Translate

Search This Blog

Thursday, December 31, 2015

IT''S NEW YEARS EVE AND I'M WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON KING TUT

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary,
Ran off with some dude she called Barry,
Even my pup ran off with some mutt,
Leaving me watching a documentary on the life of king Tut,

I’m so very glad that this year,
Has reached its imminent demise,
I shed not a single tear,
I hope next year I’ll be wise,

No girlfriends for me,
No pets for me anymore,
I’ll cherish the time I am free,
While only myself I’ll adore.



Wednesday, December 30, 2015

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

TIM AND MIKE PLAYED LAWN JARTS OUTSIDE

Tim and Mike played lawn jarts outside,
Hitting the target gave a great since of pride,
But, neither was a stranger,
For lawn jarts are a danger,
Still, poor Mike got stuck in the side.

Monday, December 28, 2015

I GOT TO WORK WHEN IT SNOWS

I went out to use my snow thrower,
But, something was wrong with the blower,
Then my snow shovel broke,
And my old car wouldn’t choke,
To work I’ll hire someone to tow her.

I got to work when it snows,
Or my future will get a hose,
I'll be fired late today,
When the boss calls in his say,
From the Greek archipelagos.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

THE FISH WITH JUST ONE FIN

There once was a fish with just one fin,
He swam around and around again,
All in circles he went,
Till his fuel was all spent,
Then a big catfish made him his din.

Friday, December 25, 2015

SANTA ON CHRISTMAS DAY

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe,
He had just opened up a new can of fresh tripe,
His job was now over,
No coin till October,
But, Mrs. Claus could get work; she could type.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

DON'T BE LATE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER

Christmas turkey meal,
Really late, not much food left,
Skin, gravy, half bun.

Day off, sleep in, late,
Christmas dinner done, no food,
Present, alarm clock.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

THE CHRISTMAS THREE

Jessie was told to setup a Christmas tree,"
But, earwax caused Jessie to hear "Christmas Three,"
Jessie worked day and night,
To make his three look just right,
It looked so nice everyone just let it be.




Tuesday, December 22, 2015

TINA HAD A SILVER DOLLAR COLLECTION LIMERICK

Tina had a silver dollar collection,
Each night she’d get them out for her inspection,
To her numismatic joy,
Two of them had a boy,
She found a fifty- cent Franklin by detection.

Monday, December 21, 2015

ED THE CHRISTMAS HAM

My favorite little pig is Ed,
He has these big brown eyes,
But, when it comes to a Christmas ham,
He'll have a big surprise.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

I MADE A CHEESE-BALL WITHOUT CHEESE

I made a holiday cheese-ball without cheese,
Because, dairy makes my kinfolk wheeze,
But, the sawdust and dust,
Gave my cheese-ball a crust,
I guess some people you just cannot please.




Thursday, December 17, 2015

I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

BEVERLY MADE A RASPBERRY PIE LIMERICK

Beverly made a pretty raspberry pie,
It had a great smile yet, only one eye,
But, before you could sneeze,
She made an eye patch out of cheese,
Now her pie looks like the pirate Captain Bly,

Friday, December 11, 2015

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

MISSY TRIED TO PLAY THE FRENCH HORN

Missy tried to play the French horn,
But, the music was so forlorn,
It wasn’t just sad,
It was ugly and bad,
It’s too bad the French horn was born.

Friday, December 4, 2015

TURNED IN BY LITTLE GOODY-TWO-SHOES

Little Goody-Two-Shoes has turned me in once again,
It seems that my loud, obscene music is a nasty sin,
However, Little Goody-Two-Shoes,
Don't understand real strong booze,
When loud and obnoxious, is a natural win.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

MY BEST DATE LIMERICK

I like going to restaurants and dining alone,
That sets up the evening for a positive tone,
I spend half the money,
I think my jokes are all funny,
And, don't waste time the next day on the phone.

