SALT AND CHEESE CRACKER

I love saltine crackers, because they taste good,

Everybody eats them, in my neighborhood,

I eat them with salt and cheese,

Peppered crackers make me sneeze,

Eating stale crackers is wrong, it's understood.

MY ELECTION SURPRISE

I am losing my election, and I'm guessing I must cheat,

Nobody likes me, after I gave out some free, pickled meat,

My manager, Little Tony,

Handed out hunks of bologna,

The bologna was spoiled; people puked; now I smell defeat.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

JIMMY AND HIS BETTER ANGLES

Jimmy picked up many earthworms and put them in glass jars,

He took out the dead ones, and fed them to his kitty, Lars,

He saved his better angles,

For trophy fish entangles,

Sometimes Jimmy caught northern pike, but often he caught gars.

RED NECK LAWN ORNAMENT

Fast forward my little truck, will never, ever go,

The engine won't turnover, and that's pretty, darn slow,

I took it to repair,

That ended in despair,

The car's rusting in my yard, and around it I Mow.

DONNY BED ROTTER

Big, bad Donny was bed rotting for days and days,

He only left bed to do potty or to graze,

Donny drank soda sip, sip, sip,

Then on the potty, he would rip,

Donny sucked down tater chips; one of his strange ways.

SOMEONE GOT IN A SCRAPE AT THE BAR

I went to the to The Two Bird Bar,

Somebody keyed my new sporty car,

When I came outside,

I cried and I cried,

The mean patrons went hardy, har, har.

A MEANINGLESS, WHIMSICAL PHILOSOPHY

The universe appears eternal, from dawn, to dawn, to dawn, to dawn,

But, when the universe disappears, its life will be a tiny yawn,

So head to mars,

Maybe, the stars,

Eat expensive seafood, like lobster, oysters, crabs, octopus and prawn. 

MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,

Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,

At the kitty store,

I bought my cat, Thor,

Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.

MAKING STEW ON A BUDGET

I just got home, and I put on water for stew,

I put on some coffee, and I'm making that new,

I do not have any meat,

Or vegetables to eat,

My stew will have road salt, and some black pepper too

.

UPPER BUNK, LOWER BUNK: A SUMMER CAMP STORY

At summer camp, little Timmy, completely wet his bed,

Urine dripped down upon his lower bunk mate, big bad Ned,

Ned got an unwanted surprise,

As pee drained into his shut eyes,

Embarrassed Timmy called his mom, then homeward he did head.

AS THE CARS GO BY

I got peppered sprayed, directly in my pretty eye,

I was taken to the jail, and no one told me why,

Not so much to eat,

Mouse turds are a treat,

By day I clear brush near highways, as the cars go by.

HUMAN BEANS

They said I should act more like a human bean,

I thought that comment was very crass and mean,

At any party,

Beans make one farty,

Then future party invites, are never seen.

MOSQUITOS BE WARNED

Because my house had loads of mice and rats,

I decided to get myself some cats,

They ate the mice today,

Frightened the rats away,

To deal with mosquitos, I'm getting bats.

A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING

Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,

It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,

Donny didn't get bites that day,

He paddled down to the bay,

He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.

THE NO HOME CODE

As I turned my old pickup down my home-sweet-home road,

Noticed a contractor was tearing down my abode,

I phone called a cop,

Said please make them stop,

He said no, because I violated building code.

FISH, SPLAT AND STICHES

There was a small, skinny carp that lived in my front yard ditch,

He swam around in the muck all day, and I named him Mitch,

I saw kids with a ball bat,

They pitched poor Mitch, Mitch went splat,

I tried to revive my Mitch, but he never gave one twitch.  

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute goldfishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your rootbeer chug-a-lugs. 

THE SKINLESS IMPORTER OF TIN

I think my million dollar ship has come in,

It is full of foreign, imported, sheet tin,

I use to import lab mice,

But they gave me bad lice,

I itched so bad, soon I scratched off all my skin.

