THE TATTOO

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue,

I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo,

Its in the middle of my forehead,

And, I gave it a human name, Fred,

I showed the kids, and they started laughing, I cried, boohoo.

I CRUNCH PASTA

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch,

I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch,

I use to have a few more teeth,

Until that fight with cousin Keith,

All I have left are a few back teeth, because Keith knows how to punch.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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FAILED GARDENER, FAMILY REJECT

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead,

Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head,

Where did the spring and summer go?

Did something change in my time flow?

I fear my family will leave me; I've no food to keep them fed.

NO JOB, NO FOOD, BUT I CAN NAP

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued,

I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food,

There was no food today,

I walked down to the bay,

I took a long nap to get me into a more positive mood.

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

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I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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MY HOLIDAY ECONOMIC COLLASPE

I cannot afford Halloween candy,

I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy,

Thanksgiving?  I won't eat,

Can't afford bread or meat,

My economy, it's sure a dandy.

MY TOOTHBRUSH JUST BECAME SELF-AWARE

I guess my toothbrush has just become self-aware,

An electric shock gave me a cardiac scare,

I reached for the plug,

Gave the chord a tug,

When I use my shaver, I'm going to beware.

TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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I CHANGED NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER HALLOWEEN

I went out trick-or-treating, to the big homes of the rich in my hood,

I figured that because they were rich, they would give me something real good,

But, their doors all stayed closed,

The police came, I was hosed,

I was called a thief, got 6-7 years; my intent was misunderstood.

HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

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MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

I had a little spaceship,

But, It did not travel far,

It launched sideways thirty feet,

And, was run over by a car,

My space travels were never great,

I never made it to distant stars,

My trek across this universe,

Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

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THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores, ice cream bars.

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RED ROOSTER RIDING WITH SPIKE

There was a nice, young lady, who rode a red bike,

She had a pretty red rooster; she called him Spike,

Spike rode the bike handlebars, 

While crowing at reddish cars,

Spike never saw a red car that he didn't dislike.

LICK THE CHALKBOARD NICE AND CLEAN

People have no meat and people have no gruel,

Kids lick chalk off the blackboard, for lunch at school,

This is a real poor town,

Unless, you wear the crown,

You live in a mansion with an indoor pool.

I DRANK CHAMOMILE TEA AND GOT A BELLY ACHE

I was fluttering around like a dizzy, busy bee,

Then I fell into a glass cup of hot chamomile tea,

I started to cook and drown,

But, as I was sinking down,

Two fingers pinched and pulled me out, then squished the guts from me.

THE FATHER OF ALL PUMPKINS

The Father of All Pumpkins

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

The father of all pumpkins came into my store,

And said my pumpkin selection was awfully poor,

He said he didn't want to be mean,

But it was Halloween,

And the little witches and goblins want more.

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SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

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INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

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THE TURTLE AND MY ORAL HYGIENE

I have a pet snapping turtle, named Miss Jeanie Cross,

If I don't feed her enough potatoes, Jean goes boss,

She bosses me out the door,

Jean bosses me in the store,

Jean goes ballistic on me, when I brush and don't floss.

A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING

Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,

It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,

Donny didn't get bites that day,

He paddled down to the bay,

He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.

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MELVIN MARTIN: THE PIG THONG SONG

Every single First of May,
It's Melvin Martins Day,
Melvin Martin was a pig,
That pulled Santa in his sleigh.

Melvin Martin was a silly song,
It was sang on May 1st all day long,
Martin was a silly pig,
He ate too much and got too big,
So, he burst apart his tiny thong.

If you think of Melvin Martin in a thong,
Such thoughts will bother you just all day long,
He only wore such a thing to play ping pong,
Melvin Martin in a thong is really wrong.

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WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal, then they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

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BAD ALPHA MONKEY

I have a pet alpha monkey, and he ate all my bread,

He ate all my food proteins too, so soon I will be dead,

Alpha monkey can almost fly, 

Chasing tree squirrels, in the sky,

I hope alpha boa swallows old, alpha monkey's head.

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

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MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK

I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping, 

Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,

In the dark tent, my body, I lay,

Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,

Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.

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THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

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DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

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HALLOWEEN HAIKU

Tricks, treats, nature change,

Candy, costumes, leaf bare trees,

Party, summer's wake.

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OBVIOUS CHOICE: CANDY BARS OR ELECTRIC CARS

I'm shooting a world killing missile to Mars,

To blast it into one trillion, sweet candy bars,

With tasty bars to eat,

I'll quit overpriced meat,

I may make the guy mad, who sells battery cars.

I'VE BEEN BANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,

Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,

So, for such political wars,

My enemies have evened scores,

So, I'll go on to live on the rough.

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MY PARALLEL UNIVERSE

I close my eyes then I travel, into a nice, parallel universe,

Where people are really kind to me, and don't add to my name, a mean curse,

People gesture me a smile, then say "hi",

They are happy to see me, their reason why,

I wake, feeling a punch from a bully, and I then have to see a nurse.

VOLTAIRE THE GOAT

Voltaire was a goat placed into my care,
From the cloths line he ate the kings underwear,
No undies meant the king got cold,
He got angry, so I was told,
The late king tried to butt heads with Voltaire.

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THE WARM FEELING OF MYSTERY MEAT

I go down to the Butcher's and buy "mystery meat",

They won't tell me what it is, but its real cheap to eat,

You can taste the hot pepper spice,

Burns tongue and belly, so burns twice,

It's high in calories, warming nose and hands and feet. 

