I CAME IN LAST IN THE TRUMPET BLOW

I played in the trumpet competition, and came in number nine,

My teacher said I sounded o.k., my mama said I did fine,

Being judged number nine out of eight,

Is a very hard to figure fate,

I think that the judges blended tequila, with their apple wine.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

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MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

EDDY BITES TEDDY

I had this big pest, his name was Eddy,

He was a rat, and he pested steady,

Every night,

He'd take a bite,

Out of my sweet, pink, stuffed bear, my Teddy.

THE DAY THE ROOT BEER STOPED

I foretold that the end of the world was near,

During my lunch, when I ran out of sweet, root beer,

The internets are now trending,

Predicting all things are ending,

 I only have cola, and it don't quench my fear.

THE BOOMER GENERATION (LOST IN PLACE)

My big beautiful spaceship, I launched into the air,

I am very afraid that it will need some repair,

Once above a high cloud,

It went"Boom!" kind of loud,,

Big chunks of falling metal, might mess up someone's hair.

APOCALYPSE HUNTER

Although they're easy to catch protein, do not eat too many rats,

They will give you big gas bubbles, and their meats are full of bad fats,

I eat rats five times each week,

Then other vermin, I seek,

Sometimes I will eat bird, if I find them before, the feral cats.

AN EGG SUBSTITUTION GONE BAD

I was going to bake my kid a nice birthday cake,

But the supermarket had no eggs, for me to take,

I subs some baking soda,

It choked my kid named, Rhoda,

When can I get some fresh, laid eggs, oh, for goodness sake?

KING ONLINE

I got an online notice from my king,

Seems I've been saying the wrong kind of thing,

He said I'd better speak nice,

I should heed his advice,

Or in the prison choir I will sing.

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

MOVING THE OVERTON WINDOW FOR PROFIT

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese,

I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly, deep freeze,

It tastes so good,

Chews like soft wood,

I hope this product is more accepted, than my purple honey, puked by bees.

SCHRODINGER'S CAT UNBOXED

My friend Schrodinger, could not find his son's, dead cat,

It was not in the box, where it should of been at,

The mystery did grow,

Then we spied my son, Moe,

With a cat tail hanging from his mouth, what a brat.

I'D EAT THE DOG'S AND CATS, BUT THE NEIGHBORS BEAT ME TO THEM

Prices are way high, and I can't shop for beer,

All of the good stuff, they cannot sell it here,

Can't afford chicken legs,

Forget about any eggs,

When I see a dead rat, I call that meat dear.

BLOODSHOT: A VAMPIRE LIMERICK

Late at night, something scratched at my window, while I laid in bed,

I ignored it for a while, then it was scratching on my head,

It was a vampire rousing my veins,

He drank the blood headed into my brains,

Everyone at work next day, said my eyes were bloodshot red.

LOSING IT AT THE GYM

My buddy ate two pounds of tasty, dried plum,

I told my buddy, he should only eat some,

It was at the local town gym,

My bud lost all foods, within him,

Buddy got banned for spreading poop like a bum.

TRINA AND THE POPSICLE LADY

Trina went outside, and stood in the sub-zero snowstorm,

Trina wouldn't stay inside, because she said it was too warm,

Trina forgot she was old,

Didn't know the hot from the cold,

Trina froze like a popsicle, a mid-winter storm norm.

REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

GARGOYLE GONE

My gargoyle went out on the big lake,

My very best, darn row boat, he did take,

I called him, " come back home",

He was headed towards Rome,

Maybe, a few hundred years, he will take.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Panicked, I quickly called my scam, stockbroker on the phone,

I was mad, so confused, and felt entirely alone,

My tech investments were lost,

My life's labors, the cost,

All I got was the sound of silence, then a dial tone.

EGGS: BEAKS, LEGS AND EYES

I always drive over to Canada, to buy the best breakfast eggs,

Their nice, big eggs don't have little chickens inside, with beaks, eyes and legs,

While eating tater chips with ridges,

I must drive over two long bridges,

Of course, when I come back from Canada, I'll smuggle in a few beer kegs.