HUMAN BEANS

They said I should act more like a human bean,

I thought that comment was very crass and mean,

At any party,

Beans make one farty,

Then future party invites, are never seen.

PERSONAL DENTAL CARE

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar,

I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far,

It caught me off my guard,

When the whole jar turned hard,

I now brush with baking soda; my teeth are black as tar.

SCOTT, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

Scott had ugly bugs coming out his nose,

He had even more nasties,  when he blows,

Scott was meany mean,

Even more, unclean,

Scott had odd things, growing between his toes.

NO GREETING CARD, JUST BAD NEWS FROM THE BANK

I went outside and got the mail, at the breaking of the dawn,

It was no greeting card, but a notice I was overdrawn,

I went to the bank,

I was in the tank,

No prob, I got stuff to pawn.

MY SHOWER ROPE WAS EMPTY

Mason used up all the soap,

So, all I had was an empty rope,

So, I used up his shampoo,

Got even, true,

Now, he won't be telling ma, that I'm just a stupid dope.

THE FEAR OF SOAPS, SHOWERS AND FLOWERS

There was a grocery bagger, named Howard,

Howard was by all measures, a true coward,

He hardly ever used soap and then showered,

His many smells made him feel more empowered,

He feared the soap scent would make him smell flowered.

WHAT LURKS BETWEEN THE TOES

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose,

While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes,

The surgeon removed a tick,

And a big green pogo stick,

And a fifty foot, green garden hose.

BERNARD: I SMELL A LOVE STORY

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited,

But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited,

His love called him a sleaze,

Said he smelled like fart cheese,

Bernard took a shower, so one fault could be righted.   

THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

BEN OF NAILS

Ben's toe nails were a yard longer than his feet,

Ben showed them off by walking barefoot down the street,

But, all the neighbors made fun,

Kids would scream and then run,

Ben got his nails trimmed by a manicurist named Pete.  

VISA IS THE TOOTH FAIRY, WHO PAYS NEDDY'S DENTIST BILLS

Neddy had bad tooth decay,

But, he ate his candy, anyway,

When his front tooth popped out,

Neddy had not, any doubt,

He had to see a dentist, and max his credit card to pay.

WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid, I was a nerd, not a fool,

I started chess club at my elementary school,

I was always the spelling champ,

My tests got only the "A" stamp,

Then I woke from my dream, when I fell off the bar stool.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW, SICK TOAD

Some guy got lost way out in my woods,

We robbed him, we were dressed with yellow hoods,

I told him, "follow my bro, The Toad",

"He knows the way to the main road,

Toad is always sick, because he don't bath like he shoulds."

FENDING OFF DISEASE AND BUGS

Varmints come and varmints go,

Some bring lice; some virus woe,

Don't be a dope,

Wash hands soap,

And shower from head to toe.

FUZZY, WAS HE, HE'S GONE

There was a fuzzy guy named Randy, 

He left fuzz all over the Candy,

Then Candy got mad,

And made Randy sad,

 With a new beau who showered named, Andy.

I SHOULD CHARGE ADMISSION, TO MY BEARD

I have a zoo living in my beard,

Animals both common, and also very weird,

There's a howl, a chirp and bark,

Roars like a Jurassic Park,

And there are the smells, which are nastier than what I heard.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.