FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

PAPPY THE PIG AND PINKER

I have a nice pink colored pet pig, named Pinker,

He fishes with a cane pole, bobber and sinker,

Just like his dear, old pappy,

Pinker likes to catch crappie, 

Like pappy, Pinker is a soda pop drinker.

CONTEMPLATION

My anchor, my love, 

Sleeping, peaceful dove,

Great quiet, 

Sound diet,

Relaxed low, above.

WHEN THE BEAR POUND, I GO UNDERGROUND

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back,

It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack,

The old grizzly wanted me,

To digest in his belly,

I hid in the basement, because courage I did lack.

THE HOUNDS AND THE BOOGEYMAN

I walked outside into the darkness, because I heard a loud noise,

I ran into the boogeyman, and he was playing with my toys,

He had my leaf rake and hoe,

My old red, Christmas tree bow,

I let lose on him my four hound dogs, Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe. 

INFESTATION WITH DIGNITY

I sued for peace the mean, itchy, hungry head lice,

My last offer gave to them, a real good entice,

So that I can get some sleep,

And my crap job I can keep,

They'll eat my scalp all day, at night they must be nice.

TEA WITH THE THREE BEARS

When the three bears came to visit, they were really, really nice,

They bought over some sweet tea, flavored with a cinnamon spice,

As I sipped on their tea,

The bears talked constantly,

Then they took me out to dinner; we had pork and some fried rice.

THE BIGGER THEY ARE

The bigger they are, the more they have gall,

Those wide, and heavy, and overly tall,

My arm cannot reach,

To touch them, to teach,

One slap from them, and I'm flat on the wall.

FRANK PICKS AND EATS HIS STRAWBERRIES

Frank picked little red strawberries, and put them in his bowl,

Before he set each berry down, Frank kissed them with his soul,

The berries were bitter,

Frank was not a quitter,

He thought he'd roll them in sugar, at least that was his goal.

YOU BROKE MY BACKSEAT

I have a bicycle built for two,

Of course, my backseat broke off on you,

Because you nag talk,

I'll just let you walk,

And I'll bike away, beyond your view.

A CORN IS BORN

Today my dear, pretty mama unicorn,

Had a precious, little corn baby born,

The baby corn was stuck,

From mama, I did pluck,

I pulled out the baby, by his little horn.

WILL SLEEP WHEN ONE IS DEAD

My little puppy stayed up all night with his best frog, friend Fred,

I told them to sleep; puppy said that he'd sleep when he was dead,

Next day, puppy was very tired,

I gave him sugar; he got wired,

Puppy ran around in circles, and fell sleepy, into bed.

FRUIT FLIES

In my home, the fruit flies found caves where they could sleep,

The caves were my nostrils, I blew out a huge heap,

The fruit flies flew away,

 Until later that day,

I found fruit flies in my eye ducts, and I did weep.

HUMANS TAUGHT THE SQUIRRELS A BAD HABBIT

Serious squirrels love their found, big cigarette butts,

Squirrels store found butts away, as if they were nuts,

In winter it snows and blows,

Nicotine bests such bad woes,

Squirrels learned this from the humans; they live in huts.

STINKY LITTLE BROTHER CAME CLEAN

There was a clean scented squirrel named Amy,

She had a little brother that smelled gamey,

She had the super power,

Shoved him into the shower,

Now both sibling squirrels smell the samey.

FAT + DIET DRINK = FAT JOKE

It had become extremely, full sunny,

And my strawberry jam, became runny,

I put nuts in the stew,

Stirred the caloric brew,

Adding cocoa Slimfast, to be funny.

LOVE AND NO TOILET

Because there was a pretty girl he wanted to woo,

Donny moved abruptly to a town called Kalamazoo,

He forgot his goldfish,

His tan cat he called Trish,

And the new apartment he rented had no place to poo. 

BEAVER HICKORY

There was a busy beaver that chewed on my hickory,

He chewed right through the hard, hardwood, then downward fell my  tree,

It fell upon my crops,

Damaged my turnip tops,

*The beaver cut my big tree up, then hauled it out to sea.

*Version 2

The tree is too heavy to move...it rots out in the leigh. 

OUR ROCKETS WERE TOO BIG TO FLY INTO OUTER SPACE

We tried to launch gigantic rockets, but they all went downward bound,

We couldn't break the curse called gravity, so our rockets kissed the ground,

We could not figure out why?

