WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid, I was a nerd, not a fool,

I started chess club at my elementary school,

I was always the spelling champ,

My tests got only the "A" stamp,

Then I woke from my dream, when I fell off the bar stool.

THE RED DRAGON EATS...

I am the Red Dragon and I like to roar,

I got to eat people, nothing good at the store,

I tried some cheese,

But it made me sneeze,

It's tasty people flesh, I adore.

ONE PERSON'S TOILET IS ANOTHER PERSONS...

Ed didn't know there were so many peasants, until Ed took a leak,

Ed found a hundred peasants, swimming in the public pee-in creek,

It was no surprise,

They had infected eyes,

They also had runny blisters, but care they lacked the funds to seek.

CRACKING PORCELAIN

It was cold in the morning, so Ben boiled some rice,

To give it good flavor, Ben buttered it twice,

To give his bowels some torque,

Ben added cans of beans and pork,

Ben spent the day exploding on his toilet device.

MY SPECIAL FATHER'S DAY GIFT

I got thumb screws for Father's Day, and I don't have any kids,

I got the screws from my business pal; our biz is on the skids,

To stay afloat we did a crime,

Might go to jail, and do some time,

We spend our days waiting for the cops, at downtown bar, called "Sids".

RATS MADE MY TOILET ACCESSIBLE ANYTIME.

The filth in my house gives my house an A+ rat rating,

That's why I'm left home alone, with my family vacating,

With the rats I'll share,

My food pantry laid bare,

A win, win, for now I'll have the bathroom without waiting.

DOES DRAGON RHYME WITH PAGAN?

The giant green dragon,

Bent my best red wagon,

My wagon is sagging,

Dragon tail is rear dragging,

I'm a cursed little pagan.

MONSTERS HAVE MAMAS TOO (HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!)

Zombies celebrate Mother's Day in the afternoon,

Werewolves only celebrate, if there be a full moon,

Vampires celebrate after dark,

Then mama's kiss leaves a neck mark,

They all play creepy music, like some Bachy organ tune.

A THIEF STOLE A BENNY, FROM A PEASANT WHO WAS POOR

I use to know a little peasant, he was really, really poor,

I'd toss him a penny, if he promised not to ask for more,

Well, he saved every penny,

Till he got a bill, a Benny,

Then someone stole the Benny to buy liquor at the store.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY?

Some weekends I lose my Saturday, like it's zero seconds long,

Sometimes I go out Friday night, and things just go real wrong,

It starts off with the dancing,

Jerky movements, and some prancing,

Then I wakeup Sunday morning, as the church bell go ding dong.

MACARONI BOWS, AND A LION SOMETIMES CALLED BRIAN

Timmy eats only macaroni, if it's shaped in little bows,

Timmy only goes outside, when the winter wind, it blows,

Timmy has a pet mountain lion,

Calls it Frank, or sometimes Brian,

Timmy has fed the cat every neighbor that Timmy knows.

GARDENER LOU AND THE BIG CHOO CHOO

There was this very crazy guy, everyone called him Lou,

Planted a veggie garden and not a single veggie grew,

He bought a little Jeep,

It went honk, beep, beep,

The Jeep got hit by a big train, and Lou then tried to sue.

TO ALL THE MOMS ON MOM'S DAY

I wish all moms on mom's day,
Happy thoughts all the way,
And, after each evening storm,
To wake up warm,
Like sunshine on the bay.

I LOST MONEY BETTING ON HORSES, NOW I SERVE THEM AT MY PLACE OF EATS

I cook delicious food while listening to music in c minor,

That's why I call my restaurant "The C Minor Diner",

I use to listen to D Major,

Bet on horseys, lost big wager,

I changed my music and my job, because my mate was a major whiner.

MABEL NEEDED MINTS

Mabel had no Listerine,

She lost her boyfriends, Fred and Dean,

She had the breath of a bear,

With poor hygiene care,

A smell so strong, some say it was seen.

WHEN BETTY GOOSE GOT ON THE LOOSE

I had a cow named Betty Goose,

She became with calf every time she got loose,

Of course the babies I'd steal,

To make myself veal,

Marinated in cranberry juice.

DON'T INVEST WITH PERKY PAUL

Perky Paul had pretty, blue eyes,

All believed him, when he told lies,

Perky Paul, 

Had a margin call,

His investors went broke, because they weren't wise.

A BIG SQUIRRELY DECISION

I decided I was going out in the woods to hunt squirrel,

I took along with me my favorite hunting hound, Pearl,

But the squirrel was big and mean,

Ten foot tall, maybe 15,

We runs back to my old shack,  so we could hide and curl.

TIME TRAVEL DREAMER

My spaceship travels faster than light,

That means time travel, and it's a delight,

Maybe some ancient Greece,

Might give me some peace,

And new pyramids might be a delight.

MABEL HAD NO MAKEUP

Mabel had no Maybelline,

Even though, she had washed up clean,

With her friend Loren,

They went out to buy corn,

Couldn't buy steaks; their funds were lean.

