PORCH PIRATES COME CREEPING

My neighbors are porch pirates, who wait until I'm sleeping,

Then up to my door, they come a creeping,

And when I confront an offender,

They don't surrender,

They just tell me my package, they're keeping.

I HUNT THE HIGHWAYS

I stuck my dutch oven over the blazing campfire,

For I had found some fresh roadkill, still stuck to my tire,

No guess as to which varmint,

But my tire did harm it,

I just cannot waste meat, when food stores are so dire.

THE CURSE OF THE TOADSTOOL

My foot stepped upon a toadstool, now I feel like a toad,

I have this inclination, to sun myself out in the road,

First I'll eat a couple bugs,

I'll juice them out with tongue hugs,

I'm trying to walk upright, but my legs are just too bowed.

THE STINGING BEES

Stinging bees have such perfect bloodhound powers,

They can find you, even if you take showers,

For all the rest of the day,

I'll be in my tent with a spray,

It's a scent masking spray, that smells like flowers.

WOLVES IN THE WOODS LOVE HOTDOGS IN THE HOODS

It was the 4th Of July and the wolves in the woods,

Were eating all campers, wearing red ridding hoods,

They smelled like hotdogs some say,

Of the campers, tagged for prey,

Seems like red hoods, taste like hotdog roasted goods.

DON'T PLAY WITH FIREWORKS AND SPARKLERS

Authorities won't let me have fireworks, because last year I burned down a house,

This year I can only have sparklers, when supervised by the spouse,

But the sparklers burned my fingers,

The smell of burnt flesh, still lingers,

Playing with fires is so dangerous, I should have had a tanker of water for a douse.

THE COOKIE SQUIRREL AND THE NUMBERS GAL

My sister was always working her trig,

While I ate Newtons made out of fig,

I called her a bright girl,

She called me a squirrel,

She got a great job, while I only got big.

UNCLE DALE'S TOE NAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

THE HARD ROLL AND THE CHAW

I bit down on a rig in my roll,

Turned out it was anthracite coal,

It broke the teeth in my jaw,

Now I can't chew chaw,

That roll took a life changing toll.

I CHURNED THROUGH SPACE AND TIME; NOW I'M IN JAIL, AGAIN

I went churning through space and time,

To find me the best limerick rhyme,

Didn't know why they'd care,

But police were everywhere,

Seems space-time churning is considered a crime.

JIMMY SMILED SO SLY, ON THE 4TH OF JULY

Jimmy had cracker explosions for the 4th Of July,

He ate olive  bologna with sauerkraut on rye,

So with each sky boom, boom,

Jimmy let off a toxic perfume,

Then at the folks all around, he smiled, so sly.

I TOOK A PASS AT EATING SWEET GRASS

Someone gave me some green grass to eat,

Couldn't eat it, because it was too sweet,

So I cast it on the fire,

Then things became real dire,

Both of my hands became rabbit feet.

BATTERY EXPIRATION DATES, AND MY NEW ELECTRIC CAR

I decided to build my own electric car, brand new

To make it light, I used tin foil for the bod, light blue,

The batteries for my car,

Came from pop's portable VCR,

They didn't work, because they expired in '92.

SAD AWAKENING

I awoke with my nose holes all full of thick slag,

My tears turned my pillow into a soggy tea bag,

I had cried all through my sleep,

For I had just wrecked my new jeep,

And my insurance, I have sadly let lag.

YOU CAN TRAVEL ACROSS OUTER SPACE, AND STILL FIND SAND IN YOUR SHORTS

I blasted upward in my spaceship to visit off-planet land,

However, everywhere I went I found nothing, but deep sand,

Then far out among the stars,

Was a planet sim to ours,

With stone mountains and water valleys, called "grand".

LAKE WOEBE WAS GONE

I went to Lake Woebe and found the lake was gone,

There was not any water, or cabins with green lawn,

There were fish stuck in the mud,

So my trip was not a dud,

The fish were stuck really good; to remove them took brawn. 

