CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY

I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,

I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,

I knew I must look really stunning,

As patrons laughed, their tears were running,

I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.

HANNIBAL IN THE HAY

Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,

He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,

On one nice, sunny, fine day,

He fell asleep in the hay,

He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.

MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS

Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,

Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,

Mostly, the bugs bite,

But, Sammy ain't bright,

Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.

THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK

It is so strange how decades pile in my past,

It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,

No dead flesh date,

To be worm bait,

Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.

TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs, 

I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,

I ate the goldfish,

The kids named it Trish,

I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.

THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hands,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the lands,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banneds.

THE ALIEN WORM BRAIN INVADERS LIMERICK

Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain,
They control him with both pleasure and pain,
And, sometimes out of Jim's snout,
Some worms will pop out,
To scout for a new mind to train.

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

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TWO PICKLES AND A NIGHTMARE

Randy ate a pair of pickles before bed, on a dare,

But, then he tossed all night with a nasty nightmare,

From his belly Randy dreamt,

There was an exit attempt,

Out his bellybutton slipped the pickles with a pear.

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A BUG DUG

A bug dug under my fingernail,
He bit hard and I let out a wail,
The bug dug in deep,
Which caused me to weep,
I felt better after three pints of ale.

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GOLDIE AND THE SEVEN BEARS

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods,

They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods,

Then one cold winter day,

Goldie stopped by to play,

Goldie showed the bears dance moves, he learned in the hoods.

THE NOSE HAIR SOUP LIMERICK

After work at the restaurant where I recoup,

I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup,

The manager sought to entice,

He charged me only half price,

And, I tied the nose  hairs in a great big hair loop.

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THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED

There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or, divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline. 

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie, 
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.

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THE BONE PICKER LIMERICK

Ted turned a pretty profit in bones,
He picked them up in a pit full of stones,
Skulls and teeth he'd unbury,
Some looked handsome, some scary,
But none as scary as his student loans.

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PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

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WHY I HAVE NO CHAIRS LIMERICK

My relatives eat just pasta and beans,
Hence, in my family there aren't any leans,
So when one sits on a chair,
The weight it won't bear,
I'd buy more chairs but, I've run out of means.

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THERE WAS A PIG NAMED ROCKET

There was a pink pig named rocket,
One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket,
It kept popping out,
It would land on his snout,
He'd put it away in his pocket.

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MY SOCCER CAREER ENDS WITH PAIN

I got a terrible concussion,
Playing soccer against the team of the Prussian,
I took a ball to the brain,
But, I felt little pain,
As off to the hospital I went rushin'.

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GEORGE HAD A HOUND DOG NAMED MOLLY

George had a hound dog named Molly,
Mollie married Danny the collie,
Ten puppies they raised,
But, Danny was crazed,
The pups looked like a bull dog named Ollie.

Molly would eat ice cream all the day,
She didn't exercise or try to play,
She got so big and round,
She bounced on the ground,
Then bounced herself out on the bay.

Molly liked to sleep in the sun,
That was what Molly thought was fun,
When she got a sun burn,
Then over she would turn,
Now Molly weighs more than a ton.

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