I LIVE IN RURAL AMERICA PART I

The next door neighbors are out scrapping up roadkill  for dinner,

Looks like they got a  possum, and possum meat is a winner,

It seems they will finely dine,

With homemade whiskey and toilet wine,

I won't be invited to partake, because they think I'm a sinner.

LEON DREAMS

Leon was sure he could trampoline all the way to mars,

Leon fell off his trampoline and he visited the stars,

The stars were red, green and blue,

Some squares, and triangles too,

And, everywhere that Leon went, they drove electric cars.

PIE SAFE SAFTY

There was a great river that fell from the sky,

It crashed on my trailer, and I thought I'd die,

My trailer has leaks,

It's full of antiques,

To great grandma's old pie safe, I said "goodbye".

MY BEAUTIFUL.BLUE TEDDY BEAR PART III

My beautiful blue teddy bear was destroyed by my puppy dog,

I told puppy he was very bad, then he dropped a big turd log,

I buried Teddy in the yard,

In the garden, near the Swiss chard,

Then my puppy dug Teddy up, and I'm in mourning on my blog.

I TOOK OUT MY BOAT TO SLAUGHTER FISH

Out upon a bit of sea water,
I took my boat for fish to slaughter,
But, I hit a big wave,
Found a watery grave,
Where I fed a hungry sea otter.

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ON THE COMPANY DIME, MARS WAS A GOOD TIME

I rode a great big spaceship all the way to Mars,

To write an article on their electric cars,

I went to my Martian hotel,

To rest there for a little spell,

Then I went out to the Martian nightclubs and bars.

MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR TWO

My beautiful blue teddy bear sat in a tire swing,

He doesn't really swing, because he cannot do a thing,

I drag his butt out and around,

On his belly I sometimes pound,

I just want to show Teddy that to him I am his king.

RASH AND HASH

Poor, crazy Jimmy spent a ton of cash,

To get rid of a contagious, rare rash,

It started on his toes,

Went up to his nose,

It went to his brain, and turned it to hash.

P.S.

Poor Jimmy

Aliens Strike Again👾

THE THINKER SLEEPS BETWEEN MY EARS

In my head I have a thinker,

Sometimes, he is a stinker,

Like math class,

I will not pass,

I'm tired in class, so I take a winker.

SNAGGING THE PLATYPUS REX

I went fishing for some giggles and thrills,

And maybe a flopping mess of bluegills,

I caught a huge snag,

I don't like to brag,

It was a big platypus with two bills.

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I MET A PHEASANT NEAR THE ANTIQUE STORE

I met a pheasant, and his/her? name is Leslie Beaks,

The pheasant said little bugs, seeds and leaf worms it seeks,

I do not want to seem unpleasant,

But I do not like this pheasant,

The menu sounded nasty, so I'll scurry off to buy antiques.

DISEASED LINKS

I got diseased by hitting links,

Now, my time on the internet really stinks,

I can't download a game,

So, it just isn't the same,

But, with no games I'm getting plenty of winks.

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SQUEAKY SQUIRES THRIFTY STORES 2

My employer, Squeaky Squires, owns a chain of grocery stores,

He sells expired groceries, and unto him the wealth, it pours,

I got titled head cashier,

 I'm the only one that's here,

My shift lasts from the opening, until the lockup of the doors.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squires put a chip in my brain,

So I could cashier at his store up in Maine,

We sell veggies by weights,

Expired goods with old dates,

I'll be your checkout if you use the fast lane.

THE CHIP AND THE DUMPSTER DIVER

The authorities insisted I was insane,

They insisted, and put a chip into my brain,

The chip made me much less smart,

I push a grocery cart,

Collecting my treasure down each road, street and lane.

Cyrus the Psychic 2

Cyrus The Psychic has psychic juices that flow,

Down from his sinus, and out the nose it do go,

His predictions come true,

Thanks to his brainy goo,

Horrible news for some, others love and much doe.

THE PARANOIDAL UNIVERSE

There are two parallel universes; one paranoid, one that's not

I live in the paranoid one, where every action is a plot,

What fortunes I would gladly give,

If In the other I could live,

Maybe I can get over there, if I sneak and lie and scheme a lot.

CYRUS THE PSYCHC

Cyrus The Psychic found a jewel, a rarity,

When he dripped snot on it, Cyrus found psychic clarity,

The drippings from his brain,

Predicted a client's loss or gain,

Cyrus charged a big fee because he was no charity.

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FOR MORE

I will work all day for more pickles,

I buy them with my hard earned nickels,

They are really sour,

They have pucker power,

I fix my mouth by sucking icicles.

FREE PIES FROM STINKY

My neighbor bakes me pies full of beans,

My neighbor's body, he seldom cleans,

I throw the beans far, far away,

Return a clean pan the next day,

I'd remark, but I don't feel the means.

MY HEATER DID NOT SERVE ME WELL

I set my electric heater dial to toasty,

Took a long nap, and I woke up being roasty,

It was not my desire,

My shack catch on fire,

Seems my electric heater has made me a ghosty.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

I fell off the end of the pier,

I wondered where do I go from here?

