I WENT TO KALAMAZOO BAR SCHOOL

I went away to Kalamazoo bar school, and learned how to tend booze bar,

I graduated, found a job right away, and patrons filled my tip jar,

They gave me coins and bills,

And, many unknown pills,

I was becoming a fabulous drink master, a big, booze slinging, star.

SPARKLERS AND THE DIRE COLD

The winter is so dire; I got out my sparklers from last Fourth of July,

I lit them, and they reminded me of summer months, and those thoughts made me cry,

Perhaps, my wicked ways I must mend,

To save my life from a frostbite end,

Perhaps, I'll not change at all, and wait through the dire, until the robins fly.

BIG SNOW COST DOE, AND WALT HATES ME

My small bank account is shrinking because of the big, heavy snow,

It cost me big money for snow plowing, and my savings grows low,

My father-in-law, Walt,

Thinks the snow is my fault,

Meantime, I look out the window, and suffer spiritual woe.

THE DANGERS OF A TRICYCLE

Ned fell off his adult tricycle, and he hurt his big knee,

Ned went to the adult hospital, and paid an adult fee,

Ned took out a small home loan,

Over his brand new iPhone,

Ned fell asleep triking back home, and he ran into a tree.

RETAIL IS DETAIL; IT HELPS IF YOU ARE BANANAS

I use to clerk in a produce store, and I cut and cleaned the lettuce, good,

Next, I placed the lettuce in the display case, stacked exactly, as it should,

I stacked the apples on a table,

Faced out the variety label,

I stacked bananas, and marked down over ripe ones, for making breads and pud.

CURSE OF THE WICK-A-DEE WITCH

 A mean, mangy, sick-a-dee, wick-a-dee, nasty, creepy witch,

Cast a vindictive spell upon me, that made my toenails itch,

When wearing socks and shoes,

Itchy toenails? You lose,

My wish is that her nice clean broom, crash lands in a deep, wet ditch.

BULKING UP

I went online and ordered way too much stuff, in great bulk,

The bank put a hold on my checking account, now I sulk,

Couldn't pay my gas bill,

Now I sit in a chill,

I canceled my gym membership; guess I won't be a hulk.

THE CONQUISTADORS FROM PLANET EARTH

We're launching our great spacecraft, out to claim planets of the nearest stars,

I'm working with a new AI co-pilot, his name is, "Blast E'm" Lars,

There's six decks of cows to eat,

Warriors love their red, raw meat,

We ate a thousand cows, when we destroyed the empire, found on Mars.

WE SMELL LIKE WHAT WE EAT

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat,

After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet,

Please, no food for me,

I just ordered tea,

She ordered an all you can eat platter of pigs feet, spicy meat.

SEAHORSES ARE GOING TO MARS?

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way,

They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say,

Mars is known for sea horse tasty treats,

I won't sell them the critters, as meats,

But, if they pay me in gold, I might look the other way.

SAND AND STONE BROKE GUTS AND BONE

I got into my Chevy truck, and drove on down the road,

I opened up my flip phone, and entered my access code,

I called the wife, said I was working late,

Called my girlfriend, set a dinner date,

Then I died when I hit the truck, that hauled a gravel load.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was he mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

BLUE VOMIT DROVE US APART

My girlfriend got sick, sick, with some sort of bad, toilet flu,

I took her to the hospital because her vomit was blue,

She was so much happier there,

Much easier for me to bare,

She begged me not leave her, but I did not want to get sick, too.

LOOKSMAXXING DIVIDES THE WORLD

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become,

I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in rum,

Gaining piled money and spread out fame,

Is the plan in the looksmaxxing, great game,

Before our eyes our world divides into former friends, and the really awesome.

ICKY VICKY THE SPIDER

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout,

She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinking down a stout, 

Icky Vicky did something that was really bad,

She did to her spouse, what her ma did to her dad,

There wasn't much evidence left about, except chewed spider legs, cleared away doubt.

FROM SCARS TO MARS

I am always wrecking my sports cars,

That is how I got all of my scars,

I saw a famous plastic surgeon,

Now, I have the face of a sturgeon,

That is why I volunteered for Mars.

POVERTY AND OBESITY, HIDE THE MAN I AM.INSIDE

I got real stuck going through my bathroom, shower door,

I eat too many starches, because I am so poor,

I'm as wide as I am tall,

And, I bounce high, if I fall,

Still, I believe there's a thin man living at my core.

SASSAFRAS THE FLIRTATIOUS

My girlfriend, she loved to flirt,

With other men, which deep cut hurt,

My sweet Sassafras,  

Is a man's dreamy lass, 

She dumped me, and married young Bert.

I ALWAYS FALL FOR CHEATERS

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through,

She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new,

Her dating did not stall,

For months she'd dated Paul,

I didn't suspect her cheating; my love for her grew and grew.😭

A PIGS LIFE FOR ME?

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar,

While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campers", rolling in their squalor,

Every single day,

All they do is play,

Jim decided to join his happy pigs; the castration caused Jim to holler.