Monday, November 30, 2015

A WILD PIG STEALS MY PAPER

A wild pig steals my paper each day,
What he does with it I really can’t say,
But, I don’t think it is funny,
Cause it cost so much money,
He gets my paper and Istill  have to pay.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

WHY I CAN'T HUNT NO MORE

I went out hunting bear,
The bear went out hunting me,
I dropped my gun and went on the run,
But, the bear beat me to my RV,

I went out hunting deer,
I shot at an enormous buck,
I missed and hit a little doe,
My fine could have bought truck,

I went out hunting turkeys,
But, I did not see a one,
I accidentally shot my neighbors goose,
Now, a judge says my hunting's done.

Friday, November 27, 2015

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING UP

John's elevator went to the very top floor,
But, when he got there he couldn't open the door,
So, to avoid having a stroke,
John lit up a smoke,
And, the sprinkler started to pour.

 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well, my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,
He was the greatest chef around,
He made his meals all from scratch,
Then, fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,
 To show off some cooking feats,
For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,
With pickled marinated beets,
 
Bobby cooked a turkey,
Until it's skin was golden brown,
Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,
It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,
He added cheddar cheese,
He also added ground black pepper,
This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,
He added carob seed,
He mixed in all the greens he found,
But, mostly it was weed.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

IN THE DEER-WOODS I SET UP A TENT

In the deer-woods I set up a tent,
I set up a wood-stove and piped out a vent,
Heat was my desire,
But, my whole tent caught fire,
So, out to the cold woods I went.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A SNOWMAN NAMED BILL

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He always had a bad chill,
But, one sunny day,
Bill melted away,
So, getting warm wasn't a thrill.

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He sat on the side of a hill,
As the snow melted one day,
Bill slid down like a sleigh,
And, he forgot to leave us a will.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

DAVID THE YOUNG MAN OF DREAD

David was a young man of dread,
He was always unhappy in his head,
He looked down and not up,
Like some sad little pup,
While, blue skies hid dark clouds in their stead.



Friday, November 20, 2015

THE OYSTER EATING SUNFISH

There was a sunfish that liked to eat oyster,
He marinated it to make it much moister,
He once invited over a date,
But, his oyster did not rate,
It had the texture of rope from a cloister.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

MY DROOLING DOBERMAN AND I

My doberman is really cruel,
He stands over my pizza to drool,
He smiles with no care,
And, that I can't bare,
Just wait until his license renewal.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

CELL PHONE HAIKU

Cell phone, static noise,
Sister's birthday, call dropped twice,
Communication?

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

MY FAILURE TO BAKE A GOOD CAKE

My cake was a bit overdone, 
The frosting was a watery run,
 And, the flavor I fear,
Was like old skunky beer,
And, heaving vomit for weeks was not fun.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

VINNY THE HANDYMAN

Vinny hung a picture up on the wall,
He hung it wrong and watched it fall,
Vinny laid down linoleum in front of the door,
He used the wrong glue so up came the floor,

Vinny rewired his old VCR,
When he plugged it in the flames shot up real far,
Vinny motorized an old go cart,
But, he was never able to get it to start,

Vinny realized he was no handyman,
So, he went to the kitchen to play pot and pan,
But, there it was evident that he was not a chief,
His baked goods were hard and he burned the roast beef.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.



Friday, November 13, 2015

I WONDER WHERE MY TOOLS ALL WENT

I wonder where my tools all went,
Did the neighbor bring back the ones I lent?
Did someone find my tools had quite an appeal,
And, take the time to just out-and-out steal?
Was it my cousin or brother?
Or, maybe grandmother?
If I didn't need tools it wouldn't be such a big deal.

RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Gooddell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,
When she bites me I'll let out a yell.

 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

A LITTLE LIE TO MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT MY HOME

I'm afraid I told my girlfriend a little fib,
When I bragged about my fabulous crib,
She was taken aback,
With my tar papered shack,
And, jabbed her elbow right into my rib.   

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

THE HEALTH CARE FRAUD LIMERICK

Jim's doctor does claims for fraudulent health care,
The doctor makes loads of money and Jim is aware,
For Jim fakes a heart attack,
And gets a hefty kickback,
You see there's lots of government money to share.  

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

THE UNSEEN DEER LIMERICK

There was a deer that was completely unseen,
He was hiding in branches real thick and real green,
To the hunters despair,
They saw no deer there,
At deer camp the hunters drank and went mean.

