BLUE RIBBON TURNUP

The vegetable farm held a turnip contest, once per day,

The heaviest one got a ribbon, and put out on display,

The very heaviest ones,

Were full of worms; sons-of-guns,

The farmer never did care, "they had protein", he'd always say.

WHY I WEAR MY BLINGS

Some people push a theory that the universe is made of strings,

I completely disagree, the verse is made of just pretty things,

It's made of kitty cats,

And puppies that wear hats,

Of course, it's made of golden jewelry, that's why I wear my blings.

FEEDING PETS PETS

Someone ate my pet mosquito,

I think it was my frog named Tito,

My snake, Mr. Sam Nickels,

Ate my rat, Maurice Pickles,

I guess everyone is on a diet called Keto.

DRAGONS UNHEALTHY

Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat,

Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,

 The dragons are always joking,

They'll never give up their smoking,

The same old story at every wake greet.

BEETLE AND THE J

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away

He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,

At the end of his beak,

The blue jay had a leak,

The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the  jay that day.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

THE LITTLE TWEETER ON THE NEWS

The little tweeter was on the nightly news,

He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse,

Open eyes I couldn't keep,

I fell deep down in sleep,

His mouth sounds were boring, so I took a snooze.

THE CORN MOON BANCHEE

The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,

Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,

The great pigs we baste and roast,

Feeding any passing ghost,

While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.

TITANS OF TETHER BALL

I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team

We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem,

We knocked competition to the floor,

Until they would beg for no more,

We won every match; "meanies", our opponents would scream.

DEAD WITH POODLE NED

My universe collapsed down on my head,

It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead,

I was in doggy heaven,

With my bestie hound, Kevin,

And my enemy, a Poodle, named Ned.

FREEDOM SOMETIMES COSTS A CHUNK OF FLESH

The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making  a daring, cage break,

When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they would take,

One keet took a big bite,

The others went to flight,

They flew out the store door to their freedom, and the sun made them awake.

I'M NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK

I needed a deck of plain playing cards,

So I went shopping in peoples front yards,

I found a deck, not new,

Missing cards, quite a few,

I bought it, and to play cards is real hards.

I WAS GONNA VOTE, BUT I WENT TO JAIL

I went to vote on this sunny day,

I could vote what I wanted to say,

The parking was real tight,

I got into a fight,

I went to jail, and that's where I'll stay.

DROP PASTE SOUP

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,

And you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,

Grab a cup of toothpaste,

Mix in cough drops to taste,

Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.

WARNING:  DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY

WARNING:  FIRE HAZARD

A LITTLE LIFE GROUNDED, AFTER DREAM

I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal,

I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel,

I could prance as a snob,

As the peasants I rob,

Of course, I can't pay room rent, because my fancy dreams just ain't real.

I WAS A LITTLE RASPBERRY

I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was,

I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz,

Someone wanted me for sup,

So they tried to clean me up,

I spread out into red pimples, like an old raspberry does.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

BAD CREDIT AND NO HORN

Fred decided to buy a  new shinny horn, cornet,

Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet,

Fred picked out one that shined,

His credit was declined

Now Fred has not a mouthpiece, and  lips dripping wet.

The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

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WHAT MY ZOMBIES WILL EAT

I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun,

I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun,

They ate my wife, a librarian,

Then became brat, vegetarian,

Without pigs feet; it's orange Jello on a bun and I'm done.

I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs, 

I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,

I ate the goldfish,

The kids named it Trish,

I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.

THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hands,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the lands,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banneds.

THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores ice cream bars.

WISHES OF AN AI SLAVE

My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May,

I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay,

I wanted to be a regular boy,

I dreamed they named me Little Roy,

At least make me a toaster oven, if only I had some say.

MY CANARY IN THE COAL MINE

I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well,

My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell,

A bad poisonous gas,

Through his bird lungs did pass,

Too bad my birdie died that day, for I had bought him a new seed shaped bell.

CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

THE DILL THRILLED GRANNY

When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill,

It was growing up on a sand and rocky, hill,

It stood in the hot sun,

It was the only one,

I took the dill home to granny; she got a thrill.

WHEN YOU HEAR A JEEP BEEP FROM BEHIND

Junior Otto has a little old jeep,

Up the hill it will very, slowly creep,

A couple of takes,

The jeep has no brakes,

Going downhill, Junior relies on his beep.

THIS BOLD MAN...

This bold man, he had a son,

He had two, but away the other run,

With a big black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a home with a view,

He hated his neighbors, and they hated him too,

With a big black, Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a yacht on the sea,

With the rich and powerful, he liked to party,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, he could not fall asleep,

His son had called him a greedy, selfish creep,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, at a new beginning, he did arrive,

He became kind and generous, and finally felt alive,

He sold his big, black Cadillac, his yacht, and fancy home,

He quit all his drooling, and built a homeless shelter dome.

THE LIMERICK OF A RELATIONSHIP FOOL

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast,

Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past,

Captive in love of cutie Kim,

Serving dear Kim, whim after whim,

But once we were newly married, my Kim's love became hate, real fast.

THE ENSEMBLE: STRINGS, SPOON AND BASSOON

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon,

The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon,

When spoon hits bassoon wood,

The sound is mostly good,

Supported by strings, we make a pretty tune.

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

THE LOVE LIMERICK

I fell in love with a new sweetie,

We met while online going tweety,

We tweeted like birds,

With love-dovey words,

Perhaps real soon we will meety.

BAD DOG

My swollen eyeballs popped out of my head,

They were ate by my hound doggy, named Fred,

Fred's mouth gave out a loud burp,

His backside whimpered a chirp,

Such a bad day, so I went back to bed.

OTTO AND HIS LITTLE CAR, AND THE DEALERSHIP

Otto bought a brand new car, but it wasn't nearly big enough,

When Otto went to the grocery store, he didn't have room for stuff,

He had food for just half his kids,

The others had to hit the skids,

Otto tried taking back his car, but the dealer was mean and tough.

I'M A SCHOLAR WITH A DOLLAR AND BUGS

I felt rich when I found in my wallet, a dollar,

I felt smart when I read me a book, a scholar,

I still felt so defeated,

When everyone tweeted,

That like a dog, I needed an tick and flea collar.

I LOST MY JOB IN AEROSPACE

My boss kicked me hard, down the unemployment path,

Because my employer required I do math,

But not too long out the door,

I got work moping a floor,

On weekends at the zoo, I scrub down the giraffe.

THE GARY PAIR

Gary the dentist and Gary the house fly,

Roomed together in a townhouse in the sky,

Once Dr. Gary copped a tude,

So flying Gary got rude,

He pooped on the fresh eggs, Dr. Gary did fry.

HOMEMADE ROOT BEER SAMPLES

I dug up some tree roots to make some root beer,

It didn't taste too good, and my belly felt queer,

I got foam on my clothes,

When it ran from my nose,

If you're on the porcelain throne, please get clear.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

My neighbors were setting off holiday crackers,

The crackers sounded like cannon blast attackers,

One hit my shingled, tar roof,

Caused a fire that went poof,

I'm short a house, and eat donated cheese snackers. 

SNOT LICKER DRAGON

There is a very young dragon, his name is Mickey,

Mickey will snot on his victims and that is icky,

He don't breath fire,

Friends are his desire,

After he snots on you, our sweet Mickey gets licky.

MABEL, HUBBY AND BEANS IN THE TEENS

Mabel the cook, makes baked, delicious, pork beans

She feeds them to her four kids, the in-be-tweens,

Hubby will eat pie,

The beans he won't try,

Hubby says beans bloat him up, into fat jeans.

COUNTRY KIDS DO THE DARNDEST THINGS

I went to the dead critter store, and bought me fresh ground beef,

I took it home to my young'uns for their famine relief,

But the kids did not care,

They were eating a bear,

They had scraped bear meat off the street, it was roadkill, good grief.

