's  better,
So, I can resign with a letter,
Or, can I find a barn with a stack of warm hay.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

THE NEIGHBORHOOD STORE

I went down to the neighborhood store,
The prices were higher than ever before,
I found the main man,
I asked “tell what you can?”,
He said he got married and his wife wanted more.

Monday, February 24, 2014

SAVANNAH TOO SMART THE GREEK

In college Savannah became a Greek,
It was an honors frat so she was a geek,
No one knows,
Savannah’s woes,
She was made fun of for being a brain freak.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED SAM

There once was a fat pit named Sam,
He feared he was fattened for ham,
He acted real mean,
To his owner, Colleen,
So, she decided to sell him for Spam.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

HARVEY THE LEPRECHAUN SINGS

Harvey was a Leprechaun,
He dressed in royal purple, not green,
He thought that he was royalty,
A distant cousin of the queen,

Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self,
He had a genetic test done to claim it,
But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir,
His cause had become a lame bit,

Now Harvey’s dress is all in green,
And, believes he is a very great singer,
Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean,
He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.



Saturday, February 15, 2014

A VAMPIRE SUCKS YOUR BLOOD

A vampire wants to suck down your blood,
But, he might not do it if your life is a dud,
You must be an overachiever,
Dedication like a beaver,
And, be someone who is not just a crud.


Friday, February 14, 2014

FEBRUARY IN THE MID

February in the mid,
Is when snow-fairies stay hid,
The snow-fairies are small,
Can't take cold at all, 
So, they hide until the cold weather is rid.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

MY BROKER GAVE ME THE LATEST NEWS

My broker has given me the latest news,
He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze,
As he drank rum and coke,
He said I was broke,
Then, said he'd be going on his Caribbean cruise.

Monday, February 10, 2014

THE PINK ORANGUTAN

One day after I had some beer,
Everything became real clear,
I looked outside and I could see,
A pink orangutan in my tree,

As I watched him from my little ranch,
He wound around on every branch,
When he saw my Steele glare,
He waved to acknowledge I was there,

The next day I could not see,
The pink orangutan in my tree,
My stomached ached and forehead throbbed,
‘My pink orangutan was gone’’, I sobbed,

At last I lost my very last tear,
Then, I realized my greatest fear,
For the orangutan had taken care,
To at least acknowledge I was there.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

WINTER BEGINS AGAIN AND AGAIN

Because Winter begins again and again,
I wonder in what life I made so much sin,
The snow never stops,
It's too cold to brew hops,
Without beer there is no way to win.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

THE EX

Contacting my daughter I had to abort,
In case I had to pay back child support,
My ex-wife was such a terrible menace,
She ran off with the man that taught her tennis,
I should not have to pay for his comfort.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

A PSYCHIC NAMED MARGO MABLE

There was a psychic named Margo Mabel,
She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table,
First she would dine,
Then, she’d drink lots of wine,
The wine caused her psychic mind to enable.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

THE 2014 LIMERICK

HAPPY NEW YEAR
                     The year 2014 has started,
           And, we remember the dearly departed,
                      If by the end of this year,
                       We're all standing here,
             We'll know that 2014 was kindhearted.