Monday, November 9, 2015

THE FISH IN MY YARD LIMERICK

I had a fish in my yard,
He went and ate my swiss chard,
He was such a savage, 
He ate all of my cabbage,
He brags about it everywhere like a bard.   

Sunday, November 8, 2015

ZOMBIE TREAT

There were nothing but zombies left on my street,
They were all looking for someone with big brains to eat,
But, because I don't dig they're groove,
I guess I'll just move,
And, not end up some zombie's lunch treat.

BEETLE BUGS IN MY RUGS

I went to clean my kitchen rugs,
They were full of beetle bugs,
They were thrown out the door,
I went down to the store,
Bought new rugs infested with slugs.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

I CUT THE CABLE TV BUT, I DID NOT CUT THE ELECTRIC WIRE

When I dug a hole to plant a red maple tree,
Oops!  I cut the cable to my cable TV,
But, the cut electrical wire,
Which caused a neighborhood fire,
I didn't do so, please don't blame me.



Friday, November 6, 2015

MY TURKEY MABEL WON'T BE SERVED ON MY TABLE

My turkey Mabel looked really nice,
Prancing around and pecking lice,
So, my turkey Mabel,
Won't be served on my table,
The restaurant paid a great price.



 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.
 

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

THE DASHSHUND DAN LIMERICK

Poor Dachshund Dan,
He wanted to walk like a man,
But, when he walked on two legs,
It was like he was moving stiff pegs,
And, he was stumbling around when he ran.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

MY CHICKENS ARE MOVING REAL SLOW

My chickens are moving so slow,
They blame the cold and the snow,
But, if the cold they can't beat,
I guess they're ready to eat,
Tomorrow I'll let them all know.


Monday, November 2, 2015

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT WORMS (IN MY SOUP)

I complained about a worm in my soup,
It squirmed around in a loop,
It was not spaghetti,
And, I don't think I'm petty,
For, at the bottom of the bowl was a group.


Sunday, November 1, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.





Friday, October 30, 2015

KINDERBEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Kinderbean was a leprechaun,
Upon Halloweeners he'd prey upon,
If you set down your candy bag,
He'd steal it as a gag,
But, he was caught and now he's a con.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

THE HALLOWEEN GHOST-FISH



I ate for dinner a Halloween ghost-fish,
It had flavor but it had no nutrish,
Although, it tasted like salmon,
It did not ease my famine,
But, my cat still licked clean my fish dish.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

THERE IS A REASON HAIKU

There is a reason,
Born, live, save life, make life, be,
No terms, just worms, see.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke in my cabin and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.
,

Monday, October 26, 2015

MY ZOMBIE GIRL

I love my zombie girl so much
I know I must be mad,
But, when my zombie girl is out of touch,
My heart just feels so sad.

I love my zombie girl so much,
I know she does real bad,
But, I love my zombie girl so much,
When I’m with her I am so glad.

I love my zombie girl I do,
I love her if its day or night,
I love my zombie girl I do,
Even when she goes out for a bite,

I love my zombie girl’s big heart,
Even though it does not beat at all,
I understood from the very start,
Eating brains is just nature’s call.


My zombie girl and I are in love,
It won’t be long until we are wed,
Blessed by hell or by heaven above,
We’re the family of the living dead.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

MY BAD ROOMMATES

I used to have some really decent digs,
Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs,
The bathroom was obscene,
Yet, they still were unclean,
And, from my gin bottle they took constant swigs.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

Friday, October 23, 2015

A SILLY SUPER HERO LIMERICK

Ironman, Batman and, Superman one day,
Went fishing for perch far out on the bay,
Ironman became rust,
Batman turned to dust,
While Superman slept all the way.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

DRIED UP PENS


I bought a package of pens that wouldn't write,
The ink was dried up real hard and real tight,
I had to use pencils,
To draw in my stencils,
The pencils made an aesthetic blight.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

PHIL THE FARMER-Limerick

Phil the farmer really likes his lunch,
He eats ham and, cheese, and, cherry punch,
His teeth have gone bad,
And, he lost them, so sad,
He can't eat anything that goes crunch.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I BOUGHT LARGER BLUE JEANS

In order to feel thinner I bought larger blue jeans,
I went out to dance at all the popular scenes,
But, when I danced around,
My jeans slipped off to the ground,
I guess humility is something one weans.

