THE WOODCHUCK GOT BRAINS

I had to give up my soul,

When I fell into that big woodchuck hole,

At the bottom were rocks,

Brains displayed like fresh lox,

The chuck feasted with his little friend, mole.

THE TEMPERATURE IS TOO DARN HIGH

It was so hot the earth felt like a grill,

I was cooking and needed a chill,

My AC would not work,

Because of a utility clerk,

I was cut off because I couldn't pay my bill.

I STILL GOT A ROOM, BUT NO DEVICES THAT BOOM

My landlord knocked hard on my door,

Her knuckles ran red and looked sore,

I said go away,

I have no money today,

She then kicked the door down to the floor,

The landlord came into my room, 

I knew what was coming, my doom,

She said my room was a mess,

The loud noise caused her stress,

Mommy took all my speakers that boom.

PING PONG WITH GAS

I went to the temple, Ding Dong,

To meet a big hairy dude named King Kong,

King Kong was rude,

He belched eating food,

And farted while playing ping pong.

BAD AIRS AND CANADIAN CABIN BEARS

I went to Canada to do cavorting in fresh air,

The air was really bad, and I got ate by some bear,

Canada was a no win, 

No going back there to sin,

The bear pooped me out in the morning, in case you should care.💩💩💩🍸

CANADIAN FIRES AND I''M MISSING THE FAIR

Horrible air, just about everywhere,

It comes from Canada, it's like breathing hair,

If the lungs get more filled, 

I'm afraid I am killed,

I doubt that I make it to the Fall Harvest Fair.

SOY IS SO RICH, YET IT MAKES ME SO POOR

I went down the road to the store, to get me some soy,

I found lots of products, making me one happy boy,

I found soy that was gooey,

And soy nuts that were chewy,

And the price that I paid, filled the owner with joy.

THE HOME INVADER IN MY BED

I laid my head down on the pillow on top of my bed,

But it was not a pillow, it was a possum instead,

It bit on my face,

Then ran from the place,

Leaving my white sheets, turning very wet and very red.

MY AI WAS NO PI IN THE SKY

I went to the store and bought AI for my brain,

I plugged it into my head and got a huge IQ gain,

I had reasoning power,

But it only lasted one hour,

The hangover was a head throbbing pain.

POTTY WATTY THE BEAR

Potty Watty was a bear,

Potty Watty liked to share,

He shared his teeth,

With the rancher's beef,

And gave the herd of cows a scare.

GRANDPA'S CAVE, AND SAFETY FIRST

I went to a cemetery to check out a stone,

Where grand pappy was buried,with his skin and his bone,

It took my eyes no guidance,

To observe much subsidence,

The grave did a cave, I left an orange safety cone.

SOLAR BEAMS

I got burnt by some hot solar beams,

Now I'm covered with ointments and creams,

It has gotten so hot,

My brains cooked quite a lot,

Now out my nostrils and eye sockets, it steams

IT GOT SO HOT...

It became so very hot, my little house overheated,,

My air conditioner blew up, it was completely defeated,

I retreated to the tub,

In the water, I played sub,

Then the house exploded with fire, soon my walls were deleted.

AVOIDED LEACHES, BUGS, WORMS AND CRABS, BUT NOT FLIES

My towel was my little piece of paradise on the beach,

It held down beneath me the worm, bug, crab and blood sucking leach,

But then came the flies,

They molested my eyes,

Be extremely cautious at the beach, is the sermon I preach.

PEACE, GREASE AND BANANAS

The only way my brain finds peace,

Is eating bananas fried in bacon grease,

They taste so good,

The main food in my hood,

We use them for stuffing, in our Christmas geese.

SMELL OF THE BURN CREAMS

I went out in the sun and got photon abused,

I got peeling, burnt skin, and the sun I've accused,

Then after puppy was fed,

I went real early to bed,

The smell of the burn creams, made my brain so confused.

PHANTOM OF THE SPICED BANANA

A phantom ate all my ripe, yellow bananas, and then said something really nice,

He said my bananas were the perfect yellow, and tasted good with cinnamon spice,

He said he tried them with ginger,

But that was a cringer,

Unless, you fry them in oil and salt them up thrice.

I MADE A NEW FRIEND IN MY NEW HOUSE

I had some wattle and clay, and built a brand new house,

It stunk so very bad, I lost four cats and my spouse,

But without delay,

I made a friend that day,

Who moved in, after he had a deep crevice de-louse.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

My kite is flying high in the sky,

How it's there?  I don't know why,

It ain't no joke,

My kite cord broke,

Near a year ago, this Fourth of July.

CREMATION: IT'S NOT JUST FOR POOR GRANDPAS ANYMORE

When my birdie died there was a health concern,

So his remains, I was ordered to "quick, burn",

He went into the fire of no return,

Except for ashes in an urn,

Now he sits upon my mantle, next door to grandpa Vern.

BIRD FLU

I eat mostly the legs off chicken,

I eat down to the bones, where I find slim pickin,

I drink applesauce,

Till I'm sick and toss,

Bird and fruit cause my belly to sicken.

