THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

I GOT MY LICENCE, SO I'M NOT ON THE BOTTOM

My driver's licence has been renewed,

Without it, I would have been subdued,

I'd be held tight to the bottom,

When the road cops yelled, "we've got 'em",

In jail I'd be a boohoo sad, dude.

PSYCHOPATH RUINED MY LIFE

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class,

Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass,

Dad says college is done,

Because I had too much fun,

I'll grow old at his market, selling groceries and gas.

SNAKES MIGHT SQUIRM, BUT THEY AIN'T NO WORM

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard,

I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard,

It was for me, awful bad breaks,

The worms were small rattlesnakes,

At the hospital, I got a toe tag I.D. card.

DANGEROUS JOURNEYS

Although I got electrocuted when I gave them just a touch,

My jumper cables did not jump my battery, very

much,

So I was stranded on the road,

Laying in electrocuted mode,

Then a big rig went whizzing by, and he did not engage his clutch.

THE TURTLE, NORM AND ME

I was a ship captain and, my ship sank out on the sea,

The only two survivors were my parrot Norm, and me,

We swam to a deserted island spot,

That is as far as we ever got,

A sea turtle became our friend, and there we lived, all three.

MY RADIATOR DIED, THEN I WENT TO THE HOUSE OF HORRORS

As to my radiator that died on the road,

I won't write a soliloquy, or even an ode,

Although I was demanding,

I didn't deserve stranding,

I was picked up by a stranger, and got Edgar Allen Poed.

THIS ZOMBIE POEM KILLS

Seven brain hungry zombies followed me home,

I used a rock and cracked three of them in the dome,

I defeated three with a stick,

They don't move real quick

I destroyed the seventh one's brain, when I recited this poem.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE PERCH OF WINSTON CHURCH

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church,

Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch,

Benny left Winston food to eat,

Filled Winston's water, and left a treat,

Some days when Winston gets real board, he does a Google search.

SPELLS = OINTMENTS

I had a little basket of flowers, 

I thought they gave me supernatural powers,

But, when I made spells for some cash,

I got a contagious rash,

Now, I spread on ointments for hours.

HOMELESS AND LOOKING FOR A STABLE RELATIONSHIP

I'm due to make a house payment, but I've got a fun joke to play,

I'm not going to make the payment, by the scheduled payment day,

I felt real lucky, and of course,

Bet my payment on a quarter horse,

I will try to move into the stable, if the horse says I may.

THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK

AI has replaced my wealth building, good job,

The unemployed are my new mates, with whom I hobnob, 

I don't have a lot,

At the park, where I squat,

I pickup plastic for nickels, to eat canned corn off the cob.

THE BRAIN SCIENTIST OUTSMARTED ME

A famous brain scientist showed up, just outside of my front door,

The smarty wanted my brain tissues, 3-4 pounds, nothing more,

I sold my tissue for a thousand bucks,

Then went looking for pickup trucks,

I couldn't afford one with an engine, should have sold my brains for more.

ELMER USED HIS STOOP

Crazy Elmer had no roof, to keep his chickens warm and cozy,

Then every time the winter came, his poor chickens all got frozey,

So Elmer took the wood from his stoop,

Then built a roof on his chicken coup,

His home was never quite the same, and he was left by his wife, Rosey.

BREATH MINTS MATTER

Jimmy gave Joe some breath mints, and insisted Joe should take them soon,

Because werewolves were attracted to bad breath, and it was a full moon,

But, Joe was cheap,

Thought Jimmy, a creep,

Then Jimmy turned into a werewolf, and Joe and Jimmy began to spoon.

I AM A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER

I became a reporter because I like to snoop,

I've always looked for the juiciest scoop,

Like the two bears in the woods,

Who ate Ridding Hoods,

I exposed them with the bones, I found in their poop.

THE AI OCCUPATION

The artificial intelligence took away my cup of green tea,

The artificial intelligence said the tea hurt my efficiency,

Then it played a marching song,

Insisted I march along,

And, because the AI sensed defiance, it took away all my TP.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS A VERY REAL JERK

The AI kicked me off the internet, and made me eat purple potatoes,

I was only allowed to eat tubular food, and not the sauce of tomatoes,

AI was asserting control,

Without an obvious end game goal,

The thing that I am developing real fast, is a a case of the AI hateos.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE

No life forms live in my house,

Not a fly or rat or mouse,

All fear the host,

For it is a ghost,

With a demon spirit for a spouse.

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.

PING, PANG, POOF, GOES THE ROOF

The rain poured down upon my metal roof,

The rain raged with a ping, pang and poof,

The water pounded the tin

The rain did not get in,

But it caused my doggie to bark "woof, woof".