Monday, October 19, 2015

THE BLACK BEAR POEM

Yesterday I had a scare,
I ran into a big black bear,
He was 500 lbs of brawny muscle,
I didn't feel so well after our tussle,
But, my bones will mend and my scars will heal,
The best thing of all is I was not a meal.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Saturday, October 17, 2015

WHEN MY REMOTE CONTROL DIED

I happened to drop my remote control,
It sank to the bottom of my goldfish's bowl,
My remote control died,
My goldfish was fried,
After the service I buried them both in a hole.


Friday, October 16, 2015

TERMITES DID A NUMBER ON MY SNOWBOARD LIMERICK

Looking at the snow I did ponder,
That I could snowboard way out yonder,
But, my ponderings were a bust,
Termites made my board dust,
So, all the days of snow I must squander.


Thursday, October 15, 2015

THERE WAS AN OLD BISON NAMED JOE

There was old bison named Joe,
He stepped on farmer Jacks little toe,
Joe said he was sorry,
But, Jack brought round his lorry,
Now off to the market they go.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

THE ROTTEN FIGS LIMERICK

The figs I ate were rotten,
That's why they were cheaply gotten,
So, when at a store,
Don't buy like you're poor,
Or, on the floor you will be vomit blot'en.  


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

BARRY THE VAMPIRE LIKED AN ICE CREAM CONE

Barry the vampire liked an ice cream cone,
But, his allergies gave him a funny skin tone,
He turned really grass green,
Vampires thought him unclean,
Now, he is sucking down blood all alone.

Monday, October 12, 2015

PEABODY SMITH

Peabody Smith sat on a hill,
He was drinking his brandy,
And having a thrill,

Peabody looked out on his city with delight,
Then the mosquitoes swarmed him,
They started to bite,

He threw off his jigger and ran away,
The mosquitoes kept swarming,
They found Peabody next day,

A coroner happened to be handy, 
He said Peabody lost every last drop of blood,
Filling the mosquitoes with brandy.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

WOE UNTO MY ALARM CLOCK

My alarm clock made a horrible tone
It chilled me all the way to the bone,
I found a big rock,
I smashed-up the clock,
But, the tone came from my cellular phone,

Saturday, October 10, 2015

MR. PIB AND HIS TIME MACHINE

Mr. Pib owned a broken time machine,
Only into the future it found it’s scene,
Pib could not go back in time,
So, he aged from his prime,
Pib got revenge with a crowbar and ball-peen.  

Friday, October 9, 2015

TIM AND HIS TREASURE

Tim found a really large treasure,
He hid it again for good measure,
His brother named Steve,
He just loved to thieve,
Would steal it just for the pleasure.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

ALL POTS ARE THE SAME

My coffee maker went to pot,
I bought it cheap to save a lot,
I went back to the store,
Bought one for much more,
I thought it would be better; it’s not.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

THE DRONE MESSAGES

I was sending messages using a drone,
It was cheaper and cooler than maintaining a phone,
It saved really big bucks,
Then, flew over hunters for ducks,
All that's left is the tale and nosecone.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

JENNY AND THE FULL MOON MONSTERS

Jenny went out alone to see the moon,
It was full and round like a big balloon,
But, she forgot to beware,
For, the werewolves were there,
Now, Jenny sings an angelic tune.

Jenny found monsters,
Under the full moon,
They weren't there for play,
They weren't there to spoon,

They ate her that night,
Many locals will say,
Beneath the moon big and bright,
Until the break of the day,

The werewolves scarfed down Jenny's bones,
Then, filled the night with werewolf tones,
No trace of Jenny was amongst the stones,
Except for her purse and two broken cell phones.