ROTTEN TEETH AND DOTS: A LIFE ADVENTURE, BY BOB

Bob didn't brush his teeth, and they all got really rotty,

Then a dentist Bob saw, and the dentist got snotty,

Bob then went out to the woods,

Picked what berries he coulds,

He ate all the berries, and his skin got all dotty. 

MY SPOILED LITTLE TOAD

My pet, Toad went out to eat some early, springtime bugs,

But he got really cold, and asked for my hot hugs,

Unlike the mammalian form,

Toad's blood is cold, not warm,

So I made us both hot coco, served in thermal mugs.

LAMENT FOR THE BABY PLANT

My tomato plant did not get very tall,

It was fine, until we had the snow squall

It would of had a life of green,

If the warm sun it had seen,

Poor thing, almost had no life at all.

UNDER THE BOOM, BOOM; PEANUT PIE FOR BREAKFAST

Lightning booming,  booming in the dark cloudy, morning sky,

It hits so close, me thinks I will be going bye, bye, bye,

What a way to die,

Like a burnt French fry,

Hope I don't burn to death, before I eat my peanut pie.

SPRING

Cold rainy weather makes us feel pain called, the cruds,

The arthritis pain, we fight with the suds,

We want mosquitos to bite,

To take our minds off our plight

While spring blooms bust out of their buds.

NO HORSE HONEY AT THE DERBY

I went to the Derby to get some horse honey,

But, I lost my big bet now I have no more money,

So, I'll go back to the shop,

Where I'll work there non-stop,

Tears falling as my nose runs it's honey.

MY QUEST FOR DIDGERIDOO KUNG FU

I always wanted a didgeridoo,

So, I went to Australia for one with Kung Fu,

But, a dingo gave a bite,

Now, my mind ain't quite right,

And, I hop like some fat kangaroo.

 

A DRAGON NAMED BILL

There was a dragon named Bill,
His roar would give all a chill,
But, when he would tire,
He’d loose all his fire,
Then, he’d stand there perfectly still.

WHERE I GO PERCHING

Murky is the water where I catch my perch,

It's just a drainage ditch out near the canyon's old stone church,

It isn't all that far,

Driving out there with my car,

But, there's no phone so trouble could leave me in a lurch. 

BENNY GOLFED PAR WITH THE BIG BALL

Benny bought cheap glasses, and could barely see,

He used a soccer ball, when he went golfing with me,

The ball didn't travel far,

But it bounced into par,

It was a tough start, balancing the ball on the tee. 

THE TRAP ON THE GREEN

My Venus Fly Trap kills the flies,

It even eats the little guys,

It is so sad,

I feel so bad,

I cannot look them in the eyes.

WAVEY DAVY JOINS THE NAVY

My name is Ben Davey,

I did party at every ravey,

I joined the U.S. Navy,

Because I liked the gravy,

When I leave port, I give the shore a wavey.

FINGERING CHIP DIPS AND BUBBA THE DOG

I don't like it when the dog kisses me on my lips,

My hound Bubba kisses me after I eat salty kips,

He don't kiss when I eat sardines, 

Or a platter of fresh greens,

But he will lick my fingers, when I  run them through

 chip dips.

I SHARED MY HOME IN THE VILLAGE

I went into the village to find me some heat,

I found a huge box, lying free in the street,

I just got moved in,

And along comes my kin,

I let them all stay; they brought raisins to eat.

FISHING WITH TOAD

I use to go fishing with Toad,

He had a boat, but on it, he owed,

Then real early one morn,

Before the deer left the corn,

The bank took the boat down the road.

IT STINKS, BECAUSE THE DUCKS SCREWED AROUND

Two ducks travel with me in my Ford Motor car,

On long trips they pee in an old mason jar,

But one was wise-craken,  

The other laugh-quacken,

The spill smells like the urinal at the bar.

PHIL HAD DOWNHILL FUN

Donny had a red wagon, but it fit only one,

Donny  couldn't ride in it, because he weighed a ton,

So Donny sold it to Phil,

Who took it up the hill,

And went riding so fast, Phil had lots of fun.

THE GLITTER QUITTER CRITTER

Got me some eye makeup and glitter,

To make a new selfie for Twitter,

Made many fans bitter,

They called me a dimwiter,

I canceled my account, because I'm also a quitter.

ME AND TOAD GOT SNOWED

On the first day of May it snowed,

On the second day it blowed,

I did not care,

I live in despair,

I stayed indoors with my toad.

TOAD BOWELS TO.FEAR

We were exploring a dusty back road,

I and my friend/partner, Toad,

We were attacked by dire deer,

They didn't like Toad's species, I fear,

Poor toad, lost his entire bowel load.

TODAY WE CELEBRATE MAY DAY

Today we celebrate May Day, and I wished I got paid,

Worked as a plumber, gardener, and part-time meter maid,

I mow lawns for a buck,

Haul trash in my truck,

Yet I haven't got funds for one Gatorade.