Gravity wouldn't let us fly,

Then one rocket fell upon us, and that Boom! was our last heard sound.

CONTAMINATED GROCERIES, NOW MY CLOTHES MIGHT FIT

Bugs have laid eggs in my food, because my windows have no screens,

That is why I have those maggots, swimming in my pork and beans,

There is a fuzzy worm,

He's chewing my wheat germ,

Maybe I should just diet, at least I'll fit my skinny jeans.

MY QUEST FOR A NEW HOME WORLD

Mars, the dead red planet, is real dusty,

It makes my white spaceship, look all rusty,

Mars is far and away,

A place I will not stay,

I'm off to a world that's ice crusty.

STUCK ONCE BY TWO HORNS HURTS, STUCK TWICE BY TWO HORNS, MEANS GOODBYE

I came upon a Minotaur, and he gored me with his horns,

I had just been food shopping, so I dropped all my cans of corns,

I dropped my butter,

Started to stutter,

The meanie gored me again, now the limerick world mourns.

SALT AND CHEESE CRACKER

I love saltine crackers, because they taste good,

Everybody eats them, in my neighborhood,

I eat them with salt and cheese,

Peppered crackers make me sneeze,

Eating stale crackers is wrong, it's understood.

MY ELECTION SURPRISE

I am losing my election, and I'm guessing I must cheat,

Nobody likes me, after I gave out some free, pickled meat,

My manager, Little Tony,

Handed out hunks of bologna,

The bologna was spoiled; people puked; now I smell defeat.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

JIMMY AND HIS BETTER ANGLES

Jimmy picked up many earthworms and put them in glass jars,

He took out the dead ones, and fed them to his kitty, Lars,

He saved his better angles,

For trophy fish entangles,

Sometimes Jimmy caught northern pike, but often he caught gars.

RED NECK LAWN ORNAMENT

Fast forward my little truck, will never, ever go,

The engine won't turnover, and that's pretty, darn slow,

I took it to repair,

That ended in despair,

The car's rusting in my yard, and around it I Mow.

DONNY BED ROTTER

Big, bad Donny was bed rotting for days and days,

He only left bed to do potty or to graze,

Donny drank soda sip, sip, sip,

Then on the potty, he would rip,

Donny sucked down tater chips; one of his strange ways.

SOMEONE GOT IN A SCRAPE AT THE BAR

I went to the to The Two Bird Bar,

Somebody keyed my new sporty car,

When I came outside,

I cried and I cried,

The mean patrons went hardy, har, har.

A MEANINGLESS, WHIMSICAL PHILOSOPHY

The universe appears eternal, from dawn, to dawn, to dawn, to dawn,

But, when the universe disappears, its life will be a tiny yawn,

So head to mars,

Maybe, the stars,

Eat expensive seafood, like lobster, oysters, crabs, octopus and prawn. 

MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,

Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,

At the kitty store,

I bought my cat, Thor,

Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.

MAKING STEW ON A BUDGET

I just got home, and I put on water for stew,

I put on some coffee, and I'm making that new,

I do not have any meat,

Or vegetables to eat,

My stew will have road salt, and some black pepper too

.

UPPER BUNK, LOWER BUNK: A SUMMER CAMP STORY

At summer camp, little Timmy, completely wet his bed,

Urine dripped down upon his lower bunk mate, big bad Ned,

Ned got an unwanted surprise,

As pee drained into his shut eyes,

Embarrassed Timmy called his mom, then homeward he did head.

AS THE CARS GO BY

I got peppered sprayed, directly in my pretty eye,

I was taken to the jail, and no one told me why,

Not so much to eat,

Mouse turds are a treat,

By day I clear brush near highways, as the cars go by.

HUMAN BEANS

They said I should act more like a human bean,

I thought that comment was very crass and mean,

At any party,

Beans make one farty,

Then future party invites, are never seen.

MOSQUITOS BE WARNED

Because my house had loads of mice and rats,

I decided to get myself some cats,

They ate the mice today,

Frightened the rats away,

To deal with mosquitos, I'm getting bats.

A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING

Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,

It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,

Donny didn't get bites that day,

He paddled down to the bay,

He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.

THE NO HOME CODE

As I turned my old pickup down my home-sweet-home road,

Noticed a contractor was tearing down my abode,

I phone called a cop,

Said please make them stop,

He said no, because I violated building code.