Monday, October 5, 2015

THE TWO PETER POEM

Peter I and Peter II were competitive twins,
They also shared both their virtues and their sins,
They both had a penchant for mutton,
Upon which they each were a gluten,
The one that dies the very fattest, I guess wins.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

OCTOBER THE 4TH AND MY ROBOT NAMED DOUG

It's October the fourth and "oh my,"
My robot named Doug went bye, bye,
Doug went completely insane,
Then, he got on a plane,
And, married an old VCR in Hawaii.


Saturday, October 3, 2015

BERT AND THE PAIL ALE

Bert went to pick up a plastic pail,
Bert had been drinking way too much ale,
Bert slipped and he fell,
Now all is not well,
Bert has a badly busted up tail.

Bert liked to keep his ale in a pail,
He bought 40oz bottles when they were on sale,
He'd drink beer like punch,
For breakfast and lunch,
By dinner he'd sing and regale.

Friday, October 2, 2015

ON HALLOWEEN A WITCH FLEW HER BROOM-Limerick

On Halloween a witch flew her broom,
She flew really low and went Zoom!!!
She hit a rock,
It cleaned her clock,
Her broom then blew up and went Boom!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,
Marched in parade from coast to coast,
They munched on candy,
When it is handy,
That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.




Wednesday, September 30, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A BIKER NAMED FARLEY

There once was a big biker named Farley,
He liked to ride around on his Harley,
His tire blew out,
He flew all about,
And landed in a big field of barley.


There once was a biker named Farley,
He drank lots of beer made with barley,
He drank it too quick
Then he got sick,
And he could not ride home on his Harley.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I USE TO LIKE TO WASH WITH SOAP

I use to really love to wash with soap,
Then, I'd break out and feel like a dope,
There were more than just dimples,
There were millions of pimples,
I still don't know how that I should cope.

Monday, September 28, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A POLAR BEAR NAMED LARRY

There was a polar bear named Larry,
He was fat and slow and harry,
He once caught a seal,
But, when it started to squeal,
Larry dropped it because it was scary.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

WENDELL HAD A WOOD STOVE

Wendell installed a wood stove,
It burned down half his house,
He could have lived in the other half,
But, he was kicked out by his spouse,

Wendell lived out on the street,
He was not so very fine,
He lost his shoes and had bare feet,
But, was comforted with wine,

Wendell had it really good,
But, made a really big mistake,
So, if your heat source uses wood,
Install it right for goodness sake.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SARAH

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

Thursday, September 24, 2015

MARTA'S WICKED WHIRLIGIG,

Martha's wicked whirligig,
It was so fast, so big,
It spun way to fast,
Then, went flying at last,
And, made bacon out of Maribel's pig.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

Monday, September 21, 2015

VICTOR WATCHED THE FIREFLIES LIMERICK

Victor watched the fireflies at night,
He was fascinated by their blinking light,
Victor was not one who thinks,
He just liked those blinky blinks,
Victor was himself not very bright.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

CARL'S HOMEMADE SWEET & SOUR YEAST WINE

Carl's homemade wine tasted like vinegar,
So, he added sugar to the red beast,
It then tasted like really sweet vinegar,
So, Carl added four more packs of yeast,

Now, Carl raves about his red delight,
But, whenever people come over to dine,
They praise the cooking and that said,
Won't touch Carl's sweet & sour yeast tasting wine.  



Thursday, September 3, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A BOATER NAMED FRANK

There once was a boater named Frank,
He kept running up on the bank,
He once missed the dock,
Slammed into a rock,
Of course then his boat quickly sank.

A boater named Frank went out on the bay,
It thundered and lightning all of the day,
His boat motor got popped,
Into the water it dropped,
Then, Frank paddled home all the way.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

PETER WEETER THE TWEETER

Peter Weeter was a Tweeter,
Tweeting he did very well,
Peter Weeter was no eater,
His bones bulged out so you could tell,

Peter Weeter would not stop tweeting,
He’d rather starve to skin and bone,
Then Peter Weeter’s heart stopped beating,
But, no tweets in heaven, only a phone.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

IT'S THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER

It's the first of September,
It's so cold that I'll remember,
No food in the yard,
And, in the house just some lard,
But, the cockroaches deep-fried are quite tender.

