I'M A BACKWOODS CHAUVINIST PIG, BUT I AM HAPPY

I went into the backwoods, when I was 23, 

I built a log cabin; each log was a timbered tree, 

Then ordered a mail order wife,

With 2, I got a filet knife,

I hunt and fish all day; it's the gentry life for me.

THE ENTERPRISE LOST A CAPTAIN

The Captain has left us, yes he did,

He's beyond all stars; way off the grid,

May his last deployment,

Bring the Captain enjoyment,

His home now, from us is hid.

Patrick Stewart, a great icon of science fiction has passed.  Night after night, Patrick Stewart lifted us up out of our mundane lives, and took us to where no one has gone before. By doing that, Patrick Stewart made our world, my world, a better place.

Leigh Collin Brandt

WE WILL CANDY COAT OUR SUMMER BARF

In the public restroom near the pier,

I could smell barfed pizza and puky beer,
The smell of remains,

From last night's lost gains, 

Summer beach party memories, which we'll hold dear.

WHEN NEAR A WICKED WITCH, BEWARE THE NOSE THAT MAKES A TWITCH

Everywhere I go in the food markets, I keep running into a witch,

I run fast to get away from her, before her nose begins a cast spell twitch,

I don't need any magic spells,

I take my vitamin pill jells,

Methinks I have been bigly spelled upon, because I have a full body itch.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

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WINKING ROUGE IN THE MORGUE

Lawyer says, I'm going to be publicly executed, next year,

I winked at an upscale bar, waitress in front of her husband, her dear,

Her husband is old, but has money,

He is that type of bitter honey,

Me, I'm pretty, and young, and make money, but I spend it on good beer.

BAY MISERY HOSPITAL: Providing The Same Quality Of Healthcare In Michigan Since 1632

I went to the ER, and boy is that hospital cheap and creepy,

You pee in an empty Crisco can, and there's no place to go sleepy,

You stand all night in a hall,

Listening to grandmas bawl,

Sick bodies faint to the floor, and the dead pile up in a heapee.

MY TRAVELS THIS YEAR

My company sent me to Bolivia,

Then transferred me to Japan,

Then they moved me to Idaho, 

Where I eat beans out of a can,

It seems that I am always on the go,

I traveled to Flint to bury Uncle Joe,

But I opened his urn and away he did blow,

I did supper in Saginaw on taters and doe,

Glad to leave Michigan where road conditions cause woe,

I CHOOSE THAT MY MONSTER NOT SHOW UP

I got in my little fishing boat, and I sailed out into the sun bath on the great sea,

I was going to catch some tasty tuna fishes, to fry in my mommy's special ghee,

My crew was huddled, in despair,

They knew a monster was out there,

They were all looking far beyond our small boat, for an island with a tall, protecting tree,

On that long day, we didn't catch a single fish, which foretold a success that would never be,

We paid the price of a days living lost, spent precious time with no profitability,

Then a low heart pounding sound came in with the dark, then a fog so icy, so icy cold,

Dark vapors were breathed in, and settled in the brain of each man, his death the vapors foretold,

Then came the first scream, then came the first holler, repeated on deck and below the plank floors,

The crew were terrified and ran from deck to deck, nailing shut all the windows and doors,

My crew had a premonition of their end in sight,

The crewmembers fell down dead from a heart seizing fright,

I was the only survivor, and I survived by greeting the monsters with my mighty snores.

I MAKE A SPECIAL PRODUCT FOR THOSE WHO CAN PAY

I am a frail little old man, living in the back county woods,

I grow a special little garden to supply rich neighborhoods,

I make this very rare, special jam,

By cooking turnips, corn smut and ham,

The wealthy think it is so good, they have their cooks put it in puds.

THE OLD MAN AND THE TRIPE GRIPE

I had not a penny to buy my supper, at "The Pipe",

I needed 80,000 to buy some ketchup and tripe,

" The Pipe", is the local bar and grill,

The tripe comes from only fresh roadkill,

That way the Scotsman, Old Macdonald, doesn't have a gripe.

METAL MAN AND HIS DENT

I have chunks of piggy iron in my blood,

That's why when I slip and fall, I make a thud,

Sometimes, I dent my shinny tin,

Tin is what folks call their owned skin,

I dented my skin, when I slipped on some crud.

THE SQUIRREL WENT ANTIQUING, BUT HE WASN'T INTO BARBIE DOLLS

The cat dragged my Barbie doll, way up to the top of a tall tree,

It was appraised to be really valuable, age 63,

Then along came a brawny squirrel,

He grabbed the doll; gave her a hurl,

The doll flew up into the sky, and fell into the deep, blue sea.

SOMEONE CALLED ME A GIT ON MY BIRTHDAY, AND LIKE SHERLOCK, I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

Someone wrote about me today, calling me a wanker, and a little git,

I figure they must be from Great Britain, because that sounds like it's English Writ,     

First of all, I have to take a tea pause,

And admit there is not a Santa Claus,

If there were a Santa, you'd find in your stocking, a 3 liter Santa zit.

Thanks to all my loving family members living in Great Britain, for all the cards festooned with loving wishes, that I'm sure you considered sending me.  Oh Dear, if only the postage was cheaper. Of course, an email with an emoji would have been nice, ma.

Leigh Collin Brandt

THE EARTH IS FULL OF POISONOUS SNAKES, BUT IN HEAVEN THERE ARE NO TOADS

I dug a pit to catch a pet toad eating, giant rattlesnake,

I had no bait for the pit, so I fresh baked a spongy cupcake,

In the cupcake center I placed a small toad,

I figured the snake would smell the toad abode,

The snake slithered up from behind me. Toads are in heaven? That's fake.

I HAD A BANJO ON MY KNEE, THEN I WAS FIRE FIGHTING ON THE SEA

I was playing with my big, silver banjo, while it was sitting on my bum knee,

When the snow covered roof of my little, trashy trailer caved in on top of me,

Then my world became all wavy,

I dreamt I was back in the navy,

I was shooting a machine gun at incoming planes, out on the silicon sea.

I BOUGHT A DIESEL PICKUP TRUCK; WHAT A DEAL

I just bought a big, snow white, diesel, pickup truck, and I got it incredibly, super cheap,

I thought something might be wrong with the cheap vehicle I bought, but it starts, and the horn goes beep,

Then I went to buy some local, diesel gas,

It was so expensive, I wanted to pass,

I know I'll be giving up my delivery job, and will walk to my barber college class.

THE TAIL OF DALE LET DALE SET SAIL

I had this neighbor, down the road, his name was Dale,

Dale was born with a long, curly, monkey-type tail,

Someone said in public, it looked wrong,

Wrote about it in a country song,

Dale sued and won millions, bought a yacht, and set sail.

PAYING FOR MY KID'S EDUCATION, AND THEN SOME

My eldest son, he is in college, and he is one bad seed,

He is always needing money, and my bank account doth bleed,

He needs money for fancy clothes and car,

But with rich daddies, I am not on par,

I pay for every need, asking for more, displays his greed.

ROY LIVED UNAWARE THAT THE UNIVERSE IS NOT FAIR

When I walk in the woods, sometimes I see a ferocious bear,

The bear is often eating someone, for whom I do not care,

Last week it was my neighbor, Roy,

This week it was his dog and boy,

Roy's wife is my mistress; I'm so glad the universe ain't fair.