TAP WATER TURNED ME INTO SNAKE FOOD

Last night I drank some tap water, now this morning I'm a frog,

I then went outside and hopped around, undercover of the fog,

I hopped down to the lake,

I was eaten by a snake,

Soon the snake was all chewed up, by the next door neighbor's dog.

MY COOKIES ARE SO CRUMMY

I made a batch of cookies, and they turned out way too small,

Someone told me they were cookie crumbs, and weren't cookies at all,

From my eyes I shed big tears,

I had no cookies for my dears,

So I went down and bought filled doughnuts at the all night mall.

AFTER PRIDE MY GOLDFISH LIED🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

I'm having an autopsy on my goldfish to see why he died,😭

Yesterday, I took him from his bowel with me to have fun at Pride,🌈

He seemed happy flip-flopping,💃🕺👯

To the music he was hopping,🎶🎵🎶 

When I looked this morning at his bowl, on the bottom, he lied.💔

HOW I BECAME A ONE MAN BAND

I went out back of the high school to march with the dress band,

I was the only one there, save for the bear eating a hand,

I forgot my bear mace,

So I froze in place,

When the bear turned away, I raned. 

TIN FOIL HAT PEOPLE NEED HELP

I ran out of tin foil, now the state owns my brain,

With no shinny tin hat, I'm completely insane,

To remember what's true,

On my tongue I must chew,

To keep my mind clear, I must suffer great pain.

Warning:  Don't try this at home. It hurts.

I COUNT ON MY FINGERS AND TOES

I do all math using my fingers and toes,

So twenty is the biggest number I knows,

But the landlord wants more,

Than just one single score,

On the street is where I find myself throws.

THE BIG ALPHA MALE

There was a great fish; a big alpha male,

He ate the other fish, from head to tail,

His body got stronger,

Wider and longer,

He choked to death trying to swallow a snail.

THE CHICK OF WIC

I went down to The Chicken Freak to get me some dip and chicken,

I caught them preparing their secret dip, that included a spell of Wiccan,

I bought some dip and chicken, anyways,

Food's good, no matter which god they prays,

I only wish I'd bought more, so the meal was not slim pickin'. 

BIGFOOTS STICK TOGETHER IN THE MOLASSES INDUSTRY

I went to Michigan to sell homemade molasses,

But everyone who looked at it, gave my molasses, passes

My molasses did not sell,

The stress was making my feet swell,

Then I sold my entire stock to a Bigfoot who wore glasses.

RUPERT THE TOE WITH A GLOW

There was a little Rupert, and he was completely made of toe,

And everywhere that Rupert went, the foot felt it had to go,

Rupert was the big toe on the foot,

He had a seed wart with a root,

He kept his toe nail painted, with gold polish that would glow.

RAINBOWS, CLOWNS AND SODA BURPS

A rainbow got real close to the ground,

It's vibration made a humming sound,

The humming made my mind go clown,,

 I quickly drank my soda down,

Drinking soda causes burps, I found.

THE NUT HOARDER

There once was this squirrel, his name was Russel,

He worked really hard, that squirrel could hustle,

He hoarded nuts in nut season,

Building wealth was his reason,

But he lost his nuts to a bear in a tussle.

SPIDERMAN RING, DOESN'T BRING ZING.

I went to parties and brought to them zing,

Because I wore lots of solid gold bling,

But all my gold got stole,

From my bedroom bling bowl,

All they left was my plastic Spidie ring.

FRIDAY NIGHT: SHOES, CHAINSAWS AND BEER

Some shoes bend left, some shoes bend right,

Shoes hurt like a chainsaw, if too tight,

My toes come in twos,

To fit left-right shoes,

Shoes take me out for beer and a bite. 

MY UNIVERSE IS MADE UP OF STRINGS

My entire universe consists of strings,

I put strings on fiddles and banjos and things,

I run string for cloths lines,

I string tie-up grape vines,

I even string gold, and make jewelry that blings.