If I went down,

I would most likely drown,

And, the shoreline is not at all near. 

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THE FOX AND THE DIRTY DEEDS

My four hens were out pecking at sunflower seeds,

Then along came a fox, and he did four dirty deeds,

I had no eggs the next morn,

Just four kernels of stale corn,

I filled up my belly on coffee and weeds.

I DIGS A HOUND HOLE FOR MY FRIEND 3

My hound now rests down deep in his hole,

In the earth with the worm and the mole,

I found a gravestone,

That looks like a bone,

I also left his corn biscuit bowl.

ZOMBIES WON'T KEEP ME FROM WORKING

AI looked outside this morning, and zombies were there,

Tapped on my window, and their bad teeth they did bear,

I tossed them canned peaches,

And my bait bucket of leaches,

That kept them busy whilst I caught a bus, and paid fare.

I DIGS A HOUND HOLE FOR MY FRIEND

I'm afraid feeble has become friend, hound,

All he does is eat weeds and laze around,

He's 16 years old,

That's ancient I'm told,

I guess I should dig him a hole in the ground.

WHAT'S MY SOUL WORTH? APPARENTLY, A HALF A TANK OF GAS

The price of gas is high, to be frank,

I took out a new mortgage to buy just half of one tank,

I don't expect gas to be free,

But, I'm ruined financially,

And, my soul is owned by the bank.

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WHY ARE MY PIGS SO SKINNY LIMERICK

Why are my pigs so skinny and so small?
Everyone else's pigs are so fat and so tall,
My pigs are food spoiled,
With soft eggs all boiled,

No garbage from food courts at a mall.

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POOR LITTLE TENDERFOOT

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some stones,
And, with every single step he took,
He made a dozen moans,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sand,
The sand was really scorching hot,
So, he popped every sweat gland,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking on some sticks,
And, every single step he took,
Felt like stepping on ice picks,

Poor little tenderfoot,
Went walking in outer space,
But, his suit depressurized and he blew up,
Because he didn't tie his shoelace.

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BOB AND THE THREE BEARS

Bob was sleeping all quiet, in his warm bed upstairs,

When he awoke hearing footsteps of three great big bears,

When they entered his bedroom,

Bob wet his bed, fearing doom,

The bears were good neighbors, sharing a basket of pears.

I ATE BARGIN KIPPERS

I found some fresh caught kippers on clearance sale,   

They had not been cleaned, and were in a tin pail,  

They were kinda smelly,

Some were a bit swelly,

I cooked them in sauce, and chased them down with ale.

DORKED AGAIN

My best pieces of ham he forked,

My most expensive wine he uncorked,

He ate the deviled eggs whole,

And, an entire cheese roll,

By my brother I was definitely dorke,

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MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life,

He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife,

It was really sad,

My Teddy did bad,

The neighbor ripped out Teddy's stuffing with a knife.

TOO LATE FOR TEA WITH TUT, OH MY

I had a little time-ship, but the door got stuck tight shut,

I could not get outside to meet the king we know as Tut,

I used my brand new space crowbar,

But when I got the door ajar,

King Tut had been all mummified, along with his dog, Mutt.  

KAZOO ON A G STRING

I turned on my tunes, but my tunes were not there,

A check went to subscriptions but, my check account was bare,

So quiet was my place,

I stuck a kazoo in my face,
I learned to play Strauss waltzes and Bach's G String, blowing air.

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THE FUNNEL CLOUD DISASTER POEM

Nature was roaring big and loud,

Then I spied the funnel cloud,

It swept away the stadium crowd

With human persons, it was well endowed,

I turned and ran; I was not proud.

I SOLD GRANDMA'S SILVER TO WATCH SOME SOX

I found grandma's silver dimes, that I had hid in an old shoe box,

She asked me to take them, so she'd have no means to wreck detox,

Grandma got off the malt beer,

Now in jail, my grandma, dear,

I think I will sell the dimes, to pay to stream my team, Red Sox.

I'M AN UNHAPPY PANSY MAN

I caught a rabbit in my trap,

He started to cry, and I'm a sap,

I let him go,

That so and so,

He ate my pansies, now I'm unhap

LAKE SHARKS

There are sharks in all Michigan lakes,

They attack tourists on vacation breaks,

A shark took off my leg,

So, I carves me a peg,

Now, I hunt them to.get me some steaks.

THE JANUARY WOLF MOON

When the Wolf Moon rises,

There be terror surprises,

The hooting owl,

The wolf howl,

Most dangerous, friendly disguises.

MUDDY BLOOD, BUT PROBLEM SOLVED

I went broke buying online subscriptions, and had to sell blood,

My blood was rejected, because it looked too much like mud,

I sold the kidney on my right,

Had to do it, money was tight,

Now, I've inherited a fortune from my Great Grand Uncle Bud.

