HUMANS NEED THEIR HEAD REDESIGNED

The human face and head are shaped, so weird,😶

They're ugly, in the open, they get jeered,👎

An alien face,👍

One born in outer space,🌟

Is a lot prettier, so I have heared.👽

CARTER THE ROCKETEER, SWEET DREAMS OLD CHAP

Carter got a degree in rockets, so he could sail them into the sky,

Carter used only dynamite for fuel, and it propelled the pieces, high,

Carter dreamed his pieces would reach Mars,

Then maybe pass by some distant stars,

When dear Carter's fuel blew him away, the coroner wondered, how and why?

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T EAT IT

My little brother is psychotic, bad,

He picked his nose at the store, nasty lad,

Brother wiped boogs from his nose, 

Across his newly, cleaned clothes,

That embarrassed to tears, both mom and dad.

TRINA AND THE WHOPPER WOOLY

Trina got some brand new, pink shoes that fit her tiny, little feet,

Mom packed Trina a sack lunch, so she could stuff her small face and eat,

Trina had a bully,

Her name, Whopper Wooly,

Trina gave Wooly her lunch each day,  to avoid a whopper, beat.

TRINA AND THE FIZZY DRINK

My big sister, Trina, wanted me to get her a fizzy drink,

I just scooped up some soapy water, from the bottom of the sink,

She sipped some fizzy, and well,

The sink bottom, I now dwell,

The worst thing is the garbage disposal,  it makes a big, loud clink.

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I'M THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, FISHES

Tammy let everyone know that she was a G.O.A.T

The greatest of all time, at sailing a sailing boat,

Her jealous brother, Doug,

Pulled her big, sailboat plug,

Tammy sank down to Poseidon, and that's all she wrote.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR THE BEDBUGS WILL GET YOU!

Sammy had little, baby bedbugs maturing in his nose,

All the neighbors would get bedbugs, upon a Sammy expose,

Sammy spread bedbugs near and far,

He drove them around, in his car,

When Sammy died from bedbug bites, they spread through Sammy's used clothes.

I ENTERTAIN WITH MY LIPS

I was up on the main stage, showing off my whistling ways,

I whistle real good, and at major concert venues, it pays,

I whistled, "Sweet Mary From Pike",

That's a tune, they usually like,

This audience was grumpy, because of technical delays.

WORT PICKERS SUBJECT TO FINES AND JAIL

Jimmy picked at his oozing, purple, hairy wart,

That got him arrested, and a day in night court,

Jimmy flubbed his  case,

His defense, no base,

Jimmy went to jail, under a police escort.

CLAY CROCKING THE STEW

I read one cooking book every day,

Mostly, on cooking in pots made of clay,

When I crock cook my stew,

I will share some with you,

The best meat for the crock stew, is blue jay.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance she did rule.

RAT DANCE, I TRIED

I watched a rat dance; figured it was too much for me,

There was too much fast movement, and sort of silly,

I gave it a real try,

Broke my hip, bruised my thigh,

I had a big rat crash, and it was a dilly.

MY SHOE GARDEN

I had a cabbage, growing in my tennis shoe,

That a cabbage could grow there, I just never knew,

It started crowding my toes,

I picked it, and had it froze,

In the deep freezer, I'll save the cabbage for stew.

BLOODSHOT: A VAMPIRE LIMERICK

Late at night, something scratched at my window, while I laid in bed,

I ignored it for a while, then it was scratching on my head,

It was a vampire rousing my veins,

He drank the blood headed into my brains,

Everyone at work next day, said my eyes were bloodshot red.

IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND WEEVIL

The weevil in my veggie garden, is eating off the leaves,

He eats the fleshy greens, and across the many plants, he weaves,

He's fast at work,

That little jerk,

He thinks he is really smart, because he knows it's me, he peeves.

THE BIG RACCOON ATE SUPPER

The raccoon and I knew that the near future would reveal,

Which one of us would become the other's evening meal,

I through hard fists in the fight,

The raccoon did scratch and bite,

After supper, the racoon said I was tender, like veal.

LOSING IT AT THE GYM

My buddy ate two pounds of tasty, dried plum,

I told my buddy, he should only eat some,

It was at the local town gym,

My bud lost all foods, within him,

Buddy got banned for spreading poop like a bum.

PETER POTATO ROTS

There is this big bad potato, his real name is Pete,

He stinks so darn bad, he's never been chosen to eat,

He is out of the potato bin,

Potato stink, is a tater sin,

Someone gave Pete the heave-ho, now he rots near the street.

MY WORLD OF WORMS

I have worms growing in my old, mushy brains,

I have worms growing in my clogged-up  heart veins,

Some tape worms from the deli,

Made a home in my belly,

I do not worry about any weight gains.

MY PARTNER AND I CONQUERED SPACE, AND RAISED MOO

We once built a space rocket, it was shaped like a shoe,

Didn't look aerodynamic, but it fly, flown and flew,

We burned it straight to Mars,

Sold electronic cars,

Then we bought us a ranch, and raised those cows that go moo.  