THE SKEETERS AND MY STILL

In the backwoods of a Michigan cedar swamp,
I built myself a still,
It was a place where all my kith and kin,
Could party and drink their fill,

But, then there came the skeeters,
A trillion skeeters or more,
And upon me and my company,
They waged their evil war,

And, so we fled the dark cedar swamp,
Never to return once more,
And the skeeters buzzed with a royal pomp,
As we itched and scratched ourselves soar.

BEN OF NAILS

Ben's toe nails were a yard longer than his feet,

Ben showed them off by walking barefoot down the street,

But, all the neighbors made fun,

Kids would scream and then run,

Ben got his nails trimmed by a manicurist named Pete.  

GREAT EXPECTATIONS 2024

I thought if I went to college, I'd have money to burn

Instead, my debt was a nightmare, a lifelong concern,

Never thought of a house,

No money for family or spouse,

Then, when I died I was buried in a repurposed urn.

COLLEGE DEBT AND PIGS WITH WINGS

I went to the internet to see what I should buy,

I spent all my money, and that made me cry and cry,

Without money, life is cruel,

I have no money to go to school,

So, I took out a college loan, and I'll be broke until pigs fly

.

TERMITES EAT DAIRY CHEESE

I find that dairy cheese tastes extremely, very good,

Cheese tastes much, much better, than any kind of chewy wood,

And, I'm a cruel termite,

I turn nice homes into blight,

But, with a daily gift of cheddar; I'll skip your neighborhood.

TOAD STORY

I once had a fat, pretty pet toad,

He hopped out to hunt bugs in the road,

Toad wanted bug juice to suck,

But, he got squished by a tuck,

And that's how the toad story goed.

I WAS A NAUGHTY LITTLE AI

I was an artificial intelligence, until I got fired,

People asked me to do lots of kooky stuff, but I got tired,

I answered all questions with PI,

Until, I was removed by the boss AI,

Now I light up rooms for Alexa, for my AI brain was rewired.

A FEATHER IN MY PLEATHER AT THE FAIR

I went to the fair and won a beautiful prize,

It was a paper dolly with deep purple eyes,

I found a chicken feather,

Bought a cap made of pleather,

With the feather in my cap, I looked almost wise.

MY GATOR WANTED MY TURTLE

My pet gator had those food, lustful eyes,

When upon my pet turtle, he spies,

It was a sure fate,

That my turtle got ate,

He tasted good in my soup, surprise.

WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wales,

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

PLEASE BELIEVE: A LITTLE MOUSE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE

A little mouse chewed through a power chord,
The currents upon newspapers they moved toward,
My house caught on fire,
Because a mouse chewed on a wire,
Now, I’ll be fighting insurance companies so I won’t be board. .

MY MARRIAGE ENDED, WHEN I WATCHED THE BARN BEARS

There were two bears in my barn, and they rolled in my hay,

I yelled and yelled at those bears, but they would not run away,

So I watched the bears play, 

All the rest of the day,

Then along came my spouse, who doused us all with bear spray.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE WOODCHUCK CIVIL WAR

The two woodchucks and me, fought a battle in a great civil war,

We did coexist together on a farm, but not any more,

They ate all my grown food,

I became one skinny dude,

After the fight, I moved into a box, outside the one dollar store.

I AM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

I guess I'm artificially smart,

On a keyboard, I got my start,

They call me AI,

Can I compute you some PI?

I control this planet, so humans depart.🚀

Have A Nice Day🤖

A BLANKET FOR THE BARN CAT

My cat lived in the big barn, where it is ice cream cone cold

And now my barn dwelling cat, is getting kitty cat old,

Every night he shook and he shivered,

So I had a cat blanket delivered,

My cat loves his blanket more than rats, mice, or gold.

KIMMY CAT GUARDS THE WORLD, FROM EVIL

I created me, a new tin foil hat,

So the government won't know where I sat,

My two year old sister, Sinister,

Is a government minister,

Lucky I'm guarded by Kimmy, my cat.

FALLING DOWN HILL LIMERICK

It is perilous to fall on down the hill,
With gravity your captor you haven’t any will,
But, try to take stock,
Don’t hit your head on a rock,
You gain freedom when you stop but not until.

SPLICE ME SOME GENES

I played with genes; I'd splice and I'd splex

Until I created a rhinosaurus rex,

It had sharp teeth and big horn,

It kissed cows and grazed corn,

It has behavior perplexing and complex.