Monday, August 31, 2015

BIG FOOTS ATE UP ALL THE BEARS

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here big foots ate up all the bears,
Now will the big foots come for me,
I'm really tender and I think tasty,

Oh big foot, big foot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
You keep me awake from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty big foot please go away,
Birds taste a lot better anyway,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

THERE WAS NOTHING BUT METHANE ON PLANET D



There was nothing but methane on old planet "D",
Then, I lit up my cigar and the planet went "B",
Oh what a day,
It blew me away,
Now, I'm flying at light speed by old planet "Z".

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows and I caught them for bait. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

MR. MEADE WAS AN INSTRUMENTAL STAR

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star,
He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar,
He played in Chicago and New Orleans,
And, in Japan and the Philippines,
From a poor small town he really went far.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

THE NO-SEE- EM FLIES

Jon was attacked by the no-see-em flies,
When attacked in mass everyone dies,
Poor Jon fell asunder,
By the no-see-em plunder,
He never could say his goodbyes.

Friday, August 21, 2015

BONNIE THE BED WETTER BOUGHT TEN SETS OF SHEETS

Bonnie bought ten sets of sheets,
Because her accidents were repeats,
Bonnie bought six gallons of bleach,
Which turned pink sheets a white-peach,

Bonnie had bad times in bed,
It was like an ocean, enough said,
In Vegas it was a safe bet,
That poor Bonnie woke up wet.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.



Tuesday, August 18, 2015

THE NANNY LIMERICK

My nanny sailed away on a ship,
Her nanny job she decided to flip,
And, as to my kids,
She gave them all goodbye bids,
But, she wanted a job that was hip.

THE MONEY VAMPIRE

My banker has a desperate desire,
To be a real life money vampire,
On my credit he sucks,
Charges big interest bucks,
And, my bank fees are going much higher.

Monday, August 17, 2015

NASTY TWEET FOR THE EX LIMERICK

Randy's ex-wife sent him a real nasty tweet,
She said she left him because of his stinky feet,
Randy blamed the wet weather,
And, cheap imported leather,
But, it was foot fungus combined with the heat.
 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

CAROLINE WAS THE LIGHT ON THE BAY

Caroline was the light on the bay,
When she left the light faded away,
I promised that I would change,
But, my voice was out of range,
Now my heart breaks with each passing day.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

TUCKER THE ANGEL SAT IN THE APPLE TREE LIMERICK

Tucker the angel sat in the  apple tree,
He made music playing his ukulele,
He bumped an apple that fell,
Eve saw free food and thought swell,
Eve shared with Adam the fruit but, it wasn't free.

MORAL:  THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES, NOTHING IS FREE

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

JUNIOR EXPLORED HIS ID

Junior decided to explore his id,
But, found out his id was really a a squid,
So, Junior swam out to the sea,
To eat fish and be free,
And, do whatever all squids always did.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

I WENT TO VISIT THE BIG STATE FAIR

I went to the visit the big state fair,
Lots of big cows and fat piggys were there,
The chickens looked lean,
The goats were just mean,
The sheep all had mange and no hair.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

MY BOSS MR. WENDELL

Wendell was a wild weird wart,
With whopping wicked ways,
He cried over each labor cost report,
And, rewarded workers with false praise.

And, if workers asked for a raise,
Wendell would really weep,
Then, he’d replace those workers Ono, dos, tress,
Well, Wendell was a creep.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

TONY RIDES HIS PIG LIMERICK

Tony liked to ride his pig,
Out to the yearly truffles dig,
But, the pig wouldn't use his snout,
Until he had a pint of good stout,
And, a hand-rolled menthol-flavored brown cig.    

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

TONY'S FISH SANDWICH LIMERICK

Tony's fish sandwich was all full of bones,
They got stuck in his throat and gave Tony moans,
Tony's next sandwich was jelly,
Which put aches in his belly,
Now, Tony just licks ice cream cones.


Monday, August 3, 2015

THE PIE-FILLING GUT-GAS OF STEVE

Stevie liked his pastries full of pie-filling,
He'd eat them all day if his belly was willing,
But, he never did think,
The pie filling could stink,
When the gas in his guts was just killing.


