LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt
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Tuesday, October 8, 2024
SCHOOL FLUNKED, PENSION PUNKED
I failed all my finals and flunked out of college school,
I went to work for my uncle, who does dye and tool,
In my 40th year,
Claimed my pension, oh dear,
Seems my uncle had spent it on parties and a pool.
Monday, October 7, 2024
SELLING THE DILLED ON THE HILLED
I was gonna do up some sour pickles that are dilled,
I was gonna sell um, up by the highway, where it's hilled,
Then I found my dill was full of worms,
With that, I finally come to terms,
I still used the dill, and the quality, each sale confirms.
TED MEWING HIS JAW
Down in the new shopping mall,Ted was mewing on display,
Showing off his big jaw bone size, throughout the live long day,
Before Ted headed home,
His mewing lips spewed foam,
Afterwards when people saw Ted, they fled quickly away.
Sunday, October 6, 2024
AI CLOWN KITE HAS MOVES
My kite has captured the eyes of the town,
My kite has the face of a circus clown,
My kite is controlled by AI,
It twists and turns sharp on the fly,
It dives to crash, then turns sharp up, from down.
MY PARTY, THE ENEMY AND I FLEE
In a small cave I threw a nice party,
Then shows up, my worst enemy, Marty,
Marty drinks our mixed juice,
Then mean Marty lets loose,
Driving us from the cave with his farty.
Friday, October 4, 2024
THE POTATO SUPER EIGHT
There were once eight garden heroes, called The Potato Super Eight,
They protected the vegetable garden, and they were first rate,
They chased off the worms and bugs,
The raccoons, gophers and slugs,
They were eight handsome, perfect spuds, all the green beans wanted to date.
BLUE JAY OLYMPIANS.
Several blue jays set on my laundry line and made a swing,
They swung one at a time like it was a competitive thing,
Each swung high for a while,
Then competed on style,
For a participation award; a worm from the leaf pile.
Thursday, October 3, 2024
MEALING WITH TOM
Tom's black eyed peas tasted delicious with butter and salt,
Tom ate too much, so he puked, which caused his eating to halt,
Tom then gulped some tangy drink,
It was lemonade, made pink,
Tom thought through deserts he knew, and picked a chocolate malt.
THE BOUNTY BAIL BLUES
The bounty hunter caught me, he was hot on my trail,
He told me that I must pay the bill on my huge bail,
As robber of my hood,
I will pay, as I should,
When my debt is being paid, that means I'm in a jail.
I HAVE NO RENT HOUSING
Nitty Gritty had no pity,
He owned the slums in the city,
The rent was high,
I said bye, bye,
My new box is itty, bitty.
Wednesday, October 2, 2024
THE MEME OF FEAR
I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,
Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,
But I am not going there,
I fear the meme of the bear,
With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams.
Monday, September 30, 2024
MYSTIC MERKEL PREDICTS TRUE
Psychic Mystic Merkel tells the true
About the future of me and you,
Your mom and dad,
They hate me bad,
If we breakup, it'll be a boohoo.ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
MELON, MEAT AND CORN
I had a watermelon, and I cut the melon into three,
One piece for my dog Lindsey, and the other two pieces, for me,
Then I ate a spiral ham,
My dog Lindsey, just got spam,
Then I shared my last can of corn, and Lindsey was tail-wag happy.
Sunday, September 29, 2024
BEARDED IRIS IN THE SNOW
I spied a bearded iris in a sea of white snow,
I couldn't imagine what made that lovely iris grow,
The cold made me sneeze, hack and cough,
It should have killed the iris off,
Then a fawn stoped and ate it, watched over by a doe.
THE WRINKLED CARROT IN A JAR
Today I found a wrinkled carrot, sealed tight in a glass mason jar,
It got really dry and spongy, sitting in the backseat of my car,
Where did that dried carrot grow?
In my garden, I think so,
I'll use it as a conversation piece, on display in my wet bar.
I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT
I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,
A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,
Black rain clouds became my ceiling,
Electric bolts, I was feeling,
I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent.
THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN THING
Young Jim Flip Joy LaRoy,
Loved his new airplane toy,
He took it to school,
Kids broke it, so cruel,
Jim had tears to deploy.
THE WEREWOLF AND THE BACK BACON
I walked into the butcher shop, and found a dire werewolf, lurking the store,
He had eaten all the butchers and clerks, and the old guy who sweep/mops the floor,
I asked the creature if it was taken?
I meant the last three pounds of back bacon?
The werewolf just looked and growled at me, as I removed the bacon out the door.
