THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

I AM BADGER EDIBLE

I'm glad that badger did not rip off both of my hands, that way I can still feed my chickens,

Too bad that old badger tore up both of my legs; the right leg, it still hurts like the dickens,

The wolverine is much meaner,

But, he cuts through your bones cleaner,

I stay plump by frying my birds in bacon grease, or that badger would of had slim pickin's

BARNEY BIG HORN

Barney the big horned buffalo, put on some purple underwear, 

He did not like being naked, because all the girls would stare,

One girl buffalo said, "hey hun,

Without your underwear, you'd have fun",

So, off went his underwear, then he was ate by a grisly bear.  

THE END

IGUANAS FALL DEAD

A large frozen iguana fell from the sky, down to my head,

It split my thin skull wide open, and my white shirt got all red,

In Florida, we got a freeze,

That killed iguanas in the trees,

I am the first casualty, of the iguana, falling dead.

MARSUPIAL STEW

I went and scraped marsupials off the road today,

I had to really scrape them, cause they had dried up in the clay,

Consider yourself a winner,

Cause we're having them for dinner,

I know it does not smell so good, but it keeps the bears away.

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THE THREE LITTLE CUB BEARS

During the winter storm, three little bears got lost in the woods,

When they broke into my cabin, and ate all my pantry goods,

When I went to my cabin, next day,

The three little cub bears were at play,

Mamma bear moved in, so I left the bears in charge of my hoods.

NEVER COMFORT A HURT GATOR

I stopped my pickup to see about giving a gator, aid,

He was gimping down the highway, near the old pinball arcade,

I asked him, "you're dragging your foot,

Did y'all catch it on a root?

The gator gobbled me down; that's how my kindness was repaid.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

BAD ALPHA MONKEY

I have a pet alpha monkey, and he ate all my bread,

He ate all my food proteins too, so soon I will be dead,

Alpha monkey can almost fly, 

Chasing tree squirrels, in the sky,

I hope alpha boa swallows old, alpha monkey's head.

12 SKUNKIES

 Twelve skunks moved to Midland Michigan, from a town called Montreal,

They all moved to Michigan, because hula hooping was their call,

In Michigan, we hula hoop,

Some folks skipping, both food and poop,

These twelve skunks, will fit in, so we'll let them hula hoop, through our mall.

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

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THE SQUIRREL HAD TO MAKE HIS NUT

The squirrel had to make his nut, and his nut was at the top of the big tree,

The squirrel had to pay all his bills, because the life of a squirrel, ain't free,

A quick climb up the big pine,

The squirrel would be debt fine,

The squirrel slipped, and fell from the tree top, now a big hospital nut, has he.

NO ONE COULD SEE HIS SPEEDO

A hairy bear named Terry, wore his new, sparkling Speedo to the beach,

Nobody saw Terry's Speedo, because bear hair covered the Speedo breach,

Terry cried many tears, so sad,

Terry went home, and told his dad,

Terry's dad said bears can't wear cute human clothes; a lesson, hard to teach.

THE LION AND THE BEAR, GAVE THIS FISHERMAN A SCARE

I walked to the other side of the lake, and a lion was there,

He started eyeing me real good, as did his buddy, the big bear,

I took my walk, to catch a big fish,

I cast out my line, and hooked my wish,

I tossed my fish between the two beasts, and ran home, like a scarred hare.

DRIED PRUNE PARFAIT FOR ALGER

My little tame rat, named Alger, was always chewing flowers,

The flowers,were non-lethal, but they made him poop for hours,

Then, 3 times every day,

I fed him dried prune, parfait,

The poopy rat, washes it off with me, while I take showers.

SHARING WEEDS WITH MY MICHIGAN MOOSE

With a Michigan moose, I formed a real tight bond,

We both liked to chew on weeds, in a holding pond,

To make pond weeds to be tasty,

Do not chew on them, too hasty,

Or, they'll be bitter, and that's a taste, I'm not fond.

CHEMICAL PLANT + ALLIGATOR + TOURIST = HORROR STORY

There is a local alligator, I believe his name is Sammy,

He ate a roasted tater, along with that missing tourist, Tammy,

Sammy lives in a deep, dark ditch,

The water's warm, but there's a glitch,

It runs off from a chemical plant, and the water makes you whammy.

THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST FAIRIES, WANTS TO EAT FACE

Everybody says, I deserve the face eating, that I got,

Because, I did really stupid stuff, furthering an evil plot,

Didn't know those purloined cherries,

Were owned by forest fairies,

Their pet leopard ate my pretty face, leaving my dead body, to rot.

UNCLE DR. GREW, THE DINOSAUR

I never saw a dinosaur, until I was almost ten,

Daddy caught one in our backyard, and put it in a pen,

We named the dinosaur, Dr. Grew,

After mommy's brother, who died from flu,

When Dr. Grew became house broke, we kept him in our den.

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,

First you give him a karate chop,

If he rips your arm off then you stop,  

And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,

If you do he'll think you want to play,

He's going to eat you anyway,

Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming, so you'd best hide away,

He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,

Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,

Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

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