WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal then, they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

THE MARSHMALLOW ELVES

Two marshmallows froze while polishing Santa's sleigh,

Santa warned them not to do it, but the marshmallows did it anyway,

To warm the marshmallows up quick,

Santa stuck them on a stick,

And, Santa had s'mores to snack on that day.

SANTA LEFT TIM NO SURPRISE

Santa Claus left Tim no surprise,
Because Tim makes up stuff, then tells big lies,
Maybe Tim will now learn,
Lies are Santa's concern,
And, presents are for truth-telling guys (and gals).

THE SANTA CLAUS FUND, UNFUNDED

Santa laid off all his elves, because he had no money for their pay,

He sold his reindeer to a petting zoo, a butcher shop, some will say,

Santa invested in subprime loans,

His partners will not answer their phones,

Mrs. Claus moved in with a perch fisherman, lives down by Saginaw Bay.

THE ELF HUNTED MONSTER, BECAUSE HE ADMIRES THE HORNS

The minor monster made a slight moan as he mourns,

For an elf cut off the monster's favorite horns,

The elf had done bad,

But horns made him glad,

The main wall in his cottage, the horns will adorn.

I WENT LOOKING FOR SANTA

I went out West to visit Santa,

But, Santa was not there,

I went back East to visit Santa,

I couldn't find a Santa hair,

I went down South to visit Santa,

"No Santa down here," I was told,

I did not go up North to visit Santa,

Because up there it's just too cold.  

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

THE SQUATTING THIEF

I heard giggles and I knew it weren't me,

It was the top cupboard; I climbed up there to see,

To my despair,

There was an elf living there,

Eating my chips and slurping my tea.

MY PARAKEET LOVES ELVES

My parakeet ate six little elves,

She cornered them on the book shelves,

She said, "they taste very, very good",

As she crunched a head wearing a hood,

" Instead of six, I wish I had Twelve."

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.

SICK REINDEER AND DICK THE MOOSE

The little reindeer could not make the trip,

Flying in front of Santa's! ship,

The little reindeer called in sick,

Replaced by a moose named Dick,

While the reindeer gave tea the sip.

PATTY THE CHRISTMAS WEREWOLF?

Patty was a werewolf,
She hunted night and day,
But, every year on Christmas Eve,
She guarded Santa’s sleigh,

When Patty snarled and barred her fangs,
She frightened away each highwayman,
And poachers kept quiet with their bangs,
Less they be bitten on the can,

Now reindeer meat is tender and sweet,
Its scent will make a werewolf drool,
So Patty bit one on the seat,
Santa thought that was just not cool,

Now Patty said she made a mistake,
And begged to keep her position,
Her family’s home they would forsake,
Her puppies would suffer malnutrition,

Now Santa always did what was good,
As an employer he was admired quite well,
Patty kept her job just as she should,
But, she had to plug her nose so she couldn’t smell.



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MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM THREE AND EPIC EPILOGUE

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Was born on Guy Fawkes Day,
It's a holiday no one cares about,
Like the one the first of May,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull old Santa's sleigh,
But, every time he tried her out,
It ended ugly in some way,

So, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Started a business pulling sleds,
She started by delivering children's toys,
But, made her money delivering meds,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Is a billionaire many say,
She lives in Honolulu,
And, told Santa to stick his sleigh.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull Santa's sleigh,
So, she hooked herself up in the sleigh gear,
Thinking she'd soon be on her way,

But, Santa told her she couldn't go,
And Marcie asked him why,
Santa said there ain't no show,
Since it's the middle of July.

 

DON'T BOTHER WITH THE SANTA GIFT HELPLINE

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain!

Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain,

But, they were so terribly bold,

They put me on permanent hold,

Hammering "Jingle Bells" deep into my brain.  

SANTA HAS BAD HABBITS

Santa ate too many herbal cookies,

Santa drank too much ice beer,

Santa went to jail, 

That's why Santa isn't here.

Santa has some reindeer,

Santa feeds his reindeer grass,

All day they just play video games,

While sitting on their mass.

IT'S THE TIME OF THE YEAR...

It's the time of the year when Santa goes "Ho,Ho",
It's also the time when my snow-blower won't blow,
I'm stuck in the house,
With the kids, dog and, spouse,
I'm just hoping that Santa will show.

SANTA WENT OUT ON THIN ICE

Santa went out on the ice on the bay,
Chasing a reindeer that had just run away,
But, the ice wasn't good,
Where the heavy elf stood,
He said "Ho, Ho," as he went under that day.

I NEED SANTA TO TAKE ME DOWN SOUTH

I'm sitting in the house during a winter storm,
My heats been shut off so I'm not keeping warm,
Oh, Santa bring your sleigh,
And take me far away,
Take me far south where the temperatures are norm.