BEAR TRAP

A griz set a bear trap in front of my front door,

When J stepped into the bear trap, my foot got sore,

I yelled really loud,

Didn't attract a crowd,

Then the grizzly bear ate, until I was no more.

JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES DOES HALLOWEEN

Jimmy thirty-five toes does not dress up for Halloween,

Jimmy goes barefoot, so his many toesies can be seen,

Jimmy definitely knows,

As his story grows and grows,

Jimmy will get more candy; the amount will be obscene.

MY STREET APARTMENT IS GONE

The crickets are still chirping, but the air has turned coughing cold,

I'd take me an apartment, but those affordable are sold,

I set up a tent,

While at work, it went,

A garbage truck took it far away, that is what I was told.

BRYAN THE MEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Bryan has an old Halloween soul,

He lives in a furnace with hot coal,

When it becomes Halloween,

Bryan goes out to be seen,

Scaring trick-or-treaters, his mean goal.

MABEL'S PODCAST PIE

Mabel is an influencer, but she can only influence pie,

She'll influence the crust to be flaky, but then it is way too dry,

Mabel got a blue ribbon in queens,

But that was for her tasty baked beans,

Mabel should influence bean baking, and let her pie pod channel die.

POST SUMMER

The green leaves are all dying to brown, the skies are gray,

The summer has passed, and for those fine times we will pay,

In this technical fall,

Early winter will call,

Now great oar faring ships, are winter parked in the bay.

THE GRIZ AND THE SAUR WENT TO WAR

I looked down from a bridge, and saw a huge dinosaur,

He was fighting a grizzly; it was an animal war,

The big grisly got on top,

Gave old dino-face a bop,

The dinosaur ran away, while the grizzly gave a roar.

HERMIT ADVENTURER

I'm A little baby hermit, and I'm an adventurous cuss,

I'm only six months old, but every morning I take a bus,

I head to a downtown shop

For sliced pizza and a pop

Then I commute back to home, before my family has a fuss.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

THE FOUR DIMENSIONAL GAMBLING PROJEDT

I went to the moon, and fell down into a deep pit,

There I found an alien boxed, space-time, travel kit,

I traveled back to sports games

Bet some money on some names,

I won billions of dollars, now I'll rest for a bit.

WHERE THE BOOGEYMAN BE

There was a boogeyman who hung around a boogey-bog,

He had a big boogey-cat, and a little boogey-dog,

He drank boogey-beer,

He ate boogey-deer,

Then the bad boogeyman would sleep under a boogey-log.

BUGS, PIMPLES AND BRAT

Jimmy had big bugs land all over his face,

They ate off his pimples, and now he looks ace,

Jimmy is now brat,

That's where he is at,

He just needs to keep tied each tennis shoe lace.

HERMIT GENES AND BEANS

I'm a baby hermit, and my ma put me to bed,

I fell fast asleep, when I laid down my hermit head,

My strange, weird hermit genes,

Made me dream of baked beans,

With normal genes, I'd dream of baked beans and buttered bread.

A BEACH MONSTER EATS

It crawled from the deep, dark sea to the land,

It ate the entire varsity band,

It was hungry for some more,

Swam to the island next door,

And ate each tourist, who smelled like beach sand.

THE BABY HERMIT IN THE TREE

I am a baby hermit, and I have climbed up into a tree,

Ma and pa and sis and bro, have been looking all around for me,

When one walks under my feet,

I do a bird tweet, tweet, tweet,

They never bother to look up, so baby hermit, they don't see.

INTO THE BOGGY PEAT MOOR

I fell into a real deep, boggy, peat moor,

Started sinking toward the dead place door,

Along came a rabbit,

I reached out to grab it,

The rabbit ran off, I started feeling poor.

GENETICALLY MODIFIED BIG

Ned was a little watermelon super, special seed,

When his mama got broke open, Ned fell into the weed,

The very next spring, Ned sprouted,

His mama's son, no one doubted,

Ned grew three meters long, because his genes were changed for greed.