MY DECOMPOSING POEM

When I was laying deep down in the ground,

Many thousands of earthworms came around,

Then the maggots hatched out,

They squirmed all about,

Soon not a trace of me was left to be found.

VONNY FISH WITH BONNETS ON PUMPERNICKEL BREAD

I caught buckets full of Vonny fish, with bonnets on their heads, 

They taste great on a sandwich, made with pumpernickel breads,

Then with cheese and tartar sauce,

I teach the fish, who's boss,

And that's how I earned, my chef fish preparer creds.

WEIRD SCIENCE TODAY (TIN FOIL HAT LIMERICKS)

I drank contaminated tap water, and got sick as a dog,

Then I turned into a girly frog,

In a pond by some trees,

I laid my babies,

They're camouflaged as pond scum, under a log. 🐸

SKEETERS

I've never seen so many big skeeters,

Some of them are as long as eight meters,

Why they grow so darn big,

No scientist can fig,

We must stop them, for the human race teeters.

THE SCRAPER OF TERROR

I moved into a skyscraper that scraped across the sky,

It swayed, and it was scary, and I started to cry,

Then the lightening gave a peal,

And I thought it a comforting deal,

I went to bed humming Brahms' Lullaby.

COHABITATION? NOT FOR PIGS AND FISH

I decided to raise fish in the ponds on my farm,

I figured it couldn't do anyone any harm,

But a catfish got so big,

He swallowed my prize pig,

That's when raising fish lost its charm.

THE PIG GOT HIS RIGHTS, NOW MY DIGS CRUMBLE DOWN

I decided to fix up my crumbling digs,

By making money raising razor back pigs,

But one pig was no fool,

He sued to attend school,

Now he's a professor, lecturing between cigs.

DON'T FEED THE BEARS, ESPECIALLY YOUR HUMAN PARTS

When you see a bear, I know you'll have to stroke his nose,

But don't be afraid, when it seems his sharp teeth grows,

When you walk away from the bear, do not feel alarm,

Just because you may notice, you are missing half your arm,

Being friendly with a bear, will lead to tears,and woes.

IN THE FOREST OF THE BEARS

I wanted candy cigarettes but could find none, anywheres,

Then I heard tell those cigs were kept by two old woodsy bears,

At their cabin in the deep woods,

I found my candy cigarette goods,

They invited me for dinner and we ate piggies cooked real rares.

THE VAMPIRE WHO WANTED TO BE REGULAR

I once knew a vampire, who mixed his blood with prune juice,

He said that he did it, to keep his bowels loose,

He said in year 607,

He got tossed out of heaven,

And permanently injured his caboose. 

THE COUGAR LIKED HER S'MORES

Katy was a mountain lion, who really loved to eat,

She only snacked on campers, because campers are so sweet,

Katy would eat the campers down to their cores,

For campers taste like stacks of s'mores,

Katy left plenty for her baby lions, so they could get a treat.

THE BACKWOODS BEAR POEM

The bears are hungry and out eating again,

Best be good and not mess with the abominable sin,

Some bears live in cabins, some live in deep throated caves,

But all bears eat the campers and make them scat fill for graves,

Don't think for an hour that you can out clever a bear,

Because he's coming right for ya, when he smells underwear,

Bears always eat people, bears never human detox,

For human flesh is much sweeter, than that of cow or the ox,

So twist and turn and stay awake in your bed,

For if you doze away, a bear will eat you dead,

Now enjoy your camping in our bug infested backwoods,

And hold tight your old precious, when you pass through bear hoods.

THE WEATHER LIMERICK

In the mornings, it's been bone aching cold,

That makes me all grumpy, so I've been told,

But it does always warm,

Before a big lightning storm,

Then under the table, that's where I hold.

A BELLY FULL OF COW, AND STUFF

There was an alligator in my cow pond, and he ate every cow,

He ate my cats and rabbit, and he ate the dog that went "bow wow"

I set a trap,

But it was crap,

The gator ate my kids,and cousin, and my neighbor Rev. Dow.