THE FIT IN (2026)

I am sociopathic, and it inspires me to both dance and sing,

When I hear of tragedy for others, I hear the bells of joy, Ding,Ding!

It is very popular and cool,

To bask in this world of cruel,

Especially, when great cruelty brings, a treasure chest of coin and bling.

I LOST MY BROS WHILE RAFTING, OH WELL

My bros and I went rafting down the river, and we hit a great, big rock,

I was very surprised, but my mates were all thrown overboard, by the shock,

My mates they could not find,

I hate to sound unkind,

I kept my head; I went home for supper, and watched the news at 6 o'clock.

WITCHES MAKE ME ITCHY

I went into the woods and ran into three witches,

I said I couldn't stop and chat because my back really itches,

Then, they told me "what's worse?

Is your new itchy curse,"

So, I scratched so bad I got stitches. 

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TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But instead, he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.

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BRYAN THE MEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Bryan has an old Halloween soul,

He lives in a furnace with hot coal,

When it becomes Halloween,

Bryan goes out to be seen,

Scaring trick-or-treaters, his mean goal.

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JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES DOES HALLOWEEN

Jimmy Thirty-five toes does not dress up for Halloween,

Jimmy goes barefoot, so his many toesies can be seen,

Jimmy definitely knows,

As his story grows and grows,

Jimmy will get more candy; the amount will be obscene.

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THERE WAS A RABBIT NAMED RANDY

There was a rabbit named Randy,
He only ate Halloween candy,
He got really big,
Now he oinks like a pig,
And drowns his sorrows with brandy.

There was a rabbit named Randy,
His fur was salty and sandy,
He gained lots of weight,
So, he couldn't get a date,
It's a good thing that Randy is handy.

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HARVEST MOON OF THE CRITTERS AND WITCHES

We had wicked lizards and crazed witches, dancing, when the harvest, got mooned,

It's the year end event, when the fall colors,  the forest fairies festooned,

For us critters, here is the thing, 

We dead sleep, until the warm spring,

We will regenerate in our caves, in our holes, and in our wraps, cocooned.

I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed and one that's the same from my start,

So with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain if I were smart.

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THE SOUNDS AND SMELLS OF MY FANCY CANARY

My fancy canary bird did not go chirp,

All the feather duster did was fart and burp,

Some say he was smart,

Learning how to fart,

My cat ate the bird; I won't punish the perp.

I WALKED 6-7 MILES TO SEE MY COUSIN AND AUNT CORA

I walked 6-7 miles to visit with my dear, Aunt Cora,

She slapped some stakes upon the grill for me and her cute daughter, Dora,

Our picnic on the deck,

Became a rainy wreck,

6-7 hours passed, then the rain quit watering the flora.

6-7 TIMES A DAY, I ANTI-WISH FOR WINTER, AND PRO-WISH FOR MAY

It was the big dilly, the dilly part of my dilly day,

Been dream wishing in late October, I could wakeup in May,

I am The Great Vegan,

I hale from Muskegon,

I wish all Michigan winters, would head far north of my way.

SPRING SOL AND THE BUG EGG KEEPER

Bugs have entered my long beard, and their winter eggs, they have laid,

The bugs know their eggs are safe, until Spring Sol contact is made,

I am the Bug Egg Keeper,

A super hero sleeper,

I guard the eggs with my life; don't expect to ever be paid.

FALL CORN ROAST WITH MEATS

We rurals  are celebrating the fall, by a mass roasting of corn,

Some want a pig, but I've been hungry for veal, since that new calf was born,

We roasted both farm creatures,

Allowed two main course features,

With ears of corn and two meats, every paper plate, was well adorned.

FAILED AUTHOR UNLOADS FOR 6-7 YEARS

I once wrote a romantic, gothic novel; it never saw the light of day,

I sent it to a publisher, he shredded my work, and sent it back, my way,

My weak heart was so broke,

My pillow got a soak,

I got a job in retail unloading trucks, for 6-7 years, I'd say..

IT WAS 6-7 DAYS

It took me a total of 6-7 days,

To find a local job, that in real money, pays,

Down at the local sand beach,

I'm now called, "volleyball teach",

I get paid in fast cash, plus I soak up sun rays.

TILLY, THE ACTION-ADVENTURE DOG

Late, last night, I saw Old Tilly, Old Tilly, the hopping hound dog,

He still looks green from last year, when he ate that poisonous frog,

The dogs wretched, dire fate,

Caused by a dare from his date,

Old Tilly spends his time chewing flies, while he sits on a frog, log.

HOPPING POPPING BITES AND ITCHES

 The flea and tick infestations are really bad, this gear,

My significant other is covered from toe to ear,

The little eggs keep popping,

The parasites keep hopping,

I make my significant other, sleep out in their chair.

 

I WAS FIRED, AND MY WIFE LEFT WITH MY STUFF

I use to have a job that pays, but I don't have one anymore,

I use to work half a day, cleaning both the toilets at a store,

I am disappointed, I feel sad,

It was the best job I ever had,

Then my wife singled me, took the furniture, but left me the floor.

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MY STREET APARTMENT IS GONE

The crickets are still chirping, but the air has turned coughing cold,

I'd take me an apartment, but those affordable are sold,

I set up a tent,

While at work, it went,

A garbage truck took it far away, that is what I was told.

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MY FRIEND THE IMPALER, IS KEPT BY A JAILER

I knew this guy, The Impaler, he collected dead bugs,

He got jollies impaling them, because he lacked mommy hugs,

One day he went to jail,

Because his  boyfriend, he tried to impale,

Now he does serious time, weaving baskets and entry rugs.

COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK II

Jimmy thought education was king, 
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.

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