THE SIMPLE CHEF

I have made a peanut butter post,

Taught people how to spread it on toast,

Next post, it's my fruit jelly,

It's both chewy and smelly,

PBJ on toast, bests a beef roast.

21324

YUM! YUM! YUM! STICKY, GREASY PORK RINDS

My pork rinds were not so greasy or sweet,

So, I fried them with grease and brown sugar for my treat,

Now, I have to confess,

They were a sticky, greasy mess,

But boy they were so good to eat.

BAD MEAT SUBSTITUTE DUMPED INTO A STEW

My plant based protein tasted like glue,

I shouldn't have bought it, but who knew?

I fried it in a pan,

It turned brown from tan,

I mixed it with veggies, now I call it a stew.

FRUITCAKE, BERRIES AND CREAM

I made a fruitcake, adding berries and cream,

It tasted real good, like a taste from a dream,

I should have added jelly,

For the sweet tooth in my belly,

When I finished the fruitcake, I made  noodles with steam.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

RAW PORK AND ANGELS

I was so very hungry, the noodles tasted real yummy,

They were not at all done, so they were sitting in my tummy,

Then my pig was so raw,

To eat it I done gnaw, gnaw, gnaw,

Now I'm in the hospital, prognosis: they called my mummy.

MY BUCKET LACKS A HOLE

My chives have done poorly, because their bucket has no hole,

They just sit rotting in water, I'm afraid they have lost their soul,

Should've made sure the bucket had a drain,

Would've saved my chives from death and pain,

Now having chives for dinner is an unachievable goal.

WHAT'S IN THE STEW TOO

Me thinks my stew meat was foreign born,
From overhead flypaper the wind doth torn,
But, the stew isn't for me,
So, I'll just leave it be,
And, say the stew meat is really burnt corn.

TOASTED TURKEY TO GO

I tried to use my toaster,

I should of used my roaster,

The turkey didn't fit,

So I had to quit,

As a chef I won't be a boaster. 

FULL DIAPERS COOKED IN A CAR, AND BREAKFAST

My pancakes smell like fungi feet,

So no one would give them an eat,

My eggs, no one would chance,

Because of a smell circumstance,

Like diapers, cooked on a carseat.

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,

He was the greatest chef around,

He made his meals all from scratch,

Then fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,

 To show off some cooking feats,

For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,

With pickled marinated beets,

 

Bobby cooked a turkey,

Until it's skin was golden brown,

Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,

It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,

He added cheddar cheese,

He also added ground black pepper,

This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,

He added carob seed,

Hemixed in all the greens he found,

But mostly it was weed.

WE FRY GREENS

I went and picked a bunch of greens,

I fried them crisp with grease and beans,

My family's fat,

My dog and cat,

We eat well, and will never be leans.

MY HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN SPICE CAKE

The only way I'll make a cake,🍩

Is if it's fried; I never bake.💥

I'll include a pinch of pumpkin spice,🎃

It's Halloween, it will taste nice,👻💩

Then, I'll serve it with fried eggs and stake.🐔🐮

WRONG BAKED BREAD

I baked some bread, but baked it wrong,

You cannot break it unless, you are Kong,

I wanted the bread to harden fast,

So, I used cement from yard projects past,

The bread could be a perch for a bird with a song. 

SQUASH BLOSSOM DINNER

I fried me some squash blossoms in my old frying pan,

Then I fried me some baked beans, I cut out of a can,

Although it all smelled like carpet-feet,

It was a real tasty treat,

Then I rested by my big, old box fan.

BREAKFAST POST ROAST URINE

I went to do an internet post,

While in thought I burned my toast,

It was my last slice of bread,

That was not stale, moldy dead,

My coffee tastes like a urinal roast.

PORRIDGE, KIDNEY, SPLEEN

My cash reserves were pretty lean,

My bank account was empty, clean,

I took cornmeal and made some porridge, 

The cornmeal came from long term storage,

And it was so contaminated, I lost a kidney and a spleen.

THE BALLAD OF HAPPY PARKER, MAN OF THE SOUTH

Parker liked eating possum,

He baked it in his pie,

Parker liked his possum sandwiches,

On whole wheat bread, never rye,

Parker had the hiccups,

Parker had the farts,

Parker couldn't play baseball,

But was really good at darts,

Parker had a brother,

He smelled like fishy-trout,

Parker threw him in the river,

The gators ate his belly out,

Parker had six daughters,

Parker had an apple tree,

His daughters made apple wine for him,

So Parker was happy.

TURKEY DAY FISH FILLET

My oven would not start and my turkey fryer had no gas,

I feared that for dinner, on turkey I had to pass,

So, things looked really dire,

Until, I remembered the cloths dryer

Turkey came out funky flavored, so I fried some fresh caught bass.

BEET THE WORMS

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets,

When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats,

But, when I washed off the clay,

I felt such dismay,

The roots were worm homes and worm eats.