NO EVIDENCE FOR GUINNESS RECORD BOOGER

Johnny picked a giant booger, and that booger was record big,

It was such a giant booger, Johnny really had to dig,

Johnny felt some awful pains,

The booger had grown into his brains,

When the booger finally popped out, it was ate by two Great Danes. 

NO FOOD FOR MY BELLY, SO I FEED MY BRAIN INSTEAD

I was fishing on the river and snagging all my hooks,

I was always breaking line, and my hooks the river tooks,

I got down on one knee,

And did a prayer for me,

I still lost my hooks, so for supper, I read books.

IGNORE THE CHEESE AND GET THE BIG ONE

When trunk slammers go north,  the locals assume their station,

They always smile and act real nice, or suffer a tip cessation, 

They're always pleasant, till out the door,

When a slammer cuts cheese, they just ignore,

Locals always offer lots of help, for slammers like to tip ration.

PIZZA FACE AND AUNT JEN GETS DEVORCED

Polly was a pizza, and had no time for life,

She had a pretty pizza face, until it touched the knife,

Cut into pie pieces,

Fed to nephews and nieces,

For aunt Jen celebrated divorce, from her cheating wife.

BUG BITE TOURS

I'm a Michigan tourist guide, taking people to find swampy bugs,

It's a fab, fab tour, but you must bring lunch and a couple of jugs,

One jug for bugs; they're dear,

The other for warm beer,

And never wear false hair, for little crits like to dine under rugs.

POSSUMS GET INSIDE

There was a big old opossum, swimming in my bath tub,

His presence didn't bother me, after he gave a back rub,

It was an eye opening find,

Realizing possums were kind,

Then he bit off my ear, because he was hungry for grub.

DUES TO SCREWS

I went to jail and it was full of mean, nasty screws,

They kept writing me up for making toilet bowel booze,

So I could not stay real nice,

I raised the toilet wine price,

To bribe the mean, nasty screws with screw dues.

I HELP PEOPLE BECOME PEOPLES

In order to inflate your hips,

Just eat bacon and potato chips,

A little ham,

Builds your belly, bam!

Then add more pounds with blue cheese dips.

I FOUND CAKE

I went to the barn and found some moist, chocolate cake,

It was laying in hay, still a big piece I did take,

It was a trifle bit runny,

And the cows looked at me funny,

I heard more than one of them say, that I was a flake.

DESPERATE DONNY DIDN'T DATE

Donny would sit in his cell,

He would scream, he would cry, he would yell,

He got stood up on a date,

With a prison block mate,

And ding dong, his mind was a bell.

MY BUCKET LACKS A HOLE

My chives have done poorly, because their bucket has no hole,

They just sit rotting in water, I'm afraid they have lost their soul,

Should've made sure the bucket had a drain,

Would've saved my chives from death and pain,

Now having chives for dinner is an unachievable goal.

A POX ON CRISTMAS IN JULY

I got a toy train for Christmas, but I just got it out of the box,

It's almost the 4th of July, and I'm stuck home with the chicken pox,

My train goes "choo, choo, choo",

With an engine hauling cars #1 and #2,

It's run over two small plastic humans, and almost hit the rubber fox.

BEAR BACKWOODS

Two old Teddy bears lived way out in the backwoods,

They made rainbow candles, sold through shops in the hoods,

Then they diversified,

Making candles, that read "PRIDE",

Now they put "PRIDE" on all candles, as a symbol of their goods.

THE LITTLE TASAR THAT COULD

Frankie was known as a weird little tasar,

Frankie was famous as a tasar trailblazer,

He gave bad guys a scare,

By burning their hair,

Frankie was a Barbour, and didn't use a razor.

THE BEARS CAME OUT FOR THE BOW

Out in the woods lived two bears named Earl and Roy,

They sometimes ate acorns, but fed on mostly soy,

One day, from their cabin they came out,

And gave the world a shout,

For above them was a rainbow, that brought their bear bods joy.