WARNING! U-235 IS NOT FOR WOODSTOVES

I knew my old woodstove would need fuel, if I were to survive,

So I stole fuel from the nuke plant where I work, some uranium--235,

As I was getting very sick,

I threw it in my woodstove, quick

When my eyeballs both leaked out, I knew I was likely not alive.

FELT BAD, FELT BETTER, FELT WORSE

My rent had fallen into arrears,

My landlord chastised me into tears,

I drank a cold pop,

And played some hip-hop,

Then got evicted, and thrown out on my ears.

I'm Staying At The "Jailhouse Hotel" On Memorial Day Weekend

I drove up north really fast,

So my time at my vacay would last,

I rolled the car while speeding,

My bod starting bleeding,

Now, I'm sitting in jail with a cast.

A MARRIAGE, A BUSINESS AND HEAVES

There is a house painter named Steves,

He only paints right under the eaves,

He leaves the rest of the house,

For his unlucky spouse,

Steve then drinks at the bar till he heaves. 

HOE, HOE, HOE AND MAKE MY TUBERS GROW

My little potato plant would not grow,

I asked it why? It did not know,

When under it, I dug,

I found the tubers, snug,

I un-snugged the tubers with my garden hoe.

I GOT A LICKEN, WHEN TEXAS BANNED CHICKEN

A law was just passed saying you could no longer eat chicken,

If you were caught eating bird you'd get a public licken,

A punishment of pain,

Affects one's brain,

Then the smell of cooked bird makes you sicken.

PETS EAT THE DARNDEST THINGS

I bought some worm castings to mix into my soil,

So I could grow tulips without the hard toil,

But my doggie Ruff Ruff,

Ate my worm castings stuff,

Now his belly is swelly, and it gurgle and boil.

IF YOU HAVE A NO DRAIN, IT COULD BE LETHAL

I planted my tomatoes in an old tin pot,

The pot had no drain, so they got the root rot,

My tomato plants went dead,

Cautionary tale, tis said,

Drill some holes in the bottom, dot, dot dot.

THE LITTLE CRAWDAD IS ME

The Little Crawdad, that is me,

I swim with the fish in the sea,

When my day is done,

I catch myself one,

So I can have a kipper with tea.

GRANDMA WANTED THE BOTTLE, NOT TWO FINGERS

Grandma was upset to see an apple worm in her apple juice,

I two fingered out the worm so grandma would drink, that I deduce,

I was out of luck this day,

My dirty fingers, that's all I'll say,

Grandma switched to apple brandy, and became a silly, giddy, goose.

THE DIET AND DEFIBRUILLLATOR BLUES

They used the defibrillator, to start Benny's heart back up,

He now must lower cholesterol, so no more bacon cheese steaks, for sup,

Although he almost died,

Old Benny had his pride,

He brags about eating greasy chips, while watching TV with his pup.

BLIND TO WHAT LIES AHEAD

The fog was so thick, it blinded my eyes,

On the road ahead, I did not know what lies,

Well, it was a bear,

A grizzly affair,

The bear pulled me from the wreck, ate me, so I dies.

I GAVE AWAY SALLY AT HER MARRIAGE TO BETH

I walk with Miss Sally towards the shadow of Beth,

Though it be a torture, it's better than death,

Sally and Beth did not tarry,

After high school.they would marry,

Thanks to a minister, all knew him as Seth.

THE BRAIN CELL KILLER

Jim cannot tell a tomato from a potato, anymore,

Those brain cells must have died, when he walked into that door,

All the vodka, flavored cherry

That Jim drank, to be merry,

Made his head and guts as well, a very achy soar.

THE UPHILL HEART THROMBOSIS

I needed to go to market to get me some dill,

All would be fine, but the market is up the hill,

That's where my car will not go,

Uphill; geared in high, or in low,

I got consternation; had to take a heart pill.

YOU EITHER FISH FOR SUPPER OR WITH SUPPER

My fishing rig,

A plastic worm on a jig,

Caught a fish,

Don't I wish,

Super is a plastic worm and a cig.

I SLEEP ALONE, BUT ED IS BY MY BED

I had a little bitty skunk, his name was Uncle Ed,

He stunk up the house, the barn, and even my red sled.

My mate complained about the smell,

On day, left without the normal yell,

Now Uncle Ed sleeps inside, at the foot of my big bed.

HAVOC WITH THE LITTLE SPLEEN

My tomatoes turned from pink to a tan-green,

I should not of coated them with my sunscreen,

But, in the sun they got hot,

Boiled dry, without a pot,

And, dried tomatoes raise havoc, with my little spleen.

WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid, I was a nerd, not a fool,

I started chess club at my elementary school,

I was always the spelling champ,

My tests got only the "A" stamp,

Then I woke from my dream, when I fell off the bar stool.

THE RED DRAGON EATS...

I am the Red Dragon and I like to roar,

I got to eat people, nothing good at the store,

I tried some cheese,

But it made me sneeze,

It's tasty people flesh, I adore.