Saturday, September 28, 2024
MY SOCIAL COMMUNITY IS THE DOUGHNUT BAR: BELLY-UP
Because I leave my accounts, so unattended,
On most social media, I've been unfriended,
I deleted all the posts,
My fans hate the most,
For soc now, it's the doughnut bar, where I'm mended.
I LOVE MY SALTY AND FATTY MEATS
My pacemaker picked up the heart pace,
So I stayed part of the human race,
I could no longer eat,
Tasty, fatty, salt meat,
And that was a boot kick in the face.
Friday, September 27, 2024
INVASION OF THE NOSE COOTIES
Jimmy was invaded by cooties; they ran up his big nose,
Some cooties dripped out in ice-snot, when the temperatures froze,
Jimmy said a little later,
He was a nose cootie hater,
That was after the doc flushed the nose cooties, out with a hose.
VALUE OF LIFE
All the little humans they learn, learn, learn,
That makes their little brain cells churn, churn, churn,
Then they work for others who are stern, stern, stern,
When they die they get to burn, burn, burn,
Then they're all in ashes, and someone sticks them in an urn.
THE IN-LAWS AND MOBY DICK
My awful in-laws have eaten all the worms in my pail,
I needed the worms to go fishing, to catch me a whale,
It just is not funny,
Those worms cost me money,
And in under three minutes, the fishing boat will set sail.
Thursday, September 26, 2024
NUT EXCITEMENT
I just picked a little tiny, brown nut,
From a tree growing over my shack-hut,
Oh, Glory bee,
The nut was free,
The excitement ended my daily rut.
NEIGHBORS CAME TO DINNER
My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor,
Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front door,
Sweep, Sweep, zoom, zoom,
I used the broom,
I could not stop the cockroaches, because they kept on coming, more, more, more.
Wednesday, September 25, 2024
JOINT COLLABORATIONS WITH CAESAR
I knew this guy named Caesar, and he YouTubed making pizza pie,
I joined him for a joint collab; my food was a greasy French fry,
The pizza turned out good,
My French fry chewed like wood,
We've started our next joint collab; cutting onions without a cry.
Tuesday, September 24, 2024
I PITIED MY MEAL.TO THE FREEZER
I felt great pity for the salmon I caught from the sea,
I cried when his sad eyes were begging to send him home, free,
I scraped off his scales,
Pulled out his entrails,
I made fillets for the freezer, for my mama and me.
STONE STEW, MY BLUE
The stew I ate was full of stones and dirt,
The stew caused me a real awful, bad hurt,
I cracked a dear tooth,
I had since my youth,
And broke my jaw, which I had since my birth.
Monday, September 23, 2024
MEAN JIMMY AND THE HACKEY SACK
Darren had a hackey sack, that he kicked around all day,
Then along came Jimmy, who kicked the hackey sack away,
Because of Jimmy's bad,
Darren big eyes went sad,
Jimmy went and retrieved the sack, and bag toss they did play.
Sunday, September 22, 2024
DRAGON DREAMS AND SCREAMS
The big, bad dragon really screamed, the big, bad dragon really roared,
After Sammy bled it dry, with a little, pretend sword,
Then Sammy got stung,
By hot dragon tongue,
Sammy took a nap, because dragon play had made him bored.
MY COUSINS CAME TO.VISIT, FROM CANADA
My Canadian cousins came to visit, and I think they ate my cats,
They are two freckled, 8 year old, red haired girls, and also little brats,
They would have ate my dogs,
But they craved my pollywogs,
When I visit them in Vancouver, maybe their gerbils will become hats.
THE GREAT ANN ARBOR DRAGON
The great Ann Arbor Dragon turned himself into stone,
For he ate sixty tons of pure, crunchy human bone,
What's acceptable to eat,
Is only the human meat,
The skeleton we use to make a nice candle scone.
Saturday, September 21, 2024
BLUE RIBBON TURNUP
The vegetable farm held a turnip contest, once per day,
The heaviest one got a ribbon, and put out on display,
The very heaviest ones,
Were full of worms; sons-of-guns,
The farmer never did care, "they had protein", he'd always say.
Friday, September 20, 2024
WHY I WEAR MY BLINGS
Some people push a theory that the universe is made of strings,
I completely disagree, the verse is made of just pretty things,
It's made of kitty cats,
And puppies that wear hats,
Of course, it's made of golden jewelry, that's why I wear my blings.
FEEDING PETS PETS
Someone ate my pet mosquito,
I think it was my frog named Tito,
My snake, Mr. Sam Nickels,
Ate my rat, Maurice Pickles,
I guess everyone is on a diet called Keto.
DRAGONS UNHEALTHY
Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat,
Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,
The dragons are always joking,
They'll never give up their smoking,
The same old story at every wake greet.
