JERRY THE BOUNCER

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights,

Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights,

He threw out the punks,

Called cabs for the drunks,

At last, He locked the place down, and turned out the lights.

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TEETH BRUSHED WILL TRAVEL

Palmer likes to hit the booze, some say he is nothing but a lush,

I find it hard to tell, because after each drink, his teeth he'll brush,

Palmer travels on a train,

Sometimes Palmer takes a plane,

Palmer always has his toothbrush, so his habit stays hush, hush.

BUGGY BITTERS

Whenever I go down to the neighborhood pub,

I get layers of dead bugs in my bitters and grub,

Tried partaking elsewhere,

Found much short pubic hair,

I guess the bugs are ok at my old townie hub.

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

MY MEALS ARE UNMEMORABLE

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters,

Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters,

My food is such a bore,

It's from the liquor store,

It's always the same, gin and bitters.

THE BRAIN CELL KILLER

Jim cannot tell a tomato from a potato, anymore,

Those brain cells must have died, when he walked into that door,

All the vodka, flavored cherry

That Jim drank, to be merry,

Made his head and guts as well, a very achy soar.

A THIEF STOLE A BENNY, FROM A PEASANT WHO WAS POOR

I use to know a little peasant, he was really, really poor,

I'd toss him a penny, if he promised not to ask for more,

Well, he saved every penny,

Till he got a bill, a Benny,

Then someone stole the Benny to buy liquor at the store.

I BUY MY. WINE AT DOLLAR STORES

My table wine did not taste so good,

Flavored like the polish I use on wood,

My eyes turned dark green,

Hurt in kidneys, liver spleen,

Discount wine maybe bad, now understood.

GRIEVE AND HEAVE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

The big ball was dropped on New Year's Eve,🕛🎉🎉🎉🔔

It crushed a guy below, named Steve,🚶

There was not time for us to grieve,😢

The drinks were gone, and it was time to leave,🍷🍸🍹🍻

We all went home to have a heave.   🚽

SIDE AFFECTS WHEN MAKING MOUTH MASH FOR CASH

There was a little angel, sitting on my toe,

He was scratching his back, on the toenail I let grow,

There was a little devil, sitting on my knee

He whacked my knee with his hatchet, and boy did that hurt me,

And, on my belly sat the prettiest unicorn,

He stabbed my belly deep with his twisted, sharpened horn,

Then in my mouth there was the devil fermenting mash,

He said he'd make it up to me, when he bootlegged his whiskey for some cash.