RURAL AMERICA, AND THE SWEET PEA WARS

Last night, someone grabbed all of my sweet pea vines, and jerked them down to the dirt, ground,

I am sure it was a human, because of all the scat, they left all around,

With a little scat here; with a little scat there,

They left their scat, most everywhere,

DNA shows it was my neighbor's poop, not from some hillbilly, hunting hound.

THE RED RECKONING FOR DEAD SNOW

I went riding on my snowmobile; it is also called a sled,

I ran over a brand new snowman, now I think that he is dead,

He belonged to the kid, next door,

The kid saw me, now it is war,

The kid sent his Doberman to bite me; my wounds turned the snow red.

ADRIATIC FOUND NOME

Adriatic the real nice Martian, ended his interplanetary roam,

He settled down in Northern Michigan, in a quaint, double wide, mobile home,

His neighbors were really mean,

Their gestures were obscene,

Adriatic moved away to charming Alaska, and settled down in Nome.  

KYLE THE PILE

There is a neighbor dog, named Kyle,

He always sleeps quite a while,

He eats his meal,

Does his toilet deal,

Today, I stepped in his pile.

NIGHT OF THE NEIGHBORS

My neighbors drank some bad whisky, they made in a lead barrel,

It affected their small minds, now they have all gone quite feral,

They're eating each others fleas,

And swinging in the big trees,

I've hidden both my pets, so they won't be in dinner peril. 

WHEN THE BEAR POUND, I GO UNDERGROUND

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back,

It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack,

The old grizzly wanted me,

To digest in his belly,

I hid in the basement, because courage I did lack.

TEA WITH THE THREE BEARS

When the three bears came to visit, they were really, really nice,

They bought over some sweet tea, flavored with a cinnamon spice,

As I sipped on their tea,

The bears talked constantly,

Then they took me out to dinner; we had pork and some fried rice.

THE HORRIBLE NAIL MAN

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat,

My four car tires went completely flat,

He took a long, steely nail,

Gave each tire an impale,

Now I can't get my groceries, oh drat.

SOMEONE'S EATING MY SWEET CUPS

I got raided by porch pirates today,

They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away,

They live next door,

On the second floor,

And eat peanut butter cups from eBay. 

I MINDED MY BUSINESS, AND GOT FREE MEAT🙈🙉🙊🍖

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street,

My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat,

I knew I should stay inside,

Went under the bed to hide,

Next day, the wolverine thanked me for silence, and bribed me with some meat.

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THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

THE HORN TOOTER AND DING-DONG BELL

My little scooter had a horn tooter, and a ding-dong bell,

I'd ride my scooter behind someone, and my noise made them yell,

My parents got complaints,

No kids are ever saints,

Daddy took a  hammer, and for the scooter, it didn't end well.

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MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life,

He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife,

It was really sad,

My Teddy did bad,

The neighbor ripped out Teddy's stuffing with a knife.

THE SHOVEL, PIGS AND OGRES LIMERICK

In the ogre village next door,

They are preparing for war,

I stole one of their pigs,

And, A shovel that digs,

Now they're coming to even the score.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

MY ROOSTER GOT TAIL IN THE END

The dog next door, Jim call him poop,

He tried to raid Jim's chicken coup,

But Jim's rooster had beak,

And Poop's tail he did seek,

Tonight Jim fine dines, on Poopy tail soup.

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

I.PARTIED WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S BEAR

I saw a great big old bear chewing on my neighbor's face,

It didn't bother me since it wasn't happening on my place,

Then the bear and neighbor went inside,

Their bearmance they wanted to hide,

Later I went to visit, brought cold beers, about a case.