SIS THE WEASEL LIMERICK

There once was a mean weasel named Sis,
If you came near, she would start to hiss,
When Sis was a wee babe,
She was bit by brother Gabe,
Sis was a weasel that no one dared kiss.

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MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS

My new pet peacock came from mars,
He told me that his name was Lars,
He said "feed me well and I will stay,
If you don't I'll fly away,"
I fed him chicken soup with stars.

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MARY’S TOES WERE REALLY JAMMED

Mary’s toes were really jammed,
Her smelly feet gave her friends woe,
But, her nose was stuffed and smelled no scent,
So, she gave her nose a blow.

Mary's shirt showed off her dinner,
From the night before,
Mary seldom did her laundry,
She found that chore a bore,

Mary had no significant other,
For she had such quirky ways,
Mary graded on the nerves of another,
While on herself she lauded praise.

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JEETER LIKED TO WATCH THE CLOCK

Jeeter liked to watch the clock,
He watched at work each day,
Jeeter got almost nothing done,
 But, he still expected pay,

One day Jeeter had to see the boss,
The boss told Jeeter he was done,
Jeeter was at a total loss,
He thought he worked harder than anyone,

Jeeter quickly found a job with hope,
It was a job watching a giant clock,
He spent his nights with a telescope,
As the stars moved he heard "tic-toc".

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

THE SKEETERS AND MY STILL

In the backwoods of a Michigan cedar swamp,
I built myself a still,
It was a place where all my kith and kin,
Could party and drink their fill,

But, then there came the skeeters,
A trillion skeeters or more,
And upon me and my company,
They waged their evil war,

And, so we fled the dark cedar swamp,
Never to return once more,
And the skeeters buzzed with a royal pomp,
As we itched and scratched ourselves soar.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped, and I’m still not alright.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS II

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars,
I think he spends too much time in bars,
He staggers home late at night,
Unable to gain flight,
Somehow, he isn’t hit by any cars. 

THE PROMISE I COULD NOT KEEP

I googled and googled and googled one day,
To find my best bud in high school,
Old lizard lips Clay,
I found him not in a very good way,

Old lizard lips was buried two miles from town,
I got in my rust bucket to go visit the clown,
I found the spot where he took his dirt nap,
With respect I pulled off my Detroit Red Wings cap,

I brought Old Clay a six pack of beer,
Just to let him know his old buddy was here,
I was glad that an old shade tree was very near,
So, I sat down for a while and shed one great big tear,

We conversed for a while,
Clay didn’t talk too much,
Before Leaving I promised,
That I’d keep in touch,

That was the last time I visited my high school bud Clay,
I haven’t been back there to visit to this very day,
For I had a bad accident on my way back to town,
They buried me ten miles from that lizard lipped clown.

THE TRAGEDY THAT BEFELL MY BUD BRAD LIMERICK

It is extremely sad,
The tragedy that befell my bud Brad,
He ate angel food cake,
Then drowned in a lake,
Seems you are what you eat and that’s bad.

I GOT PINE TREE JUICE ON MY FEET LIMERICK

I got pine tree juice all over my two feet,
It's sticky and nasty and just can't be beat,
I tried to use soap,
But it gave me no hope,
I'm glad my cat thinks pine tree juice is a treat.

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure as rare as can be,
But Benny had bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date was just 2003.

CREAM SODA MOON PIES HAIKU

Cream soda, moon pies,
Nutritional? Summer snack,
Lazy days and me.

THE JOY OF BEING SNEAKY

Being smart or having looks that stun,
Is for the dullards and the geeky,
The greatest minds will gain their fun,
From the joy of being sneaky,

When you suffer from a business gone bad,
You will whimper and blame it on luck,
When a deal with a sneak is what you had,
Because the sneak could make a fast buck,

When a girl you like avoids you everyday,
You blame hygiene or the atire you wear,
When it was the sneak, who made his home play,
When he told her your wife just might care,

A sneak is rich, loved; you know the type,
A sneak knows what to do and to say,
 Being good and honest is just a great hype,
Invented by the sneaky they say.

IT'S JANUARY AND I AM A BEAR LIMERICK

It is now January "09",
The full moon looks like blood wine,
I really don't care,
Because I am a bear,
I going to sleep and feeling just fine.

THE MONKEY IN THE CAGE LIMERICK

There was a monkey in a cage,
His incarceration filled him with rage,
If you wanted his scoop,
He’d throw at you some poop,
Interpretation: he hates this age.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

WHAT SANTA DOES WHILE UNEMPLOYED

When Santa sits around unemployed,
He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.

MY ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND DESTROYED THE EARTH

Although this day was very bright and quite sunny,
I did not find the day to end up very nice,
Because my bad roommate who found it profoundly funny,
Informed me he had infected our apartment with insecticide resistant lice,

He said his latest girlfriend,
Who worked as a biogenetics engineer?
Created a creature that would bring about mans end,
It was a louse prototype that the military found queer,

Now, the creature had escaped its military masters,
But, it had not gone all around the planet earth,
Instead, it came home with its developer’s boyfriend,
And, his roommate’s bodily fluids would nurse the lice after birth,

Now here we lie just all a bleeding,
Our bodily fluids the lice are drinking away,
I know my demise to the lice is proceeding,
Like a 2012 Louse Armageddon Day.