AS THE CARS GO BY

I got peppered sprayed, directly in my pretty eye,

I was taken to the jail, and no one told me why,

Not so much to eat,

Mouse turds are a treat,

By day I clear brush near highways, as the cars go by.

HUMAN BEANS

They said I should act more like a human bean,

I thought that comment was very crass and mean,

At any party,

Beans make one farty,

Then future party invites, are never seen.

MOSQUITOS BE WARNED

Because my house had loads of mice and rats,

I decided to get myself some cats,

They ate the mice today,

Frightened the rats away,

To deal with mosquitos, I'm getting bats.

THE NO HOME CODE

As I turned my old pickup down my home-sweet-home road,

Noticed a contractor was tearing down my abode,

I phone called a cop,

Said please make them stop,

He said no, because I violated building code.

FISH, SPLAT AND STICHES

There was a small, skinny carp that lived in my front yard ditch,

He swam around in the muck all day, and I named him Mitch,

I saw kids with a ball bat,

They pitched poor Mitch, Mitch went splat,

I tried to revive my Mitch, but he never gave one twitch.  

THE SKINLESS IMPORTER OF TIN

I think my million dollar ship has come in,

It is full of foreign, imported, sheet tin,

I use to import lab mice,

But they gave me bad lice,

I itched so bad, soon I scratched off all my skin.

HEATWAVE CATASTROPHE

During summer heat, my air conditioner died,

It ran so very long, it caught fire and fried,

I thought it would be nice,

If I made frozen ice,

Then my freezer broke right down, and I cried and cried.

WHY I HIT MYSELF SO HARD, MY BRAIN AIN'T RIGHT.

In the latest, late of dark night,

From an earwig, I got a bite,

The evil dear,

Was in my ear,

I slapped my ear, with all my might.

ATTACK OF THE GARDEN PESTS

My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs,

My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs, 

My pickles in the weeds,

The birds picked clean of seeds,

And the mice that nibbled my string beans, are common thugs.