TAINTED ALMONDS OF LOVE

I bought some delicious, almond nuts, and they were all tainted,

With some nasty bacteria, the almonds had been painted,

I took them back to the drug store,

Where I bought them, the day before,

I met someone at the store; on a date, we got acquainted.

TEACHER WAS RIGHT, WHO KNEW?

Today, I went to a doctor, and he insisted I was brain dead,

He was a specialist, so I had to agree, with all that he said, 

My brain is dead and cold,

Covered with slimy mold,

This was such an unsettling, strange, day, ; I went home and went to bed.

I NEED A BABE WHO GETS MOSTLY D'S

School just got out, and I mostly got C's,

My pretty baby, got almost all B's,

Because I'm not as smart,

We' growing far, far apart,

I'm looking for a new babe, who does D's.

THE LAST WATTLE HOUSE STANDING

My uncle built his beautiful home, out of forest, wattle wood,

It took my uncle nearly 10 years, because he wattled it good,

In a summer storm, it did win,

Lasted through the tornado spin,

It was the last standing wattle house, in the wattle neighborhood.

I LOST A TEAR

I lost a tear, when I stubbed my tiny toe,

I lost a tear, when I lost my brother, Beau,

It does not take my eyes long,

Before they look red, that's wrong,

So, I carry eye drops, to cover-up woe.

BLACK HOLE FRIDAY

I fell into a big black hole, and that ruined my entire day,

I was there in silenced eternity, with no light to guide my way, 

So my frazzled nerves could unwind,

I watched a movie in my mind,

I took to watching brain stored movies, until my young, lost bod, they find.

COLD DADDY AND THE BEAR

A bear wandered up my driveway, and ate a couple of my kids,

My wife, she got extremely hysterical, I just thought, "good rids",

They were both over 35,

Took my money, to stay alive,

I suppose, I will have to sell their stuff; I'll ask around for bids.

LIMERICK ON LIMERICKS

Some say, the inspiration for limericks, starts up in the nose,

Others believe limericks start growing, between foot jammy toes,

Wherever limericks start,

Limericks are a fine art,

Limericks can laud happy times, or reinforce woe within woes.

I INVENTED A CHAIR THAT REQUIRES NO UNDERWARE

I took a great idea, and  brought it to power,

I set a chair inside, my big bathroom shower,

It's like a washing machine,

You get a full body clean,

While, napping upright, for a day, or an hour.

SIR CREEPY IS A CANNIBAL.

Sir Denny was the very deadliest fighter, with the ancient foil,

Sir Denny made his foil really shiny, using, coconut oil,

Denny sliced opponents into ham,

Served them for lunch, with a ginger jam,

Then, Denny drops the bones, into his stew pot, then brings them to a boil.

OUR KIDS DON'T GET ALONG

My sister, Katerina, came over to visit me,

Katerina visited, as my retained attorney,

She brought over her male kid,

Boy, oh boy, what that kid did,

He pinched the nose on my cat, Murray, until Murray hid.

I AM A HOBBY DIRT WORKER:: I GROW FOOD

I started my tomatoes, and pepper plants, inside,

I found a window, sunny spot, in my double wide,

It warmed up, at last,

The seeds grew, real fast,

Growing veggie fruits from seeds, gives this garden man, pride.

THE MUSHROOM MINSTREL CONCERT

There were three minstrel mushrooms, who came from outer space,14

They played some old classical tunes, they learned in ancient Thrace,14

Then the minstrels played jazz,

Showed their razzmatazz

Lastly, the minstrels finished, with rap that was in your face.14

IN MEMORY OF MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND, JEEVES

I never should have gone to that party, over at Steve's,

First, I got the botulism, followed by dry, horse heaves,

What else could have gone wrong?

I could not sing my song,

Celebrating the dead poet, our friend we knew, as Jeeves

GOING TRAILER PARK FERAL (2025)

I live in a house made of old tin,

In a tin park, with all of my kin,

On the tin park next door,

My kin wage a great war,

We win, steel all their stuff, then we grin.

THE BIG CAT LOOKS AT ME FUNNY

When cast upon me, is a tigers eye,

He be thinking, onion ring, or French fry,

And, what of my meat?

What parts should he eat?

He's dream tasting the leg, wing, breast and thigh.

POP, GOES THE MAPLE LEAF

It is spring in Michigan, and maple leaves are popping out,

It's like the maple leaves, are giving the warmer sun, a shout,

Now, the robin red breast,

Can build a birdie nest,

And leave babies all safe, while hunting worms that squirm about.

TRINA WENT BASS FISHING, WITH A WORM

Trina went trolling out on a flat lake, with a big plastic worm,

She kept her worm lure close to the boat, to watch the plastic worm squirm,

Trina made only one pass,

When her worm was attacked by a bass,

Trina was so surprised, she fell overboard, and ruined her perm.

PANDA THE CRICKET PLAYER

My panda ate a chili pepper; my panda ate a mouse,

My Panda is not potty trained, so he poops inside my house,

They say my panda plays cricket well,

Don't know the game, so I cannot tell,

My panda does his own laundry, and always folds his own blouse.

MOMMY GOT HER DAY

Daddy's fantastical surprise, made my mommy's big day,

Daddy bought mommy a wild daisy, flower display,

Daddy made cheese salad for lunch,

Gave us each, a glass of red punch,

Then, we all watched out the window, as bird beaks chirped away.14

THE SWAY-BACK, WHO LOVED GRANDPA

Our dear grandpa, rode the old horse to town, that had the severely, swayed back,

We did not know what to tell the horse, after grandpa's fatal, heart attack,

Grandpa made his restaurant rounds,

Grandpa weighed 400 lbs., 

The horse continued the restaurant rounds, with a light footed, clickety clack. 

WHEN I DIE, I'LL BE BROWN LOGGED BY AI

All of my friends and family, have been transferred into an AI, 

Which means they'll live forever, and say brown log, about me when I die,

Even now, I'm their joke,

I'm that dumb, human bloke,

They insist I shouldn't get upset; I respond with a sad, teary cry.  

Michigan English:  Brown Log= 💩