MY PET DINOSAUR PART6 (TONES, SCONES AND BONES)

I had a big pet dinosaur, and he loved my homemade scones,

He would eat them by the thousands, and made loud lip smacking tones,

One day when he went outside to play,

I burned the scones, and threw them away,

My unhappy, hungry dino, then chewed on the neighbor's bones.

THE PRETTY LILAC SMELL

All the pretty lilacs bloomed a nice smell,

They prettied up my small garden, as well,

Cooked them into perfume,

To spray in my bathroom,

I had backed-up plumbing, now you can't tell.

I ITCHED WHERE THEY STICHED

I went to.the doctor's office to have them take out stiches,

It cost me every coin I got, I cleaned out my britches,

They covered my wound with a patch,

Said it was infected, don't scratch,

I said I had to scratch and scratch, because the dang thing itches.

MIRANDA AND HER SISTER SUE LIMIERICKS

Miranda stole Susan’s dime,
Miranda didn’t think that it was a crime,
But Susan got steamed,
Miranda got beamed,
Miranda healed up over time.

Miranda and her sister Sue,
Fought over a guy nicknamed Heavy Hue,
Now Miranda couldn’t cook,
That made Heavy Hue book,
Because Sue made great dumplings and stew.

Miranda always picked on her little sister Sue,
Miranda was so jealous that her face turned dark blue,
But, Sue was a good girl,
With a great smile and a hair curl,
Miranda smiled but her real personality shown through.

MARK THE BEAVER LIMERICK

There was a big beaver named Mark,
He built damns from morning til dark,
Some days he would wish,
He was just a fish,
Then, he’d just play and swim in the park.

PORK PIE, NO FINS

Because Bobby only ate food that came in tins,

Bobby was deficient in many vitamins,

He had hunger for pork pie,

He never knew exactly why,

He wouldn't eat any food from creatures that had fins.

THE CHEESE PUFFS AND THE MERMAID

Because I ordered them through the mail,

My cheese puffs arrived late and were stale,

I used them for fish bait,

And, caught me a soul mate,

A mermaid with a big fishy tail.

MR. TWO FISH TALKS LOSING WEIGHT

The three perch I caught would have made a real nice meal,

But the one good sized perch I caught, my cat did steal,

I gave my cupboard a good search,

Found no food to go with my perch,

Guess I'll lose some weight, now that dieting is my deal.

A SHILLELAGH PARTY FOR THE LIONS

Three little green leprechauns, stood outside my front door,

They each had a shillelagh, and were prepared for war,

I asked them in for tea,

We then watched the tv,

We all cheered as the Detroit Lions ran up the score.

BLOOD BITES

The rats they sleep all day, and prowl around all night,

Looking for a spot of food, or an open toe to bite,

Their teeth pierce the fleshy toe,

For them a meal, for you a woe,

Then they disappear again; blood stains mark their flight.

BYE, BYE BIRDIE, TIGER GO DOWN

A tiger was climbing way, way up high in a tall tree,

He was after a sparrow, but that bird flew off to sea,

When the giant tiger found,

He was too high off the ground,

He jumped from the high branches, hurt his right paw, but was free.

THE BALLAD OF SEDENTARY DAVE

Dave exercises just nine seconds each day,

Yet, his poundage is an expanding display,

Dave eats only wheat bread,

With much butter, he said,

On Tic Tok Dave works for his pay.

,

A LAMENT FOR MY ROOSTER

I thought my pet rooster ran away,

I looked for him the entire day,

Yet all the while,

My old hound had a smile,

Next to his coop a pile of chicken feathers, lay.

010223
 

I INVESTED IN REAL ESTATE

I invested in real estate, stocks and, bonds,
While the wizards on Wall Street waved their wands,
I fell for their pitch,
They got really rich,
With Wall Street you're either poor or you're cons.

060622

BAD NOSE NEWS

It was so cold that Davey got sick,

Then he got sicker, awfully quick,

So he took a snooze,

Awoke to bad news,

His nose was plugged, and he had to pick.

BROTHER BOB ON TURKEY DAY

Bobby used his right index finger to clean between his toes,

Then when he was done, he'd polish the nostrils of his nose,

Bobby did this when we ate,

Of course, Bobby never brought a date,

He did save some memories, by wiping his finger on his clothes.

THE ICE SKATES OF DEATH

I got some new ice skates, and went out on the ice to skate,

I went out fifty feet, and fell through the ice on the lake,

Beneath the ice I couldn't swim,

Soon the lights were growing dim,

Then my clock alarm rang, and I was safe in bed, awake.

THE SHARK, THE REEF, THE MUMMY AND ME

A shark circled me, while watched by his mummy,

I thought the shark was another reef bummy,

He got right up in my face,

So I sprayed him with shark mace, 

I ended up in his mummy's  big, tummy..

NOON WOLF MOON, BUT THE STARS COME SOON

Getting closer to the big Wolf Moon,

It arrives during the hour of noon,

The moon's picture is dear,

With the stars in the rear,

All humming that Beethoven moon tune.