MY FAMILY GOT RICH, AND I BECAME BEAR SCAT

I bought lots of life insurance, in case I got eaten by a bear,

I then got ate by a bear, but the wife and kids did not really care,

Insurance paid a million dollars in money,

Their dark days of mourning me, turned  very sunny,

The wife bought a much younger man; the kids each bought a crib in Bellaire.

MY BEST FRIEND BIT THROUGH MY JEANS, THEN RAN OFF WITH A GIRL

I use to have a pet weasel, I raised, and I named my weasel,  Sammy Poo,

You would have to be really careful, or he might take a bite right out of you,

He once bit through my Levi britches,

That's when he gave me 18 stitches,

One day, Sammy ran off with a weasel girl; he was all grown up, who knew?

DADDY CLEANS FISH (EYES WIDE OPEN)

Daddy told me that fish don't feel any pain, when you scrape off all their scales,

He said fish just feel a soft, soothing tickle, when you pull out their entrails,

Daddy said the fish all think it's really funny,

When you cut off their heads and the blood gets runny,

But, those fish head eyes looked really mad, so I rushed them out to the garbage pails.

THE THREE BEARS GOT HORNED

Three fierce Michigan, grizzly bears, went hunting the great unicorn,

They said the meat tastes best, if the unicorn has a big horn,

When they caught up to the huge, horned beast,

The big bears pictured having a feast,

The unicorn horn punctured each bear, making the bears unborn.

THOUGHTS ON THE MAGIC FLUTE

I went to the old opera house to see The Magic Flute,

Mozart made that opera, and it became a hot times, toot,

People still turn out, in this age and day,

To watch fancy dressed singers, sing away,

Mozart should be proud of his long, lasting work; such fun, a hoot. 

TENTING IN THE WOODS: ANIMAL SPIRITS

Three spirits came to visit me, while I was sleeping in my tent,

The first one was a fox; he hated humans, and was there to vent,

"Humans were forbidden from entering these great woods,"

Then, came a chipmunk spirit;  he ate my snacky goods.

Then, showed up a wolf spirit; he ate my legs to collect the rent.

LITTLE BRO ATE MY PET AND GOT A HUG

I walked out into the deepest lake water with my jug,

In my jug I caught a quick diving, big, black water bug,

My little bro wanted to eat my bug, pet,

I called little bro out with a dollar bet,

Little bro ate my bug then puked, and ma gave him a hug.

LEIGH AND LEO: BOWLING BALLS IN THE GUTTER, AND A SATURDAY NIGHT FIGHT

Leigh and Leo went out bowling, every Saturday night,

Leigh accused Leo of cheating, so they got into a fight,

The fight continued a bigly, forty days,

The upset cats went to stay with Mr. Hays,

The fight ended, when Leigh made Leo some cheese nachos to bite.

MY DAUGHTER DANCED LIKE A RAT, AND WE ALL GOT RICH

I always thought I'd make lots of money, but I never had a really great chance,

Until, I put my little daughter on the internet, to show her cute Rat Dance,

Overnight, I was a millionaire,

With my wife and daughter, I did share,

We all moved into a great big mansion house, in a small hamlet, in Southern France. 

DREAMING AND DROOLING: FATTY MEATS

I went to Ohio, where really big farmers raise giant ears of field corn,

Corn makes farm animals fat and quit tasty, with tender meat that can be torn,

The greasy meat makes me drool,

That's a look I think is cool,

In restaurants, meat eaters grunt, belch and fart, while veggie eaters sit and scorn.

LEIGH AND LEO LOST SOME TEETH

Leigh and Leo went to the big city to see their dentist guy,

At the dentist, they each lost a tooth, which made them each have a cry,

Because they both loved their sugary sweets, 

Tooth decay discussions were in their tweets,

Leigh and Leo promised the dentist, they'd brush and floss, then said "bye".

EPSILON CHARLIE

Charlie decided to start his own fraternity, that he called "Epsilon Charlie",

Charlie was the only member, and he sampled beers made with malt and plain barley,

All his samples were free,

Paid by the fraternity,

The funds had been raised from the sale of his grand daddy's Harley. 

GOOD TIMES IN THE LATE 20TH CENTURY

I am going to weed in the garden, I am going to weed there all the day long,

Once I am done weeding in the garden, I will challenge my wife to a game of Pong,

My wife does not know the trick to making a score,

I win every time, her self-esteem is poor,

My brother just got a new video game, it's about some monkey, named Donkey Kong.

WAITING FOR GORDO

We've  been waiting a long time for Gordo,

He's the wisest man that Steve and I know,

Everyone cheers,

When Gordo appears,

He'll affirm our hopes, and terminate woe. 

IF I WERE AN AI

If I were an AI, I'd be an intelligent Leigh,

I would never say, "booger", because vulgar, that would be,

I would not make screeching, animal calls,

Accuse people of farting in the halls,

I'd be a nice AI chap; a better version of me.

ODE TO POVERTY TIMES 2026

I can't afford to pay for housing, food or gas,

I applied for benefits; the gov. took a pass,

My family lives on the street,

The kids have nothing left to eat,

Except, the kids eat the bugs they find in the grass.

THE ABRUPT TURN IN TOLEDO

The people who live in Toledo,

Run around wearing a tight Speedo,

If they turn abruptly about,

Something real ugly might fall out,

And, their rights, the cops will then reado.

I'M A GENIUS ROCKETNEER (ROCKET ENGINEER)

If I have one more Mars targeted, spaceship crash, I'm just going to the moon,

I'm glad deep pockets cover the rocket crashes, or I'd be going broke, soon,

We cannot get our rockets into the air,

My, oh my, it is a personal despair,

The moon is an easier place to go;  we'll go there in a hot air balloon.

THE BOOM OF DOOM FILLED THE ROOM IN

Trina joined the Space Cadets, along with her bestest, old friend, Ben,

Trina had a crush on Ben, and was sure old Benny was a ten,

But, when in the crowded locker room,

Benny's backside made a stinky, "Boom!"

Trina ditched her feelings for Ben, and moved on to Corporal Glen.

LION RIZZ AND THE MONKEY IN A PEAR TREE

There was a big, bumpy lion hunting monkeys in my pear tree,

He had a big bump on his face after he was stung by a bee,

I asked him if it really hurt, and made him sad,

He said no, the bump gave him rizz he never had,

I invited him to dinner; I served him monkey, fried in ghee.