ONE PERSON'S TOILET IS ANOTHER PERSONS...

Ed didn't know there were so many peasants, until Ed took a leak,

Ed found a hundred peasants, swimming in the public pee-in creek,

It was no surprise,

They had infected eyes,

They also had runny blisters, but care they lacked the funds to seek.

CRACKING PORCELAIN

It was cold in the morning, so Ben boiled some rice,

To give it good flavor, Ben buttered it twice,

To give his bowels some torque,

Ben added cans of beans and pork,

Ben spent the day exploding on his toilet device.

MY SPECIAL FATHER'S DAY GIFT

I got thumb screws for Father's Day, and I don't have any kids,

I got the screws from my business pal; our biz is on the skids,

To stay afloat we did a crime,

Might go to jail, and do some time,

We spend our days waiting for the cops, at downtown bar, called "Sids".

RATS MADE MY TOILET ACCESSIBLE ANYTIME.

The filth in my house gives my house an A+ rat rating,

That's why I'm left home alone, with my family vacating,

With the rats I'll share,

My food pantry laid bare,

A win, win, for now I'll have the bathroom without waiting.

DOES DRAGON RHYME WITH PAGAN?

The giant green dragon,

Bent my best red wagon,

My wagon is sagging,

Dragon tail is rear dragging,

I'm a cursed little pagan.

MONSTERS HAVE MAMAS TOO (HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!)

Zombies celebrate Mother's Day in the afternoon,

Werewolves only celebrate, if there be a full moon,

Vampires celebrate after dark,

Then mama's kiss leaves a neck mark,

They all play creepy music, like some Bachy organ tune.

A THIEF STOLE A BENNY, FROM A PEASANT WHO WAS POOR

I use to know a little peasant, he was really, really poor,

I'd toss him a penny, if he promised not to ask for more,

Well, he saved every penny,

Till he got a bill, a Benny,

Then someone stole the Benny to buy liquor at the store.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY?

Some weekends I lose my Saturday, like it's zero seconds long,

Sometimes I go out Friday night, and things just go real wrong,

It starts off with the dancing,

Jerky movements, and some prancing,

Then I wakeup Sunday morning, as the church bell go ding dong.

MACARONI BOWS, AND A LION SOMETIMES CALLED BRIAN

Timmy eats only macaroni, if it's shaped in little bows,

Timmy only goes outside, when the winter wind, it blows,

Timmy has a pet mountain lion,

Calls it Frank, or sometimes Brian,

Timmy has fed the cat every neighbor that Timmy knows.

GARDENER LOU AND THE BIG CHOO CHOO

There was this very crazy guy, everyone called him Lou,

Planted a veggie garden and not a single veggie grew,

He bought a little Jeep,

It went honk, beep, beep,

The Jeep got hit by a big train, and Lou then tried to sue.

TO ALL THE MOMS ON MOM'S DAY

I wish all moms on mom's day,
Happy thoughts all the way,
And, after each evening storm,
To wake up warm,
Like sunshine on the bay.

I LOST MONEY BETTING ON HORSES, NOW I SERVE THEM AT MY PLACE OF EATS

I cook delicious food while listening to music in c minor,

That's why I call my restaurant "The C Minor Diner",

I use to listen to D Major,

Bet on horseys, lost big wager,

I changed my music and my job, because my mate was a major whiner.

MABEL NEEDED MINTS

Mabel had no Listerine,

She lost her boyfriends, Fred and Dean,

She had the breath of a bear,

With poor hygiene care,

A smell so strong, some say it was seen.

WHEN BETTY GOOSE GOT ON THE LOOSE

I had a cow named Betty Goose,

She became with calf every time she got loose,

Of course the babies I'd steal,

To make myself veal,

Marinated in cranberry juice.

DON'T INVEST WITH PERKY PAUL

Perky Paul had pretty, blue eyes,

All believed him, when he told lies,

Perky Paul, 

Had a margin call,

His investors went broke, because they weren't wise.

A BIG SQUIRRELY DECISION

I decided I was going out in the woods to hunt squirrel,

I took along with me my favorite hunting hound, Pearl,

But the squirrel was big and mean,

Ten foot tall, maybe 15,

We runs back to my old shack,  so we could hide and curl.

TIME TRAVEL DREAMER

My spaceship travels faster than light,

That means time travel, and it's a delight,

Maybe some ancient Greece,

Might give me some peace,

And new pyramids might be a delight.

MABEL HAD NO MAKEUP

Mabel had no Maybelline,

Even though, she had washed up clean,

With her friend Loren,

They went out to buy corn,

Couldn't buy steaks; their funds were lean.

ROTTEN TEETH AND DOTS: A LIFE ADVENTURE, BY BOB

Bob didn't brush his teeth, and they all got really rotty,

Then a dentist Bob saw, and the dentist got snotty,

Bob then went out to the woods,

Picked what berries he coulds,

He ate all the berries, and his skin got all dotty.