FISH, SPLAT AND STICHES

There was a small, skinny carp that lived in my front yard ditch,

He swam around in the muck all day, and I named him Mitch,

I saw kids with a ball bat,

They pitched poor Mitch, Mitch went splat,

I tried to revive my Mitch, but he never gave one twitch.  

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute goldfishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your rootbeer chug-a-lugs. 

THE SKINLESS IMPORTER OF TIN

I think my million dollar ship has come in,

It is full of foreign, imported, sheet tin,

I use to import lab mice,

But they gave me bad lice,

I itched so bad, soon I scratched off all my skin.

HEATWAVE CATASTROPHE

During summer heat, my air conditioner died,

It ran so very long, it caught fire and fried,

I thought it would be nice,

If I made frozen ice,

Then my freezer broke right down, and I cried and cried.

WHY I HIT MYSELF SO HARD, MY BRAIN AIN'T RIGHT.

In the latest, late of dark night,

From an earwig, I got a bite,

The evil dear,

Was in my ear,

I slapped my ear, with all my might.

ATTACK OF THE GARDEN PESTS

My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs,

My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs, 

My pickles in the weeds,

The birds picked clean of seeds,

And the mice that nibbled my string beans, are common thugs.

THE MAGIC SUPRISE RAT

Today, I had been feeling sort of low,

So I went to a downtown, magic show,

Out of a top hat,

Was pulled a big rat,

The rat shouted out that his name was Moe.

I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE

I hit a baseball with a ball bat,

The ball flew into space like a sat,

For a minute that night,

I watched my satellite,

It burned up in the sky, that was that.

SQUIRREL FOOD

I shot a squirrel that was up in a tree,

I will eat squirrel meat, when I have my tea,

You know what's what's,

I found his nuts,

I will chew on his nuts, when I watch tv. 

MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK

I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping, 

Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,

In the dark tent, my body, I lay,

Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,

Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.

3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION

Jim wished that he could consume some beef

Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,

Holy Mola, 

Beef and cola,

And constipation pills for relief.

BETTER TO HAVE BUG TURDS THAN SLIME

I found a grotesque, giant, slimy slug,

Crawling across my nice clean, new, white rug,

I think it a bad crime,

For a slug to spread slime,

Far nastier than a turd spreading bug.

THE HOT TUB CLUB

I like going to the health club; the hot tub is for me,

I have often wondered, if in the hot tub people pee,

I asked my friend, the chemistry teach,

She said no problems, the club adds bleach,

And the water is changed when the water looks like tea.

THE SURVIVOR

I am a sea captain, and I sailed on the sea,

My darn ship hit a rock, and sank down, beneath me,

That left me in the water,

I swam like a sea otter,

All passengers and crew drowned, I survived, lucky.

I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,

I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.

I know my blogs might give readers scares,

I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,

I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.

WHAT I DID WITHOUT GRANNY

I danced through a canyon, toward a little city,

That is where I stopped, where I decided to be,

I had a cafe made lunch,

Two fruit biscuits and a punch,

I then hurried on home, to get granny her tea.

THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS

I cannot sing one single, real high note,

That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,

My voice is just too horse,

High notes hurt, of course,

So, I play cello, on those notes I float.

HOWLING, NO GOODS

I made paths through an acre of woods,

So I could stroll with friends from my hoods,

But, no one came near,

Because they said they could hear,

A howling, and that was not goods.

LEGS: ACCIDENT OR CRIME

This morning for breakfast, I was served toast, bacon and eggs,

I noticed in my eggs two sets of tiny chicken legs,

The sight made me so very ill,

I had to take a heartburn pill,

Was this leg scandal purposeful, is what the question begs?

JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES IS A FAMILY MAN

The famous Jimmy Thirty-five Toes, had a baby girl,

The kid had thirty seven toes, and her hair was all curl,

She had a mom with three legs,

A little brother that laid eggs,

She had such nice bright and shinny teeth, momma named her Pearl.

MY SAVIOR IN A BOTTLE

My little airplane took a nosedive,

I thought soon, I would not be alive,

Then right below me, did appear,

A truck full of new, bottled beer,

The splashing beer gave me a revive.

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MY BEES FREEZE LIMERICK

I had some cute, pet honey bees,

They lived up in my apple trees,

No one really knows,

How my bees got froze,

They were found kneeling on their knees.