TOBOGGAN RIDE, WHEN BUDDIES CRY

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride,

I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide,

We went really fast,

The ride did not last,

We missed a tree, but the toboggan flipped over; it hurt, we cried.

THE POLAR VORTEX

The Polar Vortex has frozen my ginger beer,

Frostbite has taken my left nostril and right ear,

Whirling snow blows around,

Hits my face pound, pound, pound,

And, a huge road grader has snuck up from the rear.

MY MORAL DILEMMA: BURGS OR THE HAPPINESS OF COWS

I always have the chewing and eating of beef burgs, on my brain,

I feel that cattle are my victims; it's brain farts for the insane,

Why for cattle rights, I should care?,

Is a race memory, wiped bare?,

I'll continue eating cattle; wish them a good life with no pain.

THE DANGER OF WINTER KITING

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see,

People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free,

The fancy kites fly way high,

In the cold, windy, blue sky,

Kiters may get a frozen nose, of those, some might die.

THE CONQUISTADORS FROM PLANET EARTH

We're launching our great spacecraft, out to claim planets of the nearest stars,

I'm working with a new AI co-pilot, his name is, "Blast E'm" Lars,

There's six decks of cows to eat,

Warriors love their red, raw meat,

We ate a thousand cows, when we destroyed the empire, found on Mars.

I AM FROM MICHIGAN

People think I am from Japan, because I drive a Toyota,

People listen to my accent, and think I'm from Minnesota,

I will say this once more, again,

I'm from big water, Michigan,

I don't care of what people think of me, not even one iota. 

THE PIMPLE POPPER GOT A JOB

Jimmy got a job as a taxi driver, after being fired from the city bus,

Jimmy grossed out all his cab fares, because he was always popping pimples full of white puss,

Because of his popping pimple sin,

Poor Jimmy, was fired once again,

Jimmy found a job in Michigan, hanging drywall sheets, for his favorite uncle, Gus.

LOOKSMAXXING DIVIDES THE WORLD

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become,

I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in rum,

Gaining piled money and spread out fame,

Is the plan in the looksmaxxing, great game,

Before our eyes our world divides into former friends, and the really awesome.

ICKY VICKY THE SPIDER

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout,

She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinking down a stout, 

Icky Vicky did something that was really bad,

She did to her spouse, what her ma did to her dad,

There wasn't much evidence left about, except chewed spider legs, cleared away doubt.

POVERTY AND OBESITY, HIDE THE MAN I AM.INSIDE

I got real stuck going through my bathroom, shower door,

I eat too many starches, because I am so poor,

I'm as wide as I am tall,

And, I bounce high, if I fall,

Still, I believe there's a thin man living at my core.

WHEN AI DROIDS RULE

All the people of planet earth, have been replaced by human-like, droids,,

Droids are so much better than people, who were just talking hemorrhoids,

All the humans got so bad,

They just lived from fad to fad,

Droids will not go near where humans were living; human smells, one avoids.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.

THE ROADKILL SONG

My family scrapes up roadkill all day and all night, long,

While we scrape up our sweet dinner, we sing this roadkill song,

Fur, skin, bones and the insides,

Over the asphalt it slides,

We're called awful, but since roadkill is tasty, we're not wrong.

A PIGS LIFE FOR ME?

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar,

While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campers", rolling in their squalor,

Every single day,

All they do is play,

Jim decided to join his happy pigs; the castration caused Jim to holler.

THE LOOKSMAXXING FAIL

I tried looksmaxxing, but I was a bigly, facial fail,

I was so ugly, I was hidden away in a jail,

I heard what they all say,

That I will change some day,

And, look less like a frog, and much more like a human male.

2025: DING DONG, THE YEAR IS DEAD

They just dropped their gigantic, sparkling ball, in New York City,

Th New York ball, had changing colors that were so pretty,

It towered many, many feet,

Then it just fell down to the street,

Glad 2025 is dead; may '26, show us some pity.

I MAY BE IGNORANT, BUT I CHOOSE BEEF

I think of humans to be like all other animals, except humans aren't on my menu for dinner,

It sounds like an extremely, ignorant prejudice, but I can't help but pick beef as my dinner winner,

I don't care about a social class,

As food, all humans, I give a pass,

I love to also eat mutton and pork, but those meats stretch out my pants, and I am aiming to grow thinner.

THE CLARINET CONCERTO FOR BUNKER BUMS

I made plans, and built a massive bunker, so I could sleep soundly at night,

I will be quite safe from falling acorns, and such things that give me a fright,

The bunker is 70 feet down deep,

A tomb, where my stored groceries, I keep,

I also have my clarinet, to play for fellow bunker bums, delight.

TIMMY DOES NOT WORK HERE, ANYMORE

Timmy was an odd, little man, who drove a great big, city bus,

If you did not do what Timmy said, he would spit on you and cuss,

Timmy was a disgusting, nasty man,

Quick tempered, and Timmy loved to bus ban,

No one ever liked Timmy, when he got fired, there was no fuss.

SANTA'S SLEIGH CRUSHES TRAILER

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top,

I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop, 

Through the roof came Santa's red sleigh,

The deer followed down, all the way

My remains were cleaned up using a bucket and a mop.

MERRY CHRISTMAS