HANK GOES FISHING (MISSING)

Hank went fishing in his boat with a hook, line, sinker and bobbin,

Fish were biting, but off his hook the worms they were robbin,

Then along came this toothy fish,

A thousand pounds of good nutrish,

Never found Hank, and that left the townies, all sobbin.

BARKING OFF THE WRONG TREE

Poor Lucinda got real bad sick, and turned a white and chalky way,

She ate poison tree bark, and putrefied into the clay, 

Lucinda had no money,

To leave to her son Sonny,

So Sonny moved into a box, beneath a bridge down by the bay.

 

MAY DAY

I went to the tavern called Sea & Sun, and there was a drinking fairy,

It was on May the 1st, so I thought a drunk fairy, scary,

But ho-hum, he weren't no bum,

Bought a round of drinks for those that come,

That eased chicken fears of the dark hatch, when the dead would self un-bury. 

WEE LITTLE BENNY DONE TEA

Benny wanted a much better tea,

One that gave him great joy and much glee,

Benny found a great taster,

Now he's not a tea waster,

But he spends all his time going wee.

CORN FUTURES POP AND DROP

I wanted to grow only cash crops,

I planted that corn seed that pops,

But the sun got so hot,

The seed popped on the spot,

Crows are eating the popped corn as it drops.

I CHOSE THE FREE RIDE OFFER

I ran into a zebra, and he kissed me on the face,

He had a big sloppy tongue, smelled like pork in a meat case,

I tried not to hurt feelings,

But I had other dealings,

With a kissing camel, who'd give me a free ride, anyplace.🐪

TERMINATOR MAIL

My email said I was terminated,

Said my last check would be prorated,

It would reflect my slow pace,

1/3 of my pay base,

I felt cheated, and quite underrated.  

MUNCHIES FOR MAGGOTS

I eat maggots because they taste so good,

I eat maggots because I feel I should,

I eat maggots with a dash of clay,

Cannot crawl out my belly that way,

I'd rather eat maggots, than a Red Ridding Hood.

Kindergarten Blues

If I have to drink tea again, I'm going to resign,

Some days I want coffee, some days I pine wine,

In kindergarten, all day,

I am stuck there with no pay,

Staying home with mommy, watching soaps, suits me fine.

WHEN NEW LIFE FINDS A WAY, I FIND A FLY SWATTER

The first flies of spring were busy buzzing at my door,

Then, I tapped them with a fly swatter and, they went straight down to the floor,

It seems like every spring, 

I am killing everything,

Spring is when new life unfolds then, on new life I wage a war.

CHICKPEA CHICKEN OF THE SEA SALTS

I got me an old hen, but I ain't got no corn,

So my Cornish hen, I cannot fully adorn,

I got some chickpeas,

And some salt from the seas,

For my chickpea hen, I'll start the oven mid-morn.

I NEED AI CAUSE MY BRAIN CELLS DONE DIE

Artificial intelligence is what I really need,

If I had the AI, maybe I could learn to read,

Went to church school every summer,

Killed my brain cells, what a bummer,

NowI need brain implants, so I life I might succeed.

AI

I got artificial intelligence, so I went to ask my doctor "why?"

He told me it was an inherited disease that I'll have until I die,

He said my brain was out to lunch,

Caused by many a head punch,

So I got a punchy brain; AI insane, and I'm trending to lie, lie.

While Fungal Harvesting, Watch Out For Your Shoes

Whilst I cleaned fungus, from between my toes, at Lou's,

An alien from mars, stole my brand new blue/pink shoes,

That Martian, done a real bad,

I squeezed him hard, he got sad,

Now he's just a puddle of runny Martian ooze. 

DUMPED BY PHIL, GREW WEED OF DILL

I got depressed when I got left by my Phil,

So I got me some dill seeds and grew me some dill,

My licenced dill farm,

Done no one no harm,

 Till I powdered the dill weed and made a thrill pill.

MY TOAD CHEWED EARS

My toad likes to nibble my ears,

I said, "stop, or I'll cut off your beers",

He did not stop,

So he's drinking just pop,

But he spikes it, that's what I fears.

MY SPACESHIP WENT BOOM II

My big spaceship; it went boom,

Some said it was my financial doom,

But I got all the money,

From my government honey,

Politicians, I know how to groom.

BOOM WENT THE SPACESHIP

I launched a big, big spacecraft, and it blew up in the sky,

I lost a billion dollars, the people below the ship, only die,

Lucky I got a subsidy,

Others lost money, not me,

I got given even more money, next time my ship might fly.

,

MY SQUIRREL AND THE EAGLE FLEW OFF TOWARD THE LEIGH

My pet squirrel ran up a tree,
For I had trained him to pick the nuts for me,
Then, along came an eagle,
And, he did something illegal,
Grabbing my squirrel and flying off toward the leigh.