HEATWAVE CATASTROPHE

During summer heat, my air conditioner died,

It ran so very long, it caught fire and fried,

I thought it would be nice,

If I made frozen ice,

Then my freezer broke right down, and I cried and cried.

WHY I HIT MYSELF SO HARD, MY BRAIN AIN'T RIGHT.

In the latest, late of dark night,

From an earwig, I got a bite,

The evil dear,

Was in my ear,

I slapped my ear, with all my might.

ATTACK OF THE GARDEN PESTS

My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs,

My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs, 

My pickles in the weeds,

The birds picked clean of seeds,

And the mice that nibbled my string beans, are common thugs.

THE MAGIC SUPRISE RAT

Today, I had been feeling sort of low,

So I went to a downtown, magic show,

Out of a top hat,

Was pulled a big rat,

The rat shouted out that his name was Moe.

I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE

I hit a baseball with a ball bat,

The ball flew into space like a sat,

For a minute that night,

I watched my satellite,

It burned up in the sky, that was that.

SQUIRREL FOOD

I shot a squirrel that was up in a tree,

I will eat squirrel meat, when I have my tea,

You know what's what's,

I found his nuts,

I will chew on his nuts, when I watch tv. 

MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK

I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping, 

Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,

In the dark tent, my body, I lay,

Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,

Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.

3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION

Jim wished that he could consume some beef

Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,

Holy Mola, 

Beef and cola,

And constipation pills for relief.

BETTER TO HAVE BUG TURDS THAN SLIME

I found a grotesque, giant, slimy slug,

Crawling across my nice clean, new, white rug,

I think it a bad crime,

For a slug to spread slime,

Far nastier than a turd spreading bug.

THE HOT TUB CLUB

I like going to the health club; the hot tub is for me,

I have often wondered, if in the hot tub people pee,

I asked my friend, the chemistry teach,

She said no problems, the club adds bleach,

And the water is changed when the water looks like tea.

THE SURVIVOR

I am a sea captain, and I sailed on the sea,

My darn ship hit a rock, and sank down, beneath me,

That left me in the water,

I swam like a sea otter,

All passengers and crew drowned, I survived, lucky.

I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,

I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.

I know my blogs might give readers scares,

I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,

I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.

WHAT I DID WITHOUT GRANNY

I danced through a canyon, toward a little city,

That is where I stopped, where I decided to be,

I had a cafe made lunch,

Two fruit biscuits and a punch,

I then hurried on home, to get granny her tea.

THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS

I cannot sing one single, real high note,

That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,

My voice is just too horse,

High notes hurt, of course,

So, I play cello, on those notes I float.

HOWLING, NO GOODS

I made paths through an acre of woods,

So I could stroll with friends from my hoods,

But, no one came near,

Because they said they could hear,

A howling, and that was not goods.

LEGS: ACCIDENT OR CRIME

This morning for breakfast, I was served toast, bacon and eggs,

I noticed in my eggs two sets of tiny chicken legs,

The sight made me so very ill,

I had to take a heartburn pill,

Was this leg scandal purposeful, is what the question begs?

JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES IS A FAMILY MAN

The famous Jimmy Thirty-five Toes, had a baby girl,

The kid had thirty seven toes, and her hair was all curl,

She had a mom with three legs,

A little brother that laid eggs,

She had such nice bright and shinny teeth, momma named her Pearl.

MY SAVIOR IN A BOTTLE

My little airplane took a nosedive,

I thought soon, I would not be alive,

Then right below me, did appear,

A truck full of new, bottled beer,

The splashing beer gave me a revive.

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MY BEES FREEZE LIMERICK

I had some cute, pet honey bees,

They lived up in my apple trees,

No one really knows,

How my bees got froze,

They were found kneeling on their knees.

I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,

The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,

In town, my face gets a quick wipe,

I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,

I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.

ACCIDENTAL FOOD SUPPLY

Jimmy fell off the roof and broke all of his nice toes,

Jimmy cut each one of them off, now new ones he grows,

It is especially neat,

He grows new toes on his feet,

Jim now has winter meat, because the old toes he froze.

