FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars, and drank.

1823

SILENCE OF THE CAR PHONE

I thought I would make a car phone,
So, I got a long cord on a loan,
But, the cord didn't reach car,
Now, I'm still in my car,
And, don't even have a dial tone. 

41223

WORKING CLASS CLONES

There are millions of clones wandering our fine city streets,

They work in banks, and stores and restaurants making our eats,

Do the working clones really know?

They're just a piece of so and so,

Someone should tell them, they perform their lives as copied meats.

RURAL TOWN MICHIGAN FEEDS ON TOURIST, DOLLARS

I live in the state of Michigan, in a little town called, Wrong Turn,

No human person should ever come here, but people will never learn,

They think the town name is a laugh,

Until, the chainsaw cuts them in half,

Then, the family queries begin of a missing person, concern.

 

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So, I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

21822

THE EATER OF BUGS LIMERICK

There was a praying mantis named Sid,
Old mantis Sid stayed perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
It had sung it's last song,
Then, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

1823

I RAN OUT OF GUMMIES AND GOT FIRED

I ran out of gummy bears, and didn't have any for a week,

So, my job performance suffered, now a new job I must seek,

I vow to never run out of gummies again,

And, I have a backup plan that consists of gin,

I don't know what to tell the wife, who thinks gummy bears, a sin.

BAR FIGHTING ON MARS

I got into a fight at one of the bars,

That always happens, when bar hopping on Mars,

The martian body is like a solid rock,

It is hard to hurt them, while they clean your clock,

And a loss on Mars means human heads get jars.

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.

9422
 

I FOUGHT A VIKING, AND GOT PAIRED

I was sword fighting with a Viking, and I got a surprise,

After I sprayed the Viking with pepper spray, right between the eyes

The Viking swung his sword through the air,

Cut me right in half, made me a pair,

Then I understood what dad said, "those who sword fight a Viking, dies".

ROOMMATES EAT ME?

I've got so many rats inside, and they keep biting me on my feet,

I think that they must be testing me, to see if I am good to eat,

Two can play that sneaky game,

I talk nice to try to tame,

The question is, which of us will end up as the other's dinner meat.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

92423

A SPACE ALIEN POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

91923

THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

8523

I TRIED TO EAT MY BOOKCASE

I got so hungry I ate my furniture, but the varnish made me sick,

The varnish slowed my heartbeat way, way down, until it barely made a tick,

Then there was a hard, long, splintered, sliver,

That pierced my intestines and my liver,

Still, I know furniture must be edible, I just haven't found the trick.

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

8122

THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.