WHEN THE BEAR POUND, I GO UNDERGROUND

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back,

It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack,

The old grizzly wanted me,

To digest in his belly,

I hid in the basement, because courage I did lack.

TEA WITH THE THREE BEARS

When the three bears came to visit, they were really, really nice,

They bought over some sweet tea, flavored with a cinnamon spice,

As I sipped on their tea,

The bears talked constantly,

Then they took me out to dinner; we had pork and some fried rice.

THE HORRIBLE NAIL MAN

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat,

My four car tires went completely flat,

He took a long, steely nail,

Gave each tire an impale,

Now I can't get my groceries, oh drat.

SOMEONE'S EATING MY SWEET CUPS

I got raided by porch pirates today,

They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away,

They live next door,

On the second floor,

And eat peanut butter cups from eBay. 

I MINDED MY BUSINESS, AND GOT FREE MEAT🙈🙉🙊🍖

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street,

My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat,

I knew I should stay inside,

Went under the bed to hide,

Next day, the wolverine thanked me for silence, and bribed me with some meat.

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THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

THE HORN TOOTER AND DING-DONG BELL

My little scooter had a horn tooter, and a ding-dong bell,

I'd ride my scooter behind someone, and my noise made them yell,

My parents got complaints,

No kids are ever saints,

Daddy took a  hammer, and for the scooter, it didn't end well.

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MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life,

He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife,

It was really sad,

My Teddy did bad,

The neighbor ripped out Teddy's stuffing with a knife.

THE SHOVEL, PIGS AND OGRES LIMERICK

In the ogre village next door,

They are preparing for war,

I stole one of their pigs,

And, A shovel that digs,

Now they're coming to even the score.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

MY ROOSTER GOT TAIL IN THE END

The dog next door, Jim call him poop,

He tried to raid Jim's chicken coup,

But Jim's rooster had beak,

And Poop's tail he did seek,

Tonight Jim fine dines, on Poopy tail soup.

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

I.PARTIED WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S BEAR

I saw a great big old bear chewing on my neighbor's face,

It didn't bother me since it wasn't happening on my place,

Then the bear and neighbor went inside,

Their bearmance they wanted to hide,

Later I went to visit, brought cold beers, about a case.

GLENDORA THE SPIDER MONSTER: A FOREST FABLE

Glendora was a spider monster who lived in a forest cave. Glendora was the only spider monster in the forest and that made Glendora very unhappy. She saw that all the other creatures in the forest had creatures like themselves to hang out with. Glendora felt alone and friendless. This made Glendora become jealous of the other animals that had friends and were happy.

Glendora was a spider over six feet tall and a lot of the forest creatures were intimidated by the large bulky spider. Glendora would always scowl at the other animals that approached her so it was soon common knowledge that Glendora wanted nothing to do with her fellow forest creatures.

One day Glendora decided to make the other animals in the forest feel some of her unhappiness. Glendora decided she would sneak up behind the smaller creatures and scare them. The first animals Glendora decided to scare were the chipmunks. Glendora quietly worked her way up behind a pair of chipmunks that were busily filling their cheeks with acorns. Just as Glendora came within a few feet of the chipmunks Glendora suddenly let out a fierce roar. The roar startled the little chipmunks so much that the acorns they were carrying in their cheeks popped out of their mouths.

Although the chipmunks had received quite a scare they did not stay frightened for long. Once they realized that the monster that had roared at them was Glendora the spider their fear turned to disgust. The chipmunks realized that spiders don’t eat chipmunks but live primarily on flies and other insects. “Glendora, why did you scare us like that?” The chipmunks asked angrily.

Glendora made no reply but just turned away from the chipmunks laughing heartily as she walked away. It seems that scaring the little chipmunks did make Glendora feel better. But, the good feeling Glendora had because of the fright she had given the chipmunks passed quickly. As Glendora walked along and realized that she was still alone. So then she felt just as bad as she did before she scared the chipmunks.

As Glendora walked through the forest she continued to feel bad but suddenly, Glendora spotted a pair of rabbits so she crept up on them and let out a great roar just a few feet from the little bunnies. The rabbits were surprised and jumped several feet in the air. Then, the rabbits saw that it was Glendora the spider monster that made the great roar and the bunnies were now much more angry than frightened. “Glendora, why did you roar and try to frighten us?” asked the rabbits.

Glendora felt really good once again and just turned away from the rabbits while laughing uncontrollably. It wasn’t long however, before Glendora started to feel bad again. This bad feeling lasted until Glendora came upon a pair of otters. Once again Glendora scared the small animals and laughed after scaring the creatures. Glendora decided to continue to scare the animals of the forest everyday that way she would at least feel good for a while. Glendora soon became a real pariah in the forest and no one wanted her around. All the animals disliked how she was always trying to scare them.

Glendora kept up her reign of scaring the forest animals for several months. But, one day Glendora woke up and felt very ill. It seemed that she had comve down with a terrible virus that made here very sick. Glendora was so sick she could not even leave her cave to catch flies to eat let alone go off through the forest scaring her animal neighbors.

After Glendora had been hold up in her caves for several days all the forest creatures that she had been harassing by sneaking up on them and roaring, began to wonder what had happened to her. After a while they became concerned that something had happened to Glendora and since Glendora was all alone maybe someone should go and check up on her. Finally, all the forest animals made their way to Glendora’s cave. Several of them brought along some flies and some fruit in case Glendora needed food and something to drink. None of the animals knew what they would find when they arrived at Glendora’s cave.

When the animals entered Glendora’s cave they found the once powerful spider monster down in bed. Glendora was very ill and had not been able to get food or anything to drink for several days. “What are you doing here?” Glendora asked.

“We haven’t seen you for days and we were concerned,” chirped a tiny chipmunk. “We thought we had better check on you to make sure that you’re all right.”

Glendora could not believe what she was hearing. “But I’m not one of you,” Glendora said. “I’m not like any of you.”

“But you are one of us,” said the little chipmunk. “You live in the forest with the rest of us. Your one of our neighbors. We are all like one big family that looks out for each other.”

Glendora suddenly felt a lot better. She realized that she had friends and neighbors and although she had been acting badly her friends and neighbors came to help her out. Glendora was not alone anymore. Soon, Glendora was over her illness and she became close friends with the other forest creatures. Glendora realized you didn’t have to associate with just those who look like you to have close friends. Friends can look very different and act very different than you.

SANDY MY PET PYTHON LIMERICK: SANDY GETS THE CHAIR

Sandy was my pet python snake,
She ate all my neighbors and oh, was that a mistake,
It was so hard to bare,
When Sandy went to the chair,
Sadly, I was alone at Sandy's neighborhood wake.

MY NEIGHBOR STOLE MY WALLET DURING A SNOW STORM

All that snow fell on the roof of my shack,

The roof caved in and I got pinned on my back,

I screamed and I yelled,

Along comes Mr. Weld

He only stole my wallet and told me not to tattle-telled.

STICKS AND STONES CAUSE BROKEN BONES BUT, A MUD BALL MAKES ME DIRTY

I went to throw snowballs but, the grass had turned green,

There were sticks and stones but, to throw them would be mean,

Now the kid living next door

Is half my age at just four,

Threw a mud ball and now I'm not clean.

THE NEIGHBORLY HILLS

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes,

They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes,

In my neighborhood,

Most are proud they're no good,

So, I never accept gifts of cookies or cakes.