MY DOCTOR WHO SCREWDRIVER

On Doctor Who, it was very iconic,

So I bought a screwdriver that was sonic,

I broke it early today,

Making a pot from some clay,

Now I feel that I am somewhat moronic.

I CHOOSE THE STINKY VERSE

I live in a universe that has a verse that's parallel,

In one verse my clothes smell clean, in another they stinky smell,

My clothes in one verse, I wash and dry,

In the other, on the floor they lie,

I like best the stinky verse, so that is mostly where I dwell.

PET REINCARNATION: A BEAUTIFUL THING

My poor little pet mosquito, named Ron,

He got squished flat, and became living, non,

His new mosquito ghost,

Found another live host,

In the body of a cockroach, named Don. 

HERBIE DERBY DO.

Cute little lad, Herbie,

Wore a big derby,

Hung his stylish hat,

On his baseball bat,

When he was spooning with Mrs. Zerbie.

SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

DONNY IS A MUMMY

Donny was brain dead so long that his brain had putrefied,

No one dared to tell Donny, that his mind had up and died,

Donny went on year after year,

Staring at sunshine, dear, oh dear,

The sun has now dried out his skin, and now he's mummified.

THEY USED THEIR TONGUE TO LICK MY CHERRIES

On this very nice day, I went out cherry picking,

I found all the cherries, bugs were buggy tongue licking,

That made me feel sick,

I went home really quick,

The image of bugs licking the fruit, is still sticking.

BILLY SLAMS AND JIMMY SPILLS

Jimmy let out a snore,

Billy slammed the backdoor,

Jimmy jumped up,

Spilled his big cup,

Leaving coffee all over the floor.

JAILED OVER NUGGETS

Beautiful Barry had a nice little scam,

When Barry cheated someone, he'd yell "Bam, Bam!"

Big fake nuggets of gold,

Was the scam stuff he sold,

Poor Barry got caught by a cop's body cam.  

MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒

To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖

I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢

But I'll still toast it with passion,😍

I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁

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I LOST MY DEAD TODAY

My bird feeder went away,

When the tornado came today

Away went my little shack,

And my LPs, the whole stack,

No more can I rest my head,

While I listen to The Grateful Dead

A SPARKLER RUINED MY 4TH

A sparkler got caught in my hair,

It burned until my head was all bare,

I went home, ate some soup,

Then sat out on my stoop,

I was upset, and I needed some air.

KITTY GOT A SCARE FROM THE ROCKETS RED GLARE

The rockets were red glaring,

And my kitty got a scarring,

The booms shook my shack,

It collapsed, I want it back,

I'd have to say the fireworks, were a little overbearing.

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I LOST MY TWEETY, BUT SAVED HIS BELL

Someone launched some flying, rocket fireworks, and holy...well,

They flew threw my open window, and made a real nasty smell,

Then came a fast, roaring fire,

The damage was vast, entire,

The only thing I saved, was my pet parakeets birdseed bell.

WHAT MY POT NEEDS

I can't go to the store, oh squat!

I need a pork roast for my pot,

Plague laws keep me here,

Where fresh meat is become dear,

And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!

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I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

VERBAL ABUSE AND I LEAVE

My boots are all covered with wet mud,

Walked into the house; got called a crud,

I have no real common sense,

But I took a big offence,

I left for the beer bar for some sud.

THE ALIEN WORM BRAIN INVADERS LIMERICK

Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain,
They control him with both pleasure and pain,
And, sometimes out of Jim's snout,
Some worms will pop out,
To scout for a new mind to train.

ZODIE THE VENGEFUL

Zodie had a temper, she'd get mad and start crushing bugs,

Sister Cindy was so nice, she spent all day giving puppies hugs,

Sister Zodie shoved Cindy down,

Sister Cindy made smile, no frown,

Sister Zodie sought revenge, filling Vinegar in Cindy's water jugs.

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4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July can't be beat.

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