THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grisly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

MAMA'S SPECIAL HOMEMADE BOLOGNA

I bought 2 goats off the internets, because the goats, they were charming, 

Until, they got lose in my garden, and my garden, they were harming, 

I sent the goats away,

To my mama's to stay,

She turned them into goat bologna, which I found, very alarming.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

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EAGLES PREFER LAMB

The eagle likes my little lambs; he takes one once a day,

He flies them off into the mountains, that's where my lambs stay,

The eagle once took a rat,

And, a calico barn cat,

But, the rat and cat both wandered home, the very next day.

MY BIRDS ARE ALL BONES

I could not afford to raise chickens to eat, so I raised some chickadees,

Chickadees have almost no flesh to eat; their boney breast, just a meat tease,

I decided just the eggs, I'd eat,

Just a drop of protein was the treat,

Next year I am gonna sell all my birds, and replace them with honey bees.

I DIED LICKING MY FINGERS

I go out to the old, bright, red barn, and I find a dead chicken,

The dead chicken is bloated, half rotted, I eat him, I sicken,

I take a big chance,

On my grave ya'll dance,

The chicken might have been spoiled, but it was still finger lickin'.

A PIGS LIFE FOR ME?

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar,

While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campers", rolling in their squalor,

Every single day,

All they do is play,

Jim decided to join his happy pigs; the castration caused Jim to holler.

THE COW, THE BULL AND KALAMAZOO

I drove on down to the old town, called Kalamazoo,

I bought at a bovine auction, a cow that goes, "moo",

I trained her to loudly sing,

About rainbows and gold bling,

She ran off with a bull, who wore a big brass nose ring.

THE MACAROON MOON

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon,

I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon,

I found one that was pretty,

The moon was itty bitty,

My family all moved there, and baked two types of macaroon.

WILLOW WOOD IN THE RASPBERRIES

 There was a willow growing in my raspberries, and it was getting real big,

I went and sharpened my best shovel, and for the roots, I began to deep dig,

The tangled roots, I chopped out,

Filled the hole, and drank a stout,

I cut the whole tree into firewood, and next summer it will roast my pig.

APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

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THE RIP TIDE PIG

The rip tide is pulling this pig, out to the deep sea,

Where all the great killer sharks will be waiting for me,

They'll see my pink belly,

All full of pig jelly,

The sharks will be swarming for tender pork that is free.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

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BE A CHICKEN, BEA

I had a sweet, pretty chicken; the name was Bea,

Bea thought it was real human, and it talked like me,

I told Bea, "no, no, no",

"Your human talk must go,"

Bea hopped up on my face, and took a poop and pee.

HENS AND CHICKS WATCH FIRE

I pick up many of the biggest, toughest sticks,

I pick up sticks under trees with bark hard like bricks,

Big hard sticks make big hot fire,

Heats cluck klan, that's our desire,

Clucking hens and chirping chicks, watch burn sticks for kicks. 

FAMILY VALUES, PEONIES AND MEAT

I taught my entire coup of chickens, to poop on the peonies,

Poop is a great fertilizer, and the resulting flowers, do please,

Peonies cover the families graves,

Ma, and Pa, and Great Grandpa Big Draves.

Nana ,Grandpa and Aunt Louise, are in the barn, in the meat, deep freeze.  

TOMATOES, THE BAD CROP

This years tomatoes, did not attain the size, big,

The foul taste was like an ancient, rotten, pine twig,

The plants were of bad seed,

I think bred from a weed,

Our labors been lost, the fruits aren't fit for a pig.

SICK SAM THE HAM

There once was a real mean, grouchy old pig, everyone called him, Sick Sam,

He was always blowing his big, snout nose, because he was one old, ill ham,

Sam got syrup, for being sick,

And, got all well, miracle quick,

Sam became a cough syrup spokesperson, and married his sweetheart, Pig Pam.

A HOBO ATE MY HEIFER

I once owned a heifer, and her name was Jane,

She liked eating cow grass, out on the great plain,

She had, pretty, blond hair,

Won a prize, at State Fair,

She was ate by a hobo, he was insane.

I SCARE BIRDS, WITH MY CHERRY BOOM

Because my cherry trees are all blooming,

They will make fine cherries, I am assuming,

I'll have food to eat,

They will be a treat,

I'll guard them with my gun that goes booming.