THE WE WALLOP WINKY

I would very often get a wallop, alongside my head,

It's the Winky family language, no words are ever said,

All is quiet as a cold, dead mouse,

In my Grandma Winky's little house,

It is where we're born, and we live, and wallop, until we're dead.

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THE BRAIN WORM TWIST

There's a big, juicy brain worm, twisting around in my head,

The kids saw it in my ear, that is when the kids all fled,

I have an anti-brain worm power,

I just have to suck on something sour,

I'll eat a dill pickle, and the worm will twist until dead.

FILLED MY SOUFFLE WITH CHERRIES, ONE SUNNY DAY

I walked down to the berry store, on one sunny day,

I needed fresh cranberries to spruce up my souffle,

They were out of cranberries,

I bought some pit filled cherries,

Once my cherries got pitted, I walked home, straight away.

TRINA AND THE POPSICLE LADY

Trina went outside, and stood in the sub-zero snowstorm,

Trina wouldn't stay inside, because she said it was too warm,

Trina forgot she was old,

Didn't know the hot from the cold,

Trina froze like a popsicle, a mid-winter storm norm.

THE UGLY, ALPHA RODENT

There is a big ugly, alpha mouse,

He's the biggest mouse inside my house,

He consumed my dried berries,

Sucked the pits from my cherries,

Lately, he has been dating my spouse.

THE CLERK WENT BOBBER FISHING

There is no stuff on the shelves at the store where I work,

Which has made very unemployed, this hourly clerk,

It's a cross-border fling,

Some tariff bling thing,

I'm going bass fishing, maybe my bobber will jerk.

THE UP 25% LIMERICK

What is this with costs going up 25%?

That is what the landlord said, he's jacking up my rent,

I can't afford the grocery store,

My kids lick their dinners off the floor,

They lick, and lick, and lick, with their tiny tongues all bent.

NEW HEAD CHIP AND A NEW NAME

When they found me, my eyes were soulless, and I was pronounced dead.

They screwed a silicon, wafer chip, deep into my brain-head,

Before I died, I was named Ernie,

But now that I'm back from my journey,

I forgot the before, I entered deaths door, now I'm called Zed.

THE OLD BAG AND THE PIPES

There once was an old piper who lived down the street,

He'd play old Scottish songs for some mead and some meat,

The piper played loud,

And old grandma Dowd,

Took out her hammer, and gave his pipe bag a beat.

SHE SLAUGHTERED HER MAN, AND DIED IN THE CAN

I once new this person, her name was Kittles Wainwright,

She worked doing trapeze flights, at the circus all night,

She fell from the sky,

Killed the ringleader guy,

She died in a prison from an infected bug bite.

I HAD TO EAT CROW, EGG

I went down to the meat market, and what was missing there?

There was a shortage of eggs to feed to my Teddy Bear,

When I got back to the house,

My Teddy Bear, my sweet spouse,

Had raided a crows nest, and served the eggs runny and rare.

GROUNDHOGS, AIN'T JUST FOR WEATHER PREDICTING

I parboil ground hog,  to make them nice and tender,

I eat too much ground hog, that is why I ain't too slender,

I deliver the ground hog meals,

To old people, from my own wheels,

For those who can't chew, I grind ground hog in a blender.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.

REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

FROM STRING CHEESE TO TREE BARK: MY FINANCIAL DECLINE

I went to buy some brand new string cheese,

The high price dropped me down on my knees,

Prices got high in the store,

I am now inflation poor,

I'll try eating some bark off the trees.

MY KID THE CHEF, NOT

I thought I was eating some really fine, stringy noodles,

Turns out, I was slurping the hairs of my little poodles,

I didn't have a hunch,

My kid made my lunch,

I should have opted for two blueberry, toaster strudels.

FROSTBITE, SCENT AND ROSES

Everyone in my town, has had severe frostbite of the nose,

They all had their snoggers cut off, before their high school picture pose,

Town folk aren't very nosey,

But, we still sniff the rosey,

We also, have problems standing, because the-cold bite takes our toes.

MY TREAT: THE BADGER DROPPED HIS MEAT

I found a small sliver of meat, when I went out my back porch door,

That badger must or left it, when he murdered that squirrel, at four,

It was a special treat,

I had something to eat,

But the only flavoring I had, was a bitter apple core.

THE TERMINATOR AI, MADE ALL MY KIDS CRY

I received an email today, and it bid me goodbye,

It said that I got termed by the corporations AI,

I called a family meeting,

Made sure all were firmly seating,

I announced the bad news, which made everyone, eye cry.

GOODBYE TO PORCH PIRATES; I GOT MINE

I went to the pirate's perch to see if I could get back my stuff,

It's an apartment over a bar, where porch pirates drink and puff,

Many lads were there,

But I did not care,

I took my goods while all stepped aside;  I work out and I am buff.