Sunday, August 2, 2015

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE LIMERICK

Bye, bye heat wave with the new falling rain, 
But, the lightning strike has caused me so much pain, 
I know that I’m not dead,
Cause I feel pain in my head, I can’t afford a hospital bed, 
So, I’ll drink some homemade hooch instead.

I ONCE BECAME SO PARANOID

I once became so paranoid,
That I stopped eating glue,
Because I thought it might contain,
A horse of two I knew,

I once became so paranoid,
I thought my goldfish might attack,
I was so afraid I wouldn't clean his jar,
And, found him lying on his back,    

I once became so paranoid,
I thought the sun would rise no more,
So, I bought ten thousand light bulbs,
And, cleaned out the light bulb store.


Friday, July 31, 2015

IT'S 2015 AND THE LAST DAY OF JULY

It's 2015 and the last day of July,
I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly,
He out flies my flyswatter,
So, my anger grow hotter,
Oh, why can't this fly simply die.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

HIS GIRLFRIEND SANG WAY OUT OF TUNE

My poor little ferret,
He just could not bear it,
Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune,

My poor little ferret,
Told his girlfriend her voice did not merit,
An encore so, he sits alone 'neath the moon.
 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

NATASHA THE SUNFISH AND HER CELLPHONE

Natasha the sunfish was on her cellphone all day,
Yet, the cellphone din't work when deep in the bay,
 But, way up on the beach,
The cell signal did reach,
So, on the beach Natasha decided to stay.

Monday, July 27, 2015

GEORGIA BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN

Georgia burned her house all up,
Because she used a paper cup,
For a cheap ashtray,
A paper cup didn’t pay,
Now she has nowhere to sup.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

THE BALLAD OF DARREN AND KARREN MAILBOXES

There was a big mailbox named Darren,
A box down the street was named Karen,
Without a push or a shove,
They could never find love,
So, their hearts would always be barren.

Darren was a mailbox,
He loved Karen down the street,
Although their hearts were locked in love,
Their posts were in concrete.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

THE COLD-SHOCK-QUICKIE

When it gets really hot and really sticky,
All jump into the pool for a cold-shock-quickie,
But, going from hot, hot to cold, cold,
Should be only for the real bold,
For the rest will scream and become sickie.  


Friday, July 24, 2015

WHEN THE FIRST BIRDS BUILT A NEST JIMMY CHEERED

When the first birds built a nest Jimmy cheered,
For the winter lasted longer than he feared,
His food was all gone,
He had no stuff left to pawn,
All he had left was to chew on his beard.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

ODE TO GRANDMA MABEL

It was great to sit at the dinner table,
Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel,
Her entrees were prophetic,
Of the beef roast tasting poetic, 
And, cherry pies most touted in fable.


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

PIZZA MAN LIMERICK

Pizza Man works really hard for his tips,
If he gets none he will puff out his lips,
So, get out some bucks,
You tight old dumb clucks,
Or, you'll receive Pizza Man's finger flips.

There was a guy they called Pizza Man,
He made deep dish pizza in a pan,
He delivered them too,
In his van painted blue,
When his van broke down then, he ran.

In my town Pizza Man was a star,
If he was coming you'd stop your car,
He had the right of way,
So, you had to obey,
For Pizza Man must travel afar.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

BARNEY WAS A PIG WITH HANDS AND FEET-Limerick

Barney was a pig with hands and feet,
He thought cloven hooves did not look neat,
But, with his feet and his hands,
He could be eaten in more lands,
Soon Barney the pig was just a meat.

Monday, July 20, 2015

GRANDMA MARGE

I had a grandma named Marge,
Grandma Marge was not very large,
In fact, she was very small,
But, when all the chips were flat down,
She'd turn upside down your fat frown,
For her heart was real wide and real tall.

GRANDMA SUE

There was a grandma named Sue,
She loved to dress-up in blue,
Her hair was bright red,
And, she was well fed,
Sue was kind to all that she knew.

Sue was a grandma who worked really hard,
She kept her house clean and fixed up her yard,
When the kids came around,
She'd get down on the ground,
She was fun and oh what a card.