Thursday, September 19, 2024
BEETLE AND THE J
I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away
He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,
At the end of his beak,
The blue jay had a leak,
The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the jay that day.
Wednesday, September 18, 2024
YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES
There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,
He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,
Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,
Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,
And fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.
Tuesday, September 17, 2024
THE LITTLE TWEETER ON THE NEWS
The little tweeter was on the nightly news,
He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse,
Open eyes I couldn't keep,
I fell deep down in sleep,
His mouth sounds were boring, so I took a snooze.
THE CORN MOON BANCHEE
The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,
Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,
The great pigs we baste and roast,
Feeding any passing ghost,
While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.
Monday, September 16, 2024
TITANS OF TETHER BALL
I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team
We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem,
We knocked competition to the floor,
Until they would beg for no more,
We won every match; "meanies", our opponents would scream.
DEAD WITH POODLE NED
My universe collapsed down on my head,
It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead,
I was in doggy heaven,
With my bestie hound, Kevin,
And my enemy, a Poodle, named Ned.
FREEDOM SOMETIMES COSTS A CHUNK OF FLESH
The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making a daring, cage break,
When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they would take,
One keet took a big bite,
The others went to flight,
They flew out the store door to their freedom, and the sun made them awake.
Sunday, September 15, 2024
I'M NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK
I needed a deck of plain playing cards,
So I went shopping in peoples front yards,
I found a deck, not new,
Missing cards, quite a few,
I bought it, and to play cards is real hards.
I WAS GONNA VOTE, BUT I WENT TO JAIL
I went to vote on this sunny day,
I could vote what I wanted to say,
The parking was real tight,
I got into a fight,
I went to jail, and that's where I'll stay.
Saturday, September 14, 2024
DROP PASTE SOUP
When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,
And you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,
Grab a cup of toothpaste,
Mix in cough drops to taste,
Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.
WARNING: DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY
WARNING: FIRE HAZARD
Friday, September 13, 2024
A LITTLE LIFE GROUNDED, AFTER DREAM
I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal,
I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel,
I could prance as a snob,
As the peasants I rob,
Of course, I can't pay room rent, because my fancy dreams just ain't real.
Thursday, September 12, 2024
I WAS A LITTLE RASPBERRY
I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was,
I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz,
Someone wanted me for sup,
So they tried to clean me up,
I spread out into red pimples, like an old raspberry does.
UNHINGED TRUMPETER
Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,
Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,
Her lips were sore,
Her tongue was tore,
She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.
BAD CREDIT AND NO HORN
Fred decided to buy a new shinny horn, cornet,
Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet,
Fred picked out one that shined,
His credit was declined
Now Fred has not a mouthpiece, and lips dripping wet.
Wednesday, September 11, 2024
The family wanted me to treat,
By paying for a burger-fries eat,
But they are full of vicious deceit,
They never can lift the toilet seat,
So no to treat of taters and meat.
11822
WHAT MY ZOMBIES WILL EAT
I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun,
I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun,
They ate my wife, a librarian,
Then became brat, vegetarian,
Without pigs feet; it's orange Jello on a bun and I'm done.
Tuesday, September 10, 2024
I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS
I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs,
I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,
I ate the goldfish,
The kids named it Trish,
I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.
THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON
There once was a dragon with the littlest hands,
He wanted absolute rule over all the lands,
But along came a knightess,
Who just did what was rightess,
She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banneds.
THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS
So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,
But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,
I got a lawsuit,
From each crushed toot, toot,
Now I deliver to stores ice cream bars.
Monday, September 9, 2024
WISHES OF AN AI SLAVE
My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May,
I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay,
I wanted to be a regular boy,
I dreamed they named me Little Roy,
At least make me a toaster oven, if only I had some say.
MY CANARY IN THE COAL MINE
I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well,
My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell,
A bad poisonous gas,
Through his bird lungs did pass,
Too bad my birdie died that day, for I had bought him a new seed shaped bell.
CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST
My cello was run over by a sports car,
It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,
I thought it wouldn't get injured,
So it was never insured,
I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.
Sunday, September 8, 2024
THE DILL THRILLED GRANNY
When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill,
It was growing up on a sand and rocky, hill,
It stood in the hot sun,
It was the only one,
I took the dill home to granny; she got a thrill.
Saturday, September 7, 2024
WHEN YOU HEAR A JEEP BEEP FROM BEHIND
Junior Otto has a little old jeep,
Up the hill it will very, slowly creep,
A couple of takes,
The jeep has no brakes,
Going downhill, Junior relies on his beep.
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