RANDY RED NECK AND THE PIRATE'S PERCH

Onto my left breast, I pinned a shiny tin star,

I'm tracking porch pirates, down the street with my car,

Many sidewalks, far away,

I found where pirates, do stay,

An apartment, above Randy Red Neck's Grill-Bar

GARGOYLE GONE

My gargoyle went out on the big lake,

My very best, darn row boat, he did take,

I called him, " come back home",

He was headed towards Rome,

Maybe, a few hundred years, he will take.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Panicked, I quickly called my scam, stockbroker on the phone,

I was mad, so confused, and felt entirely alone,

My tech investments were lost,

My life's labors, the cost,

All I got was the sound of silence, then a dial tone.

I'M CSP: COLD, SICK AND POOR

My stock portfolio, it went away,

My old polio, got much worse today,

I'm so cold and defeated,

Can't afford to get heated,

More cruel times will follow, until May.

I GIVE SNOWMEN THE BOOT SALUTE

When winter snows start their blowing,

My bad attitude starts showing,

I hate snowmen,

I kick them in,

Spring grass, I'd rather be mowing.

EGGS: BEAKS, LEGS AND EYES

I always drive over to Canada, to buy the best breakfast eggs,

Their nice, big eggs don't have little chickens inside, with beaks, eyes and legs,

While eating tater chips with ridges,

I must drive over two long bridges,

Of course, when I come back from Canada, I'll smuggle in a few beer kegs.

UP THE RIVER SMORES .

I canoed up the river, and I got very tired and soar, 

I did not make it to town, so I took a camp upon the shore,

Found an old, torn, rubber tire,

Toasted marshmallows over fire,

Along came a big bear, and he toasted and ate me like a smore.

MAMA SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS...

Benny had a chocolate bar, in the back pocket of his white pants,

Benny wanted to go birthday party, with mama, cousins, and aunts,

But the dark bar melted in the back,

Looked like a diarrhea attack,

Benny still wants to birthday party, but his mama says, he can'ts.

THE WINTER OF OUR REAL HIGH RENT

Our search for employment, did not go well,

We've run out of blood, and assets to sell,

Our landlord was unkind,

Said the rent we must find,

By the 1st stroke of the Sunday church bell.

BIRTH OF AI SALESMAN

I got a knock on my front door, and it was a pushy, AI,

It was selling life insurance, and said it was my time to buy,

It said AI knows all,

I had better not stall,

It was bad news, which upset my nana, and she started to cry.

MY PET GROUNDHOG

My pet ground hog does not feel well,

He slipped on the ice and down he fell,

So, I put him to bed,

After being well fed,

Then he had bad dreams and awoke with a yell.

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THE BAD SAUCE TOSS AND AFTERMATH.

I had some greasy fried chicken delivered to my door,

It was good, so I ordered greasy fried chicken, once more,

Raunchy, spoiled was that chicken sauce,

I gave the chicken the toilet toss,

Since then I have been hungry, but my puking guts are soar.

I WENT TO WORK AFTER MY DINNER GUESTS WERE GONE

There were 35 dead flies on my sesame seed bun,

I know, because I counted every wire-winged one,

The many flies and stale bun had to go,

They went into the compactor of woe,

I went driving into work, under a rising, red sun.

TOMMY, MOMMY, ORIGAMI

When starting out and leaving home, whether you're a Tina or a Tommy,

You must begin looking for a rich, sugar daddy or sugar mommy,

Then ask them for a nice sports car,

An apartment, close by, not far,

Then make them cheap gifts, showing them you care, like clay pots or origami. 

COFFEE PRICES ARE ROCKETING TO MARS🚀

I went to the grocery store to buy coffee to drink,

When I saw the new coffee pricing, my heart did a sink,

I sold my plasma and blood,

To afford my coffee, mud,

Before my next buy, I'll be selling my plumbing and sink.

THE COW THAT BITES FOR RIGHTS

Karen the mad cow, she always bites,

Anyone she observes wearing tights,

It's offensive to her,

If you are not wearing fur,

It's like trampling on her bovine rights.

95 URINALS AND A STREAM BY THE CAR

There were 95 urinals, all in a neat row,

But there were no toilet bowels, for the sitters to go,

But not very darn far,

Was a stream by my car,

Of course, could one make it that far, one just doesn't know.

PORCH PIRATES ALWAYS WIN

Porch pirates were active during the night,

I now have no morning breakfast to bite,

I am one hungry dude,

They stole all of my food,

Alas, there's too many of them to fight.

MACARONI TONY AND THE WISHBONE

Hi everyone, most people know me to be Tony,

On every Saturday, I make much macaroni,

It is a delicious dish,

I share with my girl,Trish,

On Sunday, we have turkey, then we split the wish-boney.

ART, I'M NOT LOCKED IN

I took some local art classes, and what did I find?

The other students were critics, and they were unkind,

I complained to the teacher,

She was a mean creature,

She said that my artwork, smelled like her dead cows behind.