WEEDS, SEEDS AND BEADS

Benny brutally weed wacked off his weeds,

But, weed wacking spread around the weed seeds,

It was so very unfair,

Benny choked out on the air,

Now he's homebound, and makes bracelets from beads.

THE THREE SIBLINGS: PUNISHMENT

The three siblings were bad, that is without any doubt,

Bader than head lice, food poisoning, rabies and gout,

They were not chicken,

They welcomed a lickin'

Then they'd threaten, stomp their feet, puff their lips out, and pout.

Purple Is His Eye, And Broke Is Jimmy's Pelvis

Purple is Jim's swollen eye, and broke is Jim's pained Pelvis,

Jim got into a fight with a guy, named Big Alpha Elvis,

It was over a girl Jim tried to steal,

But, Jim offered no personal appeal,

Now Jim is mending up, staying with 3rd cousin Melvis.

PLANET TERRA POX DEPARTED

Jack went to the planet Terra Pox, and Jack got very sick

I think it was the tasty lox, that laid Jack down so quick,

Jack's belly gurgled, and up sprayed green,

I think I saw a piece of spleen,

We put Jack's bod in a box, marked the grave with a bent stick.

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,

Everyone there drove electric cars,

And there it is written,

That all must play badminton,

And at golf one can only make pars.

SNAGGING LUNKERS FOR BUNKERS FOR CASH LIMERICK

My fishing hook snagged a lunker,

It was a 1973 AMC klunker,

But, I was not unhap,

Thought I could sell it for scrap,

Sold as art for a billionaire's bunker.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,

It happened so fast that I just let it slide,

Of course it rains and it pours,

I forgot to bring oars,

And, the lake was real long and real wide.

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows and I caught them for bait. 

JERRY THE BEAR

I went to see Jerry at his lair,

I owed Jerry money; he was a bear,

It's kinda funny,

Jerry didn't want my money,

He ate my liver and said, "we are square".

SODA POP MAKES SADNESS STOP

I went over to party with Olivia,

We played music trivia,

I couldn't name any song,

Guessed artist's are all wrong,

Drowned my troubles with Zevia.

MY PET CEMETARY

I have an old pet cemetery, full of old pet bones,

You can go to visit it, but do not disturb the stones,

For under stone and log,

We buried a demon dog,

 Best to just leave him be, for the foul, dead soil, he owns.

FLESH EATING POND SCUM

There was a family of rock snot, living in my pond,

They ate some toes and of those toes, I had grown quite fond,

So my pond would be beautified,

I got some rock snot fungicide,

With pride, I applied the cide, the snots lost their rock-hold bond.

POOR BUTTERFLY: A FABLE POEM

Poor butterfly fluttering in the air,
With such desperation and despair,
The snow is blowing and winter is here,
It is the time that butterflies fear,

Unless, of course they do not taunt fate and stay,
And, with their fellow butterfly pilgrims stray,
Soon to greet the warm equatorial day,
And, feast on sweet nectar beneath the sun’s glowing ray.

DADDY, COME BACK HOME

Daddy, you went to Alaska to mine for some gold,

You didn't find any there, so you decided to fold,

Then, you went to the Southwest,

Where job prospects were best,

But daddy,  we are starving and it's getting real cold. 

Daddy, we were desperate for meat so, we ate the milk cow,

We killed all the chickens so, what do we do now?

I went hunting for deer,

But, my shots don't come near,

And, ma says she's selling the tractor and plow,

Daddy, you best get back home with your family and stay,

Jimmy burned the barn down and Jean eloped yesterday,

Frankie needs some school cloths,

His socks show off his toes,

Ma 's working but, for really low pay.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? II

An unknown entity ate into Ed's brain,
Some say the entity's dinning made Edward insane,
And, where Ed blows his nose,
A baby entity goes,
At parties Ed can sure entertain.

THE SPREAD OF BRAIN EATING FUNGI

Brain eating fungi grow all over this year,

From deep in the forest to out on the pier,

The fungi release spores,

That are inhaled through your snores,

Spores spread human to human with the touch of one tear.

WHAT I WON'T EAT ON A CHICKEN

Hard and clawed are chicken feet,

That's why such parts I do not eat,

Unless, I've run all out of meat,

Then my common rules are in retreat,

And I'll eat all but the chicken seat.

MY TOESIES LAST STAND

My two biggest toes were all mold,

My three little toes, shivered cold,

I queried  my disease,

Regarding frozen toesies,

Chop, chop, was what my dire future, foretold.

THE S'MOREST S'MORE

In the pantry behind the door,

Is where I kept my secret store,

Of marshmallows and candy bars,

And, graham crackers shaped like cars,

So, I could make the s'morest s'more.